One book in particular has returned so persistently for so long I figured I'll just finish that first IF IT KILLS me, then go on to the next one which has been waiting a bit longer but is a bit more difficult in some ways, and so on.

So, for me, its about identifying the problem, for instance, this important character is not working out the way I want him to. How do I change that?

Writing stories is a bit like a marriage, the ones that work are the ones where you learn how to solve the inevitable problems instead of tossing your hands in the air. It can't all be fun stuff.

{mental note... fix busted window this weekend and stay friends with Tina. }

"Juggling." Think of your stories as balls in the air, where you toss (work on) one, then another, then another. Then sometimes you drop one...

I'm fond of a stovetop metaphor---when I stop working on something for a long period of time, I'll refer to it as being "on the back burner." Sometimes I'll get back to it---a novel I've worked on for, oh, fifteen years now (my God!) flared up for a month or so earlier this year. Sometimes not.

I always felt that God put me on this earth to be a devastatingly great writer, and if I didn't succeed in good enough time He was going to see to it that I suffered a hideous demise. One time I really thought my time was up and God was coming to collect me. I found a suspicious lump and thought, that's it. God must have decided I hadn't produced the Great American Novel in good enough time and was cashing in my chips! I just KNEW I had cancer and was dying, I only made a doctor's appointment to confirm it. Before I could get to the doctor, everybody fell apart because Princess Diana died--older than me by less than a year. I thought, gee, why did she die? Everyone liked her and she had everything to live for. Why am I still alive? Then I went to the doctor's appointment and my "cancer" was only a benign cyst. Still here, *sigh.* (Which is scary because writing the Great American Novel doesn't necessarily provide any special protection.)

I've learned a lot more from things I don't consider my "job." For instance, the first time anyone was critical of my photography, I decided, that's it, writing is going to be my job, and photography is only a hobby. After that I never pressured myself again about photography, had a really good time with it, if I screwed up and ruined a whole roll of film just walk away from it, and learned as much or more from my failures as my triumphs. My friends love my work, it makes me very popular and gets me invited places.

Last year (after years of people wondering when I'd get a video camera) I added that. I am currently going through the editing project FROM HELL http://www.hatrack.com/cgi-bin/ubbmain/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=041894;p=0&r=nfx and learning greatly from it. A number of people have suggested I drop more cash ($300-$1,200) on a decent editing program, which I refuse to do, as I've shelled out what looks to me like megabucks on what I consider "just a hobby." As someone pointed out, I have all this high tech equipment with the Mickey Mouse editing program which came with my computer when it was made several years ago. Later I will upgrade to a point, but not now as I'm nearly done editing (really, I am) and don't want to risk screwing anything up!

One of the things that worried me is I would have this great vision for a finished product, which something, not necessarily my own fault, would delay. (So far, true in this case. The latest glitch is some bug in the program. I followed instructions and it took me the longest to even figure out what it did and that it can't be undone.) Then people would get all antsy and collectively put the royal screws on me to just throw together a substandard product. Then people would think the resultant substandard product was what took me so long to do, and how could I be such an idiot as to take so long doing a thing like that? You can imagine how upsetting this would be when applied to books WHICH WILL HAVE MY NAME ON THEM IN PRINT FOREVER and be my legacy to this world when I am no more.

Well, from this woman going all psycho on me, I've learned I can stick to a project even under outside pressure, and that outside pressure is not as bad as it appears. Quite the opposite of joining her, my real friends are laughing at her for being like that! I've learned patience and perserverance in less than ideal circumstances. I mean, think, if I'd just bought the good editing program in the first place I probably could have thrown something together really fast and then felt pressured to always be quick and perfect, whereas now I've learned to see through things important to me despite obstacles. I struggled over this seemingly incurable glitch for several days, losing sleep over it, but found a way around it so I can continue with the project. So think how well I can do with a good editing program!

I'm not desperate to leave or anything. I mean, there's times of most days when I'm not desperate to leave...which could include any particular moment in which you happen to be reading this post. It doesn't include the moment in which I'm writing the post, because when I wrote "desperate" I suddenly felt the desperation that I usually try to suppress.

My way of looking at it is this: I don't necessarily not want to leave because I enjoy my life so much. (Come on! I'm not insane either.) I want to stay because as a rationale for my joke of an existence I've created this construct that I have Very Great Work to finish and I can't leave until my writing is done. Now, if I can't do it, or I do it and it's not a success even after my death, and I'm going to die a nobody anyway and remain a nobody after death, I'd just as soon go now when I'm relatively young, healthy, and happy, as later when I'm old, strung-out, and miserable. I hope it won't come to that...I just acknowledge right now that the prospect doesn't look all that good.