Here goes my first market challenge as chief slave-driver. Hopefully I can be as efficient as Talespinner.

Please post your first thirteen in this thread by April 11th, using the following format:
Title:
Word count:
Genre:

First thirteen:

Please do not post anything else in this thread. For discussions and questions, and to see how this group works, please use the ‘Open Discussions’ thread.

I’ll post instructions in this thread as and when necessary.
For reference here’s the overall monthly cycle:

By the 11th day of the month everyone is invited to post first 13s. The earlier the better, so that people have more time to choose which stories tickle their fancy for full crits.

This week is not time for writing since the stories should be ready for market, but just recognizing that we can't all get to things immediately.

During the week after entries close, we
- grade first 13s
- request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story we'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 we scored highly). The more, the better.

By the last day of the month we
- grade at least one manuscript
- grade more stories if we want to (e.g. those that have great first 13s in addition to our favourites)

The "end of the day" is the end of the day in your local time. There's no need to be more precise than that.

Cheers,

Nick

Dark Modern Fantasy Horror Thingy (This does contain a little sexual content and some ickyness...its probably around R rated or a pretty heavy PG-13. I figure the "horror" part indicates that as a possibility, but just making sure.)

3,700 words

Zeljko was both anxious and excited as he went into the club that night, but the first thing that struck him was how much it reminded him of the factory where he worked. Its stink of smoke, sweat and desperation mirrored the plant’s reek of smoke, sweat and desperation, and the pounding of the music was little different from the pounding of the machines. It was comforting, and Zeljko found that fact vaguely disturbing.
The design and décor reinforced his initial impressions; metal catwalks stretched along black-stained walls between the concrete floor and bare-girder ceiling, while red and yellow spotlights covered the dance floor in smelting-plant illumination. He almost laughed when he saw that the bar was a section of rusted-out conveyor belt.

quote:

---

I can’t quite recall the first time I could smell someone's imminent death. What I do remember clearly is when I first put things together and realized what that bitter scent indicated. I suppose it was always there on some level, but not having had much previous exposure to human death, it’s impossible to say for sure.

Da was the Sewer Master for our district and took us boys with him when he went to work. It was early in the spring, just as the snows were starting to melt. Soon the floods would come and flush out the sewers, removing the buildup of the previous year. My brothers were old enough to make rounds on their own, but Da wanted me close at hand. I was too careless and he wanted to be able to inspect my areas after I’d gone through. As a matter of

---

Hot wind, swift and sand-flecked, rasped Jolo’s face as he approached the shack.

The woman who stood waiting for him was small and thin, and life in the Wastes had taken its toll on her; she looked carved of stone. This place had gone largely untouched by the wars, but these people fought just to survive. She offered no greeting, just set her feet wide and squinted.

Jolo doubted she'd believe that remnants of an ancient sea-faring race lay under her shack, so he kept it simple. “I am called Jolo, madam. I’m a digger, and there’s something that needs digging under your house.”

She spit at his feet and pointed back the way he'd come. “Go home, city man; nothing but rock and dust to dig up here.”

Cassie waited for her system to tag Lana as she played among the other children.‭ Her‬ system tagged two of the figures as‭ ‬matching her daughter’s facial features.‭ ‬Lana Wiley,‭ ‬12‭ ‬months old,‭ ‬female,‭ <‬Kinship tree available‭>,‬ floated‭ ‬in blue letters‭ ‬over both.‭ Cassie sighed and ‬tried to remember what Lana had been wearing, in order to choose the right one.‭ It would be easier when Lana was old enough for a system. As she pondered, t‬he smallest toddled‭ ‬towards her with its arms raised and Cassie tagged it as Lana before picking her up.‭
Cassie's system received Dr.‭ ‬Grant's identity key and tagged him when he walked back into her field of vision.
‭“‬There is something different about Lana isn’t there‭?” she said.‬ She squeezed Lana as the fear of his response wound tight in her gut.

Lieutenant Everett Monson singled out a thin red wire, unhooked it from the receiver box and turned it this way and that to make sure he had the right one. Please let this work, he thought. His hands trembled as he touched the wire tip to his electrical prod and thumbed the ON switch.

“Excuse me, but am I dreaming?” a voice echoed through the empty docking bay.

Everett jumped, and the wire sparked. He dropped it with a yell, then banged his head on the top of the ship’s access panel.

