Well, here is something I am working on. It has the working title of Avel Ruins Any help that anyone give will be apreceated and if anyone wants to see more please tell me.
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Endell Carew did not like airships. He hated knowing that he was suspended several thousand feet in the air by a bag of gas and wires. If anything were to happen, then there would be nothing he could do. In fact, due to the interactions between Chi and Aetheric Vibrations, his presence would just cause more problems. Unfortunately as an officer of the Council of International Investigations, he had to be able to get to places quickly; Airships were the best way to do that. At least this particular airship, The South Star if Endell remembered correctly, was a well maintained and hearty ship. It cut though the air with a grace that rivaled that of a dragon. It's Captain, a man by the name of Kesior Carlson, was both experienced and even tempered. However, this ship would not
[ June 09, 2017, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
An individual reflects -- meditates on a dislike for lighter-than-air vessel travel.
Not much to speak of in dramatic movement terms. Reflections, meditations, etc., are always internal discourse. Internal discourse reflections that lack prior substantive external or internal motivational forces are prone to stuck-in-a-bathtub navel contemplations. This start is that type. Concise and profoundly dramatic sensory descriptions defuse empty reflections, especially from external sources. No description given of the airship here, for example, nor the aerodrome and its busybody personnel.
Clear and strong and immediate now motivations, too, and stakes as well, further defuse such reflective navel meditations. The meditations themselves are best practice responsive to and effects of experienced, causal sensory details. Why, for example, does Carew have to travel, particularly aboard an airship, this time? Because . . .
Plus, perhaps the setup of his assignment comes first, that of a directive from a superior perhaps? Or who? Who, when, where; what, why, and how? Respectively, context and texture. These questions' answers are a basis for setup preparation. Setup itself is the buildup basis for dramatic movement. Motivation is the core component thereof and what readers will engage through. Motivation, also complication, also want-problem, these congruent labels are the bases for dramatic movement start. This fragment is a slow start due to vagueness of motivation details, plus, vagueness of causal sensory details.
A strength of the fragment is Carew's distaste for airship travel, though vaguely presented, without a detailed root cause. Perfectly reasonable to fear flight, though a milieu where airship travel is taken as routine asks for a specific reason -- cause -- is asked for so that readers feel the fear through it. Like perhaps news coverage Carew knows about of a zeppelin disaster or such.
The airship travel itself is a strength if more sensorily depicted, visuals at least, plus a touch (sic) of another concrete sense, and, of course, the sixth sense of emotional feeling. Plus salient details about the aerodrome setting. Many much content in any case for thirteen lines that that word count cannot contain.
Instead, a focal sensory depiction with a few "telling details," concrete details with abstract subtext meaning, engage readers more so. What? How? In this case, whatever assignment Carew is on is the start detail which holds most potential. Like is the airship a Trojan horse to be looked into the mouth of? Always look Greek gift horses in the mouth!? Does Carew go wherever to investigate some crime, military failure, catastrophe. What? Whatever it is is the key to the start, obviously a puzzle to be solved.
Meantime, the action transforms Carew's state of moral maturity such that he's lost some innocence, gained some wisdom, and at a personal cost that affects the public of the milieu and readers too.
Some grammar issues, punctuation and capital case mostly.
"Endell Carew did not like airships. He hated knowing that he was suspended several thousand feet in the air by a bag of gas and wires. If anything were to happen, then there would be nothing he could do. In fact, due to the interactions between [ch'i] and [aetheric] [vibrations], his presence would [just (omit empty intensifier)] cause more problems. Unfortunately[,] as an officer of the Council of International Investigations, he had to be able to get to places quickly[:] Airships were the best way to do that.
"At least this particular airship, [the] South Star[,] if Endell remembered correctly, was a well maintained and hearty ship. It cut though the air with a grace that rivaled that of a dragon. It's [captain], [a man by the name of (wordy, omit)] Kesior Carlson, was both experienced and [even-tempered]. However, this ship would not"
Online style paragraph break warranted. Empty lines do not count for thirteen lines' amount.
The title suggests a place, a ruins, though as well implies a person and perhaps an event. "Avel" is a Russian alternative name for Able, as in biblical Cain slew Able. If so, that's event, setting's place and situation, and character, the three prose existents, plus possible thematic substance. Though "Avel" is obscure for general Western readers, that title holds much promise of dramatic movement potential. Does almost all a title needs to do.
I would not read on at this time as an engaged reader -- nothing to hold onto with expectations of dramatic movement, due to motivation shortfalls.