The first step is this:

Please post your first thirteen in this thread by October 11th, (slightly longer this month to minimize the clash with the Sudden fiction deadline) using the following format:

Title:
Word count:
Genre:
First thirteen:

Please do not post anything else in this thread. For discussions and questions, and to see how this group works, please use the ‘Open Discussions’ thread entitled “Ready for Market--October”.

I’ll post instructions in this thread as and when necessary.

For reference here’s the overall monthly cycle:
On the 1st day of the month everyone is invited to post first 13s.

We give ourselves a week or so to do that. This is not time for writing since the stories should be ready for market, but just recognising that we can't all get to things immediately.

During the week after entries close, we
- grade first 13s
- request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story we'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 we scored highly)

By the last day of the month we
- grade at least one manuscript
- grade more stories if we want to (e.g. those that have great first 13s in addition to our favourites)

The "end of the day" is the end of the day in your local time. There's no need to be more precise than that.

Cheers,
Pat

 

Satisfaction.
It was the first thing Lena felt after she pulled the trigger.
Charles’ face went white, his mouth agape. He sat down on the bed and stared at his lifeless wife on the floor.
“How does it feel to have your life ruined?” Lena asked.
Charles didn’t reply. He continued to stare at the corpse with the gaping head wound. The west wall of the bedroom was sprayed with brain matter. A pool of blood soaked into the carpet.
Lena waited for Charles to break down. To start crying, scream with anger, or better yet, grab the gun and take his own life. Instead his shocked expression slowly changed into that blank, emotionless stare she hated so much.
“Show some feelings for me for once, you pig!”

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited October 02, 2008).]
 

When the motion sensor tripped, Edward-65 moved smoothly from power-conserve mode to full power-up. Somebody muttered under their breath and there was the scrape of boxes being moved about. Edward-65 analysed the speech pattern; it was a perfect match.
"Good morning, Mr. Snape. I was hoping you would come one day." With only a few minutes of power left in his batteries, he was anxious--a simulated, yet very real emotion to him—to make a final request of his master.
"Who said that...?"
"I did, sir. Over here, behind the boxes."
Edward-65 didn't move--he couldn't--but grimy hands appeared and lifted the dusty box that had blocked Edward-65’s view for the last twelve years.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 03, 2008).]
 

Fantasy/Horror

3,500 words

Warning-Rated NC-17 for violence

Estellia walked disconsolate through the mechanized landscape of warehouses, tenements and factories. She hated it here, hated the smoke, rust, and metal, the grinding of machines.
She had come to find work, but she wanted to leave the land of Yesidria and its mechanical magic behind her. She longed to go to one of the other countries like Zelania or Hasid where there were still trees, animals and clean air.
However, for the time being, she lacked the means to go anywhere else, so for now she tried to find a way to survive here.
Estellia was young yet, but the sooty darkness of this place, its dirty concrete and rusted metal made her feel old sometimes. Her will and her spirit were strong though, and she fought within herself not to let the darkness and despair of her surroundings seep into her heart.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited October 03, 2008).]
 

Torchlight colored the mist of Gripp's breath as it disappeared over the wall of the fort and into darkness. He normally didn't mind the late watch, but in the last hour his companion hadn't shut his mouth for more than a few seconds. Now Gripp knew why they called him Fatlip.
"It's true then? What they say about your family," Fatlip said.
Gripp nodded and heard Fatlip whistle.
"All dead in service to Dunfall. Ain't that some luck."
"My mother is still alive," said Gripp.
Fatlip managed a few heartbeats of silence before continuing. "The boys all have bets about why you got sent out here with the rest of us. See, we've all had our problems: fighting, deserting, and worse. But you, I've heard you're one of Master

 

The lift pitched and lurched on its way up the long shaft causing my stomach to tighten. A cold wind whistled through the gaps between the wood planks of the rickety car.

“We should get ready, Leigh,” Mom said over the din of the other passengers.

I nodded and began pulling additional clothes from my pack. They were older and more tattered than what I already wore but would provide an extra layer of protection against the sub-zero temperatures and deadly wind above.

“Goggles on,” the operator called out.

I fished my goggles from my pack and wiped the ultraviolet lens before pulling them over my eyes. The heavy cloth shawl I wrapped around my head smelled of mildew and old
 

[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited October 06, 2008).]
 

Metal Fatigue by Skadder - 8

A quick and clear set up, perfect for its size. I got a clear idea what the MC is about and its dilemma. One knit is the last sentence, a Edward-65 echo. Perhaps you should change one to ‘the robot’ or something? I am reading on to the next page eagerly.

Estellia's Awakening by Merlion-Emrys - 3

Ooooo – an info-dump. Not a good way to hook a reader. Easily fixable with either some dialog or a descriptive scene showing her walk through this dirty, noisy, heartless, factory. A few other things that bugged me.
Disconsolate, a little too thesaurus-ary for me.
A misplaced ‘and’ in the second sentence.
A tendency to qualify the end of your sentence with that extra word or two. Such as, behind her, here, sometimes, though. These little things feels like you’re writing down to the reader.
Nevertheless, this has the air of something interesting. Rework that opening and your guaranteed a sharp hook. At this point, I may not read on.

Shepherd of Men by Alliedfive - 5

Two men standing guard, eeeh. Okay but not that exciting. The speech tags seem unnecessary, could use a little reworking regarding them. I’m iffy about reading on but probably would.

The Rink by AWSullivan - 6

The biggest issue I have with this is I’m not sure what is going on. You probably can’t help that because you can only put in so much in 13 lines. Still, as far as a hook goes only a curiosity of this cold world would get me to read on.

A Way Out by Kathyton - 7

Well written and not a bad hook. I don’t have the feeling of much of a conflict or dilemma at this point. The strong prose would encourage me to plow on through.

My Interstellar Galway Hooker - 6

I'm confused but the cunfusion sort of hooks me. It appears that this is some sort of intergalactic wide web that the MC is commenting on but I can't be sure. I'd probably keep reading to see where it is going.

Johnny Bench Jupiter by Kin Castelmare - 5

The concept makes it hooky but the plausibility factor almost cancels it. I think this would be better without that first paragraph. The second one would be a better way to open, minus [bAssignment[/b]. Also, even if it were possible, Jupiter wouldn't fall toward Earth. It'd fall toward the sun and collide with Earth along the way.

As always, all are free to send me their submissions. First come, first served. I will do my best to critique them all.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited October 11, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited October 13, 2008).]
 

(I had some challenges this week and was unable to get to Hatrack in my usual fashion. I apologised for tardiness in the Sudden Ficiton thread and forgot to do so here too--and I apologise for that too!)

Cheers,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited October 11, 2008).]
 

She'll live longer than me. She's a starship.
My part is to love her. I guess there were others before and will be others in future, but today, here, now, it's me. I'm her lover.
She wasn't Eva when I first spotted her. She was _SpaceChic_. That was her online handle. She was arguing with some moron about how an alien race might best handle first contact with Earth. "Fry the White House, land on its lawn and ask who else would like to argue," the moron had suggested.
"Do alien races _have_ to jump straight from diplomacy to dibombacy?" she'd asked. Then the flame war started and she disappeared from sight.
A while later she popped up in another forum, this time asking
 

And thanks, snapper, for keeping things alive.

Like snapper, I'd be delighted to crit all the stories so please do send yours to me if you'd like.