“Ow! Damn it!” He looked around, rubbing the sore spot and cussing.

The dark smothered me like a blanket, hot and oppresive. I feared it for something lurked beyond, a truth I feared to face. And so like a coward I took refuge in dreams, though they offered little comfort.

I saw the kalthan as I had seen it first, massive and fierce, its thick flanks almost touching the sides of the narrow ravine. The battleground offered little room to evade, more to the kalthan's favor than ours.

Twice the height of a man with a hide only the strongest warrior could pierce, skittering on all fours with unearthly grace, the only place to truly assail the monster was at its legs. But to do so was perilous; a warrior could defeat a bear unaided, but even in legends two had always been required to

[This message has been edited by Natej11 (edited April 05, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Natej11 (edited April 05, 2009).]

“Barmaid, another tankard of ale.” Garlin called.

“Don’tcha think you’ve had too much?”

“My Lady, of course I have.”

The barmaid could see his face through the misty haze of inebriation. Garlin could see lots of hazes in the pub.

“You’re that magician fella at the castle, aren’tcha?”

“I certainly was.”

“Why don’t you cast a spell and get us rid of all these blinking emotes?”

“What a good idea. I have already resolved to do so. Pardon me while I contemplate how.” Garlin put his head down and immediately started to snore.

As I've got a long drive up over the Easter weekend, I'll take a look at everyone's stories if you send them through ASAP (obviously I'm not driving myself).

Regards,

The Strange Machinery of Desire
6
There’s a lot of description and comparison but not much action beyond simply walking inside the club. I don’t mind a story starting off with description, but I think it has to give me something unique. Also, I think the words “where he worked” in the first sentence could be cut. I would keep reading, but the story would have to catch my attention pretty quick for me to continue through the whole thing.

A Breath of Dead Air
7
The first sentence is fantastic. The rest flows well, but it’s somewhat wordy. I think it would benefit from trimming about 10-20% of the word count. The premise is intriguing enough to keep me reading.

Digger
6
You do a good job with the imagery. The sand-flecked wind is good, and I feel like I can see the woman and her shack. My main concern: too much information too fast. There are the Wastes, and a war and an ancient sea-faring race. I don’t think all of that has to be thrown at the reader all at once at the top of the story.

At Face Value
7
In reading just the first sentence, I wasn’t sure whether the “she” referred to Lana or Cassie. I like that you’ve introduced a technology without explaining exactly what it is and what it does right up front. I want to keep reading to find out what’s going on. I do have a certain amount of skepticism, however, about how a woman wouldn’t recognize her own daughter. I hope that aspect is explained quickly because on its own, it doesn’t seem plausible to me.

Coffin Full of Lies
8
Love it. I’m hooked. I would definitely keep reading. (I assume, though, in the actual copy you don’t blot out the cussing.) I’m not sure what the speculative element is here – maybe why Jack didn’t die. I do wonder how good a coffin a 9-year-old could actually make. Maybe he thought it was great back then, but he knows now – however much later now is – that it wasn’t all that.

Walks With a Limp
4
This strikes me as lacking in specifics. Who is the narrator? Is he/she in a battle or just remembering one or dreaming one? Where does this take place? Is it sci-fi or fantasy? (OK, I know the answer to that one from the genre tag, but not from the text itself.) There’s not much meat here for me to sink my teeth into.

The Strange Machinery of Desire
5
I think the first sentence could use a bit of attention. It feels very distant, when the rest of the lines feel closer and more immediate. Good descriptions, good analying the descriptions through Zeljko's lense. I just don't understand what this story is about. So far I get that a guy walks into a bar and the only thing he thinks about is work. Maybe a bit of his motivation for going into the club that night would be helpful. Maybe Zeljko went to the club to kill a man, to get some action, to steal a magic book. Anything would work, I just need to know what he is doing in order to care about him.

A Breath of Dead Air
6
I've read this one before, and still I love this first line. My issue is with the lines after the first that you've changed. Way too wordy for the voice. It feels too educated. I can almost hear the dropped Rs. It just feels inconsistent to me. But I like this story, it just those two lines after the first that get me.

Digger
7
Definite hook here, an ancient seafaring race lay under her shack in the middle of the desert. Wha?
Awesome. I do want to know more about why he is there, and how he know for certain, but trust you'll give me that information presently. I Dig it.

