The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Damn it, Jerval cursed silently. The bonfire was so hot it was making his peach colored make up run. Jerval grabbed onto old Sebastian’s legs and picked him up with his newest friend, Mel.
“This is the last peckerhead,” Mel said as they threw Jerval’s old rampaging buddy into the roaring fire. “I’m gonna to miss bashing zombies with baseball bats,” Mel said. “That was fun.”
Jerval smiled while wishing he could chew that smirk right off of Mel’s face. “I know what you mean, Meal.”
Mel gave Jerval a sideways glance. “What was that?”
“Oh, I was just thinking about that barbeque. How I love cooked meat.” Jerval rubbed his belly. “Mmmm, mmmm.” A crow took that moment to land on Jerval’s shoulder and peck at his

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited February 06, 2009).]

Blood On My Hands

Doctor Carson wondered how everyone else in the mob got their weaponry so quickly, after the call went out. He had only a baseball bat, which could do little compared to sawed off shotguns, grenades, and chainsaws held high. He considered briefly if society was so thin a veneer self-destruction was inevitable, or if the 'purging' of the past six years had forged people ready for anything. Therein lay the problem, the last of the infected, recently seen entering the tower on the outskirts of town, was not a threat to humanity. He was it's last chance of survival. Carson knew trying to explain to this rabble would be pointless. Yet, if he could arrive first, there might be a chance. The doctor pushed to the front of the pack, then sprinted ahead, all the while clutching the grenade pin

Second Reign

Jerval scrambled through the forest brush, grabbing snakes and rats and voles, stuffing them into his pockets, down his pants, or tying them by their tails in a chain with some rope and hanging the squirming necklace around his neck. It was the only way he knew to fool the living. He heard the laughing howls of hyenas, carrion-eaters restrained only by their leashes, and the shouts of the mob of the living that pursued the stench of his dead flesh through the forest. It wasn't long ago that the roles were reversed. Even to a zombie, the irony wasn't lost.
Jerval stuffed a badger down his back. They were using thermal-signature readers now, and he was an island of dead matter moving in a sea of the living. A branch over his head

I Ate My Finger

Putting the CAN back in Cannibal

I found some of the sentences difficult to understand on the first read through. “Peckerhead” made sense by the end. This work does dabble in the ‘fun and scary’ zombie sub-genre, as was indicated by the prompt. I would like to read a little more, to see what happens next. However, what happens next would really need to get me excited about following Jerval around. The title is serviceable, but not inspired.

Entry # 2 Blood On My Hands

I like how much is packed into the first sentence. “Packed” is the word for this piece, however, as I see no discernable breaks, just one big block of text, which is intimidating to a reader. I can see how this story would go, it is turning the resident evil game (of protecting an healthy innocent from the zombies) on it’s head. Still it feels a bit cliché, you know ‘save the zombie, save the world’. I guess things become cliché for a reason, people like them. By the end of what is here, I feel the impact of the title, but still it sounds generic. As is the case with most of these, while this story can fit in the ‘Jerval’ universe, it does not really follow the direction of the writing prompt.

Entry # 3 Second Reign

Where is Jerval? Is he Rorlan’s “master” or is has he just been renamed? I suppose if I didn’t have the prompt I wouldn’t be confused. In fact this piece seems to contradict the prompt significantly. All that aside, it seemed the mob is following Rolan, for seven hours? This must be the fast type of zombie. The work feels overwritten, for example “makeup he was tasked to cake on” it too elaborate a way of saying putting on makeup. I would have greatly preferred less about the chase, or the sounds of the mob, and more of a clue as to how Rorlan and his master expected to turn the tide. They must have a good plan (which would make for a great hook), as is indicated by the title. They must have success to some point to create a “second reign”. If we get to that hook soon, I would keep reading.

Entry # 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

The tone of the title matches well with the spirit of the prompt, well done there. However, nothing else matches. I suppose Jerval might think of himself as “Jerry” and the “tower” he is trapped in is a high-rise office building. As far as the writing goes, it was very easy to read (THANK YOU). I don’t know that I have ever seen “ohso” as one word before. Conceptually, Jerry has been hiding his zombie state for a while, I’m guessing. That seems unlikely to work for long. The prompt (sorry I keep going to that) indicated it would take a great amount of will power to pull it off once, or for a few minutes. Again, easy to read, and I would definitely like to read more.

