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He knew her eyes were blue, though he had never seen them. Studying the crew members quiet face through the cryogenic pod Rev waited patiently for her status update. He turned to the computer when he realized that it was late reporting to him. "Houston, status report please," he said, addressing the computer by the name of their ship.

"There are anomalous readings with the dream sequencing of cryo-pod one. I am performing validation tests of the results," the computer replied, referring to Maura, one of the ships five crew members who had been in cryogenic hibernation for nearly five years now.

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Second

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Rev was brought online after their research ship, the Ventura, set out across space. Now, as the seven year mark approached, the five humans that made up the crew were scheduled to begin the dangerous transition out of stasis. He looked through the acrylic screen of the first cryogenic pod and studied Maura's quiet face. What was she thinking? Could she even think, or was her mind locked into one of the pod's computer-induced dreams? Rev kept careful watch over the crew during the long journey, and he was eager to meet each of them for the first time; to hear their voices, watch their actions, and listen to their conversations. He wanted to learn from them. An indicator light on Maura's pod caught his attention as it...

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He knew her eyes were blue, though he had never seen them. Studying the crew members quiet face through the cryogenic pod Rev waited patiently for her status update. He turned to the computer when he realized that it was late reporting to him.

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I have problems with all three sentences but the biggest problem is they are unrelated. There is no flow in the prose. Only independent statements. Individually they all need work.

He knew her eyes were blue, though he had never seen them.

Don't who he is, who she is, or why the color of her eyes matters one bit.

Studying the crew members quiet face through the cryogenic pod Rev waited patiently for her status update.

Crew members of what? I believe 'face' needs an 's'. A comma should follow 'pod'. And who is this 'her'?

He turned to the computer when he realized that it was late reporting to him

This is clunky. I am sure you could axe the sentence entirely. It is filled with modifiers and an unecessary info-dump.

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"Houston, status report please," he said, addressing the computer by the name of their ship.

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Oooo, passive and clumsy speech tag. It would be better if you flipped it before the dialog but you could probably cut it completely.

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"There are anomalous readings with the dream sequencing of cryo-pod one. I am performing validation tests of the results,"

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Computer dialog comes off as a bit stilted, even for a computer.

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the computer replied,

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cut speech tag, not needed.

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referring to Maura,

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this information should be in with the first 'her'.

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one of the ships five crew members who had been in cryogenic hibernation for nearly five years now

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half redundant, half info-dump.

As it is, it doesn't work as a hook. You do have some of the pieces in place. As I see it, Rev must be a lonely guy in love with a frozen girl. If that is the case, build on that.

Why had he never seen them? This bothers me although I realize it could be an important story element – still, I’d like a hint why, right here, right now. You make a deal of that by putting it first. Has he boarded from some other ship or station?

. "Houston, status report please," he said, addressing the computer by the name of their ship.
 So, Houston is the name of their ship – whose ship? His and everyone aboard’s, or the derelict ship he’s boarded? Unclear.

And the computer – which/what computer? Also unclear to me.

You seem to be missing the apostrophes -- one of the ship’s five crew

Maura,-- a name but it is not clear reading through the first time that she is the one with the blue eyes. She is, isn’t she?

There are anomalous readings with the dream sequencing of cryo-pod one. I am performing validation tests of the results – this sounds more like techno-babble. I am not getting a clear image here. I have to sit back and untangle what’s being said which is not something good in the first 13 lines (or any place, in my opinion)

The expository dialogue tags feel very clunky, too, I'm afraid.

Oh yeah, and caling the ship "Houston" feels like you are doing it just so you can have "Houston, we have a problem..." type dialogue. Which is distracting me.

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...the biggest problem is they are unrelated. There is no flow in the prose. Only independent statements.

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Thank you! Between the first 13 crits and my own self-analysis I have realized this is one of my biggest issues.

I spent so many years in law enforcement where everything that I wrote was 'just the facts'. If the facts were A, B, and C then my report was written A.B.C.

I am going to work hard on reinventing how I think and write, and I thank each of you in advance for your patience.

He looked – um, now I’m wondering if Rev IS a computer? Is he some sort of cyborg or AI? This is not clear to me, and, as I proceed, it gets less clear.

Rev kept - no, Rev had kept

He wanted to learn from them – huh? Learn what? Since I do not know what he is I have no clear understanding what he expects to learn

An indicator light on Maura's pod caught his attention as it... – he knows what that light means so inform the reader. Be specific.

I agree. - Maura's quiet face – doesn’t work. The quiet just isn’t right. How about expressionless face?

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Automatic response. Shivers. Adrenaline rush.
Teary eyed. Gasp. Jerk reaction. Cuss. Shaking. Throw arms up. Flinch. Heart pounding.

Willful bodily response. A physical response in reaction to an outside source. Pulling away. Jumping. Slapping.

Speech. Character says something in response to the outside source.

Thoughts. Thoughts or introspection in direct response to the outside source.

