quote:

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The evening before my assault on Rincon Peak found me stuffing my brand-new backpack full to the brim with an eclectic collection of outdoor gear, a bold assortment of camping paraphernalia mail-ordered over the years, none of which had ever been used.

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I found this sentence too long (half way through I scanned ahead to see if it would ever end) and I found the comma placement somehow unintuitive (I'm no lit grad, so I can't put my finger on the exact problem). Try reading it out as-is, then try again, replacing ", none of which had ever been" with "and never".

quote:

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After all, I planned to spend a whole night outside.

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Ha, nice. Because of where the 13 lines is cut off I can't be sure, but I wonder if this is a good punchline with which to end the first paragraph.

quote:

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I sat in the garage surrounded by...

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In contrast to the first sentence, this is longer, but I liked it (for what it is, a list). First aid kits - plural - sounds amusing for a one-night outing, so I wonder if it would be better at the end of the list if it's a more comic atmosphere you're trying to create.