Entry # 5 Night of the Living

Conceptually I like the idea of the “thermal-signature readers” that is a nice clue as to how humanity fought back against the plague of zombies. Yes, as the prompt mentioned the ‘infection’ has been overcome, but that is just one hurdle, you have cleared another. What doesn’t fit is how easily a zombie, even if it is a super-fast moving zombie, can capture these little creatures. It certainly would make for some interesting visuals (both the catching and the wearing). I liked the lines about the branch exploding and the kindling, well written. The title is a play on perhaps the most famous of zombie stories, and it works. As evil as zombies are, I am rooting for Jerval. Easy to read, I would really like to read on.

Entry # 6 One is the Loneliest Number

This story is perhaps the closest one to actually following the writing prompt. Admittedly the prompt did say Jerval was the last, and that may be the case in this story, the wife already dead (again) and dispatched from this earth. The title would lend to that interpretation. Still there is no mention of fake medical certificate or makeup. Perhaps all this tangential story telling is more a reflection on the prompt than anything else. I love the irony infused into this piece, (the quip about the tax records or how the humans are barbaric). Still a zombie gotta eat, can it really go for days just standing in one spot, of it’s own free will? Easy to read, and I would read some more. I have the same concern about the title as the previous round, as a song lyric, would a royalty have to be paid?

Entry # 7 I Ate My Finger

This one is as close to the writing prompt as any, although there is very little competence behind the zombie’s thinking. I don’t see how this story could go on much longer. However that is the trick right? A good story heaps endless trials on the protagonist, with seemingly no way out. I would definitely like to see what happens next. There is a nice blend of the macabre (the scythe is going to be used real soon, I’m sure) as well as the funny. I don’t see any connection to the title, it seems disconnected from this story.

Entry # 8 Putting the CAN back in Cannibal

The tone and attitude of the zombie speaker is clear and generally fun. What I don’t see is a hook. Does he have a plan to remain on top of the food chain? I can’t root for this anti-hero until I see what is going to happen. The title fits the tone of this exercise as well.

Favorite Title Entry # 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Entry #1 The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

I'm not blown away by it; it took me a couple readings to get it, but I just may continue on for another page or so. It's got some promise.

Entry #2 Blood on My Hands

There's some mangled sentences in here, and though it's clearly trying to go beyond the shallow comic sensibilities of the premise, I'm going to pass on this one.

Entry #3 Second Reign

Personal quibble, but I'm having a hard time getting around trying to think "Rorlan". It doesn't flow too easily off the tongue (or the brain). And some of the sentences seem a little clumsy. "Reverberation against the aging tower..." just doesn't work for me. Pass.

Entry #4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Good god, what a title. Yeah, I know it's a riff on a play or musical or whatever, but...to be honest, reads like a bad SNL skit. Pass.

Entry #5 Night of the Living

I like that the mob is using hyenas to track down the living dead, but I'm having a hard time figuring out where all these animals are coming from. It's like something out of Dr. Doolittle. I'm also not sure about using thermal-signature readers to track the dead by the "black hole" that the dead would produce. I think a badger floating a couple feet off the ground would arouse more suspicion, but what do I know? I'd probably read on a little longer, though.

Entry #6

One is the Loneliest Number

The title is nice. I like the opening and the dry reminiscing of his previous life. I'd read on.

Entry #7

I Ate My Finger

I like this one a lot. It's funny, and addresses the ridiculousness of the situation head on. I don't know if it can be sustained for any considerable length, but I'd read on.

Entry #8

Putting the Can Back in Cannibal

Best title. I like the "zombies at the top of the food chain" line. I'd read on.

Best Title: Putting the CAN Back in Cannibal

Entry #2: Blood on My Hands
Unusual and interesting approach. However, it would be hard for me to imagine Doctor Carson meeting the accountant zombie that’s wearing make-up. It has a zombie-hugging VanHelsing feel to it. I thought the writing was good, but it seemed a little too busy.

Entry #3: Second Reign
This had quite a dramatic opening. The first sentence didn’t seem to flow very well. The fact that Rorlan was also a zombie seemed to be more of an attempt to hook the person who had read the synopsis than a person reading blind (without the synopsis). It moved a little too fast.

Entry #4: How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
I liked the title. At first, the “A7” confused me – then I got it. I also thought that Jerry had bit off his fingers, but I question this since we never see him eating the candy bar and the last line says, “Jerry could see his two fingers…” Otherwise, I really enjoyed this approach.

