13 line hook challenge # 5 entries - Hatrack River Writers Workshop


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Author	Topic: 13 line hook challenge # 5 entries
snapper Member	posted February 23, 2009 10:56 PM Entry # 1 Living Art in the Dragons' Lair Amelia fell from Hansuke's forced embrace as the tokonoma shuddered from a violent seaquake. The translucent control ribbon twisted around their bodies maintained their individual poses, even as Amelia lay on the smooth floor of the gallery. Hansuke gazed at her in worry. She smiled up at him in response. If she were hurt, he doubted she would show pain. "What was that?" he asked. Though she understood little Japanese, she might guess his meaning. She commented merrily in English. In the unknown number of years since the dragons had captured his fishing vessel, no seaquake had moved the dragons' underwater lair as to separate him and the American woman. Their poses, chosen and directed by the dragon Artist, trapped them in IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted February 23, 2009 10:57 PM Entry # 2 Visions in the abyss The fishing had not been good today. He sighed and turned the small boat back toward the island. There would not be enough for Miyoko to sell in the market. She would hide her disappointment; he would know he had failed her again. And now, a storm raced toward him, the water black and choppy. Not a storm, he thought, but as if the wind were dipping into the water, throwing up great gouts of foam and sea. But here the seas were calm, no wind filled his sails. The storm pressed down on him, stopped, then slid silently back into the ocean leaving a great dark vessel but a stone’s throw. Smooth and round, it hovered over the water, a dark shadow. His thoughts flew to Miyoko. An unseen door opened, a figure silhouetted against the bright light, and then all was dark. IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted February 23, 2009 11:02 PM Entry # 3 Crossing Boundaries Shiro Yuu fought the urge to touch Amelia’s red hair. It wasn’t his emotion, but was generated by the chip in his head. He had never liked red hair. His wife, Airi, had sleek black hair and a delicate figure. Amelia was taller than he liked and had a fuller figure still, he felt his pulse quicken when he looked at her. He turned from her, and instead of the open field that had been behind him a cliff face loomed up, blocking any escape. He kicked the cliff. It felt solid but he knew it was only a holographic illusion reinforced by the chip in his head. Damn those aliens. He loved his wife. When he promised to love only her, he meant it. They treated him like a figurine they could place in any position. IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted February 23, 2009 11:03 PM Entry # 4 Queen of the Air as Still Life The alien turned Amelia's head so that she was looking up at the gray ceiling. She felt Toshiro being positioned below her, feeling his rough hands on her thighs. Her own hands were placed on the top of Toshiro's head. Both were naked. Though she was aware that they were in a suggestive pose, she no longer felt any embarrassment or fear. They had both been captive a long time. The alien chittered, and stepped back from its work. The agitation from the alien increased. Amelia knew from experience it was having a difficult time with the current work of art. IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted February 23, 2009 11:58 PM Entry # 5 Prisoners from Earth Thigpal closed to within four parfils. The primitive, native craft was so far away from land that it had to be lost. Palaraf fidgeted. The ends of his fingers suctioned on Thigpal’s chair, a nervous habit he couldn’t break. “Is this wise, prominent one? This craft is rare for their kind, unlike the floating vessel we seized. It may be missed.” “Nonsense. This is perfect opportunity for us to study their most advanced machinery. Prepare the tentagrip.” The natives attempted to escape, first banking then diving away from the Voriss. They impressed Thigpal, but their efforts where as useless as a typafly trying to avoid a varlmar. He positioned the Voriss over the fixed-wing craft. “Deploy, Palaraf!” The tentagrip shot out from the open bay door, wrapping around IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted February 24, 2009 12:00 AM Entry # 6 How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth It wasn't fear of my Martian jailers, or the discomfort of my underground cell, or even the nervous ramblings of my Japanese roommate that had me jumping out of skin. All I wanted in the whole world at that moment was a cigarette. Shiro muttered under his breath, and continued his agitated