At Face Value.
6
Is cassie a android? I like the idea that a mother depends so heavily on machinery that she cannot completely tell which child is hers. You're going to have to work very hard to convince me of that though because I'm a mom, and I know my children from a hundred paces. It's instintual. I buy that technology can confuse instinct, but your going to have to work really hard to make it feel honest. Good start though. I'm buying it so far.

Father of Spaceflight
6
So he jumps and drops the wire, the hits his head and yells, and then you give him a quote saying "Ow!" I don't know, but I get what your saying without the quote. I personally would cut from He dropped it with.... spot and cussing. Doesn't feel necessary to me and gets in the way of the story. Interesting though. A robot thinking he's dreaming, and there's some urgency to do... something. A bit of clarifying would help.

Walks with a Limp.
7
The first three lines are beautiful, poetic, and a bit unclear. I get that it is dark and he's scared of the dark, and he's hiding in dreams, though I'm not sure how. Is he dreaming of the kalthan? I like it though. I has this interesting flavor, and great voice. I am more than interested in whats happening, and would definitely read more.

Heart on a Sleeve
8
“What a good idea. I have already resolved to do so. Pardon me while I contemplate how.” Garlin put his head down and immediately started to snore.

Brilliant. Funny. Loved it. That in itself is the hook to me, although I have some questions as to the pov, and what the heck a blinking emote is? But I'd be interested enough to keep reading. What a funny voice.

Seems pretty good to me. The only thing I noticed at all was the "I was to careless" part. It could be said that something like "He felt I was to careless" might be better, since its maybe unlikely the character thinks of himself as careless.

Digger-8

Very nicely done. Some feel for setting, good characterization. It is a little dense with information, but I, at least, didn't feel overwhelmed.

At Face Value-7

Nicely written, although I do wonder exactly what a "system" is specfically. It feels like it should be a "*** system." I also wonder why some sort of electronic system for identifying people by their faces is necessary. Of course those things could in themselves be a good "hook" depending on your taste and point of view.

Coffin Full of Lies-8

Nicely done. I find myself wondering why a nine year old is talking/thinking this way, but I'm assuming its an older version thinking back...that was the only thing that gave me pause, but the quality of the writing is such it doesn't much matter.

Father of Spaceflight-6

Nice, but a little confusing. Where did the android come from? Is that what the character is using the wire on? Did he not know it was there? Just needs to be clearer I think.

Walks with a Limp-6

I'm not quite sure whats going on here, if the majority of it is a dream or memory or what. Also skittering with unearthly grace doesn't quite work for me.

Heart on a Sleeve-7

quote:

---

It was comforting, and Zeljko found that fact vaguely disturbing

---

Breath of Dead Air
7
I liked this start. Although I hate to use the term ‘fresh’, I thought the beginning was unique enough to want me to read on.
Full Disclosure: I’ve already given this story a read.

Digger
7
This rated a 7 just for the spit. I liked the image and for the promise of a struggle between the old lady and Jolo yet to come.

At Face Value
5
I had a hard time getting into the zone for this one. The kinship tags seemed to really get in the way for me rather than add to the beginning. I know there is a problem, but I don’t know if it is about Lana or her darned tag or Cassie’s system, whatever that was.

Coffin Full of Lies
7
I liked the sentimental lead-on to the punch line. I’d be a little concerned about the fit and finish of a nine-year old’s work on a coffin, especially a little guy working 11 hours a day. That’s out of character from all the nine-year olds I’ve ever known. The punch line is precious, however.

Father of Spaceflight
6
I liked the setting and the basic sequence of actions. I had a few detail problems. An electrical prod, in my thinking, gets cattle to move along the gangway. An electrical probe can be used to check for continuity. The voice asks if it is dreaming, but I can’t relate to an android saying such a thing standing underneath a wing looking up. I guess, it would get me to read on, just to find out what the heck is going on.

Walks with a Limp
5
We have a flashback as a dream in the second sentence. That classically stops the flow of the oppressive darkness and the fear. There is little action. What is there to draw me in to the story, the darkness and his fears is frittered away by a wikipedia entry about how to fight a huge monster warrior. This might be nicely resolved in the next paragraph or two, but that's how I view the first 13 lines.