Entry #5: Night of the Living
I thought this was very funny. However, I have this weird rule about believability – once I feel that the rules have been set (zombie running in future forest on Earth), then the writer has to go by those rules (no Noah abilities exist among zombies). Now if this could have been given some explanation earlier, I would have considered it. I did laugh though.

Entry #6: One is the Loneliest Number
Great song. However, I’m not sure what to make of the lines. This could be read straight or humorous. One thing’s for sure, someone OD’d on puns – 4 or 5 at least. I did think the relationship between Jerval and his wife was intriguing – it’s a shame she was dead, or undead, or un-un-dead. But who knows.

Entry #7: I Ate My Finger
Let me just say that I have been a little partial to some of my own attempts at these challenges in the past. However, this definitely blew me away (this time). I almost fell over in my chair. So what happened with the title?

Entry #8: Putting the CAN back in Cannibal
First person was an interesting take. Jerval seems very animated and agitated. Not sure what the whole cannibal argument was – it seems to me that cannibalism describes zombie behavior fairly accurately. I also couldn’t get into the ranting opening. Maybe Jerval is pursuing a new career as a motivational speaker.

Title: How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

1st. 8# Putting the CAN back in Cannibal -- good voice.

2nd. #2 Blood On My Hands

3rd #1 The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

title: Second Reign

A little difficult to figure out what is going on. If I didn’t read the synopsis, I wouldn’t know Jerval was a zombie without a detail study.

Entry # 2 Blood On My Hands

This one had a different approach. The opening was bit philosophical. Not always a good idea but it intrigued me enough to read on.

Entry # 3 Second Reign

Good title I liked the last line…

turning the tide against this growing plague of the living

…the rest of the opening seemed to much of a sudden start for it to work for me. I am wondering how a mob could maintain its raging integrity for ‘seven hours and uncounted miles’

entry # 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Amusing title. I found this funny and I liked Jerry’s perspective. I did find it odd that civilization could rebound to the point where people once again worked in office buildings and stocked vending machines with candy bars.

Entry # 5 Night of the Living

Liked the reverse play on the Night of the Living Dead title. This was the opposite of four. It looks like civilization has crumbled and we are witnessing the final act of a genocidal war. Liked the concept. I am wondering how effective ‘thermal-signature readers’ are. It seems Hyenas would be all the living needed. I did find it intriguing.

Entry # 6 One is the Loneliest Number

Nice work on the 3 dog night title. Not bad, a zombie reminiscing about his old, alive life. Funny how he thought what the living did to a cannibalistic virus carrier as barbaric. Good opening but not as hooky for my taste.

Entry # 7 I Ate My Finger

I’m going to confess that I wasn’t that much of a fan when I first read this, but the more I read it, the more I like it. The zombie sounded too much like he had down syndrome. Alan Masterson reminds me of the character ‘Otter’ in ‘Animal House’ but in a zombie movie. Very amusing.

Entry # 8 Putting the CAN back in Cannibal

This internal dialog would have been great in a court setting as real dialog. I can see it now… Famous lawyer defends last zombie in famous trial. Could be a new ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ story. I liked it, but not as an opening.

So many good titles this week. Hard to pick one.

Best Title Entry # 5 Night of the Living

First entry # 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Second Entry # 7 I Ate My Finger

Third Entry # 3 Second Reign (the last line hooked me enough to keep reading. It’s what set it above all the rest)

Nice job everyone. I am considering completing mine into a flash submission.

Entry # 2: Blood On My Hands
Doc Carson started out with "only" a baseball bat, but ended the 13 with a grenade? Very cool! There might be a reason for that inconsistency beyond the 13, but what kept me disconnected from the doctor's plight was that I got no sense of why the 'last of the infected' was humanity's last chance of survival...which would have gone a long way to explaining why the mob was so bent on 'purging'...which, in turn, would have gone a long way to explaining why the doctor felt that an explanation would have been pointless. Other than that, the last sentence gave promise of some action, which is a good thing.

Entry # 3: Second Reign
It took until the fifth sentence before I found out why the mob was even assembled. Also, adrenaline and anger and fear can only sustain aggression for so long, so the hunt having lasted seven hours seems a bit too lengthy an interval.

Entry # 4: How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
I’m not sure how long I can analyze this one to death before I finally find a criticism...but, then I’d be missing the point. Nothing glaring or abrasive jumped out at me. Except, to say…won’t the peanuts from a Snickers bar damage a zombie’s teeth?