pacing of the smooth white cube that had been our home for the last eight years. I opened my mouth to try soothing him, and snapped it shut when the concussive roar of an explosion rattled my teeth. The room lurched sideways drunkenly. Jagged earthen cracks split the featureless white walls, raining down rocks and dirt on our heads. The wall where the door always hissed into existence had caved outward, spilling into the dark hall beyond. I motioned to Shiro and crawled towards it. IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted February 25, 2009 09:59 PM Entry # 7 Title: Double Take Amelia Earhart awoke to find herself naked and confined within a mysterious column of white light. There was no sign of her plane, the Electra, or of her navigator, Fred Noonan, or of the ocean for that matter. There was only the harsh light. At first, she thought this was the entrance to heaven. But as her body rose into the air and began to contort and pose as if held up by a thousand invisible strings, she came to believe this was her first step into hell. A man fell from above and impacted hard on the floor. He was also naked. She could tell he was Asian by his narrow eyes and tan skin. His limp body rose up into the air alongside her. Someone strolled into the room and stood below them. It appeared to be Fred. "This is my body. Call me Noonan," he said. IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted March 01, 2009 09:10 PM Times up! You may start the voting. IP: Logged
satate Member	posted March 01, 2009 11:33 PM I guess I'll go first. #1 Living Art in the Dragons' Lair I was confused about which POV I was in at first. After the first sentence I thought I was in Amelia's POV and so when Hansuke's POV is made clear I was disoriented. Other than that nice opening. I like the ribbons holding them together. We don't get to see any of Hansuke's issues with the sensualness of the art though. A definite hook here. #2 Visions in the abyss I like how it opens before he is captured. Who is he anyway? There isn't a name. The storm is a bit confusing. The diference between, the water being black and choppy, and huge gusts of water being flown into the air, are very different things to me. Then the next to sentences needed a little more transition. "But here the seas were calm, no wind filled his sails. The storm pressed down on him, stopped, then slid silently back" I started getting a little lost in what was exactly happening. #3 Crossing Boundaries Interesting take with the chip and not being forced into position. I think there could be more of a hook. #4 Queen of the Air as Still Life I like the title. There's not much tension though. She's okay, or accustomed, to what's going on. It lessens the hook. #5 Prisoners from Earth A lot of big wierd words, probably too many for the first thirteen. It really slows down the reading. #6 How I convinced the Martians to destroy the earth. Wierd but hooking title, I like it. Nice first line. It sets the tone and give us the setting rather fast. The action begins a little soon for me. I was just settling in to read more about Amelia and their off running. We don't get to see why they are captured, or what the Martians are doing with them. I like the light, comical tone though. #7 Double Take I like this one. I like that it starts just as Amelia is discovering it all. I think it's interesting that the alien takes Fred's body too. First - #7 Double Take Second - #6 How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth Third - #1 Living Art in the Dragons' Lair Best Title - How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth IP: Logged
rich Member	posted March 03, 2009 03:43 PM I really liked the idea behind this one; almost like a Slaughterhouse Five kinda story. #1 Living Art in the Dragon's Lair I like that we're in the fisherman's POV, and I've got no complaints about it. I'd read on. #2 Visions in the Abyss I'm not digging this one too much. Again, good move on the POV, but I keep thinking this all could've been said in about one sentence. I'm going to pass. #3 Crossing Boundaries I'm not sure I understand how Yuu-san doesn't like red hair. I mean, I don't know that there were that many Japanese sporting red hair back in the day. Off-putting, perhaps, but "had never liked"? I like the chip idea, though, but why does he know about it? I'd probably pass. (I like that the first three are using the Japanese fisherman's POV 'cause I would've expected it from Amelia's POV; are the first three written by guys?) #4 Queen of the Air as Still Life Took me a sec to get around that title; doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. As far as the rest of it...eh. Doesn't move me one way