Contemporary Fiction, Y/A, Coming of Age, etc. I posted a very rough opening around a year ago and have since updated it. I'd appreciate any feedback you all can give.
Mom reached into the console for another fistful of Chips Ahoy before continuing the weekly lecture on spiritual and sexual purity. Dad’s beaten-up, ‘94 Dodge caravan perpetually smelled of her crumbs and my and my sister’s shame. “And Clara never wore her skirts correctly,” Mom scolded a friend from her past. “The hem never even reached her knees. And wouldn’t you know it, she had a baby before we were out of high school. I don’t think she ever got married!” From the middle row of seats, Sarah and I suffered in silence through this same monologue every Sunday morning. The conservative wing of the Independent Baptist Church planted the utmost importance of sexual purity in our minds long ago. Having kids outside of wedlock was the cardinal sin, to say nothing of
Posted by EmmaSohan (Member # 10917) on :
I remember. How is your book doing? How far are you? Do you like it?
This does not feel like a normal start. I could be wrong. I am not going to stop reading because of it, but you are discouraging me as a reader.
I don't know what a console is. I don't understand how or why someone would grab a fistful of Chips Ahoy. Doesn't everyone eat cookies one at a time?
If you said the car was filled with the smell of crumbs and shame, I wouldn't mind as much as saying the car perpetually smelled of their shame. Does shame have a smell? Would a teen describe herself that way?
Would she self-describe that thought as planted in her brain? Most people have a much different illusion about that. You kind of leave your main character out of the scene.
I have thought about how to start a book so that you as writer get it finished. Your start seems good for that. I am worried about things like telling the story from your perspective rather than the teen's, or not thinking through details.
Posted by Mecopitch (Member # 10173) on :
Emma - I'm just over 50 thousand in my second draft. I "pantsed" my way through the first, wrote a detailed outline with some scenes and dialogue, then began again. I'm enjoying it, about to enter the third act,
Could you be more specific regarding what you'd expect in a normal start? Or maybe an example?
If I change "console" to "glove box" would that be easier to understand? Where she gets the handful of cookies from doesn't matter as much, so long as it's clear they are in a vehicle.
Instead of the passive "was filled with the smell of crumbs and shame" I tried to use an active voice, describing what the POV character notes and remembers in the vehicle. If left alone, I imagine cookie crumbs and old chocolate take on a certain smell. I have always ascribed a certain smell to different stimuli to perspiration. When being constantly lectured on purity in the middle row of a stuffy van, I imagine there would be an odor recognized by the narrator. (This might just be me)
The image of the mother I'm trying to convey is not a flattering one. So, while I know I eat cookies one at a time and I assume most people do, this mother does not. The character of the mother is further described later as well. She is a large part of the POV's conflict, as the POV character is always trying to escape, but afraid to. Even into adulthood, he never seems to leave "his mother's house"
Would something like the following be better for you?
-On the first Sunday of September, from the middle row of Dad’s beat-up caravan, I watched Mom pinch another stack of Chips Ahoy between her fingers before she had finished the last. I hid my disgust behind tired eyes and listened as she continued that morning’s rant, in between bites. “And Clara never wore her skirts correctly,” Mom scolded a friend from her past. “The hem never even reached her knees. And wouldn’t you know it, she had a baby before we were out of high school. I don’t think she ever got married!”
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
I like the last paragraph as an opening better. I'd change "scolded" to "described" of something like that, though.
I think you could replace "Chips Ahoy" with just "cookies" because it doesn't matter what they are, just that she can stack them between her fingers.
Posted by Jay Greenstein (Member # 10615) on :
Look at this opening, not as the author, who knows all the setup, backstory, and character’s needs and hangups, and more. Take the seat of a reader, who knows only what the words suggest to them based on their background, and without any knowledge of your intent.
quote:Mom reached into the console for another fistful of Chips Ahoy before continuing the weekly lecture on spiritual and sexual purity.
