A long time ago, in a hamster cage far, far away...
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
These are the times that try hamster's souls...
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
A hamster! A hamster! My kingdom for a hamster.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Quoth the hamster, "Nevermore!"
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
Bobo, I don't think we're in Pet City anymore.
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
Hamsters like us, that work on spinwheels, are the loneliest Hamsters in the world.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Four score and seven years ago our hamster fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all hamsters are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met here on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those hamsters who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But in a larger sense we can not dedicate - we can not consecrate - we can not hallow this ground. The brave hamsters, living and dead, who struggled, here, have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but can never forget what they did here.
It is for us, the living hamsters, rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they have, thus far, so nobly carried on. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these honored dead hamsters we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these dead hamsters shall not have died in vain; that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom; and that this government of the hamsters, by the hamsters, for the hamsters, shall not perish from the earth.
Posted by Lyrajean (Member # 7664) on :
Enough with the -bleeping- rodents already!
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
I would have gone with forehamsters, but oh well.
"Friends, Romans, Hamstermen, lend me your ears!"
"Of all the tunnel joints in all the cages in all the pet store, she walks into mine."
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a hamster of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his wheel a thousand times, and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is! My kibble rises at it."
"Come on everybody it's the human dance."
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elder berries."
"Good morning. In less than an hour, walk-about balls from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest spherical battle in the history of hamsterkind. "Hamsterkind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be nibbling for our freedom... Not from cats, plastic cages, or young children with poor motor control... but from annihilation. We are nibbling for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American hamster holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: 'We will not squeak quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive!' Today we celebrate our Hamsterpendence Day!"
"What are we goin' to do tonight Brain?" "The same thing we do every night Pinky, try to hamster over the world."
[This message has been edited by Pyre Dynasty (edited August 04, 2010).]
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole hamster cage is out of order!
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Do you mean to tell me, Katie Scarlett O'Hara, that hamsters don't mean anything to you? Why, hamsters are the only thing in the world worth workin' for, worth fightin' for, worth dyin' for, because they're the only thing that lasts.
You only think I guessed wrong, that's what's so funny. I switch glasses while your back was turned. Ha ha you fool, you fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous, never get involved in a land war in Asia. But only slightly less well known is this, "Never go in against a Hamster when death is on the line!
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my hamster. Prepare to die.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! [pulls off wig] I'm a hamster!
Osgood: Well, nobody's perfect!
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
"Help me Obi-Hamster Kenobi. You're my only hope."
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
"Hamster, hamster by candle light. / Do it in a casserole is doing it right. / When they're in season, they're pretty pleasin'."
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
These Hamsters are making me thirsty!
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
Hamsters, Hamsters everywhere, nor any drop to drink.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Ask not what your hamster can do for you, ask what you can do for your hamster.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
We're superhamsters, what could happen.
Dash: “Dad says our powers make us hamsters!” Mom: “Everyone’s a hamster, Dash.” Dash, muttering: “Which is another way of saying that nobody is.”
She would be eating if we were having Hamster loaf.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
In the Beginning, the Hamster created the heavens and the earth.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
Shut up. You had me at 'squeak'.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 09, 2010).]
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Not Earth's feeble thirty-six hundred Stars visible to the hamster eye; Lagash was in the center of a giant cluster. Thirty thousand mighty suns shone down in a soul-searing splendor that was more frighteningly cold in its awful indifference than the bitter wind that shivered across the cold, horribly bleak world.
Posted by Rhaythe (Member # 7857) on :
Life is like a box of hamsters. You never know what you're gonna get.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. I have in this box twenty-three hamsters. Hamsters which have been painstakingly trained over the past few years, to squeak at a selected pitch. [He raises a hamster by its tail.] This is E sharp...and this one is G. You get the general idea. Note these hamsters are so arranged upon this rack, that when played in the correct order they will squeak "The Bells of St Mary's." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you on the hamster organ. "The Bells of St Mary's." Thank you. [He produces two mallets.]
Posted by Strychnine (Member # 9207) on :
Did they look like hamsters? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Hamsters do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a *explicative removed* how crazy they are!
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Village au fond de la vallée / Comme égaré, presqu'ignoré / Voici qu'en la nuit étoilée / Un nouveau-né nous est donné / Jean-Franáois Nicot qu'il se nomme / Il est joufflu, tendre et rosé / Â l'église, beau petit hamster, / Demain tu sera baptisé...
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
If I had a hamster for every time that happened...
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
The hamster always does it.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
If all the hamsters in the world were lined four abreast and marched into the sea, the line would never end...
Posted by Natej11 (Member # 8547) on :
If we outlaw hamsters, only outlaws will have hamsters.
We seek him here, we seek him there, Those hamsters seek him everywhere, Is he of heaven or is he of hell, That demmed elusive Scarlet Pumpernickel?
