I took a cue from the reasons the often deprecated forms of dialogue are slighted, pleasantries from foreign language instruction for example.

"Hi, Beth. How're you doing?"
"I'm okay. You?"
"Yeah, okay."

Nothing there, no meaning at all. Maybe a tick of causation. There's no overt need for attribution tags though.

And added context that contributed subtext and meaning, immersion, and plot movement through causation and tension and antagonism, added context through the fiction-writing modes;

  Jerald blinked. His head shook. The health department, of all the places to run into her. "Hi, Beth." Two months since they broke up and he still wanted to chop off her head for dumping him. "How're you doing?"
  Her head tilted up from a magazine. Long blonde bangs swept across her face in the way that drove him wild. "I'm okay." She didn't meet his eyes, just glared at the television above the waiting area. "You?"
  "Yeah, okay."

They're just sitting there talking though, static action, but not entirely static drama. That's been one of my weaknesses, characters having meaningful conversations but basically just sitting there. I'm working on less talk, more action.

Personal opinion:

I like your first paragraph except for the line “His head shook.” Sounds like some outside force/entity was involved. Like – The vibrations increased. His head shook. The cabinets flew off the wall and crashed nearby.

I like combining dialogue and narrative this way, though not too much which is what I’m having a problem with here. Two complicated situation-establishing paragraphs one after another. It can be done and done well, but here it doesn’t work – for me.

I think the blonde bangs line is in the wrong paragraph maybe.

I would prefer –

A: Jerald blinked. Long blonde bangs swept across her face in the way that still drove him wild. The health department, of all the places to run into her. "Hi, Beth." Two months since they broke up and he still wanted to chop off her head for dumping him. "How're you doing?"

Her head tilted up from a magazine. "I'm okay. You?"

"Yeah, okay."

Or—
B: Jerald blinked. The health department, of all the places to run into her. "Hi, Beth." Two months since they broke up and he still wanted to chop off her head for dumping him. "How're you doing?"

Her head tilted up from a magazine. "I'm okay. You?"

"Yeah, okay."

Perhaps –

C: Jerald blinked. Long blonde bangs swept across her face in the way that still drove him wild. The health department, of all the places to run into her. "Hi, Beth." Her head tilted up from a magazine. Two months since they broke up and he still wanted to chop it off for dumping him. "How're you doing?"

"I'm okay. You?"

"Yeah, okay."

Even –

D: Jerald blinked. Long blonde bangs swept across her face in the way that still drove him wild. The health department, of all the places to run into her. "Hi, Beth." Her head tilted up from a magazine. "How're you doing?" he asked.

"I'm okay. You?"

"Yeah, okay."

Two months since they broke up and he still wanted to chop her head off for dumping him.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited August 23, 2009).]

My take on this is that your example feels like it is the opening to a scene…or even to a sequel (a scene the story point of which is a decision rather than an action).

You’ve set up their situation – he still likes her but is hurt, she has moved on probably. These attitudes are what are going to develop(?) in some way in the scene or sequel that follows. The goal or story question of this scene is still unknown to the reader from what we have here.

It’s setup, pure and simple, not story. Story will have to follow.

I like my D version best. To me it reads the cleanest and clearest.

When editing extrinsic’s initial version and all my variations to reach D, I did it by just “feeling” in my mind…it’s hard to explain. But now I can look on the last version and see what I was feeling.

Jerald blinked. – That’s a reaction to something he just saw: Beth. Initially I just had that he saw she was there in the Health Department. That was okay. But as I developed the opening I began to wonder if his blink was more about seeing HER – the blonde bangs and how they still drove him wild. Then, coming out of his review or reverie, the lesser information bit that she was here in front of him.

Now I personally have no problem with inserting a reaction inside dialogue.

His “Hi, Beth” would get a reaction and if we wait too long for it, the effect diminishes.

His greeting, her reaction and now his other statement that becomes a reaction to her noticing him. But because of all the stuff going on, I felt the reader needed that “He asked” at the end of the paragraph.