The Strange Machinery of Desire - 4 - Your first sentence really bugged me. The “was both anxious and excited” construct is weak and passive. Like he’s just sitting there being anxious and excited. How about some verbs? Then, you say “but” and proceed to explain something totally unrelated to the first half of the sentence. I suggest you start with the factory reminding him of work, how that makes him feel, then move on with the description. Also, not much of a hook, no conflict.

A Breath of Dead Air - 7 - I would read this. Nice work. The bad (or good, depending on how you take it) is that you could say all this in about half the words. Example: The first paragraph could simply read: “I can’t recall the first time I smelled someone’s imminent death. What I do remember clearly, is when I realized what that bitter smell meant.” (I don’t think the third sentence adds anything).

At Face Value - 7 - Nice job. Hooked. You always manage a seriously deep future idea in your stories. This concept has all kinds of wide-ranging implications. Good, tight writing, clear hook.

Coffin Full of Lies - 6 - Whew, killer first line. Good hook. No real complaints, except I didn’t really buy that a 9 year old could construct a usable coffin. Also, horror is not really my thing, so It didn’t suck me in as much as some.

Father of Spaceflight - 4 - It had some nice tension in the first paragraph, but then you sucked it out with the semi-slapstick humor. This left your hook relying solely on interest in the setting, but the setting wasn’t vividly described, which left you with no hook. The writing was a little loose--I think you could cut some words/sentences.

Walks With A Limp - 6 - I like this one. Although, I’m sure you know to be careful with dream sequence openings, as they can be considered cliché. The beast sounds cool in a general way, but we don’t get enough detail to actually picture it. Enough of a hook for me though, I would read on. Also, “a hide only the strongest warrior could pierce” rang pretty pulpy and weak to me.

Sorry for my late addition to this thread, I was unable to access the intrawebs over the Easter Break. I'm no Talespinner.

Shimiqua and AlliedFive, I don't think I've received your stories. Send them through when you get the chance.

Nick

The Strange Machinery of Desire - 6 – As with Allied Five, I think the first sentence can be a lot stronger. While I don’t mind the occasional use of telling for emotions, I do think it has to be carefully placed and I’m not sure that the opening is the best way to do this. I don’t mind the setting and I found a hook in the slight air of unease you create here. The opening 13 isn’t that far off for me.

Digger- 7 - I liked this one. If I had to quibble, I'd break up the 2nd sentence to read [quote]The woman who stood waiting for him was small and thin. Life in the Wastes...[quote]. I think that might save that unwanted fraction of time for the reader to parse the meaning.

A Breath of Dead Air - 6 – The opening works well as a hook, though I think it could be tightened a touch. I’d probably look for another way into the background rather than the direct telling you use in the second paragraph, but it’s not a killer to readability.

Coffin Full of Lies -6 – Great first line, kind of falls away slightly after that for me. The nine-year old making a coffin struck me as a bit unlikely (I sure l don’t know how to make one), but I could wait for the explanation with that killer first line. I’d rather move straight into the story straight after that line though, it seems to be hammering home the point a little too much. All in all though, it's almost there from my perspective.

Father of Spaceflight - 6 – I'm not sure the promise set in the opening paragraph fits what follows... the opening seems like a very tense, action driven opening, followed by an almost slapstick scene. Having said that, the writing is tight and maybe the opening won't matter to most people. There's not much stage setting at this stage, but given it's the opening 13, I don't think that matters.

Walks With A Limp - 5 - This one wasn't working for me. Perhaps I'm too cynical for the dream opening to work or it might be the style. If it's milieu information, I'd probably suggest putting this scene a bit later so that the story can unfold in a more chronological order.

The Strange Machinery of Desire -7- I like the comparisons between the factory and the club and the affect it had on Zeljko. Inner conflict is usually a fairly good hook for me. I think a bit of the comparisons could be trimmed, though. I don’t think you necessarily need to repeat ‘smoke, sweat, and desperation’ after you mention it the first time.

Digger -7- I like this opening. It sets the scene fairly well and I would read on to find out more about the remnants and how Jolo knew they were there. I liked the woman’s reaction, simply stated but effective. I could picture her standing there.

At Face Value -5- This one didn’t quite work for me, but that could just be personal preference. I didn’t follow everything regarding the systems and tags. Cassie not knowing who was Lana right away put me off. This may be explained later in the story, but as a parent, I couldn’t relate to this situation at all.

Title, Coffin Full of Lies -7- I like this opening and I would read on. Showing love for a family member through a well-constructed coffin is unique enough for me to keep my interest and make me want to know more about what goes on inside the head of the MC.

