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“Moloki feel heavy” the digital voice came from the transvocalizer implanted within the bonobo’s throat. Unaccustomed to the gravity of Earth, Moloki now seemed more at ease walking on all fours.
“Yes, Moloki, I too feel heavy.” The boy prince, Samouri, wished that he could do more to ease his nervous childhood companion. But, he too felt axious, having never before set foot on Earth. Awestruck by the beauty, and coping with gravity 72% stronger than that on Mars, he was experiencing something teetering between nausea and euphoria.
“Welcome to Earth, your majesty. Although the air quality of Earth has improved exponentially over the past few decades, I would still like to offer you a respirator. Would

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or

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The view of Earth was wondrous. Prince Samouri had spent most of the three days since they had arrived on the moon watching from a window, wondering what it would be like to finally step foot on the planet where the humans his race had evolved from evolved.Yet, he also spent considerable time longing into the darkness of space through a telescope for his home. Though it was not so much Mars that he longed after but his twin. For the first time since their birth they had been separated to a degree in which there telekinetic bond would not reach. For this reason he was even more thankful that Moloki was with him.
“Moloki hungry,” the synthesized voice came from the transvocalizer implanted in the Bonobo’s throat. “Moloki want figs. Moloki want celery”. Still accustomed to sign language,

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[This message has been edited by a crazy voodoo witch doctor(edited November 06, 2009).]

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humans his race had evolved from evolved

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evolved.Yet – needs a space or two

had evolved from evolved – ummm, I believe you either need a comma setting off the second “evolved” or an awkward second had as in -- had evolved from had evolved. Better yet, find a better way to say this.

longing into the darkness of space through a telescope for his home – yeah, a bit awkward. Would be better rephrased.

there telekinetic – wrong word. Use their telepathic.

Hmmm, you know, you could move that second sentence of M’s into the whole explanation paragraph after S’s reply. That would make the exchange read cleaner.

gravity 72% stronger -- still bothers me. I’m trying to figure out what that feels like. If you just said Earth’s heavier gravity, it might be better. That and the euphoria and nausea and the reader will accept that without trying to break off and contemplate 72%.

If it has -- “air quality of Earth has improved exponentially over the past few decades” – do you know what exponentially means? I think you’re overstating this especially if it STILL needs a respirator. On the other hand, what’s the air on Mars like? He might need something because of that difference.

On to #2

He spent MOST of three days and yet had also spent considerable time – I guess he could but it just doesn’t add up too well. Also, that second sentence is way too long.

Now this is harder for me to defend but that entire first paragraph is too full of different topics any one of which could be expanded on. You are trying to cram everything in and as a result, making nothing memorable.

Wonderous view of Earth
Arriving on the moon (Mars has two moons itself, wouldn’t he refer to it as Luna?)
Wondering about setting foot on the Earth
Longing for home through a telescope (unless he’s got a big, big one, there is not going to be all that much to see)
His telepathic twin
And, finally, his bonobo

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 06, 2009).]

Added later. If he is on the side of the moon where he can SEE the Earth, what are the chances Mars is visible, too? Only three days, remember?

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gravity 72% stronger than that on Mars – that seems wrong. Are you certain?

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No it is not. I believe BT may have got that from subtracting the figure of Mars' 38% of Earth's gravity (still a mathematical error). Reversing that means that Earth's gravity is 263% of Mars'. In relation to our planet, that would mean a 150 pound man would weigh 395 pounds in a similiar gravity well.

Sorry, the prince's bones would snap and would likely die shortly after landing.

The main problem I'm having with it is that I have no idea what a bonobo is. An animal I've never heard of? Some genetically engineered critter? A robot? Moloki is the first character to speak, Samouri interacts with it, but there is no clue what it/he/she is. This:
1. Distracts me from the story while trying to figure it out.
2. Results in my brain constructing something to fill the void (in this case, a little silver TOBY robot), and when you finally reveal what a bonobo is, my brain will go through whiplash reconstructing the scene with the proper critter.

The "he too felt anxious" right after the "I too feel heavy" stuck out to me for some reason I can't quite figure out yet.

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"Moloki feel heavy” the digital voice

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End with a period. . . . heavy." The . . .