or the other. Probably pass. #5 Prisoners from Earth A no-nonsense title. And from the alien's POV! I'd read on just to see where this is going. #6 How I Convinced Martians to Destroy the Earth Another no-nonsense title, though I'm not married to the no-nonsense titles. But it matches the tone of the piece. I'd read on. #7 Double Take Interesting. I like that the aliens are using other human bodies to interact with the prisoners. Actually, that's probably a smart choice as it enables the writer to give exposition in a friendly manner instead of trying to figure out how (if at all) the prisoners are supposed to communicate with the aliens. I'd read on. Strangely enough I'm going to agree with satate's assessments on the top three, which really bothers me 'cause I'm a contrarian at heart and I don't like agreeing with anyone. Maybe I'll get over it. I know. I'll go sulk and pout. That always works. Best Title: Double Take (I like that it could stand for quite a few things) First: #7 Double Take Second: #6 How I Convinced Martians to Destroy the Earth Third: #1 Living Art in the Dragon's Lair IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted March 03, 2009 04:13 PM Entry # 1 Living Art in the Dragons' Lair Loved the title. It took me a couple of readings to realize this was in Hansuke’s Pov. Because I knew the synopsis, I could assemble what this opening is about. Without it I would have been hopelessly confused. Entry # 2 Visions in the abyss I would have thrown out the first paragraph and replaced it with probably a sentence. The rest though, I thought was on the right track. I’m kinda hooked. Entry # 3 Crossing Boundaries Hmmm, the fisherman and Amelia are marionette puppets. Not sure what I think of that. It is original. Entry # 4 Queen of the Air as Still Life Living statues? Hmmm, makes me wonder if they get bathroom breaks. Too sudden of a start for my tastes Entry # 5 Prisoners from Earth Hey! These words aren’t in my dictionary! I lost track what was a name, device, ship, animal, etc… Entry # 6 How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth Great first paragraph, then I was playing catch up with what was happening. Same problem most of them have, if I didn’t read the synopsis, I wouldn’t know what is going on. Entry # 7 Double Take Nice! The only one to mention Amelia’s navagator. I had no problem piecing this one together. Loved her body rose into the air and began to contort and pose as if held up by a thousand invisible strings,. Very vivid and I liked her perspective of the events. Favorite Title Entry # 1 Living Art in the Dragons' Lair First Entry # 7 Double Take Second Entry # 6 How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth Third Entry # 2 Visions in the abyss Another good challenge. Thanks to everyone that participated. IP: Logged
philocinemas Member	posted March 04, 2009 11:05 PM Entry #1: Living Art in the Dragon’s Lair I liked the title and the use of the “control ribbon” in explaining their poses. The second sentence was difficult to follow – commas could have separated “twisted around their bodies” from the rest. The “What was that?” line was also confusing, because it was not understood by Amelia – I think. Which brings me to POV – this appeared to be inconsistent. Entry #2: Visions in the abyss I liked this title too, but the prose is what caught me – excellent. I could see where there might be some confusion with the wind “dipping into the water…” and then “…no wind filled his sails”, but I saw the words “as if” at the beginning and understood. The opening of the door of the mysterious vessel was a solid finishing touch for this clever hook. Entry #3: Crossing Boundaries I liked the image of the holographic room. It must be something about second sentences this week – this didn’t read right to me either. It felt like it needed a greater contradiction or be made into a compound sentence. I also didn’t buy Shiro’s issues with Amelia’s appearance. I believe he’d focus on his feelings of guilt instead. The voice seemed off. Entry #4: Queen of the Air as Still Life Another great title. Reading this, I pictured them being positioned like statues of clay. This opening felt purposely uncomfortable, but it read well. I also liked that the alien did not speak to them intelligibly. I could see this becoming a three-way communication failure. However, I felt the hook was a little weak. Entry #5: Prisoners from Earth I liked seeing the aliens’ perspective. I think this would have been much better without substituting the unknown words. “Calling a rabbit a ‘smeerp’” doesn’t mean it’s not a rabbit. I understand they would have different plants and creatures, but there should be English equivalents to