Cheers,
Pat
 

Maybe I'm missing something, but I can't tell if the lifeless wife is Lena or someone else. I'd perhaps read on but I'd expect to know quite soon. Also, I was confused by the abrupt change of mood between the title--pity--and the first word--satisfaction.

Metal Fatigue by skadder -- 7

I like robot stories. Somehow, this one seems to take too many words to establish that the robot has been on standby for twelve years. Also, if he was anxious, I doubt he'd be thinking about the authenticity of the emotion. And Snape is firmly in my mind as Master of Potions, I'm afraid.

Estellia's Awakening by Merlion-Emrys -- 6

I think I remember an earlier version of this from Fragments and Feedback, and it's vastly improved IMHO. I can see the grim industrial landscape. I think you could delete "one of the other countries". I stumbled over "was young yet, but " because "young yet" is a rare form of words--rare but nice. Maybe a semicolon instead of the comma? More important, if she has a strong will and spirit, why's she disconsolate and fighting darkness and despair? It seems contradictory, and I'd read on but hesitantly, for I like the motivation of characters to be clear--even if of themselves, they are human and hence contradictory.

Shepherd of Men by alliedfive -- 5

I imagine he's on some kind of guard duty. If his breath disappears over the wall he must be close to it--dangerously exposed to enemies without? If torchlight is coloring his breath, it's not entirely dark. I can't see the scene. Why does Gripp nod that it's true what they say, when it's not--his mother is still alive. It would take a better hint as to what makes Gripp interesting to entice me further into the story.

The Rink by AWSullivan -- 7

I'm intrigued, wondering what's at the top of the liftshaft and why it's so cold. From the first para I had a sense of noise of the car and the wind, so the "din of the other passengers" came as a bit of a disconnect. If they too are preparing themselves--or if not--it would be nice to know, to get a more complete picture of what's going on in the lift. (Brit, huh? That'll likely have to change to "elevator" if you submit it to a US market--but you knew that.)

A Way Out by Kathyton -- 7

I'm hooked, because I'd like to know what they're up to. The opening phrase bemused me. I could not make sense of it until Carter was mentioned. I'd suggest something like, "Carter felt for a toehold in the concrete wall. With one foot balanced on Abe's thin shoulder, he wobbled ..." The POV character appears to be Carter, yet it seems to me that "Carter took his sweet time pulling ..." is narrated from Abe's POV and it threw me slightly.

My Interstellar Galway Hooker by TaleSpinner -- mine

Johnny Bench Jupiter by Kin Castelmare -- 3

I had trouble suspending disbelief. Jupiter's a big planet and it would take a lot to push it out of orbit. Not only that, for it also to be headed towards Earth, and not some other little spot in all that space above, below and around us, seems an impossibly remote possibility. I found myself skipping the lines about watching the sky, because Santiago's reaction is predictable, in hope of finding a reason to suspend disbelief--and I would need to find it awful quick to continue reading. As it stands I get a feeling of witholding, partly because I think the secure transmission would say more and that it would be revealing.
I look forward to reading your stories, folks.

Cheers,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited October 11, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited October 12, 2008).]
 

I guess I should read those instructions, huh?
I edited it to include yours.
 

Pity for Lenia snapper-6

Nicely done, and pretty gripping with the blood and the brains and all. Can't help but grab one. I was a tiny bit confused though as to who Lena is and why she's wanting Charlie to show feelings for her..I guess a mistress but I just felt a little fuddled by the scene

Metal Fatigue skadder-8

I'm not big on robots or the idea of "simulated emotions" however trying to look objectively this is very well done. Lots of information in there, and for someone who doesnt dislike the subject matter no doubt very gripping

Shepherd of Men alliedfive-6

I wonder about whats up with Gripp somewhat, beyond that there just isn't a lot thats interesting to me personally. But I see nothing particularly wrong with the writing.

The Rink AWSullivan-7

This puts me in mind of a wintry Mad Max sort of thing, which is somewhat interesting if I'm in the right mood. Definitely makes one want to see exactly whats going on.

A Way Out kathyton-9

I've actually read this one, or a version of it at least. It was strong then, and my recent reading has led me to believe its very likely to get published. The events of the first 13 arent super exciting, but the setting and writing strength more than make up for it.

My Interstellar Galway Hooker TaleSpinner-9

Honestly, this doesnt entirely make sense. But, it does so in a good way, a way that makes me want to read on till it does make sense, and thats hard to do. We don't know why she's both a starship and someone in a chatroom, but its clear we will find out. Very nice.

Johnny Bench Jupiter Kim Castelmare-7

The writing is good and I like the transmission thing, but again its rather implausible that Jupiter would leave its orbit...and I also tend to think that even at that distance, it would wreak havoc on the earth.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited October 14, 2008).]
 

Title: Johnny Bench Jupiter
Word Count: 6,200
Genre: SF

Secure Transmission: MMiW/169_05624.k44 - - Decrypted/NASA/internal/4601.6
Verification Confirmed: Beijing, Buenos Aires, Houston, London, Los Angeles, Moscow, Mumbai, Sao Paulo, Seattle, Sydney, Tokyo, Vienna
Situation Status: The planet Jupiter has departed orbit and is falling towards Earth. //p.8_006

Assignment
Lynnley Santiago watched the sky. Looking up was the number one international pastime now and she couldn't help itcould anyone? Even during the day she caught herself glancing up every time she walked outside. At night, at least, she could see the planet. It had become almost as large as the moon in all its colorful, swirling, atmospheric glory.

[This message has been edited by Kin Castelmare (edited October 12, 2008).]
 

It's good to see eight entries this month.

Cheers,
Pat
 

Metal 8
I'm interested and invested in Edward; he has a specific problem and is confronting it. flows well. Minor, minor thing to take me out of it -- "Mr. Snape." the Harry Potter world seems to own that name in the public imagination. So, I'm expecting Snape to meet a robot here (which would be excellently cool. But I suspect that isn't going to happen )
 

estellia 5

I love the sense of place here, and Estellia's goal, motive, and conflict are well established. Great, starry-night name for an earth-bound girl. Nice, smooth prose. I'd like to see some of this exposition turned into scene. That would get the reader into Estellia's head and more deeply invest her in Estellia's predictament.

Shepherd 8
Fantastic opening image -- beautiful and does a lot of work in setting scene. Interesting characters, great dialogue. Easy to care about them. It does have a novel-like feel to the opening, which may be OK for a longer short story. (Doesn't bother me as a reader, might bother an editor.) Otherwise, I'd like to see Gripe encountering a specific problem, or at least hint at it, in this opening.

the rink 6
this is a good scene -- established world, characters, and the danger they confront. I'm interested in them and where they're going. I'm wondering about Leigh's goals. I assume her poverty prevents her from reaching them, whatever they are. The prose is smooth, but could be tightened for the opening. One description of the ragged clothes would make the same point and give the author more space for goal, motive, conflict material. I'd suggest starting the first line with Leigh's sensory perception -- stomach --, and then the environmental explanation -- the lift.

galway hooker 7
engaging, intriguing -- I'd read on. But, while the narrator states a possibler problem, he/she loves a starship, it doesn't seem like a specific, immediate problem to be overcome in this story.

