suffers from the problem, common in this zine, of an opening in which the author tries to stuff as many extraneous details into a paragraph as possible:
Earth Unity Ambassador Chanda Kasmira received the first word of her latest problem while in her quarters studying the details of the evacuation plan for the planet Splendor. The holo that appeared before her desk was of her Military Liaison Trenton Bram aboard the starcraft Nivara II, orbiting Splendor. “We’ve got a civilian craft that just took orbit,” he told her. “And a man on board, Kelsey Solheim, is insisting upon coming down.”
How do you think the above paragraph would have been received here at hatrack?
http://www.locusmag.com/Reviews/2011/10/lois-tilton-reviews-short-fiction-e arly-october-2/#an201112
[This message has been edited by OliverBuckram (edited October 06, 2011).]
This one, however, got through the mill. An editor bought it. I don't know the writer (does anybody?) It is from the issue featuring our own Brad R. Torgerson with the cover story, which has much better opening sentences.
(By the way, I never post anything over there, and hardly ever comment, 'cause I almost never have anything of my own to put up. Wouldn't be fair to cut people down without offering something for them to cut down in return. I look at 'em from time to time, though...)
Secondly, I'm not sure which story this is from - I'm guessing Brad's "Ray of Light", but you should make that clear in order to give proper credit to what you have quoted.
Thirdly, the first thirteen is only one way of getting past slush readers, which is one of the primary purposes of the technique. Another way of getting past slush readers is by having a recognizable name (usually through previous professional publications like Brad has).
Lastly, Analog is typically hard science fiction (alien planets, spaceships, techno-babble, etc.). This opening would probably be more appealing to that magazine than something like Fantasy and Science Fiction, which tends to have softer, more character driven stories.
And it is just one paragraph.
But yeah, I would have suggested a toning down of facts. If the story is 1000 words it'd be OK, I guess, but still.
This goes along with knowing your market.
Axe
Splendor - it's a sweet planet.
But I'd agree that it is TMI for the amount of space it's taking.
By the way when I read the opening in the first post I thought one of a couple of pros had written it. I've read novels with that type of opening. And they were popular.