the equipment and measurements. Regardless of the language, I felt the hook was weak. Entry #6: How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth I liked the voice, and the use of first person. However, there was never any indication of who or of what gender the speaker was. Also, this opening seemed to be bypassing the whole “human art” part of the story line, unless it used flashbacks. The “what happened” and “finding their way out” hooks were strong. Entry #7: Double Take It was a cool title, and I liked that the alien was using a human body – I assume. It wasn’t clear whether Fred was already an alien or if an alien had just taken over his body or even if he was an alien at all. Also, the “white light” was very cliché. However, the imagery was good, and it was easy to read. Title: Living Art in the Dragon’s Lair 1st: Visions in the abyss 2nd: How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth 3rd: Queen of the Air as Still Life IP: Logged
LAJD Member	posted March 05, 2009 06:21 PM #1 Living Art in the Dragons' Lair The first two lines were confusing to me. I think if Tokonoma had been capitalized I would have been less confused – I assume it is a proper name? And the second line read awkwardly for me. However, once I understood it, I liked the concept of a control ribbon. The ‘merrily’ comment also seemed a bit out of place. The tone of the rest is ominous and that word seemed incongruous. #2 Visions in the abyss You lost me with the storm. Too much going on to be hooky. I did like the first paragraph, though. #3 Crossing Boundaries . Pretty hooky. I liked the tension that you immediately set up. Good job. #4 Queen of the Air as Still Life. You had me until the line about her being aware that they were in a ‘suggestive’ pose. It sounded artificial to me. You would have kept me if you had said something like, ‘she could remember when her husband held her like this and it sent a quiver of longing up her spine - but not anymore, she had been captive here and gone from him for a long time…” or something like that anyway. 8) #5 Prisoners from Earth . I have a hard time with new words at the beginning of any story. I tend to mull on the words and lose the thread. You lost me at parfils. #6 How I convinced the Martians to destroy the earth.  I totally love the first paragraph. It sets a funny tone that matches the title. You might want to not have the disaster in the first 13 though. More along the line of the first paragraph that reveals what they are doing would work because you have the Martian tie-in in the title, I would read a lot of non-SciFi stuff to get to the meat promised in that title. #7 Double Take  OK, hooked. Love the tie in to Fred the alien. Great job. First - #7   Double Take Second - #3   Crossing Boundaries Third - #6 How I convinced the Martians to destroy the earth Best Title - How I convinced the Martians to destroy the earth IP: Logged
skadder Member	posted March 06, 2009 02:20 PM This challenge had been going on since 15th Feb, perhaps time to close it and start a new one? Just a thought... IP: Logged
rich Member	posted March 06, 2009 04:47 PM I second that. Or set the final final deadline this weekend, with the new one going up on Monday morning. IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted March 07, 2009 12:40 AM Okay, okay. Posted the next challenge. Waiting for Alliedfive and aspirit. I'll give them until Sunday to vote. IP: Logged
aspirit Member	posted March 07, 2009 04:34 AM Two Shiros and a Toshiro? That's an interesting coincidence. Entry #1: Living Art in the Dragon’s Lair The placement of Amelia's name before Hansuke's is a bit misleading... Entry #2: Visions in the abyss I like the writing, yet this opening didn't hook me. Entry #3: Crossing Boundaries I like the conflict. Shiro's struggling with himself and his situation, which can go any number of ways. Add a "her" between "liked" and "red" and there's no anachronism. I would read more. Entry #4: Queen of the Air as Still Life The title is awkward; I had to read it a couple times to accept its rhythm. I'm curious about the alien, so I'd read more. Entry #5: Prisoners from Earth Surprising perspective for this challenge, though perhaps too much of a surprise. I can't imagine how the story will show more than an experiment with an inferior people (humans). The foreign words don't bother me. Entry #6: How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth Great voice. Creative angle. Commanding female character. I'm guessing this would be a flash story, because of the speed of the opening. Entry #7: Double Take The voice seems wrong for Amelia Earhart, perhaps too modern or clinical. I would've liked more of her thoughts and feelings. For example, why does Amelia suspect the man who walks in is something other than Fred when he hasn't yet spoken? Title: Visions in the Abyss 1st: How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth 2nd: Crossing Boundaries 3rd: Queen of the Air as Still Life IP: Logged