Someone we know nothing about—called Mom—in an unknown location, is talking to unknown people about her viewpoint on an unknown religion’s teachings, for unknown reasons. Since I know none of the people, as a reader, why do I care?
You see them sitting in a car. You know who’s in the car and where they’re sitting. I had a console table in my house, so I didn’t, as I read, and had to correct. Lots of times something like that will place the reader, and can be useful,but this time it didn't.
If we’re to be in the viewpoint of the protagonist we need to be the protagonist. But if what we’re reading is a report, presented by a narrator whose voice is emotion free because we can’t hear it, we not only can’t be in the protagonist’s viewpoint, we can’t be in that car. We can only hear about it, second-hand
Using first person personal pronouns don’t automatically place us into the protagonist’s viewpoint. If it’s the narrator talking to the reader, about things in the scene, as against us being there in the moment that the protagonist calls “now,” it’s you pretending to have once been the one experiencing the events.
The one living the events is focused on that matters to them in their moment of now. They’re unaware that there’s someone watching so they cannot talk to them. And if they’re focused on something, then they must react to it. But if the mom is always eating the chips will the character be focused on them? No. So your mentioning them gives them undeserved and unintended importance. To give the reader the knowledge that Mom is self-indulgent, add a tag to speech, like, “she said, as she stuffed yet another handful of chips into her mouth. Background data is best given as enrichment to necessary lines, where it’s not the focus of attention of the sentence. That way the reader, focusing on what matters, gets the knowledge as ambiance.
quote:Dad’s beaten-up, ‘94 Dodge caravan perpetually smelled of her crumbs and my and my sister’s shame.
As a reader waiting for something to happen, why do I care what the car smells like on any day other than today—or even today? Instead of action, you, the narrator are talking to the reader. You opened with Mom reaching for the chips. Then, you left her there, and froze the scene to talk about things irrelevant to what matters to the protagonist. That’s not story. It’s data. And in the wise words of E. L. Doctorow: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
So…if we’re in the car, make the reader feel they’re there, not learning about it. Open with story, not backstory.
quote: “And Clara never wore her skirts correctly,” Mom scolded a friend from her past.
You can only scold someone who is there. That aside, don’t tell us the woman didn’t wear her skirt right. Tell the reader what she did wrong. As Mark Twain put it: “Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.”
I know I’ve said before, and do it a lot. But story happens. History is talked about. And in history, facts matter. But our reader isn’t seeking knowledge. They want to be made to care, and become involved in what deeply matters to the protagonist in their “now.” Only if we place the reader into that moment can there be uncertainty in the reader’s mind as to the immediate future.
History is immutable. It has everything fiction has: adventure, murder, mayhem, infidelity, romance…everything but suspense. And that matters because suspense and worry are what the reader feeds on. It’s what they come to us for. Make your reader stop reading to say, “Holy crap…what do we do now?” and you have a happy reader, one who will blow out their breath and then dive back into the story. Lecture them and they’re gone.
One very strong way of drawing the reader into the story by providing a strong character viewpoint is what are called motivation/response units. First, we learn what has just caused the protagonist to change focus. This calibrates the reader’s perception to that of the protagonist. Assume that it’s a pebble against the window. Were it you, busy reading a book, the sudden sound might startle, and cause you (or in this case the protagonist) to startle, an instinctive reaction that may or may not occur—or matter. But still, if it does, it should be reported because the reader should share the protagonist’s life, not the synopsis of it.
Next, the protagonist, will analyze the motivation to see if it warrants some action attention or thought. This could take a millisecond or an hour. But unless interrupted, it will complete.