Father of Spaceflight -6- I think the story starts off good with the first paragraph, but then the tone shifts so much that my immersion is ruined. I can understand your MC’s surprise at the voice, but him hitting his head and cursing just doesn’t quite seem to fit with how the piece starts.

Title: Walks With A Limp -6- I’m not sure that this story is opening in the right place to really hook me. If the main character has to have a dream in order to introduce the kalthan, why not start the story there to begin with? I would read on to see how the battle ended, but I think the first paragraph could be taken out completely.

A Breath of Dead Air: 6. I wasn't sure why this ended in a partial sentence. I thought you could have swapped the two paragraphs' positions to begin with some action and then explain his abilities, but I liked the link between the kid working in foulness and being able to sense death. Sounds like the poor guy gets all the downsides of living with humans.

Digger: 5. I didn't see anything in here to suggest it was fantasy. The setup was good enough, but personally I can't find much enthusiasm for the MC's purpose or his location. Archaeology always struck me as boring, and unless it's clear that what he's looking for is immediately interesting and exciting, I wouldn't have much reason to read on.

At Face Value: 8. I thought you did a very good job of showing a futuristic society and a useful and unfamiliar technology as commonplace. The hint that something is wrong with the girl and her mother's obvious concern generates human sympathy. I would keep on reading.

Coffin Full of Lies: 9. I enjoyed this one. Hooked you with pity and then made you laugh and want to know more about both characters. Obviously a close bond between the brothers, and I've always liked a character who does something useful instead of sitting around fretting. The description of the coffin was good as well, and showed you what the boy was thinking as he made it, hinted at his anguish without having to point it out.

Father of Spaceflight: 5. I enjoy sci-fi as much as the next man, but this beginning struck me as cliche pulp category. For one thing I've always hated it when people are introduced with a rank in front of their name. Better to begin with the name they think of themselves with, especially while alone, and introduce their rank and role in conversation with a superior or subordinate. The dialogue seemed a bit stilted to me, and the android's introductory description seemed a bit lackluster, as well as again seeming cliche.

Heart on a Sleeve: 7. I liked the humor of the dialogue, especially how he passes out mid conversation. The dialogue didn't do much for telling me exactly what his role in the castle is, though, and I can't imagine a drunk person saying that first line. If he's on the brink of passing out he's likely already got the barmaid's name and has tried a pass at flirting, and every order is another attempt. Or he's already been rebuffed, and he's ordered enough times that he'd simply wave her over for a refill or say something like "Ale here!" Unfortunately the dialogue doesn't get much better from there :/.

Story Overall-5

This could almost be a six, but theres just too much in the last parts that doesn't work for me.

Character Development-overall a 6

Cassie is well developed. Terri is not, and Ruben almost is but still needs some work, I believe.

Plot-6

Pretty decent but especially the last half or third or so just doesn't work as well for me.

Milieu-6

We get a pretty good sense of this small-community world. I'd suggest giving at least some of the "states" names of some kind or something, as towards the end it became a bit confusing.

Disbelief-5

Mainly I had trouble with the idea that physical beauty could garner a person such power over others, even in the circumstances of the culture portrayed here. Also things like nudity loosing all sexual connotations and the like just didn't seem to fit for me especially not in sci-fi.

Unique-8

Never seen anything quite like this before.

Dialogue-6

A few weak spots here and there especially towards the end, but good overall.

Writing Style-6

As above. Mostly well written, but a couple of spots could use tightening and/or further consideration.

Action: Little to speak of

Understandable-5

I'm still confused in the end about whether Terri was male or female as different pronouns were used along with the term "husband." Likewise all the talk of so and so being from this or that or working for this or that "state" became confusing.

Ending-5

It felt rushed and sudden to me. There seems to be a disconnect in the story and especially the end between future possibility speculation and spy/espionage type stuff. The two can certainly work together but I think both elements need to be more present from begining to end, and I don't think the ending quite fits or that there is enough buildup to it.

I liked the story pretty well, but I think it needs refocusing. The character of Terri and the espionage elements really need to be cleared up and reconciled with the rest of the story.

Story Overall – 7 – I thought this was very effective overall. Great tone and feel. This is ready for market.

Character Development – 7 – Well done in a story this short. We get everything we need.

Plot – 6 – No holes, except the age problems.