Jupiter 7

high-stakes for the world, and lovely contrast of imminent destruction and the MC's appreciation of the beauty. I'm ok with the e-mail header in this case (a long short story): it gets right to the situation, and presumably the story will show humans dealing with it. The problem with devoting so much of the first page of a story with "decorative" elements, is that little space is left for establishing the story hook -- like MC's specific goals, motives, and conflict. All that said, a story that you know is about Jupiter crashing into Earth is a strong concept that will draw in many readers on its own. If you wanted to get this under 5K (so many more markets), you could drop the email header, and just reveal that jupiter is falling toward earth through MC's thoughts about the night sky.

[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited October 12, 2008).]
 

I don't thinks the first word needs to be italicised; it isn't a thought, but a feeling. Otherwise I think it is a reasonably effective opening. I have read the whole story so I am aware what is going on. If I hadn't It might be a little confusing.
7/9

Estellia--Merlion

This is too info-dumpy with regard to the why, what and wherefores of her current situation. I do however like the feel and sense of the place that are established. I the info dumps were removed, converted or camoflaged better, this would be a good piece.
6/9

Sheperd of Men--Allied

Good voice--not a strong hook, though.
7/9

The Rink--Sullivan

I like the feel of this one. I am interested in the world that is hinted at. Please could you send me this one.
8/9

A Way Out--Kathyton

Not entirely hooked by this. A couple of college boys pulling a stunt in Paris--no hint of anything speculative. The prose and dialogue are fine.
7/9

Interstellar--Talespinner

This interests me. Please could you send me this one.
8/9

Johnny-- Kin

My initial thought was that Jupiter is the second largest object in the solar system, apart from sun. If it was as large as the moon in the sky everyone on earth would be dead as it's influence would drive the weather insane. I may be wrong--I am no astro-physiscist, but my temptation would be put this down as it feels it lacks scientific rigour.
6/9

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 13, 2008).]
 

I'm pretty confused, or maybe I'm not. Lena killed Charles' wife in order to get him to show some emotion. I presume Lena to be his lover. It's an interesting situation but I don't get the speculative element from the first 13. Also I had to re-read in order to get a feeling for who was who. Maybe just too many character intro's in teh first 13. (Lena, Charles and his wife.

Metal Fatigue by skadder -- 8

I liked this. The writing was tight and clear. Interesting that the PoV is from a contruct that has limited power. Hopefully Mr. Snape plugs him in, although that would explain the 850 word story. When your PoV character runs out of power (life) the story is typically over.

Estellia's Awakening by Merlion-Emrys -- 6

I like the idea and I am starting to feel for the character. The prose could be tightened I think though. Seems a bit wordy.

Shepherd of Men by alliedfive -- 4

I wasn't moved by this. The first sentence seems too long and too complex for me. I don't know if its too much dialog or what but there just didnt' seem to be enough action for me to get excited about.

The Rink by AWSullivan -- Mine

A Way Out by Kathyton -- 5

This is kind of interesting. I don't see even a hit of speculative element yet which I know some editors will frown on. The hint of their last 'stunt' is a fair enough hook to keep me reading.

My Interstellar Galway Hooker by TaleSpinner -- 6

The writing is fine. I like the opening paragraph. Short, says a lot with only a few words. From this I know that the protag or PoV character is mortal or atleast more mortal than 'She'. She is a starship but because the protag refers to 'her' as a 'she' I know that either he personifies her or that the world is one where ships are given some sort of AI. Good stuff. ON the toehr hand I didn't find a firm hook that I could grab on to. I presume its coming soon.

Johnny Bench Jupiter by Kin Castelmare -- 6

You definitely have a firm hook here. The jupiter 'falling' toward earth is interesting but scientifically questionable. I'm not really a hard SF person but hopefully you explain how this is possible. The writing is fine.

--------------------------------------

Like Talespinner and snapper, I will crit all stories this month. So please send them over.

~Anthony
 

I was a little confused about what was happening here. I get that Lena killed herself, but how was she talking? Otherwise good. I think if you could clear up a little confusion it would definitely be in the ready category.

Estellia's Awakening - 3

There was a grammar error in the very first sentence....desolately not desolate (adverb). Also, I thought a few of the sentences were awkward, most notably: "However, for the time being, she lacked the means to go anywhere else, so for now she tried to find a way to survive here." I stumbled over names of countries I had never heard of and that had no relevance to me...it made it difficult for me to empathize with Estella's problem. Finally, the last part of this wound its way into a bit of an info-dump before I really had a clear idea of the plot. I haven't graded one of these challenges before and I don't want to be too harsh, but in terms of readiness for market, this just seems to need more work. Now, if this was in the general feedback section, I would give it much higher marks for potential. There are some nice turns of phrase in here and the best part, at least from the glimpse I have here, is the promise of a unique and interesting landscape.

Shepherd of Men -- 6

Something about the voice was very compelling. I would honestly cut the first sentence and possibly try to weave a little bit of the setting in the middle of the dialog. The human element is the hook, and that starts in sentence 2. You do well with dialog! But Fatlip has some pretty rude things to say and I would be curious to know Gripp's internal reaction. This is close!

The Rink -- 4

I'm a little confused about what's going on. All I really know is that a girl young enough to still be taking direction from her mom is riding up a lift and it's going to be very cold at the top. While it's well written, it's not doing much to hook me.

A Way Out -- 7

Not quite my style, but I can't find anything further to polish in these first 13. You've set the scene and the characters and given us a glimpse of what they're up to.

My Interstellar Galway Hooker -- 8

Intriguing and honestly my favorite hook of the bunch. The voice is terrific and I'm curious about the characters (especially Eva). I'm not sure what it's actually about, but it doesn't have to be that sort of hook. Nice job!

Johnny Bench Jupiter

I'm torn on this one. The truth is that I am really have trouble suspending disbelief. What would cause Jupiter to break orbit that wouldn't already have done some serious badness to earth? And even assuming something could wriggle Jupiter free without effecting the other planets, why would Jupiter head towards earth as opposed to the sun? I'd be more inclined to believe that Jupiter was blown to bits and that some of the bits were going to do some serious damage to Earth. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to rate it. If I could get over that serious believability issue (which I can't), it's a compellingly world-threatening scenario and is well written! So there you are, do what you can with that.
 

Metal Fatigue -- 8

Nice opening! There is a clear story problem, I manage to feel sympathy even with a robot (I loved the part about the simulated anxiety), and it's well written.
 

Kin, I edited my crits to include yours and feel free to send your story to me if you like.
 

*skulks away*

Skadder - Metal Fatigue - 6 - Clear hook. Good writing. I was a little lost about who was talking, who was doing what at first. I think a dialog tag and some pronoun rearrangement would help.

Merlion-Emrys - Estellia's Awakening - 7 - Good atmosphere created here that for me is hook enough. The writing could probably be tightened and pared down some.

AWSullivan - The Rink - 7 - I’ve critted a version of this one, and my comments are the same. Good opening that makes me curious about what the world above is like. I don’t really know what the conflict or stakes of the characters are.

Kathyton - A Way Out - 8 - I really liked this opening. Good hook, clear writing, I can picture the scene perfectly. Also some characterization going on. Nice job. I am curious what the speculative element is.

TaleSpinner - My Interstellar Galway Hooker - 8 - Awesome opening line. Then I am confused because now we’re talking about a person, not a starship (although, that is a hook in itself). I’m hooked.

Kin Castelmare - Johnny Bench Jupiter - 7 - The problem with opening with stuff like that is I don’t care yet, so I skim. I admit I barely read all that transmission header stuff. If you started your story with “Lynnley Santiago” I think it’s a really good opening. You’ve got a clear hook (the ticking clock) and some cool imagery.