Then comes the analysis as we decide what action to take, what resources are available, and how that action will resonate as to other things. This is a critical point for the writer because here is where we can slip in context. A thought of “Oh no,” as a response to the pebble, gives a different anticipation than a smile. The kind of reaction will give the reader a great deal of information as to how they should react. And any decision-making on the part of the protagonist will be vetted by the reader as to how they feel the event should be handled. So if we make the reader know the event as the protagonist does, along with their options and necessities, they will be deciding that the protagonist should do what you want them to, and feel they have a stake in the outcome. In other words, a small hook. Again, this is something that can take a short or long time, depending on the situation and the urgency of it. But it always takes place. Failing to involve the reader in it means they will lack context for what’s supposedly happening to them, via their avatar.
And finally, the protagonist decides and acts. And that sets up an interesting dynamic. Because of the nature of fiction on the page the reader will find out what happens, and react to it, before the protagonist does. So, if you’ve calibrated the reader to the protagonist properly, the reader will react as the protagonist and feel that it happened to them. And isn’t that why we read, to feel we’re living the story moment-by-moment?
If we don’t use M/RU’s what are we doing but presenting a report about the character and the events?
The steps I outlined above have been in use for centuries, but were formally codified by Dwight Swain, along with a lot more, which is why I so often recommend his, Techniques of the Selling Writer.
This was a lot longer then I intended, and for that I apologize. Obviously, I feel strongly about this. But that’s because it fixes the single most common reason for rejection, which is that after so many years of practicing the art of explaining the facts to the reader in our primary school days, and using that skill-set for work, we end up with the certainty that the word writing in the name of the profession, Fiction-Writing refers to the skill we already have. Fully 75% of the submissions to publishers come from people who have take no steps to add to that—mostly because no one told them there is another approach to writing. The publishers call that unreadable. Of the remaining 25%, all but three are deemed unprofessional. SO picking up a few of the tricks the pros take for granted is a necessity.
And finally: I’m not a pro, and the views I’m passing on are my interpretation of the teachings of people like Swain. So take that that into account. My goal with this wasn’t to discourage you, or tear your story apart, only to show why you need more tricks in your toolbox. So as always, for professional skills, go to the pro.
Hope this helps.
Posted by Mecopitch (Member # 10173) on :
KDB - I think I like the second option better as well, though I'm sure I can make it less clunky.
Jay - This is immensely helpful. Thank you!
It could be that I find difficulty in this because most of the work I've done has been either reading police reports or engineering audio. I was paid to analyze and describe my world. Breaking that habit is clearly not easy.
I'm trying to convey the setting, conflict, and an antagonist efficiently, without resorting to something like the following.
-We were in the van, going to church on a Sunday morning and mom was stuffing her face full of cookies.-
Does that catch attention and show action better than either of my two previous examples? Please tell me if it does, because I may be overthinking everything. (I'm a Myers-Briggs INTJ if that makes sense to anyone)
Posted by EmmaSohan (Member # 10917) on :
Hi Mecopitch. I'm glad to hear you are making good progress and enjoying your writing.
Why are you trying to avoid: "We were in the van, going to church on a Sunday morning and mom was stuffing her face full of cookies."
Posted by EmmaSohan (Member # 10917) on :
You asked what I expected. There are different ways to start, so there is no answer to that.
I will try to answer, but this might be specific to just the start.
Whatever advantage details have, they probably aren't worth starting a book with. So, if you look at a start I wrote, I kind of did the same start as Jay -- something is happening. And then I worked in your details.
I postponed your character's general description of the rant/lecture. You have it first, where it's almost like a topic sentence. I put it later, where it works more like an explanation.
I slowly work in the setting you want. I tried to capture your idea of her eating the cookies the way you wanted, but it wasn't easy.
"Clara wore her skirts so short I expected to see her panties." Mom was criticizing some old friend of hers I had never even heard of. My sister and I were a captive audience in the back seat of the car.
She stuffed another Chips Ahoy into her mouth. "She might as well have been wearing a sign saying 'I am a slut'" She stuffed another cookie into her mouth. "And of course she had a baby before we were out of high school. I don’t think she ever got married.”
It was Sunday, we were on our way to church, and she was giving us her weekly lecture on The Godliness of Sexual Purity.