She replies. He replies – both very neutral emotionally. Polite.

Then comes the more tension filled internalization. We had the hint in the first paragraph that they had broken up – maybe. The very polite and neutral exchange and now the big, powerful acknowledgement of how he feels about her.

That’s what I think was there all along but not clear.
If this is indeed an opening.
Just my opinion and an explanation of how I reached this point in the editing.

If this did go on into a sequel -- he could be called into his appointment and review how she had thrown him over for the heart surgeon she was sitting here waiting for. He could analyze how it made sense if all she cared about was money. How he was better off without her charging up his credit cards. How she didn't know about his new job and he'd make partner at the law office and be a congressman and she's regret throwing him over for that doddering, senile old fool. He decides right then and there to take the high profile case he'd been offered -- suing the man he was here to see.-end of sequel

It could be a scene that this is the opening to just as easily.

quote:

---

Jerald blinked. His head shook. The health department, of all the places to run into her. "Hi, Beth." Two months since they broke up and he still wanted to chop off her head for dumping him. "How're you doing?"

Her head tilted up from a magazine. Long blonde bangs swept across her face in the way that drove him wild. "I'm okay." She didn't meet his eyes, just glared at the television above the waiting area. "You?"

"Yeah, okay."

---

My take.
I completely agree with arriki on His head shook. It is worded as if it isn't a part of his body. I do see this exert a bit differently.

A crucial thing for me is that Jerald just drops out of the sky. Was he in the waiting room and just noticed her (unlikely)? or does he walk into the room and sees her? It is likely that Jerald walked in and saw Beth, that got him to blink, so the hero entering the room should be mentioned since it is one of the reasons why he blinked.
The two characters are having completely different reactions to meeting each other. Jerald is still hurt yet remains attracted to Beth. Beth could care less and may be embarrassed to see him. The fact they're both are at the health clinic makes it amusing.
I disagree that, Long blonde bangs swept across her face in the way that drove him wild, should be moved to the first paragraph. The order of events...a) Jearald sees Beth and b) Jearald is remind how she made him feel...are separate. Changing the order changes his character. In extrinsic's version he feels bitterness of being dumped than is reminded how she made him feel. It is a real reaction and one that I found easy to identify with.
The scene hinges on a mutual discomfort. Focusing on that, facial features, body language, internal thoughts, is the way to improve this.

quote:

---

Jerald stepped into the waiting room and blinked when he spotted the beautiful woman seated in the corner. The health department, of all the places to run into her.

"Hi, Beth." Stupid. It was two months since they broke up and all he could think of to say was Hi, Beth? He still wanted to chop off her head for dumping him. "How're you doing?"

Her eyes lifted from a magazine. Long blonde bangs swept across her face in the way that drove him wild. "I'm okay." She didn't meet his eyes, just glared at the television above the waiting area, as if the texture of the brand of bath tissue on the screen was the most important thing in the world at that moment. "You?"

"Yeah, okay."

---

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 23, 2009).]

You are trying to make this into something it's not. This an example of using beats. The examples in the King's book itself are the same. They are snippets out of stories where the problems you have are addressed. But for reasons of copyright if not, space in the teaching text, all nonessential parts are cut away.

It's a little hard to tell what's going on in the discussion, picking it up in the middle like this. But there is a simple key to understanding the distinction between beats and story-advancing action. There is no distinction.

A good beat also advances the story (or establishes character a bit more clearly, which is more or less the same thing). Granted, it is possible to have a beat, such as the shrug in your example, that doesn't do much to advance the story, but that is a fairly bland, vanilla beat and should probably be upgraded for something better.

Also, I can picture cases where a shrug could be the moment that changes the direction of the plot. On the other hand, I'm sure there are Vinnies in the world who are prone to draw heat just to underscore a conversational point -- slightly more emphatic than a shrug but no more important to the advancement of the story.

As to arriki's question about picturing the action in a scene, if you describe the setting of a scene -- a restaurant, say -- at the beginning, readers will unconsciously fill in all sorts of details in their imaginations -- other patrons chattering, waiters moving back and forth, occasional cooking sounds from the kitchen, scents of the various entrees.