Milieu – 5 – NA, not really time for this.

Disbelief – 5 – This is where the age thing hurts you. It leads off your story with a moment that made me pause. I just cant believe a nine-year-old could build coffins.

Unique – 7 – Was to me.

Dialogue – NA – There was none. And I didn’t notice the lack.

Writing Style – 8 – Very tight.

Action – 6 – Very little, but what there was stayed in keeping with the story, and didn’t distract.

Understandable – 7 - Yep

Ending – 8 – Excellent. Seemed inevitable.

Story Overall-6

I liked the story, it definitely has potential, but I think some areas can go further and deeper.

Plot-6

Moves along nicely, but possibly progress too fast, and there are some points I question.

Character Development-

Not sure how to rate this. I think there was a good deal of development of the characters, but there was some stuff I didn't fully follow such as Jolo's exact motivations and goals in doing the things he does how he does them, and as to why Shade became so interested in it all so quickly. Also it seemed at first that Shade was an old woman but then it became clear that wasn't the case. I'd say 7 for overall development but probably 5 for motivations etc.

Milieu-6

I'm thinking post apocalyptic but the mention of a museum makes me wonder. The nature and interactions of the different areas and a bit more history probably wouldnt hurt.

Disbelief-5

I have a little trouble with the idea of the giant waterstone as a weapon. Not that it couldnt be used that way, but it seems like it would be difficult to actually initiate and control and very inefficient. From what Jolo says they probably have much easier to use and probably just as effective means.
Also almost everything in the story just seems to progress a bit to quickly.

Unique-7

I didn't find anything that struck me as stunningly new and unheard of, but it wasn't cliche either (although I wouldn't really care if it was, thats not a big issue for me usually.)

Dialogue-6

There were a few obvious moments, also linked with the disconnects with the setting I'm not sure how the speech patterns fit in, especially Shade's somewhat antiquated manner of speech.

Action-7

Wasn't much, but the chase scene was done pretty well I feel.

Writing Style-7

There were ocassional weak spots but overall I liked the narrative voice.

Understandable-8

The story itself was understandable. The only things I didn't fully understand lay within character motivations or specific plot issues that I've already mentioned.

Ending-5

Jolo just giving up didn't set well with me, nor did the somewhat anticlimatic nature of it all.

I basically liked this story, but the end, the issue of Shade's unclear age and nature, and what I see as the somewhat large plot issue of the seeming impracticality of the giant stone as a weapon brought it down for me a little. I'm not sure what to suggest, especially about that last part. I think the waterstone could stay but there needs to be some explanation of how and why it'd be such a devastating weapon.

Story Overall: 7 I like this story. It's quirky, but really interesting.
Character Development: 7 We see Jack go from devastated to cracked.
Plot: 6 not intricate but it moves along
Ending: 7 An interesting twist.
Milieu: 8 Well done, even better in the rewrite.
Disbelief: 6 It was a stretch for a nine year old to make a tight coffin.
Unique: 7 What makes this memorable is the coffin stuffing.
Dialogue: 6 the narration is stronger than the limited dialogue
Writing style: 5 This is rated mediocre only because much of the narration and dialogue is in colloquial language.
Action: 5 The story has one action scene at the end. The rating of for quantity, not quality.
Understandable: 6 I knew what was going on, except I did have some issues at the end.

Story overall: 5 – Genre disconnect. I must admit, my internal prudery got in the way of this piece. If I was reading this for pleasure, I would have stopped at MC’s voyeuristic tour of the cells at the beginning.

Character development: 5 – OK. MC realized that perhaps he wasn’t ready for the man/machine thing, but was always attracted to the kinkiness of the club and desired Tasha until the wires started to sizzle.

Plot: 6 – Well constructed. Always knew where you were in the story.

Ending: 7 – Personal redemption, in spite of all the urine.

Milieu: 6 – Depressing. A demerit for him not being able to know where the warehouse was when he walked away from it and got to his job the night before.

Disbelief: 4 – I had a hard time with parts. The girl’s transformation didn’t seem possible. The super quick Borg conversion with such little pain.

Unique: 4 – Borg-ish, the dystopian factory future is nothing new. The nightclub was a dark shimmer of uniqueness.

Dialogue: 5 – The dialogue was really in the narration which was fine, if oversexed.

Writing style: 6 – Ok. I couldn’t find much wrong.

