The retired champion was in the back of his bar when he heard a noise. He looked up at the security monitor.

In front of the counter stood a man in a trenchcoat. On the counter sat an open briefcase full of cash. Next to the briefcase lay a piece of paper and a pen.

"I've had enough of these guys," he growled under his breath as he bolted to the front of the bar.

"The answer is no," Sam declared without inquiring about identity or details.

"You haven't even read the contract," the boxing promoter said,

Looking for feedback about the intro chapter and the synopsis.

Carl Slaughter
moreheadalumni @ yahoo.com

[This message has been edited by adamatom (edited November 03, 2009).]

Well we have a limit on the amount of text we can post...13 lines it is the law of the land.

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000001.html

this link will get you started, but there is alot you should read before you decide to post. In the read here first section of the forum.

Also this, I take, is a novel and would go in the Fragments and Feedback for Novels section. This place here is for short stories.

But welcome aboard see you around. You might as well go back and edit your post before the Sheriff KDW comes along and strings you up. Well, she might not string you up, she is gettin mighty benevolent in her old age

quote:

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Sam Boulder entertained no fantasies about a comeback. Other people, however, longed for him to return to the ring. Lots of people.
The retired champion was in the back of his bar when he heard a noise. He looked up at the security monitor.

---

Wrong spot to start, IMO. The first paragraph is a too telling. The two paragraphs should be blended and the info in the first paragraph should be worked in more subtly. Also

when he heard a noise.

Needs more detail. What was the noise he heard? Door slamming? Briefcase opening? Gunshot to get the owners attention?

quote:

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In front of the counter stood a man in a trenchcoat. On the counter sat an open briefcase full of cash. Next to the briefcase lay a piece of paper and a pen.

---

Okay but consider a reworking and rearranging. Something like...

A man in a trenchcoat stood with an open briefcase full of twenties and a piece of paper and pen sitting next to it on the surface of the bar.

The rest is fine but I stress again teh info-dumpish opening should go and be worked in as the story progresses.

So I'll just close this instead of moving it.