alliedfive Member	posted March 08, 2009 09:21 PM Entry # 1 - Living Art in the Dragons' Lair - Thoughts: What’s a tokonoma? I like the translucent control ribbons. I like the scene that is set, the prose is tight. Hook is present. Cool title. Nice job. Entry # 2 - Visions in the abyss - I think the sentence that begins “The storm pressed down...” is missing a word or something. This is an interesting beginning. I like it, and the hook is present, but I feel like you’ve left out so may major parts of the summary, that this could be the start of a different story. Entry # 3 - Crossing Boundaries - I like the idea of the chip, and the hook is there. I like the way you describe Amelia by having him compare her to his wife; slick. This opening could use some cutting. I feel like it could be about half this long. Entry # 4 - Queen of the Air as Still Life - This one does a good job of hitting all the points in the summary (except who Amelia is). It’s an cool scene, but ultimately lacking conflict. Amelia even mentions that she feels no embarrassment or fear, which saps any conflict. This one needs a stronger hook. Entry # 5 - Prisoners from Earth - Parfils? This opening is interesting because you chose the alien perspective and had a cool action scene. The problem is that you pack in so many alien words that I got lost and disinterested. Also, what’s the conflict? We don’t know the person in the plane, so I don’t care if they capture him. Entry # 6 - How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth - This one moves a little too quick, and does a poor job informing the reader about what/where the characters are. Entry # 7 - Double Take - This one is really good. Tight, informative prose. Hits all the summary points. Hook is present. I really like the last sentence. Nice job. Best title: Living Art in the Dragon’s Lair 1st: Entry #7 - Double Take 2nd: Entry #1 – Living Art.. 3rd: Entry #3 – Crossing Boundaries IP: Logged
snapper Member	posted March 08, 2009 11:10 PM Another good challenge. Every entry got at least two votes, except for Prisoners From Earth (author is such a poser). Here's the winners Best title Living Art in the Dragons' Lair First Double Take Second How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth Third Crossing Boundaries Here are the authors Aspirit Entry # 1 Living Art in the Dragons' Lair LAJD Entry # 2 Visions in the abyss Satate Entry # 3 Crossing Boundaries Rich Entry # 4 Queen of the Air as Still Life Snapper Entry # 5 Prisoners from Earth Alliedfive Entry # 6 How I convinced Martians to destroy the earth Philocinemas Entry # 7 Double Take IP: Logged
philocinemas Member	posted March 09, 2009 10:36 PM Thank you. BTW, just in case anyone is interested, the word "take" is also the Japanese word for "mushroom". I was originally going to name it "Gone Fission", but then thought about using a Japanese word instead - hence "Double Take" (two mushrooms). Not that anyone really cares, but I just thought I'd throw that out there. Arrgh! IP: Logged
aspirit Member	posted March 10, 2009 01:31 AM Congrats, cap'n--I mean, philocinemas. alliedfive, a tokonoma is a display alcove in a traditional Japanese room. I saw so many of them in my husband's copy of Japanese Homes and Their Surroundings, by Edward S. Morse, that I figured they were common until very recently. I also figured the Japanese word would help in an early identification of the POV. So, I figured wrong on at least one count. I really liked the prompt. (Good job, Sheena!) Is anyone here planning on completing their story? *Edited becuase I still try to combine UBB and HTML. [This message has been edited by aspirit (edited March 11, 2009).] IP: Logged
rich Member	posted March 10, 2009 07:56 AM I would love to do this one, but it seems like a novel to me. Plus I still don't know where to begin it. This one I'd probably write my way into it, then abandon the first 20k words 'cause by then I'd figure out where it's supposed to go/what it's supposed to do. IP: Logged
shimiqua Member	posted March 10, 2009 10:43 AM Rich, that was my problem exactly. I like the idea but have no idea how to write it. If someone does write it, please send it to me so I can see how you did it. ~Sheena IP: Logged
LAJD Member	posted March 11, 2009 01:13 AM Congrats! Great job. Hey, I hear the best capn's say "Grog all around!" 8) Leslie IP: Logged

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