Action: 4 – It just loped along until the end. Even then, all he did was run out the door and cut his arm off.

Understandable: 6 – I had no problem figuring out what was going on.

I'm sure there's a market for this, it just isn't me.

How old do you think you have to be to build a coffin? Would twelve be better? How about sixteen?

What about if I say his dad was a carpenter, and right there helping him?

What do you think would make it believeable? The age is a non-issue to the plot and I am happy to change it before submitting.

So what would you buy?
~Sheena

Story overall.7

With the rewrite it felt so much cleaner, and the voice was strong and funny. Really nice.

Character development. overall a 5

The characterization was probably the weakest part of the story, drawing on well used cliche's, but the tone and idea of the story felt different and interesting. I felt like though I didn't really see to deep into the characters, I didn't need to.

Plot 6.

Some cleaning could be used, especially in the cloud rain bit. I'm still not sure why that try didn't work. But interesting and well paced.

Milieu 7

I love this piece of the world where anything can happen, and probably does, (for a small fee). The milieu and the tone were brilliant, and classic fantasy farce.

Disbelief. 8 I bought it. I wish I could return it, but I bought it.

Unique 6

The emotes idea is interesting and different. (In a good way.) The story feels firmly in the genre though. Which isn't a bad thing, that is what makes it sellable, though it isn't uncommon.

Dialogue: 7 overall.

Good dialogue. Sometimes Garlin's ramblings go on a bit long, but other bits are just perfection.

Writing style :7 on the rewrite.

Well written. Great voice. tight gramatically.

Action:8

My favorite part of the whole story was the fight at the end. I love a good wizard duel. Clear and exciting. Great.

Understandable:6

Still could use a bit of clarifying.

Ending.8

Great. You really took your time and made it feel satisfactory.

Story Overall – 5

Character Development – 5 – Only the MC gets any real dimension.

Plot – 7 – this was fine, if incomplete.

Milieu – 6 – Good, not particularly vivid. I liked the names.

Disbelief – 7 – Fine, except the hidden foot trick thing was hard to picture, and even harder to understand how it would fool anyone.

Unique – 6 – Not super unique, but I don’t mind that if its done well.

Dialogue – 5 – It was ok. Pretty formal.

Writing Style – 6 – the dream sequence had some understandability issues. After that, much better.

Action – 6 – Same as above, dream action was not that great, after that, better.

Understandable – 6 – I think I got it.

Just a reminder to everyone for whom I’ve given critiques; let me know if you don’t want me to put up public ratings. While it’s part of the challenge that you are putting up your work for public rating, I’m happy to keep critiques private if anyone has a real issue with them. As always, it’s my own viewpoint and I’m frequently wrong. I’m also a pretty hard critiquer and I’m under no illusions that what I write is superior in any way, shape or form.

Heart on a Sleeve.

Story overall. 5

Based on the version I’ve read, the Grand Wizard was the biggest problem for me. While I think the starting point isn’t quite right, that’s not as big an obstacle as the plot-convenient behaviour of the grand wizard. Fix his behaviour and the story is pretty close.

Some of the overall rating may be an artefact of humour being incredible personal; some of the plot elements that may have been intended as parody just didn’t work for me. There are some real strengths in this story, so the amount of work to get it up to a 7 isn’t insurmountable.

Character development. 6

While neither of the main characters are explored in depth or are especially unique characters, they worked well enough for me. Based on tone and intended style, the light characterisation is enough.

It doesn’t quite reach a 7 because of the one note portrayal of the main villain. While I’m not expecting a lot of characterisation from the villain given his role, he was too James Bond villain for me to swallow. He serves the plot rather than interacting with the plot.

Plot 5.

Two issues; the starting point and the resolution. While the emotes are a good idea, the negative impacts of them aren’t starkly illustrated. A different starting point may solve this. While the opening scene itself is light and funny, it also delays the introduction to the change in Garlin’s life.
The plot is mostly resolved by the High Wizard in the end; he tells our heroes his plans and he reveals the charm.

Milieu 6

The milieu was a little bit generic, though that doesn’t hurt given the aims of the story. I’d like to see a little bit more about the costs of magic and, most importantly, have a stark illustration of how the emotes actually change the lives of people in the kingdom. The milieu doesn’t have to be unique to make this story work, but I’d like a little more detail.
Disbelief. 5 My main source of disbelief was the ‘”as you know Bob” dialogue by the High Wizard in your resolution.