If you don't include any mention of the restaurant for the next three pages of dialogue, these subconscious details are going to fade away. Readers don't actually forget that your characters are in a restaurant, but your scene's setting gradually fades away, unless you refresh it with your beats. That's what we meant about beats helping readers picture the action of the scene.

As to your question of the distinction between beats and more extended bits of narration, it's important to remember that the term "beat" comes from theater and is used in scripts. Essentially, the characters have stopped speaking, so you don't want narration that is long enough to stop the dialog or slow it down more than would be natural for your characters. When in doubt, read it aloud and imagine your characters as actors on a stage.

Hope this helps,

I received this email on INFERNO. Again, thanks. I'm familiar with the book which made it much easier to evaluate the snippet.

It’s not that all these beats in this snippet from INFERNO by Niven and Pournelle don’t perform a function – my opinion – but taken together they do slow the pace.

I’m facing something similar as I cut my present wip. I’m having to choose among my beats (all of which also perform a function)which are the MOST necessary.

The next hurdle I see in MY understanding of beats is when to use very clean dialogue with just a few touches of beats as in the examples in Browne and King's book, and when to be more heavy handed.

The initial setup description was obviously required and the kicking the bronze jar added just the right nuance to that bit of dialogue. But some of the rest could have been trimmed. My opinion. It interfered with the flow of the scene...hmmm. How? By directing my attention away from the discussion too much, too often.

The encounter in Inferno is a first time meeting between the two characters. What the dialog can’t show alone is what the MC’s impressions are of the guide and what the guides tells are telling him how he feels about the MC.

quote:

---

“First you ask where you are. Then where you were. Do you think of nothing else you should say?” He was frowning disapproval, as if he didn’t like me at all.

---

This is the guide talking to the MC and the MC’s perspective of the guide’s body language. The dialog is great, IMO, but doesn’t tell the whole story. What the MC sees in the man talking to him adds an inflection to the guide’s words. The dialog isn’t complete without it. Further more, since this is a first meeting between the two, the impression the two are developing for each other are evolving.

quote:

---

The fat meaty lips twitched, and his eyes filled with concern. When he looked at me it wasn’t in distaste, but in sympathy. “Very well. You will have a great deal to learn. First, I answer your questions. Where are you? You are dead, and you lie on the ground of the Vestibule to Hell. Where were you?” He kicked over the bronze bottle with a sandaled foot. “In there.”

---

This is a couple of paragraphs later, but as you can see, the MC’s summation on how the guide feels about him have altered. In paragraph one, the guide is seen as more of an authoritive figure, like how a cop would greet a vagrant. In the next example, the guide’s facial tells suggest he is something else, like a caretaker concerned for him. Just look at the dialog without the beats.

quote:

---

“First you ask where you are. Then where you were. Do you think of nothing else you should say?”…

…“Very well. You will have a great deal to learn. First, I answer your questions. Where are you? You are dead, and you lie on the ground of the Vestibule to Hell. Where were you?” He kicked over the bronze bottle with a sandaled foot. “In there.”

---

The differences are not great but they are important. The beats added an additional element that the dialog alone cannot achieve. The beats provided the inflections in the dialog that we could not hear. Since this is a first meeting, the MC, as anyone would, was very aware of the guide’s action. And since he would be, they are important to the narrative.

If I may be so bold, arriki, I believe you are missing at least a portion of the point that Mr King is trying to make. Less is not necessarily more.

quote:

---

A good beat also advances the story (or establishes character a bit more clearly, which is more or less the same thing). Granted, it is possible to have a beat, such as the shrug in your example, that doesn't do much to advance the story, but that is a fairly bland, vanilla beat and should probably be upgraded for something better.

---

But how many, how much of our stories ARE written that way?

How do beats figure in in THOSE stretches of text?

See my next topic of interest – action internalization reaction

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited August 30, 2009).]