Anyway, I think I've finally come up with something worth posting. Here's the first thirteen lines. Do your worst to make me my best.

“What’s your name?” Sola asked the boy sitting on the swing.

He looked up at her, “Who wants ta know?”

“I’m Sola – I mean I am The-One-Who-is-Half. You and I have a task to do. Now, what is your name?” She took a step forward and squatted down in front of the child. The more he told her about himself the better chance she had of finding him again.

“Papa told me never to tell my name to no strangers, so there,” he stuck his tongue out and blew spit on her face.

Sola couldn’t understand the child’s opposition. She had made countless attempts to find him and failed, but this time he had called to her. She had flung her consciousness backwards through time itself to heed that call and now he sat on that infernal toy being obstinate. They did not have time for this.

They had a universe to destroy.

How long is it? Are you looking for readers on the rest?

I'm usually willing to do around 3000 words. Give or take. Send it if you want to.

quote:

---

The more he told her about himself the better chance she had of finding him again.

---

I have to say, though, that this line threw me. I couldn't figure out what it meant. Hadn't she just found him? Why would she need to find him again? Wait for this until you can take the time to explain it. And this point, IMO, is not the time.

I'd also kinda like to have some hint of HOW he called her.

The only problem that I have with it is the last line is that the last line is a real cliffhanger, and makes it seem like some sort of blurb on the back of the book.

He looked up at her, “Who wants ta know [HOW ELSE WOULD YOU PRONOUNCE "TO KNOW"? I'D GO WITH STANDARD SPELLING]?”

“I’m Sola – I mean I am The-One-Who-is-Half. You and I have a task to do. Now, what is your name?” She took a step forward and squatted down in front of the child. The more he told her about himself the better chance she had of finding him again. [GOOD HOOK.]

“Papa told me never to tell my name to no strangers, so there,” he stuck his tongue out and blew spit on her face. [SEE STRUNK AND WHITE ONLINE FOR DETAILS ON WHERE TO USE COMMAS. I AGREE: THIS KID'S A BRAT AND I WANT HIM SWATTED.]

Sola couldn’t understand the child’s opposition. She had made countless attempts to find him and failed, but this time he had called to her. She had flung her consciousness backwards through time itself to heed that call and now he sat on that infernal toy being obstinate. They did not have time for this.

For WBriggs: Glad you liked my changes. Your previous comments helped out alot.

If you're doing something where he's locked himself in a delusion or something like that, this opening might be cheating a bit. Only a bit so far, though. And I don't really think you're doing that anyway.

“What’s your name?” Sola asked the boy sitting on the swing. The child was only a subconscious figment of the man’s mind she had entered, but would hopefully serve as an important messenger between them.

He looked up at her, “Who wants to know?”

“I’m Sola – I mean I am The-One-Who-is-Half. You and I have a task to do. Now, what is your name?” She took a step forward and squatted down on the sand in front of the child. She needed to build a relationship with his subconscious and names seemed like a good place to start.

“Papa told me never to tell my name to no strangers. So there,” he stuck his tongue out and blew spit on her face. Sola couldn’t understand the child’s obstinacy. She had flung her consciousness backwards through time itself because he had finally called to her in a dream. They did not have time for spats.

You've increased the clarity...but you're now further away from Sola and the boy on the swing. Hmmm...

This is why I always advise against opening with a line of dialogue. Opening with dialogue assumes that nothing else needs to be mentioned first, and for some reason that's almost never the case when someone opens with a line of dialogue.

In this case, we need to know that Sola knows she's in a dream and that she knows that the child is not the actual person she's come there to see. You patch that information in after she says the line, so it takes place in the wrong context.

It also puts you on the "defensive" to be coming up with explanations for a character's actions after they do things. It's anti-climactic. Normally, you want the reader to be wondering how the character will respond to a situation, then deliver the response. In this case, you deliver the response, then explain that it was in response to a situation that we wouldn't normally guess at.

Worse, your clarifications calls the "hook" line into real confusion. Before, we were encouraged to wonder what that might mean. Now...it feels more like "so which does it mean?" That's just me.

I suppose that I felt like the previous version had a somewhat confident coyness to it (which, though we all hate to admit it, does work sometimes). This version has lost the confident feeling and thus seems genuinely confused rather than coy.