Entry # 5: Night of the Living
A bizarre image you’ve wedged into my mind, which might explain what caught my interest here. However, one thing---although not nearly a deal-breaker---did distract me: “Jerval stuffed a badger down his back. They were using thermal-signature readers now…” Who was using thermal-signature readers? The badgers?! Pretty sophisticated creatures! I, of course, know the real answer, but I have a tendency to assume that the first use of a pronoun such as ‘they’ will refer to the most recent person or thing previously mentioned. Other than that, the imagery talks me into letting something like that slide.

Entry # 6: One is the Loneliest Number
This one doesn't have much of a hook for me, although I did like how you worked in a reference to his previous life; you've revealed to use that Jerval clearly doesn't like his new biological status, so this sets up the promise of potential internal conflicts further into the story which might prove engaging.

Entry # 7: I Ate My Finger
I like this one. It's not exactly a smooth read, but it's fun to read a POV character having a sense of amusement with a topic that any other non-zombie main character would be freaking out about.

Entry # 8: Putting the CAN back in Cannibal
Interesting take. However, consider some of the lines: " But that wasn't why they'd come." "No, they had come for justice..." The tenses used made me wonder: were we hearing the POV character's thoughts first-hand, or were we watching a documentary with commentary after the fact? One version is not necessarily preferable or proper above the other, but I got a sense that both were being employed here.

1st: Entry # 1: The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
2nd: Entry # 7: I Ate My Finger
3rd: Entry # 4: How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
Title: Entry # 4: How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

S!
S!...C!

E#2 Blood on My Hands
The title imemdiately brings to mind something dark guilty ridden and wihtout the synopsis it would seem the focus is on guilt.
This is a very comtemplative piece (which is the kind I like) and the focus has obviosluy gone away from Jervis as MC, which may not be in keeping with the synopsis - but hey, it's one way to go. The line "He was it's last chance for survival" has two interpretations I think: Zombie need Carson to uh... "live" or Humanity needs Zombie to survive. I'm not sure which. While it was a fluent read, I cannot say it sparked curiosity.

E#3 Second Reign
Interesting title that hints at a turning of tides and fits well with this story, though, again, it is too general for me.
The story opens well but loses me in the second line. Rorlan seems very attentive to howls and voices - but it seems more like a device to give the reader an auditory experience and for some reason it doesn't work. Maybe it comes too early. I love the last line, but I feel the story hasn't earned that impact of that line yet. I think it would be hard to do in just 13 lines. As far as hook is concerned I think revealing that the zombies have a masterplan kind of fizzles the hook - but that's just me.

E#4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
Good Gawd what a title. This would certainly make me look twice when crossing a bookshelf and probably pull the book out for a skim.
The first line caught me off guard and it took me a while to realize Jery was standing in front of a vending machine. I think haveing that visual first would have been hilarious. This piece is clearly over-the-top humour as the synopsis demanded. It reads really well and while there is the overall hook of is Jerry a zombie, and how the heck did he geta job - there is the thing about the fingers. Overall, I feel I might read on a bit.

E#5 Night of a Living
Haha, I figured someone would directly refer to the classic movie, which is probably good marketing. But other than that...not sure.
Took me a while to just read the first sentence, and the figure out what Jerval and get the visual down. I have to say it's kind of out there. The last lines of the paragraph read okay, they don't seems to be in the same voice. The badger line makes me think the piece is actually meant to be a bit humorous. Sort of like an action/comedy thing. This piece has it's moments.

E#6 One is the lonliest number
Title, one again, is too vague I think. I'm not sure if a reader would appreciate such a title being about a zombie story, but then again...
I actually felt a little twinge for poor lonely Jerval. The lines read smoothly and the hook was clearly about finding his wife (or so it seemed to me). That said there is nothing much more that propels me to read further. This the kind a of story that I would read middle parts to geta hint of what the story would be like. If it seems like a zombie Constant Gardner kind of story...that would be interesting.

E#7 I Ate my Finger
This title has teeth, and it clearly gives a taste of what the reader will get from reading the story. It certianly will draw the eye of the editor and a passing reader.
Goodness the visual of a zombie clown is just - awesome! The biting (he-he) sarcasm does jump of the page. I'd read on just to see how it progresses, but I've read stories like this before and sarcasm can get pretty old quick unless you got skills. But still it gets the reader.