Nice job everyone.

 

~Anthony
 

Thanks for joining in despite not having a story up for crits this month.

Cheers,
Pat
 

Story overall -- 9 (Ready for market just the way it is!)

Story characteristics:

1 character development -- 9
2 plot -- 9
3 satisfactory ending -- 8
4 milieu -- 7 (only because it was a flash and there wasn't much of this...but it wasn't really necessary either)
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 9
6 unique/never been done before -- 7 (It's similar to some things I've read, but this felt fresh which is what really matters.)
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue -- 8
9 action -- 8
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 9
 

Story overall -- 8 (Only because I have the opinion a section needs to be re-done. It is an action section that would work as slo-mo in a film, but just becomes slow in text.)

Story characteristics:

1 character development -- 8
2 plot -- 6 (not a lot of plot...felt more of a character piece)
3 satisfactory ending -- 7
4 milieu -- 9 (milieu was strong)
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 7
6 unique/never been done before -- 7
7 writing style --8
8 dialogue -- 8
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") --9

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 16, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 16, 2008).]
 

Did you score on the old system of 1 to 3 or the revised one of 1 to 9? No real need to rescore with the new system if you used the old one, just for clarity.

Thanks,
Pat
 

His new scores makes it a depressing C- at 70%.

I guess he re-read it.

Anthony
 

I stand by the crit I did (although re-reading it I seem to have suggested a comma in a strange place--ignore that) and this is a B+ story.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 17, 2008).]
 

Sorry, flashback
 

So Allied, Kin. I'm ready when you are.
 

- - - - -

Pity for Lena by Snapper -- 7
Read through more than once to make sure I had a handle on the characters and what was happening, although I didn't mind. I'm a sucker for shock value, when its well done and looks like it will lead somewhere. I want to continue reading.

Metal Fatique by Skadder-- 8
Cinematic. Creates a good scene in my mind and feels like the opening to a Spielberg movie, perhaps. Establishes a connection with Edward-65 quickly. I want to continue reading.

Estellia's Awakening by Merlion-Emrys -- 5
A little hard to judge by the atmospheric start where things will go. A lot of details are put in front of us, some of which are repetitive. The words "mechanical magic" are interesting. I'd like more showing than telling but would give it a chance.

Shepherd of Men by Alliedfive -- 8
Made me smile and set up the potential for conflict right from the start. Really like how the dialog and the MC's inner voice were worked in their beats. Easy to follow, nice descriptions, interesting characters, light touch. Definitely want to read.

The Rink by AWSullivan -- 6
A bit of a slow start, but the quality of the writing tells me to trust the writer's skills. Might be a quiet beginning to a story that will lead through the "deadly wind" to something good. Would like to continue reading.

A Way Out by Kathyton -- 9
Starts with a physical dilemma, adds Paris for atmosphere and then lets me know there's a caper underway. I'm hooked. I can see the whole scene in my mind and can't wait to see where it will lead. Need to read.

My Intersteller Galway Hooker by TaleSpinner -- 8
Great juxtaposition of words in the title. Sort of a hitch-and-scoot start with all the new words and expressions. Fun but I keep slowing down to absorb them, although I don't mind too much. Like the premise and want to see where it leads.

- - - - -

I will send out Johnny Bench Jupiter to those who have requested by Monday. Please do send me your stories everyone! Next week will be a good week for reading and responding.
 

Story Overall-8 Could nearly be 9 but there were a couple of elements I think are a tiny bit overused, and the begining was just a tad unfocused

character development-9 very nicely done here

plot-not really a lot of it in context I'd say 8

satisfactory ending-9

milieu-7 a little more about the world isn't neccesary but a couple of small touches might enhance things

willing suspension of disbelief-9 (note I have the most willing suspension of disbelief, for the most part, on the planet0

unique-mostly about a 7, a few of the concepts 3

writing style-7 good overall, there are some parts especially toward the begining that feel...not immature but sort of. a little forced maybe. a better notion of the MC's age might help.

dialogue-8 also very nice for the most part

action-there really wasnt any, so I'm not going to rate this

understandable-9

Very nice peace overall. Very saleable, I think. My only major complaints are that the whole "mankind is too immature and warlike for space" and/or "technologically advanced species have outgrown conflict" things have been done a bit to death. And I also dont really agree with the last one realistically...I dont think any species would ever "outgrow" conflict, except maybe through borg-like mind control etc.
Second especially at the begining there seems to be a hint of "golly jee wiz" type feeling in the writing style that may or may not work, I'm not totally sure myself.
That and maybe throw in just a few more light touches of info on the world and main character, and I think you'll have a very strong piece.
 

Story Overall-8 I enjoyed this story, but found my self slightly unsatisfied by the ending. It seemed to me to be a story of boy pursuing girl (yeah..a spaceship). She is described as this gorgeous, intelligent, fiesty, funny girl and by the end I wanted them to get it on (at least to some degree). That appeared to be the set-up, anyway, but the story lacked the payout, as they didn't. Couldn't they get it on a little in VR? Still, this story will sell. With a few improvements it will sell VERY well, IMHO (but then I am no editor!).

character development-9

plot-8

satisfactory ending-7

milieu-8

willing suspension of disbelief-8

unique-8

writing style-8

dialogue-8 also very nice for the most part

action-8.

understandable-9

I am sorry, but I have some personal problems (my father's health) at present, and so can only offer this level of crit. I planned to crit the entire piece, but I am afraid I can't concentrate, so this will have to do. I was going to ask for a few more, but I don't think I can do them justice at present.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 20, 2008).]
 

Wishing you and your father all the best,
Pat
 

Story overall -- 7 -- I really see no flaws in the writing, plotting, or characters. I only mark it down because I wasn't that interested in the subject matter. Felt like I needed to either be a musician or a bigger music fan than I am to really enjoy it.

Story characteristics:

1 character development -- 8 -- Good job here. Clearly defined people.
2 plot -- 8 -- pretty simple, everything made sense.
3 satisfactory ending -- 9 -- all the loose ends tied up.
4 milieu -- 6 -- I know where I am, but it wasn't the focus.
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 4 -- Honestly, this felt like a non-fantasy story until the you-know-what happens, and by then it felt out of place.
6 unique/never been done before -- 9 -- I have never read anything like it.
7 writing style -- 9 -- Really nice, as usual from Kathyton.
8 dialogue -- 9 -- Perfectly believable and helped the characterization.
9 action -- 6 -- Not a ton of it, but I think I felt tension where I was supposed to.
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 9
 

I have read them all. Since this is the Ready for Market thread, I am going to treat the stories as if I were the Assistant Editor of a major magazine. Somewhat like John Adams of Fantasy and Science Fiction is. Typically, major SFWA publications get anywhere from 300 to 800 submissions an issue. Not an easy task getting published in one. AE's, like Mr Adams, has the job of narrowing the field for their boss, The Editor. Getting it by him is the first, and highest, huddle.
However, getting a rejection from the AE usually doesn't give much insight on why. As the AE of my non-existant fictional magazine, I'm going to give you an answer and why I made my desicion. I may be a bit easier than MR Adams, but hey it's my first publishing gig.
 

