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 Hatrack River Writers Workshop
 Fragments and Feedback for Novels
 Demon
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| Author | Topic: Demon |
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insectica411 Member |
posted November 14, 2009 04:37 AM
  
This is my first thirteen lines (I think) I don't want to tell too much about the story but rather see if the lead does it's job to draw you into the story. Please let me know what you think. I have plenty thick skin so please don't spare my feelings. He burst into consciousness on a stone slab, coughing and sputtering water from his lungs. With a deep, desperate breath he screamed out in agony as his muscles tensed and his bones cracked. IP: Logged |
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Meredith Member |
posted November 14, 2009 07:12 AM
Two things jump out at me. Who is 'he'? He has a name and presumably he remembers that. That's how he'd think of himself. If his bones cracked, how did he stand up? That threw me right back out of the suspension of disbelief. IP: Logged |
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Teraen Member |
posted November 14, 2009 06:48 PM
Unless amnesia is a major theme in this story, I don't know if this is the best opening. It strikes me as a "when Bob woke up..." ... And its usually a bad idea to start with a character waking up. Maybe you could skip to the next event (does he wander around his surroundings? Interact with anyone?) and we can get bits and pieces of his awakening throughout whatever is going on... IP: Logged |
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Edward Douglas New Member |
posted November 14, 2009 10:17 PM
My comments/suggestions are in brackets [] He burst into consciousness [I think it might be okay to just say he came awake (or if he's been revived to say: he returned to consciousness). Burst doesn't show or tell me anything.] With a deep, desperate breath he screamed out [use of "with a deep" here cannot allow for a scream at the same time. Deep implies breathing in. Perhaps say: After a deep and desperate breath...] [Next I might combine the theme of the last four sentences, but using his sense of hearing first, then sight, then touch. Example: The wave of pain passed. He was left panting as the pain returned each time he tried to recall any memory of how he had gotten here. He gave up and lay still. He could hear waves crashing to shore. The shrill laughter of seagulls pierced the air. Were they mocking him? He opened his eyes...(I think you get the idea of where I'm going. Email me if you want me to see more)] Keep writing! IP: Logged |
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Jesse D Member |
posted November 23, 2009 06:02 PM
I like this. I do agree with others that the description of his pain (bones cracking, muscles tearing, etc) becomes less believable when he stands up almost immediately. I think you might dwell longer on how the pain passes if you wish to make this more palatable to the critically-minded reader. IP: Logged |
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tchernabyelo Member |
posted November 23, 2009 07:00 PM
Although this is a "waking up" opening, it does seem to do its job pretty well. The "muscles tearing/bones crakcing" issue has already been addressed - it would be a lot more convincing if he felt as IF his bones were cracking. Driftwood is one word (in my experience). I'd read on. IP: Logged |
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