Edit: Added a second version.

Version One

Cheynik drank the last of the whiskey from his flask, and set his brothers insignia against the newly carved gravestone. He slammed his sword into the ground, and wiped the liquor from his graying beard.

“It should be me in there, brother,” he said, choking back a cry.

His eyes wandered the sky: The world was bathed in orange, and the winds carried flakes of ash through the air like dying snowflakes. He palmed the last three shotgun shells in his pocket.

“I’ll take care of them,” he said, “I’ll get Jacob back.”

Version Two

Cheynik drank the last of the whiskey from his flask and set his brothers medallion against the new gravestone. He slammed his sword in the ground, and wiped the liquor from his graying beard.

“It should’ve been me, brother,” he said.

The world was bathed in orange and the winds carried flakes of ash through the air like dying snowflakes; a black sandstorm was coming. He palmed the last three shotgun shells in his pocket.

“I’ll bring Jacob back,” he said.

quote:

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Cheynik drank the last of the whiskey from his flask[,delete comma.] and set his brother[']s insignia [Do you mean signet ring? And, what is the insignia?] against the new[ly carved<--IMHO - cut.] gravestone. He slammed his sword in[to<--IMHO - cut.] the ground[,<--IMHO - Lose the comma.] and wiped the liquor from his [graying<--[PoV? He could know it, but would he be thinking it?] beard.

“It should be me [in there,<--This thought is cliche enough without the couple of extraneous words.] brother,” he said, choking back a [cry<--This has many ways of being used, and to leave it like this is very ambiguous, maybe: sob or scream].

[His eyes wandered the sky:<--[Cut. Cliche and it adds nothing.] The world was bathed in orange, and the winds carried flakes of ash through the air like [dying<--[As opposed to? I suggest cutting this, too.] snowflakes. He palmed the last three shotgun shells in his pocket.

[“I’ll take care of them,”<--IMHO - this sounds like it's trying to hook. There is a better one without it:] He said, “I’ll get Jacob back.”

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The sword and shotgun shells are a hook. They also hint at more than just Western. Unfortunately, there is no sign of magic, which means there's no speculative element.

Swords were used in the cavalry up to WWI, and still can be found on commanders and in dress uniforms today, so the story isn't dated by the opening. However, because there's shotgun shells, I wouldn't put it further in the past than 1850. Even that is a push.

We don't even know how big the tombstone is, or what it looks like, so we cannot assume the Protagonist has any money.

We can't assume he's African American, Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, Indian or Indonesian.

I hope this helps.

I agree with IB about the speculative element. There is nothing in your posting that indicates sci-fi, other than the fact that you say it is. It's important to set expectations early on in a short, and a speculative fiction can be a real pain because you have less time to show your world is different. Maybe you mean the orange sky to indicate this, or maybe it's just a sunset - I can't tell.

I was confused by "choking back a cry"- like IB said, either sob or scream would be clearer.

Also, the last line:

quote:

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“I’ll take care of them,” he said, “I’ll get Jacob back.”

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I've edited it a bit, and posted a second version up top. I tried to add a little bit more of a hint that it's speculative, a la the black sandstorm.

Let me know if the newer version is better, and if you feel the sandstorm element works.