1 character development -- 3
2 plot -- 3
3 satisfactory ending -- 3
4 milieu -- 4
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 3 (it went way down once magic was introduced)
6 unique/never been done before -- 6
7 writing style -- 3
8 dialogue -- 3
9 action -- 5
10 understandable ("I get it") – 5

On a personal note, I like Justin. He has passion in his writing that shows promise. However, if I were the AE of a major publication I wouldn’t know that. So, I am going to stick to my guns and say what the AE would have felt.
This piece needs work. The opening had way too much back story to it. The dialog between the MC and the bad guy seemed a bit corny to me. Although the scenery sounded very interesting, it still felt murky. Then there was the sudden switch from Sci-Fi to fantasy. I first thought this was a story about a mad scientist. A sort of a future Island of Doctor Moreou with a twist of a crazied artist, type of story. Then the MC became a sorceress. If switching POV’s is a bad thing, switching genres is really bad.
So, if I were the AE of a major publication with 300 more submissions to get through, I would have probably rejected this before I finished the first scene. If I would have gotten through that, I would have set it down once magic was introduced (two-thirds of the way in).

 

1 character development -- 7
2 plot -- 7
3 satisfactory ending -- 6
4 milieu -- 7
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 6
6 unique/never been done before -- 7
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue -- 7
9 action – 7 (not a lot)
10 understandable ("I get it") – 7

Unique enough, but still a boy meets girl type of tale. The writing is top notch and it kept my interest throughout. The pace was quick but I didn’t find it very exciting. The biggest problem I saw was I pretty much knew how it was going to end up early in the story. The biggest plus is it is as good as anything you read in the major publications these days.
So, if I were an AE of a major publication with 300 more submissions to get through. I would have read the whole thing. Than sat and thought about it. The quality is there, but… I would have thrown up my hands and put it in the pile to have the editor look at it.

 

1 character development -- 7
2 plot -- 8
3 satisfactory ending -- 7
4 milieu -- 7
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 7
6 unique/never been done before – 8 (although it did remind me of the last Time Machine movie)
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue – 6 (not a lot of dialog to judge it on)
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") – 7

This one had a couple of things that had plausibility issues. A lot of things that gave it a telling vs showing feeling to it. Those issues could be overlooked. The setting and world disaster backdrop made this gripping. The telling of a small story in that setting made it top notch. It was easy following this little girl in that harsh world. Like finding a flower in a junk yard, beauty amidst ugliness. Very well done. The biggest issue (and the one that would have sunk it) is the sudden jump in time. We have a close 3rd person POV then suddenly its ten years later. Not good.
So if I were the AE of a major publication with 300 more submissions to get through. I would have felt strongly enough to request a rewrite. If the author would have sent me back the story with the issues I had with it cleared up, I would have sent it up with a recommendation that it to be published.

 

1 character development -- 8
2 plot -- 7
3 satisfactory ending -- 7
4 milieu -- 7
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 7
6 unique/never been done before -- 7
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue -- 8
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") – 7

Nice story. Just three characters and all done very well. I could clearly visualize the scene. Mr Mo Jo Rising was done very well. A+ for that. The biggest issue is it isn’t current. This is a story that is ten years old. Now perhaps you could modernize it by mentioning the Blink 182 disaster, then mention Kurt Cobain, which would lead to Jim Morrison. A minor change that could make all the difference.
So, If I were the AE of a major publication with 300 more submissions to get through, I would have read it and said too bad. I would have wrote you a note that said I liked it but rejected it because it wasn’t current.
But if you take my suggestion up above I would have sent it to the editor to make a decision.

 

1 character development -- 7 (The MC was a solid 8 but the rest brought it down a notch)
2 plot – 6 (a few plausibility isues)
3 satisfactory ending -- 6
4 milieu -- 6
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 6
6 unique/never been done before -- 7
7 writing style -- 7
8 dialogue -- 7
9 action -- 6
10 understandable ("I get it") – 7

A very good Sci-Fi story that had a unique angle that made it a very good hook, Jupiter crashing into the Earth. Many of the plausibility issues in the first 13 get dealt with later but others showed up. Kin thought of things that didn’t occur to me, such as Jupiter’s Van Allen belts killing all the people on earth before a collision, but missed others that bothered me. They could have been overlooked because of the strength of the story. A bigger angle was that unnecessary info-dump opening and the titles in place of scene breaks, they made had a way of telegraphing what was going to happen next.
So as the AE of a major publication with 300 more submissions to get through, I would have hemmed and hawed on what to do with this. I had more than a couple of issues with it but it was so damn entertaining. More than likely I would have rejected it as it is BUT I believe Kin has enough changes planned that it would be more likely that I would have passed it up to the editor with them.

 

1 character development -- 6 (The MC is a solid 8 but the others brought it down)
2 plot -- 6
3 satisfactory ending -- 6 (it would have been better if it would have ended in the desert)
4 milieu -- 6
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 7
6 unique/never been done before -- 7
7 writing style -- 6
8 dialogue -- 7
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") – 6

A few writing style issues that Allied Five is well aware of. Improving on that is part of the process. The plot was good enough and the lead character has some great possibilities. Over all I liked the story but it does have some holes in it. Personally, I would have preferred a bit more of a back story to this.
In short, if I were an AE of a major publication with 300 more submissions to get through, I would have most likely read the entire piece but probably rejected it.

 

1 character development -- 9
2 plot -- 8
3 satisfactory ending -- 7
4 milieu -- 8
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8
6 unique/never been done before -- 8
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue – 9 (humorous, at spots)
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") – 8

Great piece. Although it is short, I think it would have a shot at F&SF, considering they openly ask for Sci-Fi and humor (It’s got both). Despite it’s size it’s a complete tale with a nice ending that the reader doesn’t really expect. It’s the humor that really puts it over the top.
So, if I were an AE of a major publication (which I am not) with 300 more submissions to get through, I would have sent this one up to the boss with a strong recommendation that it get published.

 

"That's Friday," said Zac.
 

Anthony
 

Story overall: 7 In its current form, it might sell to certain markets, but I think with a little more work, you could aim higher.

Opening: I liked the opening, but now that I read the story, I think the story actually starts later, with the attack. The conversation introduces information that we don't really need at that point in the story

Story characteristics:

1 character development: Gripp and the prince are in the 7 to 8 range, but the villain (sorry, can't recall names) rates a 3 -- he need depth to be a worthy opponent to these interesting guys

2 plot: 9 interesting, grounded in the personalities. the story does a good job of challenging the characters

3 satisfactory ending 5 Gripp inheriting is fine, but switching scenes back to the castle really lets the emotional energy dissipate and generally ties things up in too neat a bow.

4 milieu 8 this is an interesting world. I love politics and intrigue in fantasy settings

5 willing suspension of disbelief 9 I believed the magic, probably due to the fine sense of detail and rules

6 unique/never been done before I don't feel qualified to judge, I read so little fantasy. It has a George Martin sort of feel, but not exactly or specifically. More like in that school. (which is a good thing, in my mind)

7 writing style 7 Generally very clear and readable, and some passages are excellent (I've sent comments to Evan) I think this piece would benefit by shortening to 5K words or less.

8 dialogue 8 Great, good ear

9 action 8 Clear and easy to picture.

10 understandable ("I get it") 9 no problems here

I have someone else's story -- I'll get some remarks up about it soon,

[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited October 28, 2008).]
 

