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Hatrack River Writers Workshop
![]() Fragments and Feedback for Novels
![]() SF need help on 13 before Halloween
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| Author | Topic: SF need help on 13 before Halloween |
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Architectus Member |
I am entering the contest here by Bent Tree, and I don't know what first 13 to go with. Here they both are. Which do you think? The first shows a lot of personality; the second dives right into the setting and hints at what will go wrong. When Steve pressed a button on his wristwatch, which was fused into his wrist, Sandy spoke as if in his mind. "Heart rate, a steady sixty beats per minute. Cholesterol levels . . . acceptable. You really need to stop the fast food." He spoke in his mind, "But it tastes so good." "Human may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know because I'd never eat the filthy things," Sandy said. "Ah, thanks for caring." "You didn't program me to care, Steve. And you completely missed the reference." "It's against the law, and, I got the movie reference, by the way." "Sure you did, hun." second
"You really need to stop turning me off like that." "Sorry, Sandy," he said in his mind. "I need you to check the status of C-class bot ten "O" one. Is it supposed to be IP: Logged |
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valjean03 Member |
Hmmm... I like the second one where you didn't have the dialogue better, but then agian, the dialogue had an active voice, which is what I like about it. The problem with the dialogue, however, was that I found it to be too ordinary - it is something that you'd hear every day without trying. My impression of the first try was that "huh, I heard that conversation when I took the train today..." This is good and bad. It's good because I can relate to the dialogue and see what's going on in my mind. It's bad because I am thinking about my day, and not what's going on in the story. The second try is a very involved, push me in the moment kind of story, so I prefer the second one, though the dialogue could be appreciated, if you can find a way to make it interesting enough. Just my opinion. IP: Logged |
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Kitti Member |
I like the second a lot better. The first one has no scenery/context for me to put anything into so I feel adrift. The second one reels me into the novel more because I can visualize where he is and what he's doing. IP: Logged |
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Architectus Member |
Thanks, I will go with the second. IP: Logged |
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