Counter Actions:

Body. Does she do something else as a counter action? An example would be, she punched the person in the nose. Now she is taking control of the situation, rather than things just being done to her.

Speech. Does she say something to take control of the situation?

Thought. Do her thoughts shift to taking control of the situation?

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With that in mind, I think the information you present in version 2, can be broken up into at least two paragraphs. BTW, version 2 is much better than version 1.

I learn best by example, and it will be easier for me to just rewrite part of it to show what I mean. The story parts will be in red.

[colR]After the Ventura left planet One to research planet Two, the AI system turned cyborg Rev on.[/col]

That is the external. Notice too how more specific it is. State where the ship left from and is going to. I put planet One and Two has place holders. State what turned Rev on. Because I didn't know what turned him on, I went with AI system. I don't think there is a need to state that it is a research ship. We will figure that out as we keep reading. It keeps me wondering why the ship is going to planet Two.

Now you should write Rev's reaction to the external stimuli, which is being turned on.

[colR]Rev felt his circuits stall for exactly one billionth of a second, as he tilted his head in jerky movements. Within seconds he was moving smoothly again. He looked around.[/col]

Now, go back to the external. Notice I mentioned that seven years have passed without saying it.

[colR]Holographic displays and glowing buttons filled the walls of the medium sized room. Lined up against one wall, five humans were sleeping inside of pods that had clear covers. Each was dressed in tight suits.[/col]

I took the opportunity to set the scene a bit, so I can imagine where the characters are in relation to each other and the environment. I purposely only called them pods, so that way I can reveal them to be stasis pods in the next paragraph without ever saying so. Now Rev's reactions.

[colR]Rev knew he must now wake them so they can begin their dangerous transition out of stasis. Curiously, he walked over to the pod on the far left and peered through the acrylic screen at Maura's expressionless face, a face of one sleeping and of one unawares. He studied her as he stroked the pod's cover. What was she thinking? Probably nothing. She was probably locked into an induced dream.

Induced dreams were needed to keep their minds occupied for the last seven years. And after keeping a careful watch on them for so long, Rev was eager to meet her and to meet all of them, to hear their voices, watch their actions, and to listen to their conversations. Because he could learn how to be human from them.[/col]

I wanted to present all the information in story format, and to transition between ideas clearly.

[colR]Then an indicator light on Maura's pod flashed.[/col]

Rather than say it caught his attention, just say what the light did. In the next paragraph write his reactions. Does he have an automatic response? Does he have a willful body response? Does he have a verbal response? Does he have a thought response? I will see if I can do each one of those in that order.

[colR]He moved back exactly an inch and tilted his head. "Maura, you're going to be okay." But he wondered if she would be.[/col]

Here it is all together.

[colR]After the Ventura left planet One to research planet Two, the AI system turned cyborg Rev on.

Rev felt his circuits stall for exactly one billionth of a second, as he tilted his head in jerky movements. Within seconds he was moving smoothly again. He looked around.

Holographic displays and glowing buttons filled the walls of the medium sized room. Lined up against one wall, five humans were sleeping inside of pods that had clear covers. Each was dressed in tight suits.

Rev knew he must now wake them so they can begin their dangerous transition out of stasis. Curiously, he walked over to the pod on the far left and peered through the acrylic screen at Maura's expressionless face, a face of one sleeping and of one unawares. He studied her as he stroked the pod's cover. What was she thinking? Probably nothing. She was probably locked into an induced dream.

Induced dreams were needed to keep their minds occupied for the last seven years. And after keeping a careful watch on them for so long, Rev was eager to meet her and to meet all of them, to hear their voices, watch their actions, and to listen to their conversations. Because he could learn how to be human from them.

Then an indicator light on Maura's pod flashed.

He moved back exactly an inch and tilted his head. "Maura, you're going to be okay." But he wondered if she would be.

Now, I could beef up a few of these paragraphs, like paragraph three. Perhaps add a bit more details about the room. Like how many doorways or hatches. I could combine the last two paragraphs.

When an indicator light on Maura's pod flashed, Rev moved back exactly an inch and tilted his head. "Maura, you're going to be okay." But he wondered if she would be.[/col]

Anyway, these are some of the things I think about during my second revision. Then I do a pass for suspense and emotions. I do a pass for motivation, goals, and consequences. Then I do a pass for using the senses: smell, taste, touch. Only after I do all this do I worry about sentence structure.

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I think the information you present in version 2, can be broken up into at least two paragraphs. BTW, version 2 is much better than version 1.

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Thanks arc, I am focusing on the last two scenes of another project. Then I plan on revisiting the first 13 on this one, taking all the crits to heart. It's still nice to hear that I am at least making some improvement, even if it still needs a lot of work.

I am excited about incorporating all you and others have said, and putting it into my own voice.

Edit: BTW I've been watching youre youtubes on the writing model and graphic arts...very nice on both parts. Interested in the writing of course for myself, and getting my little nephew who loves to draw, introduced to digital programs.

[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited November 14, 2009).]