I massaged my temples. I needed a plan. It takes around 45 minutes for blood to stop draining out of a body. Twenty minutes had passed since stringing her up. I couldn't move her.

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I'm actually stuck on this one. I figured getting input on what I have so far would somehow strike something in me and cause me to finish it...

[This message has been edited by Red Grant (edited October 29, 2009).]

I often find that if I get stuck on a story, there's usually something wrong with it beyond simple writer's block. If I'm no longer enjoying writing it, chances are it won't work for the reader either.

Anyway, the following is my opinion (of course).

While I'm obviously restricted by only seeing your first 13, I'll hazard a guess; you may no longer either like, or be interested in, your protagonist.

From the looks of things, he may not be likeable. You can write a good story with a dislikeable protagonist, but they do have to be very interesting to overcome their dislikeability.

For me, a likeable or interesting protagonist is important in a thriller, because otherwise I'm not going to care if they're put in danger. What's implied in the 1st 13 is that he's killed a woman, they habitually have loud arguments and he feels no remorse about it. He's done it before and his only concern is his own skin. Obviously, there's plenty of room to reverse expectations after the 1st 13.

On the upside, this is a good starting point. There's natural curiosity about what has happened and the writing is clear (although the bit "there was a crash" is confusing for a moment).

For a first person POV (where you want protagonist intimacy), you could do without the distancing phrase "I could see..." instead of direct description. You also don't name the victim when your POV protagonist presumably knows who she is and would think of her by name. If it's a purposeful device to indicate his callousness, then it reinforces his dislikeable nature.

Anyway, I think it's a solid start, but it has its risks. There have been great crime stories with dislikeable protagonists, but they have always been interesting (which is hard to do). Good luck with it.

Regards,

Nick

I could see flashing blue lights through cracks in the blinds. Fairly weak for a first sentence. This would be much more vivid if you showed us this rather than just tell us your protaganist sees it.

I refused to panic even though I could still hear blood tapping against the bathtub sides. Again, you're telling us what the protag can hear rather than really making the reader feel it. Also, I'm not sure I understand the second part of that sentence. Why would the sound of the blood make it more difficult to remain calm. He's killed somebody, strung them up over a bath, so would the dripping of blood make it so much more diffucult to remain calm after all that?

I wasn't sure what tipped them off. who does this "them" refer to? The cops? But then wouldn't it be a neighbour who tipped them off, rather than a mirror breaking?

That never happened before. What never happened before? Arguing? I'd like a little more scene setting here--develop this thought rather than mention the mirror, maybe.

1. Telling when showing is more appropriate, yadda yadda. monstewer got that mostly down.

2. "Was it the arguing? That never happened before. There was a crash. The mirror in my bedroom shattered, but the sound couldn't have been that loud." This line is a bit indefinite, a little bit loose in its meanings. It took me a couple slower read-throughs to fully parse what was going on here. Focus on the meanings of the words and phrases you're choosing.

3. Character-wise, I feel no sympathy for your protagonist. It is difficult you get involved in a story when you can not sympathize with the main character. This is perhaps a case of starting at the wrong point in the story - anywhere from 30 seconds to 15 minutes too late. I want to start to have an inkling as to why he killed this woman before I can start to appreciate the apprehension he's experiencing.

4. Too many uses of the word "I". Someone more technically versed than I could provide a sound grammatical explanation for what's being done here, but I'd prefer a different approach to the narration. Maybe get deeper into the character's POV, show some more action rather than tell it, and use your words to impart some of the tension your character is feeling.

I feel like such a hack giving advice/critiques, but there it is.

Here's my overall nit: it feels like you are trying to build up some serious suspense - and that's cool - but I'm not really feeling it. The short sentences feel choppy instead of thrilling.

There's also a LOT going on; dead lady in the tub, broken mirror (I still don't get what happened there), cops. Maybe it would be better to start about 20 minutes before this scene, just before all the crazy stuff happens. You could start the story out rather casually and build into the body in the bathroom instead of trying to push it in there in the first thirteen.

Writing a paragraph fast-action/suspense is not easy. I would suggest doing a bit of research, maybe check out some thriller books and see how they do a good build up.

What does the main character try next?

Like Monstewer, I feel you could let us see through the characters eyes a little bit better. I also feel that the blood tapping making the character nervous is a bit odd.

One thing I disagree with, as far as the others go, is the unlikeable protagonist thing. Perhaps this is just because I've read your writing before, and understand the types of characters you tend to write about. I'm not worried about it, because you pulled the good-but-bad protagonist off very well in your last story.

All-in-all, an interesting start that could definitely be expanded into a great story.