Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sample Query

This is topic Sample Query in forum Writing Class at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Since I've had a couple of people request this, here's my query letter as it looked before I talked to an editor.

quote:

Dear [blank]:
Many children have moved because their parents have gotten a new job. What happens if that new job is at the American Consulate in China? In my mid-level chapter book, Two Ordinary Children, Marie and Kennedy are experiencing the shock of a new culture. To make matters worse, they have a new baby sister.
And then there is the Bone Demon.
On a quest to rescue their baby sister from the infamous Bone Demon, Marie and Kennedy journey through remote sections of China where legends still live. With the aid of the Monkey King, China's best known hero, the children narrowly escape being transformed into snakes, battle demons, and bargain with talking rocks. They overcome their obstacles, not with magical powers, but with the determination of ordinary children.
I was inspired to write Two Ordinary Children when my brother went to work at the American Consulate in Guangzhou China, taking my niece and nephew with him.
As a professional puppeteer, I am familiar with the 9-12 age range. I have worked with the Monkey King tales on stage, researching the costumes, architecture and customs of the T'ang dynasty (the setting for the original Monkey King stories). I even studied Mandarin Chinese as part of a research trip to China. My short stories appeared in the 2004 Fall and Summer issues of the literary magazine “The First Line.”
May I submit my 55,600-word manuscript, Two Ordinary Children, for your consideration?

Sincerely yours,
Mary Robinette Kowal

I had heard the advice to cut everything that didn't relate to the story and actually thought I'd done that. So wrong... After I talked to an editor from Putnam (who not only repeated that, but offered to edit my letter for me) my letter looks like this.

quote:

Dear [blank]:
In my middle grade novel, Two Ordinary Children, Marie and Kennedy are experiencing the shock of a new culture in China. To make matters worse, they have a new baby sister.
And then there is the Bone Demon.
On a quest to rescue their baby sister from the infamous Bone Demon, Marie and Kennedy journey through remote sections of China where legends still live. With the aid of the Monkey King, China's best known hero, the children narrowly escape being transformed into snakes, battle demons, and bargain with talking rocks. They overcome their obstacles, not with magical powers, but with the determination of ordinary children.
As a professional puppeteer, I have worked with the Monkey King tales on stage, researching the costumes, architecture and customs of the T'ang dynasty (the setting for the original Monkey King stories).
May I submit my 56,000-word manuscript, Two Ordinary Children, for your consideration?
Sincerely yours,
Mary Robinette Kowal

She also offered the advice to use the word processor count for novels.

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited February 10, 2005).]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Thank you, Mary Robinette.

This will be very helpful.

Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :

Thanks for posting this. It always amazes me how much can actually be cut from something while maintaining the key message.

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

Thanks, Mary, you're the best!

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Great example of a really helpful post. Perhaps one of the better posts I've seen here. Thanks.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Excellent! Thanks, MaryR.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Just to let you know that I used your sample query as the basis for the following query and the editor was excited and asked me to submit immediately.

Thanks

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

Editor, The Games Journal
c/o Greg Aleknevicus
2737 Gamble Dr.
Victoria, BC V9B 4W4
CANADA

Dear Greg:

Gaming isn't for everyone: not for all parents, nor for all childen. When you're the parent of adopted kids with problems, it might seem that gaming wouldn't be a good way to deal with their issues.

And yet it works for us.

On a quest to rescue a stranded wizard in a dungeon, two brothers are faced with challenges. They have to navigate a maze, get past traps without alerting the guardians, and extract a sleeping wizard before the dragon awakes. But that isn't the hard part; they also have to work together and focus as hard as other kids who aren't bipolar or attention deficit.

Can they do it? What happens when they try? And why should a parent expose them to dungeon gaming? My article answers these questions and demonstrates some of the benefits as well as the dangers of gaming with special-needs children.

An earlier version of this article appeared several years ago in the Role Playing Tips Newsletter. Are you interested in an article on this topic? May I submit a 1,000 word (approximate) article for your consideration?

Sincerely yours,

Mike Munsil

Posted by RavenStarr (Member # 2327) on :

Thanks Mary, very educational... It's somewhat shocking how much he cut out, but I can also see the points he was making with it all...

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Mike, that's a great query letter and I'm so glad my sample helped.

RavenStarr: I know. I was a little shocked by what she had to say too, but it is a better letter.

Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :

Thank you Mary and Mike,what great examples. I heard an agent speak last fall and when she was asked what advice she would give to new writers her first answer was - learn to write a good query letter.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

posting so this topic will be visible