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Author	Topic: New first thirteen - first draft fantasy novel
andersonmcdonald Member	posted September 23, 2009 12:25 AM The knocking came in the middle of a dream. At first, the sound failed to rouse the sleeping man, lying all tangled up in his blankets. The incessant pounding blended seamlessly into his dream, a series of not-unpleasant images that included, among other things, the thumping of a bed against a wall. But after a moment, the realization of the sheer improbability of those images forced Old John Crow’s Foot out of his slumber. Cursing, he flung aside his blankets and sat up. “Who is it?” he barked, his voice still hoarse from sleep and the bite of too many ales at the Drunken Goat Inn. “It’s me, sir,” a small voice called from the other side of the door. “Tom Grisby, sir.” IP: Logged
Devnal Member	posted September 23, 2009 10:56 AM I hate being "that" guy but... The easiest way I found to work out a waking sequence from the beginning of a story is by jumping forward a bit. Just a suggestion, but why don't you start the story where the dialogue begins? eg "Who is it?" Old John barked, his voice still hoarse from sleep and the bite of too many ales at the Drunken Goat the night before. ------------ perhaps the images in the dream are important, but i would suggest throwing them in at a later time. IP: Logged
MrsBrown Member	posted September 23, 2009 01:03 PM Agreed. IP: Logged
SavantIdiot Member	posted September 23, 2009 01:06 PM The knocking came in the middle of a dream. Do you really need this sentence? I think it is redundant. It is clear enough what is happening without it. At first, the sound failed to rouse the sleeping man, lying all tangled up in his blankets.is this phrase lying...blankets important? The incessant pounding blended seamlessly into his dream, a series of not-unpleasant images that included, among other things, the thumping of a bed against a wall. But after a moment, the realization of the sheer improbability of those images forced Old John Crow’s Foot out of his slumber. 'Old John Crow's Foot'? I don't understand this phrase at all and it would stop the flow for me Cursing, he flung aside his blankets and sat up. If you want to let us know his sleep is disturbed (tangled up in his blankets) this might be a good place to show it. For instance, if he is entangled in his linens, he won't be flinging them off but fighting free of them. “Who is it?” he barked, his voice still do we need still? hoarse from sleep and the bite of too many ales at the Drunken Goat Inn. “It’s me, sir,” a small voice called from the other side of the door. “Tom Grisby, sir.” I like it. I would definitely keep reading. I like the very slightly racy reference there, too. It made it very human and real and it made me smile, and feel some sympathy for the man. IP: Logged
andersonmcdonald Member	posted September 23, 2009 06:04 PM Thanks for the input, guys! Good points. This was written in response to a critique that said I needed to start earlier in the story. As it was, most of this was in flashback. As far as the racy scene, that was the only reason it was included - to show Old John as a human being, far past his prime. I don't usually write racy scenes, but in this case it seemed appropriate for the character. Thanks! IP: Logged
andersonmcdonald Member	posted September 23, 2009 10:52 PM Hi again! Just wanted to know if anyone would like to read the rest of this chapter. It's 3850 words. It's a fantistorical novel, no wizards or spells. I have ten chapters written so far. This chapter sets the stage for things to come, just thought I'd warn you. IP: Logged
andersonmcdonald Member	posted October 01, 2009 12:04 AM This is a rough beginning. Just wanted to see if it works better than the previous opening. Does putting in this information make it more interesting? First thirteen rule cuts it off abruptly, but it goes on to include the content of the first entry. Thanks! The end of John Crow’s Foot didn’t begin with the knock at his door. It began days earlier, when he was lying drunk in a hollowed-out bed among high weeds, when he had overheard a conversation between two conspirators. If he had kept what he’d heard to himself, all would have been well. But he hadn’t kept it to himself. He had blabbed, and thus his first opportunity to escape slipped through his fingers. The knock at his door was the second opportunity, and he pissed that away, as well. He almost didn’t. He almost ignored it. He’d spent the previous evening at the Drunken Goat Inn, carousing with the Thornley Goats, the regular clientele of aging ruffians who frequented the establishment. Their revelry had been even more enthusiastic than usual, and it was late by IP: Logged
MrsBrown Member	posted October 01, 2009 10:44 AM Interesting start. You let us know up front that the character is dead. My first impression was that you will quickly tell us about John’s events and then move on to the real story, but then I realized that the whole story will be about how John ended up dead. I don’t see a problem with this approach—it’s intriguing. I like the distinct voice, but who is speaking? My guess is an omni narrator first, then dipping into John’s POV. (I’m weak on POV.) Will John’s voice be the same as or different from the narrator’s? (Does it matter?) The name really messed me up. What is this Foot (that belongs to John Crow) and how did its end (toes? Heel?) not begin with a knock? That first sentence does not work. Let’s say you leave off the foot. The end of John Crow didn’t begin… it still sounds off to me, although I get where you are going. Otherwise it’s smooth, no complaints. Nice work! IP: Logged
andersonmcdonald Member	posted October 01, 2009 06:39 PM Lol. John Crow's Foot. It's his name, sort of a pseudo-American Indian name. The MC of this novel (one of them, anyway)is named Otho Good Eye. I know the names sound a little awkward at first, but hopefully they will make sense and grow on the reader. Thanks for the kind words! IP: Logged
Wolfe_boy Member	posted October 01, 2009 07:07 PM I think the correct way of writing someone's name in that manner would be John Crowsfoot. For the record, the S is typically omitted as well. Google only finds a single mention of the spelling Crowsfoot. IP: Logged
andersonmcdonald Member	posted October 01, 2009 11:11 PM Sorry, they don't have google in this fictional realm. LOL. John Crow's Foot isn't supposed to be an actual Indian name, English name, or any other real world name. It's one of the names given to the Aslui people by their conquerors. Just sayin'. However, I might change it. Nothing is set in stone yet. IP: Logged
Lou Member	posted October 02, 2009 01:53 AM I liked the use of Foot at the end of the name. I caught on right away. To me the spelling is irrelevant but the feel of the name is right. But don't take my word on what is right, just what I like. IP: Logged
MrsBrown Member	posted October 02, 2009 12:23 PM It's all in how you use it, especially the first time. I had no problem in your first version, but the second version really threw me (until I remembered it was his name). IP: Logged
andersonmcdonald Member	posted October 04, 2009 04:36 PM A few changes. Maybe this clears up "John Crow's Foot." John Crow’s Foot was a dead man the moment he answered the knock at his door. He didn’t know it, but he’d been living on borrowed time ever since that afternoon, two days past, when he had been lying drunk in a hollowed-out bed among high weeds and overheard a conversation between two conspirators. If he had kept what he’d heard to himself, all would have been well. But he hadn’t kept it to himself. He had blabbed, and thus his first opportunity to escape slipped through his fingers. The knock at his door was the second opportunity, if not to escape his demise, than to at least prolong it. But he pissed that away, as well. He’d spent the previous evening at the Drunken Goat Inn, IP: Logged
MrsBrown Member	posted October 05, 2009 10:23 AM Need a clear paragraph break before the last sentence. Otherwise, this is great. The name works now. IP: Logged

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