Story overall -- 3
this is a wonderful, imaginative, well-written story, but I think you'll have to spend a lot of thought on editing. There is so much story, so much material, this could be a novel. It's a big story. So, on the plus side, you know exactly what your story is about and have great narrative skills, good dialogue, etc. But a modern short story needs to focus on conveying one emotion, one pivot point in a person's life. What specifically does Lynn want? What prevents her for having it? You've done a good job of putting her up a tree and throwing rocks, but the experience doesn't seem to test her in a real way. she doesn't solve a problem, really. she happens to see something. If that is the climax, it needs to happen at a dramatic peak in the story arc.

Story characteristics:

1 character development -- 7 Lynn is great. there are too many other many characters for a short story.
2 plot -- 9
3 satisfactory ending -- 8
4 milieu -- 7 the Florida town was very good
5 willing suspension of disbelief --7 I think working on the details of the emotional reality as opposed to the somewhat info dumpy facts would make this situation more believable
6 unique/never been done before -- 9 (but I don't read alot of science fiction)
7 writing style -- 7 My main issue with the writing was stuffing facts in, which was a function of squeezing this novel into a long short story.
8 dialogue -- 8
9 action -- 6 Very little action; Lynn observes, which is something of a problem for the story arc.
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 9

I feel like I'm being negative, but I totally relate to writing mega stories that want to be novels and struggling to find the right angle on material so that it actually is a short story as opposed to a novel summary. Keep working on this; it is a very cool idea.

[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited October 28, 2008).]
 

Story Overall: 3
I got no sense of the conflict. Obviously there was some terrible stuff happening here but the problem was that it was just happening to Estellia. Then she suddenly became awesome and was never challenged.

Story Characteristics: 5
The characters were okay but I really didn’t get a feel for the emotion of the girl. It seemed like she so readily accepted what was going on that the emotion was just gleaned over.

Plot: 3
As I noted above, there just wasn’t much of a story here.

Milieu: 6
The city was painted pretty well although I thought after finishing the story that the city was worse than I originally visualized. Perhaps a clearer picture could be painted.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 4
This is an urban fantasy so you can stretch things pretty far before belief goes out the window. My major beef though is that magic was too easy to come by for both of them. There seemed to be no cost.

Unique/Never been done: 7
I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m not very well read in urban fantasy though.

Writing Style: 6
The writing was pretty solid but could use some tightening. Check your adjectives and adverbs that end in ‘ly’.

Dialogue: 6
The dialogue was technically fine but I got the feeling of a monologue through most of what the bad guy was saying.

Action: 7
The action description didn’t catch my eye so it must have been good.

Understandable (I get it): 8
Nothing confusing here.

Average Score: 6
 

Story Characteristics: 6
There wasn’t a great deal of depth to the characters. Carter was a flighty musician and Abe was a stick in the mud trust-fund baby. Beyond these stereotypes I didn’t get much as to who they were.

Plot: 6
The story was entertaining though I didn’t really get a feel for a strong plot.

Milieu: 5
The cemetery was supposed to be a creepy scary place but I never really felt it. So strong descriptions coupled with more of how the characters felt in the setting might work.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 5
I found it a little far-fetched but of course there is nothing to say that entire thing hadn’t been a hallucination and that Abe simply knocked himself out and bloodied his nose instead of being dead or severely injured.

Unique/Never been done: 7
It’s new to me.

Writing Style: 7
The writing was solid. Nothing pulled me out of the story as I read.

Dialogue: 7
The dialogue seemed believable although the conversations with Jim were a little confusing at times.

Action: 6
There wasn’t a great deal of action here until the end. I had to reread the passage where Abe climbed up behind Carter to see how he got up there. Might think about making that clearer.

Understandable (I get it): 8
Yeah, I get it.

Average Score: 7
 

Story Overall: 6
I liked this piece but I had it all figured out by the second or third page. There wasn’t much mystery after that point although I did finish he story.

Story Characteristics: 7
I think the characters (Charles and Lena) where pretty well developed. You don’t say a great deal about them but their actions speak volumes about their relationship.

Plot: 6
This story had very little plot to speak of.

Milieu: 5
I wouldn’t have minded a better description of the house. What were their living standards? Was it an old house or a new one? As it was I visualized a pretty generic house that works fine for the story.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 5
It’s a ghost story. I don’t really believe in ghosts so this was tough to over look but other than that it was fine. Lena was an especially vitriolic ghost though.

Unique/Never been done: 5
This had a feeling much like Sixth Sense where a ghost doesn’t really get that they are dead. Lena was clearly suffering from multiple personality disorder which gives it a faint feeling of the ending of Fight Club. Not very unique but still done well, I think.

Writing Style: 8
The writing was tight and clear I had no qualms with it at all.

Dialogue: 7
The dialogue was fine though it was almost entirely Lena yelling. There were a couple passages that felt a little overwrought but otherwise it was good.

Action: 8
The action scenes were well done.

Understandable (I get it): 9
I get it.

I wasn’t entirely clear about who the PoV character was throughout. I believe it was Lena but there were a couple of points where the narrator talks about her ‘bitching’ and what not. It seems like Lena wouldn’t think she was bitching. Just an idea.

Average Score: 6
 

Story Overall: 8
I really enjoyed the story. It was simple and relatively upbeat but still had a very strong Sci-Fi feel to it.

Story Characteristics: 7
I got a much better feel for Eve (SpaceTart) than I did for the unnamed MC. I think it could use a little more about him(?).

Plot: 7
Maybe I don’t know the proper definition of the word plot but I find a great deal of short stories don’t seem to have what I would call plot. This is no exception. It’s no worse a story for it however.

Milieu: 6
Beyond the online forums and VR I don’t get a strong feel for the world as it exists in this story. Time period and technology seem to hint at near future but there is little to go on.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 9
No suspension of disbelief required, every fantastic element of this story is backed up by believable science. Well done.

Unique/Never been done: 8
I’ve never read anything like it.

Writing Style: 8
I thought the writing was supurb.

Dialogue: 7
The dialogue was technically fine. Nothing to complain about.

Action: 7
No action to speak of really.

Understandable (I get it): 9
Makes great sense to me.

Average Score: 8
 

Story Overall: 9
This was brilliant. I haven’t the gift for flash and I wish I did when I read something like this. Very well done.

Story Characteristics: 5
In flash it is very expensive to develop good characters but through well written dialogue you’ve manage to tell a lot about both the android as well as the owner.

Plot: 8
Not much of one, as expected in a flash story.

Milieu: 7
Not much is told about the shed but I think most readers will be able to come up with a believable shed without this. Might think about adding some basic descriptions.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 8
Robot technology is such that there really isn’t much suspension needed. We aren’t that far off from this now.

Unique/Never been done: 7
Androids have been done and done and done again. This is unique to me though. Like nothing I’ve read.

Writing Style: 8
The writing is great. Well done.

Dialogue: 9
The dialogue is very important to this story and I think you’ve done it justice.

Action: 7
There isn’t much action here except the owners fall. Which is described well.

Understandable (I get it): 9
Nothing confusing here.

This was the best piece I read this month. Very well done and I think very saleable. Good Luck!

Average Score: 9

 

Story Overall: 7

Character Development: 8 The main character was of course the most developed, and some fall into the background but with an ensemble cast thats inevitable.

Plot: 7-8 this one is hard to say...I only really have one main plausability issue (why didn't anyone notice Jupiter is still where its supposed to be) and the overall concepts were most intriguing

Satisfactory Ending: 6 personally I could have gone with more info here and less info about Jupiter in other parts possibly.

Suspension of Disbelief: 7 good overall except that one thing mentioned above.

Unique: 8 something like this probably has been done before but I thought the combination of elements was pretty original.