Unique 6

While the overall milieu isn’t that unique, I think the emotes (if their impact is adequately explained) while push this one to a seven. It’s not overly unique, but that doesn’t matter greatly in the right market.

Dialogue: 5

It would be a seven except for the “as you know Bob speech and the occasional dialogue from minor supporting players. Generally, the speech between Garlin and Lyra hits the right note, being light and warmhearted.

Writing style :6

Some minor tightening should get this market ready.

Action:6

I view “action” as being “did the protagonist resolve the story conflicts”. Up until the resolution, Garlin took the necessary actions, but then the High Wizard effectively solved the problem of the charm for them.

Understandable:6

Still could use a bit of clarifying on the impact of the emotes as noted above.

Ending.5

As above, the resolution of the plot depended on the High Wizard doing some pretty stupid things.

Story overall. 6

The main issue is that there’s very little movement from the main crisis point in the story. See my points below. If you can fix that, it’s a 7 from me.

Character development. 6

Another improvement. The father’s motivation becomes much clearer and so does Alyn’s, without compromising the hardness of the milieu. I had more sympathy for Alyn right up until after he’s presented with the first crisis.

There’s still a bit of passivity in that Alyn doesn’t take any action after he wakes up from the crisis; he becomes an observer of the plot. Up until that point, I thought he had become much more active with a clear goal (to please his father) and was taking steps to achieve that goal. The barrier to achieving that goal wasn’t immediately clear (apart from the general nastiness of the townspeople to anyone who fails), but the sewer wretch provides it. I think you need to do more with what happens once he’s woken up. For example, what does he do to deal with his guilt? As per my longer notes, perhaps this could be a coming of age story? He needs to be a different person at the end from the start (either positive or negative) as a result of dealing with the conflict.

Milieu 6

The setting is interesting. To get a seven, I’d like to see a little bit more about why this family has this job…the society behind the family is the thing that really interested me in this story.

Disbelief: 6

The only disbelief problem I had is one that is very easily fixed. If my life depended on a five year old, then I definitely wouldn’t let him do the job by himself. Make him old enough for his father to trust him to work alone for the first time.

Unique 7

Unique enough setting to serve the story.

Dialogue: 7

The discrepancy between dialects has disappeared, which is a great improvement. Dialogue is functional without being too info-dumpy.

Writing style: 6

Some minor tightening needed here and there, but nothing major. Could be a 7 depending on how fussy you are.

Plot 5

The plot is fine up until the point he reaches the sewer wretch. This is the big obstacle to his goal, but immediately after he panics, the protagonist becomes passive. I don’t mind that the story ending is negative, but there’s little sense of character growth and he becomes a passive observer.

Action 5:

Given I view action as “did the protagonist resolve the plot?” this rating is as per Plot. Solve one, solve the other.

Understandability 7

Nothing that I didn’t get.

Ending 5

As per plot and action, the ending didn’t work for me because it didn’t resolve the promises set throughout the story. Once again, fix the plot post-sewer wretch and the “so what?” ending becomes an “ah yes” for me.

Story overall: 7
Could be an 8 with some tweaks

Character development: 7
I really liked Cassie. Good main character, and I was rooting for her to win. I didn’t understand Terri at all (starting with the character’s gender) or why he/she was after Lana. Ruben was a bit dry, could use some fleshing out.

Plot: 7
Good main premise and in general, well-executed. I don’t understand why the government decided to go after Lana just then; the timing was confusing to me. Why not earlier? Why not just take Lana when was born and avoid all the fuss of dealing with a protective mother? I was also unclear on who all was after Lana. Was there more than one government involved? And I also didn’t get a good feel for the government as an entity. Corrupt, yes, but beyond that, I didn’t understand how it operated.

Milieu: 7
No problems there. For me it was a well-drawn world.

Disbelief: 6
I had a few moments of disbelief. The timing issue (mentioned above) bugged me. Also, Cassie’s trust of Ruben didn’t feel earned, and neither did the reveal of Ruben’s relationship to Lana.

Unique: 8
I have never read anything else like it.

Dialogue: 8
No problems there.

Writing style: 8
Again, good.

Action: 7

Understandable: 6
The only scene I had trouble understanding was the one between Cassie and Terri. I didn’t understand why Terri was there, what the motivations were and what he/she wanted.