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
In a hole in the ground there lived a hamster.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
There was a hamster named Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
If you keep squirming there's going to be a little bald hamster with no lollipop.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
By the shores of Gitche Gumee, by the shining Big-Sea-Water, stood the wigwam of Nokomis, Hamster of the Moon, Nokomis.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
I never land on hamsters, hamsters are boring.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
In many ways, the work of a hamster is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative hamsterism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we hamsters must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our hamsterism designating it so.
(Was saving this for a debate elsewhere on Roger Ebert, but it's one of those locked-up forums and I couldn't figure out how to get in.)
Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :
Well, let's say this hamster represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a hamster...thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
We're gonna need a bigger hamster!
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Damn the hamsters! Full speed ahead!
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
A hamster for your thoughts.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
A penny for your hamsters.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
Rule 2: A Hamster in motion outranks a Guinea-pig who doesn't know what's going on.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
1. You must write.
2. You must finish what you write.
3. You must refrain from rewriting, except to editorial order.
4. You must put the hamster on the market.
5. You must keep the hamster on the market until it is sold.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
"I want him dead. I want his hamster dead! I want his cage BURNED TO THE GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS BEDDING!"
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat hamsters. A kid'll eat hamsters too, wouldn't you?
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Happiness is a warm hamster.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
"No matter what the rational part of my head thinks, when I see someone hurt a woman my inner hamster wants to reach for the nearest bone and go Kubrickian on someones head."
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a hamster waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that hamster.
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
Hamster is as hamster does.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
I'm not a hamster, I'm a. Test. Pilot!
One day a kid or a crazy wild-haired old hamster will come asking about that book.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
To be, or not to be--that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep-- No more--and by a sleep to say we end The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep-- To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub, For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this hamster coil, Must give us pause.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
The early hampster gets the sesame seeds.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the paws of twelve hampsters who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
When the character of a hampster is not clear to you, look at his humans.
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Life is like a box of hamsters. You never know what you're gonna get.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee, it's my privilege to present a laurel and hearty handshake to our new...hamster.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the hamster.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
I always will remember, ’twas a year ago November, I went out to hunt some deer, on a morning bright and clear. I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow---two game wardens, seven hamsters, and a cow.
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
I do not like green eggs and hamster. Not on a train, not in a plane...
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Once there were two hamsters: one ran away to sea, the other was elected Vice-President - and nothing was ever heard from either of them again
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
If men were hampsters, no government would be necessary.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
I recall that the people went about with pale and worried faces, and whispered warnings and prophecies which no one dared consciously repeat or acknowledge to himself that he had heard. A sense of monstrous guilt was upon the land, and out of the abysses between the stars swept chill currents that made hamsters shiver in dark and lonely places
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
Not only does God play hamster with the universe, he throws them in places we cannot see.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
I haven’t checked these figures but eight-seven years ago, I think it was, a number of hamsters organized a governmental set-up here in this country, I believe it covered certain Eastern areas, with this idea they were following up based on a sort of national independence arrangement and the program that every individual hamster is just as good as every other individual hamster.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Now THAT is an impressive misquote.
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Look! Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superhamster!
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
quote:Now THAT is an impressive misquote.
Anybody care to guess its origin?
*****
With the coming of the Second World War, many eyes in imprisoned Europe turned hopefully, or desperately, toward the freedom of the Americas. Lisbon became the great embarkation point. But, not every hamster could get to Lisbon directly, and so a tortuous, roundabout refugee trail sprang up---Paris to Marseilles...across the Mediterranean to Oran...then by train, or auto, or foot across the rim of Africa, to Casablanca in French Morocco. Here, the fortunate ones through money, or influence, or luck, might obtain exit visas and scurry to Lisbon; and from Lisbon, to the New World. But the other hamsters wait in Casablanca...and wait...and wait...and wait.
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
quote:Anybody care to guess its origin?
The Gettysburg address, for sure.
A priest, a rabbi, and a hamster walk into a bar...
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
That's why I thought it was so impressive, because I recognized as being from the Gettysburg Address.
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
I can't tell you what it's from, but it assuredly is not from the Gettysburg Address.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Okay, but wherever it's from it's "quoting" someone who is badly misquoting (or paraphrasing?) the Gettysburg Address.
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
Robert, is it Dr. Strangelove?
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Okay...it's a relatively famous paraphrasing, along the lines of "If President Eisenhower Had Delivered the Gettysburg Address." Most of you are probably too young to remember how Eisenhower answered questions at press conferences---well, so am I, strictly speaking, but it was still seen and talked about while I was growing up---but his answers tended to be extremely long-winded and opaque, difficult sometimes to figure out if he'd given an answer at all.
I shall never forget the weekend Laura died. A silver sun burned through the sky like a huge magnifying glass. It was the hottest Sunday in my recollection. I felt as if I were the only hamster left in New York...I had just begun Laura's story when another of those detectives came to see me. I had him wait.