Writing Style: 8 very nice throughout, maybe just a little work on the info delivery

Dialogue: 8 very nice

Action: I'm not even going to grade this catagory cause I don't really feel it applies to this story.

Understandable: 8 I understood what was going on but i guess I just would have liked more information at the end as to the details.

Very interesting ideas here, lots of potential. Just a little polish I think is needed mostly just addressing the one plausability issue and the info delivery.
 

1 character development -- 2

By page 6 I still don't know what MC is a Doctor of, nor why a Colonel is interested in her. Hard to get engaged with a character one doesn't know.

Aliens need stronger motivation to do what seems an enormously expensive project.

MC and friends are largely passive in this story. They accomplish little, and there's nothing to root for.

2 plot -- 2

Too much fash-back in MC's mind, too infodumpy.
And, by page 6, I've not suspended disbelief on the basic premise, of Jupiter departing orbit--partly because the characters don't understand it either.

"They had been met by a delegation of bipedal aliens " -- we missed the story.

3 satisfactory ending -- 2
4 milieu -- 2
Present day, I guess
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 1
6 unique/never been done before -- 2
7 writing style -- 4

Use of past perfect tense instead of past ("She had resorted ...")
When MC sees what's happening and tells everyone, we get left out--witholding. That's when I started skimming.

8 dialogue -- 4
9 action -- 2
We missed the action
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 5

There could be some dramatic imagery here, with huge ships swallowing planets, but sorry, I didn't get past willing suspension of disbelief.

Story overall -- 2

Metal Fatigue

1 character development -- 7
2 plot -- 7
3 satisfactory ending -- 7
4 milieu -- 9
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 9
6 unique/never been done before -- 7
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue -- 8
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 9

An amusing little story, only slightly spoiled by the convenience of Snipe's accident. Great title. Robot stories are hard to do, I think, because they invite comparisons with Asimov; this one doesn't beg the comparison, which is clever--I think it's partly because the robot appears to have (rudimentary) feelings. I like the reference to Turing.

Story overall -- 8 - submit it

A Way Out/Music

1 character development -- 8
2 plot -- 7
3 satisfactory ending -- 8
4 milieu -- 8
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8
6 unique/never been done before -- 8
7 writing style -- 9
8 dialogue -- 9
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 8

I almost got it, certainly enjoyed it. The two characters seemed authentically young, very real. Or should that be, very surreal?

Story overall -- 8 - submit it

Pity for Lena

1 character development -- 2

I guess Lena's a potergeist. There's very little reaction between her and the other characters, except for the throwing of things, and the relationship with Charles and their kids--always nagging--too stereotypical to be interesting--some reason for her nagging would help, perhaps.

2 plot -- 2
3 satisfactory ending -- 2

It reads somewhat like a theory of why poltergeists exist.

4 milieu -- 2

Present day, one assumes

5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 4

Once I realized she's a poltergeist, I believed in the concept quite happily.

6 unique/never been done before -- 2

I'm not much of a fan of ghost stories but surely such exist with nagging wives haunting husbands?

7 writing style -- 3

It's very sequential--first this happens, then that. Needs some foreshadowing, some twists and turns--this interrelates with plot.

8 dialogue -- 5

9 action -- 5

10 understandable ("I get it") -- 8

Hmm, needs some work methinks.

Story overall -- 3

The Rink

1 character development -- 2

2 plot --

Why'd the moon shatter? How'd they manage to build a world underground?

This seems like a slice of life in a future world, missing the main story.

3 satisfactory ending -- 2
4 milieu -- 3
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 2

I believed the story while we were in the elevator, but lost it when the shattering of the moon was mentioned.

6 unique/never been done before -- 2

Cold dystopias have been written before, I think.

7 writing style -- 4
8 dialogue -- 2

There's hardly any.

9 action -- 3

10 understandable ("I get it") -- 4

There's a good concept here somewhere, if you can justify the cold world and the underground living. If you really want the slice of life thing, I'd recommend considering foreshadowing the ending with MC thinking from time to time about her own future and her daughter; maybe too, thinking about her skating during the elevator ride, her desire to do the three and a half turns, and why it matters so much.

Story overall -- 3

Estellia's Awakening

1 character development -- 7
2 plot -- 6
3 satisfactory ending -- 8
4 milieu -- 8
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8
6 unique/never been done before -- 8
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue -- 7

Seems to me they speak more correctly under duress than I'd expect.

9 action -- 8
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 9

It's well written with some dramatic imagery. Horror and torture aren't to my taste so I skimmed a lot of the middle bit. Normally, I'd have not read on; some hope or foreshadowing of her awakening might have helped me stick with it. With some work I imagine it would sell to one of the "darker" markets.

Hope this helps,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited October 31, 2008).]
 

"They think you're on medication," he said.

"I just had lots to do this month--tell 'em I'm sorry I was so late posting."

"Do you think everyone's done for this month?"

"Yeah, I think so. And, I thought it was a good month, some decent stories that people had obviously put much work into."

"I thought so too," said Zac. "Are you going to thank everyone for their participation?"

"Yes, let's do that ..."

"Thanks everyone for your participation this month," chorused Pat and Zac.
 

Thanks to everyone for your stories! It was great to receive your critiques and to learn from reviewing yours. Very worthwhile experience and good work.
 

Overall -- 7

Character Development -- 8
The title character is the most interesting of the two main characters although they each have goals and motivations that are easy to understand. Both grow more interesting as the story progresses.

Plot -- 7
The story does a good job of setting up an engaging arc and then gradually pulling back the curtain to reveal what is happening behind the scenes.

Satisfactory Ending -- 7
The story does a good job of delivering on its promise. The MC wants to know who this girl is and the more he delves into her existence the more strange and interesting she becomes. In the end, he finds out the answers and they settle into a relationship that's as close as it could be.

Milieu -- 8
Nothing spectacular but certainly suitable for the scope of the story.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 7
If I really thought about how accurate the science would need to be for a partially organic spaceship to travel and function, I'd probably find nits to pick; however, I didn't analyze the science part too much because the fiction part was so engaging.

Unique/ Never Been Done Before -- 7
Has some familiar elements contained within an original and entertaining world.

Writing Style -- 8
Instinctively, it feels like this author has written good stories before and can be trusted to deliver a good reading experience, which did turn out to be absolutely true. Nice work.

Dialogue -- 8
Overall solid. Sometimes a little flat when explaining the facts and some of the spoken phrases are worn -- more could be done to reveal the characters' personalities through more specific wording.

Action -- 8
Clean and spare but appropriate for the story.

Understandable -- 8
Had to re-read passages sometimes but ultimately very understandable and certainly publishable. Excellent work!
 

Overall -- 5

Character Development -- 4
I liked the character types but wanted to know why the antagonist became obsessed with the "art" he pursued besides just being insane (although that was fun). That would add some depth. The MC was sympathetic but happened to discover her talent at the most opportune moment. Other than having a desire to live in a place with trees, animals and clean air, there didn't seem to be any active effort to pursue magic on her part so that when it came to her, it felt contrived. I did root for her and wanted her to be victorious, however, and admired her for her choices at the climax.

Plot -- 5
The main idea was very engaging but again, the events came about to some degree because they needed to for the plot to function, as noted in the section above.

Satisfactory Ending -- 7
I liked the conclusion and how the MC used her powers to make something positive from the destructive villain.