Um, everyone has tehir own way of doing things. I have seen books start with details, but I'm thinking that isn't a good choice except maybe for adult literary.
Posted by EmmaSohan (Member # 10917) on :
Added. I think a start could be:
Mom stuffed two Chips Ahoy's into her mouth. "Clara...
Jay, is that start seem acceptable?
It has the main character's emotions. Even better, it has conflict.
Posted by Jay Greenstein (Member # 10615) on :
quote: -We were in the van, going to church on a Sunday morning and mom was stuffing her face full of cookies.-
Before any other comments, look at what’s not necessary to the thought being conveyed, and what can be condensed or removed for a faster read: • If we say we’re on the way to church, is there any need to identify the day? The destination matters. The day doesn’t. • Does it matter of it’s a day or evening service? • Does the story change if it’s a sedan or convertible? No. So why specify the type of vehicle? • Given that “stuffing her face” implies it, why include the word “full?”
So it boils down to: “We were driving to church and mom was stuffing her face with cookies.” 13 words as against 21. It now reads nearly twice as fast and says the same thing. And if a story takes less time to read it has more impact.
That aside, It’s still the narrator, from the comfort of their office, reporting the events. It’s not happening as we read. And because the subject of the sentence is mom and cookies it must be something important enough to respond to. But does he?
If, for example, you’d said, “We were driving to church—mom stuffing her face with cookies, when a cat darted into the street in front of us.” That demotes the cookies to ambiance and character development, and happens to the protagonist in real time. Something like that would make the reader wonder what happens next. But a line is a statement about cookies it’s just a report.
I know where you’re coming from so far as your writing history being primarily nonfiction. That was me. Add to that the fact that no one ever told us that we need more than the writing skills we get in school. I can tell you from experience, that getting my existing writing reflexes to stand aside and stop changing the text as I typed was was one of the harder things I've done in my life.
It’s nowhere near as effective a teacher as that Dwight Swain book I recommended, but they sell two, hour long audio condensations of Swain’s all-day workshops—one on writing, and one on character creation. They’re cheap and helpful. They sell under the title, Dwight Swain, Master Writing Teacher, and cost about $6 US. I found them worth the money for what he has to say about writers and editors he’s known. And more than once, as I listened, I found myself saying, “The man’s a damned genius.
Posted by Mecopitch (Member # 10173) on :
Emma - Ah! Yes! Your explanation and expectations make perfect sense to me!
Jay - I wonder if writing this in third-person limited will fix this issue for me, in this case. I'm less likely to slip into a reporting mode, when I'm not the POV. (It's not really me, but close enough)
I had an audible credit lying around, so I've got Master Writing Teacher coming to me, though I'm not spending money on anything but food and electricity until my industry is allowed to work again.
Thank you everyone.
Posted by Jay Greenstein (Member # 10615) on :
First person, third person, who cares? That's an authorial preference for the most part. The trick is to make the reader feel as if they're living the story, not studying the detailed history of someone who doesn't exist. We want the reader so involved, emotionally, that they literally shout advice to the protagonist, the way they do to those on the screen.
Every writer has seen the advice, "show, don't tell." Most people think this means to be more visual. But the advice makes more sense if you add the term "viewpoint" after the word "show."
For me it all boils down to that Doctorow quote: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And that leads to one by Hemingway: “It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.”😁
Posted by EmmaSohan (Member # 10917) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jay Greenstein: First person, third person, who cares?
I have thought about this. In my experience, if you want to take a character's point of view, and you write in first person present, the "errors" are more obvious.
But if you want to get away with making those "errors", you are better off in past tense and third person. Because the "errors" will be more obvious to the reader too.
In past tense, it is easier to present events out of order. In third person, it is easier to have narration that does not fit the character.
What I actually did was take passages in other POVS and translate them into first person present. Then I noticed "errors" I hadn't noticed before.
I agree that in theory a story can be told from the character's perspective in any POV.