posted
I've never been a social butterfly, big anonymous parties freak me out, and small talk with strangers doesn't come naturally to me. Still, I love having people over to our house, hosting parties, going to friend's smallish parties, and being around people. I almost always make an effort to be friendly and try to make friends in a new situation, cause I'm bummed when I'm the one sitting alone in the cafeteria.
Until now! This is my second day at the new job. It's a very small and friendly community, everyone knows everyone else, and everyone eats lunch together. Yesterday my boss brought me outside with the other people who work in the area, and they chatted and such. I was antsy and bored. They're interesting enough people, it's not like they only want to talk about their kids or anything ( ), but every time I joined in a conversation, it felt forced and dry. It's like I'm all serious and humorless now. Seriously, I feel like I'm old and cranky and boring, and I'm wondering if I ever smile anymore. I catch my reflection in mirrors at the mall, and I look terrible, all hunched-over and mad.
But I don't feel that way! I feel happy! I like the job, I like my coworkers, and my life is going great.
So, how come today for lunch, with my boss out of town (on my second day!), did I sneak in and out of the cafeteria to eat lunch alone in my office? Why is that so much more enjoyable for me than getting to know the people I'll be working with? Have I become anti-social without realizing it? Does it have something to do with all of my ready-made communities on the internet?
It's weird. I don't like it, since I don't want to be the freak who's always off by herself with her door closed, but that's what I feel like doing! What the heck is going on?
Posts: 2220 | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. I know I am not much of a crowd person. For me it's rather draining to sit with a large group of people and smooze. Maybe next week you'll feel like socializing, like sitting with one or two people and talking or something, and the next day you'll want to be alone again. Everyone is different so there's no reason to feel like a freak about it... Or maybe it will just take a few days or weeks to get used to the new people, I know that's what it's like for me...
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Maybe you inner child is balking at the idea of forced intimacy with your co-workers. Too much pressure on yourself to fit in right away. It's hard enough going to job interviews and putting "you" on the line to be accepted or rejected These are people you don't know and if you weren't working there, would probably have never meet. Take you time, your outer child will come to discover, there are some of them you will enjoy and some you'll run from, but sit back and savor the discovery.
Posts: 180 | Registered: Jul 2003
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I think maybe I killed my inner child in my rush to be grown up. Or maybe my family killed it. Yeah, that feels about right. Whenever I think about my mom or my grandma, I feel old and sad. I think that feeling is affecting me more than I thought it was.
How do I find my inner child if I've lost it?
Posts: 2220 | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
Don't worry. I am much like you, much more of an observer than a joiner. Here is how I handle it:
1) Bring a book. Read it at lunch. If anyone asks say that you use lunch to escape the pressures of the job, and that reading allows you to do so. DOn't say, "Leave me alone, I want to read." They will get the hint.
2) Join in when and only when it feels right. If you want to make some jokes from the outside, this will get you a fun reputation as a sniper. You lurk in the shadows until you can pounce with a wonderful killer comment.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
It always takes me a while to get used to a new job environment. I'm always nervous in those situations, but after a few weeks, it goes away. Give it time.
It's good to have you back, Poly. I think twinky and fugu were getting tired of being the default mac supporters. Posts: 5422 | Registered: Dec 2001
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I stopped eating in the lunchroom, for the most part (posting on lunch right now, actually). My friends here are unmarried, mostly, so they are either talking about the relative hotness of the ladies here (which are plentiful) or trying to chat them up. Pretty dull for a married guy. They get that I like to decompress, and I still talk to them outside of work or on the way out to the cars. Everybody is different.
Posts: 5422 | Registered: Dec 2001
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posted
I'm kind of the same. I hang out with the same guys I've known since kindergarten, and I've been going out with the same girl since high school. I don't really have the desire to make any close friends beyond those I already have. I'm happy with having many casual acquaintances, and a small group of very close friends.
But I've also started to feel more anti-social as the years go by. I don't like to be rude, but I often feel as though I come off as a pissed-off prick whenever I meet new people. And, unless I'm drunk, I don't really like hanging out with people I don't know well.
posted
I'm the same way, I feel uncomfortable when it comes to talking to perfect strangers. I feel like I cannot function properly, or muster enough enthusiasm or something. Maybe that is why I cannot find a job. Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Can't really help you here. I pretty much all around kick ass. Seriously.
Actually, I'm not much of a people person, either. I can fake being interesting pretty well, but I find it exhausting after a while.
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I don't think anything's WRONG with you, Ayelar. You sound a lot like me, and I dislike having to integrate with a group of people who already all like each other and know each other. (like Hatrack... >_>)
All I can say is you can do what I do. Just listen in for a while, get a feel for the relationships, and like Dan_raven said, pop in with a comment every so often. It doesn't even have to be witty or urbane, just anything.
Unless of course you don't want to be friends with them, or at least acquaintances, in which case you could just eat lunch in your office...
At least you (I assume) don't have my liability... I have a hard time looking people in the eyes while I'm talking to them if I don't know them really well. I'm told it makes me come off arrogant, distant, and cold. (hates that)
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Do some shopping cart surfing. Seems like that is what the young at heart on Hatrack do for fun. Posts: 5422 | Registered: Dec 2001
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quote: I don't like it, since I don't want to be the freak who's always off by herself with her door closed, but that's what I feel like doing!
This describes me almost exactly. I am probably worse than you though. I always set a time for my friends/company to leave the house if I have a small party, because I hate sitting around indefinately. However, I have different advice, maybe because I always feel like the anti-social corner-sitter and sometimes wish I didn't. I suggest trying to not be alone, at least during some lunches. Maybe turn up in the cafeteria some of the time, and have the other lunches to yourself. Even if you don't talk too much, the other people will know you don't not like them. (That is my worst problem, fidding out that people think I'm stuck up because I say very little and socialize even less.)
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Ryuko, I have the same problem with looking people in the eye! Lately, I've just been forcing myself to look people right in the eye, and usually THEY break off the contact before I do, so I must be learning. I just got a job here in Alaska, and while I'm still a newb in the workplace, I've felt a lot more comfortable there than in any other "forced conversation" situation. It also helps that the people are cool.
posted
Ayelar, likely you're just stressed from starting a new job. I know I always am for the first few days after starting a new job. Wait a week or two and see if you don't get a little more social at work, especially as you're aware of it and it bothers you.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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), but every time I joined in a conversation, it felt forced and dry. It's like I'm all serious and humorless now. Seriously, I feel like I'm old and cranky and boring, and I'm wondering if I ever smile anymore. I catch my reflection in mirrors at the mall, and I look terrible, all hunched-over and mad.
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