Milieu -- 8
The story develops a very well-presented and believable world for the characters to exist in. The milieu feels cold and decaying and inhospitable and that gives the final scene a terrific contrast to play on. Well done.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 5
The setting made the story effective but I just had trouble getting past the coincidences of the plot.

Unique/ Never Been Done Before -- 5
Serviceable but not to far afield of other stories in the genre.

Writing Style -- 6
Certainly above average. Keep writing! Professionalism and polish will come with practice and that is true for everyone.

Dialogue -- 5
A little too much of the characters yelling or threatening each other with phrases that felt a bit trite. It sounds odd but the main character's thoughts and words apart from the scenes with the villain were more real, such as when she spoke to the dog. That's when I felt her relating better.

Action -- 6
A little predictable along the lines of the plotting but the descriptions and word choices were good.

Understandable -- 9
I "got it" and liked it for what it offered. I think this author's talent will grow with every new story.

 

Overall -- 7

Character Development -- 7
I liked how the MC was willing to sacrifice his most cherished wish to help his friend. He had the strength to realize what was truly important and that was what resonated with me. I don't know much about Jim Morrison, but he came across as a self-absorbed, tortured genius and worked as a character in his own right.

Plot -- 7
Even moreso than most, writers can identify with the desire to be acknowledged and remembered beyond the ends of their lives -- at least I can! So I was engaged in the doings of the characters and enjoyed the ride.

Satisfactory Ending -- 7
I didn't see the end from the beginning and since the resolution grew organically out of the characters' personalities it felt appropriate and consistent.

Milieu -- 8
The setting was well-described in the beginning and the author didn't belabor it. I thought it was an interesting place for a story and, even better, it was important to the plot.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 8
Since the characters were real and relatable it was easy to buy into what they were doing and why.

Unique/ Never Been Done Before -- 7
Good marks for originality as noted elsewhere.

Writing Style -- 7
The story flowed well and there weren't many things that interrupted my concentration. Good mechanics and nice word choices with appropriately used similes. Once more through the polisher maybe.

Dialogue -- 8
Good, realistic dialogue suited to the age and lifestyles of the characters.

Action -- 8
More of a character study but the action was aptly described where needed.

Understandable -- 9
Got it! Liked it!
 

Overall -- 8
Character Development -- 8
This was a bittersweet mood piece for me. I thought the characters were vivid and human as they did the best they could do to find meaning in a post-apocalyptic world.

Plot -- 8
This was clearly not a plot-driven story from the outset. However, the events of the story served the characters well and gave them opportunities to act together on a compelling stage.

Satisfactory Ending -- 7
The MC earned what she set out to acquire through her own actions, fulfilling the promise made to herself and the reader. The closing paragraph gives us a bright spark of hope that the characters will continue to make their way and move forward. Poignant and well-presented.

Milieu -- 9
My kind of place! Good descriptions and the right amount of telling details.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 8
I bought into it quickly and easily. I felt that the characters were experiencing this world and saw consistency in the main story and the background details.

Unique/ Never Been Done Before -- 8
Very much an original story with a nice voice to tell it.

Writing Style -- 8
Clear and detailed where appropriate without overburdening the story. The mechanics were good and the writing helped me to feel what the characters were feeling.

Dialogue -- 8
Not a lot of dialogue -- but not a lot was needed to tell the story. The characters spoke in a natural way when they needed to.

Action -- 6
The "staging" of the story was fine. The skating action felt real. The interwoven paragraphs of the turns in the air with the MC's thoughts pulled me out of the story though.

Understandable -- 9
Well-written and engaging. Fine job!

 

Overall - 6

Character Development - 6
The characters have reached the end of their abilities to grow, or even function adequately, which is kind of what the story is about. Lena's first act is her final act and in the aftermath she can only behave in the same dysfunctional way that marked the bitter end of her life. Her husband, at least, is motivated to take his existence in a different direction but he does so in such a numb fashion that I wondered if he had been equally resigned to his fate since his wedding day.

Plot - 6
There is only one layer to the story but the increasingly strident and demanding Lena makes for an interesting escalation of the arc. There were some good moments when she misinterpreted what was happening.

Satisfactory Ending - 7
When Lena finally shouts that she loves her husband and needs him, it's too late. I found that to be a suitable end and I couldn't help but wonder who the people on the street thought might be screaming or if they knew. The answer to the question doesn't need to be given -- it helps to carry the thoughts of the reader beyond the finale.

Milieu - 6
The domestic disaster of the family home doesn't need to be in the forefront. Enough details are given to give the story a stage and that was all that was needed.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief - 8
I accepted the premise and found it easy to roll with the chaotic train-wreck of the proceedings.

Unique - 6
The original aspects of the story, for me, came up in the sheer gusto and vehemence of Lena's spitefulness.

Writing Style - 7
The author has good writing instincts when it comes to putting words together in a compelling fashion. The style kept me reading.

Dialogue - 7
The speeches were suitably written for the characters. It was interesting to read a story where there are two one-sided conversations going on simultaneously.

Action - 8
The scene with Charles finding strength to move furniture by himself and the intimidated movers was funny. The story overall had a kind of kinetic inevitability that was written to keep the reader engaged.

Understandable - 9
Got it. I do feel that this has some unrealized potential because the author's skills come through in the action and style.

 

Overall -- 8

Character Development -- 8
This is Gripps's story from start to finish. I admired his honor and his resourcefulness as he struggled through the events taking place around him. The other characters are as well-rounded as they need to be in order to function and I think that they are sharply drawn without being cumbersome.

Plot -- 8
This is sort of a micro-epic, if such a thing can be. There are dark forces to defeat, a kingdom to save, and souls to be redeemed -- all of it transpires with aplomb. Escapes, heroism, betrayals and more give the plot impetus and it feels like something Dumas might have written if he had thought to include magic.

Satisfactory Ending -- 8
Everyone gets what they deserve -- good, evil and noble -- and not necessarily as expected.

Milieu -- 8
Nothing fancy but solidly realized and consistent with details that make the setting work within the boundaries of the work as a whole.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 9
I had no trouble getting into the story and accepting its magic and its people.

Unique/Never Been Done Before -- 7
A hero's tale without a doubt but all of its elements serve to make it convincing and fresh because the characters are deserving of our attention.

Writing Style -- 9
Barely a hiccup to catch the reader out of the story. Good mechanics, atmospheric, and engaging. Humorous at times and engaging throughout.

Dialogue -- 9
When it is required, and that's not too often, the dialogue is suited to the milieu and the characters. Some good turns of phrase let the speakers' personalities emerge and they all speak to their station and race appropriately. Feels medieval-ish without being overwrought.

Action -- 8
Solidly imagined and clearly described. The reader gets what is needed to follow the action and understand the characters' reactions.

Understandable -- 9
Got it from the opening and followed easily all the way through. Well done!

 

I didn't get to read this one. Based on the reviews given, I have a feeling that I've missed out! Hopefully, all will be well with skadder and his family soon. Best of luck to everyone in their ongoing endeavors.

Thanks to TaleSpinner for adminstrating this exercise.
 

Writing and thinking about writing is something that is keeping me sane at the moment.
 

Pat
 

and sorry to hear about your father, Skadder. You're correct in that writing can be good therapy right now. Take care of yourself; that's the best way to be there for others when you're needed.

(my dad is in the hospital after a fall -- he's 86 and getting a little wobbly-- this totally puts things in perspective for me)

[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited November 01, 2008).]