E#8 Putting the CAN back in Cannibal
The title points to something humerous, but it feels very different from the ascerbic tone of the narrative. I feel this might put off some readers.
The whole piece reads like a zombie on the edge with anger management issue. I get what the author is trying to do, but for some reason it didn't work for me. Maybe it came on too early too fast, or maybe it just caught me off guard or in mood that didn't favor zombie angst. I think it was trying to be humerous but for this kind of humor to work, I think the reader has to identify, get on the side of, the (zombie) narrator.

Title: How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Entry 1 The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
I like the title it adds an element of suspense, making me wonder if Jerval will be a naughty zombie. I liked the thirteen lines overall, thought I don't think it would be clear that Jerval is a zombie to someone who hadn't read the synopsis.

Entry 2 Blood on my Hands
Interesting title, I'm wondering if it's foreshadowing Doctor Carson doing something bad. I like the different view point of the doctor but I have no clue why he wants to help the zombie and how does he have a grenade at the end? I like this take on the story though.

Entry 3 Second Reign
Interesting take with the zombies trying to regain control. I'm not very hooked though, Rorlan is not sympathetic enough for me.

Entry 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

When I first read this entry I laughed out loud, and not just a slight chuckle. My husband looked over at me and asked what was so funny. While it's not as funny on the second reading I love something that can make me laugh.

Entry 5 Night of the Living
Kind of a funny image, I liked this one. Cute title.

Entry 6 One is the Loneliest Number
I'm pretty sure using lyrics in your title is a big no no, but if they weren't lyrics then the title would be great. Interesting take on the zombie remebering and missing his old life and even staying with his wife once he's a zombie.

Entry 7 I Ate My Finger
I really liked Alan Masterson and the zombie. The more I read it the funnier I thought it. I liked how it kept the zombies how I imagine them, more like mindless eaters who can't reason well.

Best title - How the Living dead can succeed in business without really trying.

This one required multiple readings to understand. But I liked that you didn’t try to cram gobs of info in. I’ll read further.

Entry # 2 Blood On My Hands

I really liked the implied sci-fi plot of this one. I would never pick up a zombie story, but this one sounds good. But I thought he only had a baseball bat, so where did the grenade come from?

Entry # 3 Second Reign

The last line sounds a little forced, too much like a synopsis. And why would the mob be fearful while on the hunt? Seems like they might be excited then, and then tense at the end.

Entry # 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

I didn’t get the “A7” or the reason why his fingers had fallen off until I read other people’s comments. It was interesting as far as it went, but it definitely read like an SNL skit.

Entry # 5 Night of the Living

I don’t think this was the best choice for an opening. The guy is running for his life, and being quite clever while doing it, and yet…what do we care? We don’t even know him. All this drama and suspense is wasted because, without caring about the character, it doesn’t touch the reader at all.

Entry # 6 One is the Loneliest Number

My biggest issue is that his wife might have been caught, and he didn’t seem to care about that. “and now he feared he was all alone.” Seems like a pretty cold and selfish way to describe his feelings after his wife is captured by barbarians. I guess that we have to read all these through a zombie lens, but still. I’m not sure that a cold character like that could carry a whole novel.

Entry # 7 I Ate My Finger

This one was way too cruel for me. The zombie is just someone inflicted with a disease. A disease that’s crippled his mind. I could never laugh at that or read a book from the POV of someone who did. Alan seemed a little better than the rest, but he was still taunting him. It was very uncomfortable. I realize that zombies are horror-creatures, and I’d usually be on board to hate them, but these guys are just too similar to schoolyard bullies for me to be with them.

I found a lot of clever titles this week but one was favored over the rest with 5 votes.

Best Title entry # 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Once again, every entry received at least one vote.

First Entry # 7 I Ate My Finger 31 points

Second Entry # 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying 25 points

Third Entry # 1 The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing 17 points

Now for the authors.

Snapper Entry # 1 The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Scott Entry # 2 Blood On My Hands

Crank Entry # 3 Second Reign

Rich entry # 4 How the Living Dead Can Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Billawa Boy Entry # 5 Night of the Living

Philocinemas Entry # 6 One is the Loneliest Number

Skadder Entry # 7 I Ate My Finger

Betsyhammer Entry # 8 Putting the CAN back in Cannibal

Nice job everyone. Posting the next challenge very soon.

Entry one, A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing, is mine. I expanded it to a Flash fiction piece and just sold it to Space Squid (they like funny zombies).

Congratulations to the man that got off his arse and wrote the real winner in the only real competition--the getting published one.

Well done, snapper.