Illegal Aliens

Entry # 1 Bananarama and the Xenomaniacs

Love the title. It's that kind of title that would make me flip to the story and read the first 13 at least. Good job. Your 13 are right in line with the title, funny and wry. I would expect that if I were in the mood for some alien humor, I would read right on. A couple of nits, in the first line you say he is 'chafed and bewildered' but then in the next line he is contemptuous. IMHO those are different, very different and probably don't belong together, (in a Sesame Street sort of way). I think it works better if the Colonel continues to be bewildered and a bit muddled.

Entry #2 The Way the Future is Made

I like the first line (first three sentences). It gives the rest an ominous tone. However, I doubt that the Doctor would feel the boy's head, that's a mommy-thing. KInd of lost it for me. The lying mom at the end could have been stronger.

Entry #3 Illegal Aliens

I don't see a strong hook here, for me. I get that he is on the bus being harassed by a nutcase, but why is this be important? Is the nutcase an alien-killer? Has he been stalking Ban? Does the nutcase that for the first time actually have real information and is about to expose Ban? You could drop a leading line here and pump up the hook considerably.

Best Title:
Entry # 1 Bananarama and the Xenomaniacs

First: Entry # 1 Bananarama and the Xenomaniacs
second: Entry #3 Illegal Aliens
third Entry #2 The Way the Future is Made

Good job everyone, I have been reading Sol Stein's "Stein on Writing" he has some pretty good ideas and suggestions on how to make a good hook. He also is a big fan of the strong hook. Of coures, I started reading this *after* I submitted my 13!
LOL

Leslie

Second - Entry # 1 Bananarama and the Xenomaniacs

Colonel Scratchassy? Was General Bodeeodor too busy? Major Jokitch reassigned? I hope Private Vasyneeded was at least standing guard. I have to admit, the name made me laugh which alone would keep me reading.

Entry # 3 Illegal Aliens

It’s mine. It sucked.

I liked #1 the best. I grew up in the SF Bay Area and loved the imagery. It was totally outside the box. A little hookless, but a joy to read. I would be driven to read on to continue the experience. I wasn't enchanted with the title, however.

The Way the Future is Made actually had the best hook of the three. There is more dramatic tension lying beneath the placidity of the words. The only moody 13 lines. In fact the hook may be too subtle to drive me on, but it is there.

Last, but not least,#3 Illegal Aliens. It wasn't as crisp or as profane as #1, but I did like the slam on the clod. That was nearly artistic, but I do remember hearing a similar sentiment somewhere. It was relatively hookless as well. The unspoken question, What Now? wasn't answered.

And Snapper, it didn't suck! 8)

But for what it's worth, I liked both the first and second entries. 1 had a better title just for its wackiness, but to be honest I'd probably pick 2 to read first out of the two (I was always the sort of kid who stared off into space for long periods of time as a rule). I'd definitely read them both.

I agree that 3 didn't hook me in quite as well as the other two. I appreciate the humor of it, a conspiracy nut badgering a real life alien (hybrid). And I thought it was a good score, shutting him down by mentioning that aliens with such advanced technology probably wouldn't be "crashing" all over the place.