There she was again—the girl in the white gown. Three times this week she stalked my dreams never saying anything, just looming around in the background, flickering in and out of focus. I wondered when she would have the courage to talk to me.
“Rachel, are you up?”
“Yes, mother.” I shouted back shattering any remnants of silence still lingering from the night before. I rolled to my side, rubbing my temples. Tension between two extremes battled inside my head. Somewhere, a door was about to be opened, evil was rising, and something about this girl was going to be at the heart of it.

I don't think the tone is quite right for a short story -- I don't think it usually works to foreshadow a short story with quite so much self-awareness, if that makes sense. It doesn't seem to fit into the right kind of structure.

I'm *not* actually sure what this is, but I'll tell you right off the bat that if this was the opening of a YA novel, and I was in the right mood, I'd buy the book.

If I came across this somewhere where I was expecting a *serious* story (whatever my preconceived notions of that might be) I probably would not keep reading.

'This is for kids,' I'd say to myself. 'It hits all the wrong notes; Dream? Wakes up? What? No.'

So context is the thing.

It really does seem very well-written to me, though. So it gets a tentative "good work," from me.

I just have 2 suggestions:

Until I heard "Rachel," I assumed MC was male. You can fix this ambiguity very easily I think. "She looked like me" or "I wish I could be that ____" or something involving comparison of MC to the girl.

I'm not fond of characters knowing abstractions without having perceived things to make them deduce it. For example, I don't want MC to think there is danger, unless she used some sense to determine this (intuition included). Your MC knows that "a door was about to be opened, evil was rising, and something about this girl was going to be at the heart of it." This reminds me I'm in a book, because real people can't know such complicated things without having a *reason* to know it. It feels like a poorly disguised comment from author to reader about what to expect.

For wbriggs:

quote:

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This reminds me I'm in a book, because real people can't know such complicated things without having a *reason* to know it. It feels like a poorly disguised comment from author to reader about what to expect.

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quote:

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new urban fantasy genre

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Also, the last two lines in paragraph two seem to be written by a different person. If they are needed at this point, perhaps you might try incorporating them into what your MC is feeling?

I am interested in learning about the dream-girl. It would keep me reading.

She was there again last night—the girl in the white gown. Three times this week she stalked my dreams never saying anything, just looming in the background, flickering in and out of focus. I wondered when she would have the courage to talk to me.

“Rachel, are you up?”

“Yes, mother.” I shouted back shattering any remnants of silence still lingering from the night before. I rolled to my side, rubbing my temples. Tension between two extremes battled inside my head. Something was unraveling, and this girl was at the heart of it.
*************
I posted the rest of this chapter on my blog. I would be honored if anyone wanted to give it a quick read over and offer up suggestions on improvement. Always willing to recipicate.

From the "Yes, mother" line I get the sense of irritation. I think most teens will get the same thing.

What bothers me is that last line, about something unraveling...how does Rachel know this? Is she psychic? Are these dreams premonitions, or what? It's interesting, I'd read on for sure, but I'd definitely raise an eyebrow upon reading that line for the first time.

And if you must put your stuff up online, put it on a password-protected site and only give the password out to your critiquers through email.

How does one stalk a dream?