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Author Topic: No matter which religion is right, I am going to hell...
Slash the Berzerker
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I drink alcohol and coffee, so straight to mormon hell.

I love bacon, so straight to jewish hell.

I have never been baptized in the holy spirit and born again, so straight to born again christian hell.

Alcohol and pork sends me right to islam hell.

Alcohol and dancing sends me right to baptist hell.

Contraception sends me right to catholic hell.

I certainly hope that none of the religions that believe in hell are right.

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popatr
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Slash,

Mormons don't believe in hell in the classic sense.

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mackillian
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or a sense of humor in the classic sense.
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UofUlawguy
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Mormons also don't believe that anybody who isn't a Mormon is forbidden from drinking alcohol and coffee. That commandment is for members only.

But you might go to "Mormon hell" for not being a Mormon. [Big Grin] <-- my first smilie

UofUlawguy

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The Rabbit
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Slash, If there is a hell and if any religion is right about who is going there, I expect hell will be populated with a bunch of really cool, interesting and outrageous individuals and will probably be far more fun than heven. [Evil]
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Paul Goldner
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I'm just hoping there IS no hell, otherwise I'm screwed six ways from sunday. [Smile]
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Erik Slaine
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Have you done anything to offend the Pagan Gods?
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mackillian
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If he had, he'd already have been struck by lightning.
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Erik Slaine
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See, then, the Fields of Elysium are for you!

Come see the well manicured greens, the decadent buffets, and, as always, those fun and entertaining Muses!

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Zalmoxis
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If you're willing to shoot arrows into the sky whenever rain clouds appear, you can come hang out with me.

Wait. You live in the Pacific NW. I'm pretty cool to hang out with, but that'd be a lot of work.

::pictures the lizard man walking around with three quivers of arrows everywhere he goes::

Then again, it might be fun for you. [Dont Know]

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Annie
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This reminds me of that one Rowan Atkinson sketch.

quote:
Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil. Goodevening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal...

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me?
CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and BANKMANAGERS.

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realises put in a lot of work. The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last nine months...

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is...

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all...

Hee hee hee
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newfoundlogic
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Actually you should hope that Judaism is right because we don't believe in Hell period.
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David Bowles
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Slash, my wife and I will be waiting for you with a bottle of Herradura Aņejo. And barbecue.

See you in hell, buddy.

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Annie
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When I was young, I always thought it would be prudent for people to believe in the strictest religion there is. That way, in a worst-case scenario, at least they'd avoid the hottest hell.

If that logic works, I guess I should call up Jack Chick and find out more...

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Xavier
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I think Hell is a silly concept.

Any God who eternally tortures people's souls forever for the simple crime of not believing in him is not worthy of my worship.

"Hey Phil, I am now going to sentence you to an eternity of eternal torment because you didn't believe in me."

"If it was that big a deal to you, why didn't you give a freaking sign or some sort of evidence?"

"I don't work that way. You're supposed to turn off your brain and accept the faith of others because they tell you its the truth."

"Screw you then, off to hell I go..."

[ August 29, 2003, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: Xavier ]

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Slash the Berzerker
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I love Larry Niven.

When describing his good friend and often collaborator Jerry Pournelle, he said, "When I see him in hell, I expect we will immediately begin planning our escape."

David, do you think they have good tequila in hell? Or does Satan sip at a glass of Del Dueno while forcing you to ingest gallons of five dollar a bottle HRD brand?

Now THAT would be hell.

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Annie
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I love the quote from Return to Me when Grace's Grandpa is talking to Wally:
quote:
Marty: You're gonna be a long time in purgatory, you are.

Wally: I'll be among friends.


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Maccabeus
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Sorry, guys...it ain't gonna work. You're all GOIN' TA HELL!!! [Evil Laugh] [Evil Laugh] [Evil Laugh]

And there ain't no gettin' out, neither.

*plays the appropriate role assigned him by stereotype*

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Deirdre
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Annie: I love that sketch. Rowan Atkinson rules.
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rivka
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nfl is right, we don't believe in Hell, it's more similar to Purgatory than anything else.

Oh, and just as the Mormons don't expect non-members to abstain from coffee or alcohol, only Jews are expected to keep kosher. Actually, the only things non-Jews (I would say gentiles, but present company might take exception [Wink] ) are expected to keep are the Seven Noachide Laws.

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Erik Slaine
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Slash, Niven and Pournelle collaberated on a wonderful novel called Inferno which was about a science fiction author escaping from hell.

Great fun, check it out!

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Ralphie
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The world needs more smart Rowan Atkinson sketches, not fewer.
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Erik Slaine
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The world needs more Dudley Moore and Peter Cook movies, but I guess we're out of luck there too!
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Slash the Berzerker
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Ralphie is going to hell too.

I expect that part of my duties in hell will be to give her endless monkey bumps.

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Ralphie
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Wait... am I in hell right now?

Oh shi

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Deirdre
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If Slash gets to spend his time in hell giving Ralphie monkey bumps, I say I should get to spend it sipping tea and reading novels in a comfy chair.
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Slash the Berzerker
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Yes. Because the novels you would select to read are exactly my definition of hell.

"Another long winded russian author without even a scrap of interesting plot? Sure!"

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BelladonnaOrchid
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Ha! This whole conversation is why I believe in reincarnation. Don't you crazy believers-in-hell wish you were me? [Laugh] [Evil Laugh]
[Taunt]

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Annie
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I remember a weird little show I saw once - I think it was on the Outer Limits or something similar. It's where this hippie dies and finds himself in a room full of old people having a dance with good old time wholesome music... the whole premise being that while they're in Heaven, he's in Hell. Hilarious.
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newfoundlogic
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Reminds me of a Simpsons episode where everyone had visions of their own personal heaven.
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odouls268
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I believe in staying alive. Thats my plan.

Can you have someone put that on my headstone?

"He decided to stay alive forever...and it killed him"

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ak
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Slashy, I thought we had this all planned out. You are going to the telestial kingdom for being a decent lizardman and all in this life even if rather unwashed and unbaptized and so on. I will be there too or if something changes and I make it up higher then I'm coming down to visit you. You promised to teach me how to play D&D, remember? Don't think you get out of it that easily! I think outer darkness is the only place you could hide from me but I know you would never choose there. The amenities are just not up to snuff out that direction.
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PhineasNigellus
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Well If we are all going to Hell, then we can all have one Hell of a party down there. Hardy har har.
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Maccabeus
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Not hardly, Belladonna. I wouldn't dare... [Wink]
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Scott R
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Depending on which religion you follow, Belladonna, reincarnation IS hell.
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Ela
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Slashy, I already told you, Jews don't care whether or not non-Jews keep kosher. [Razz]

Only Jews are expected to keep kosher, as rivka said. [Smile]

And we don't really believe in Hell the way Christians do.

The stock Jewish joke is that the Jews will take up a collection to air-condition hell. [Razz]

**Ela**

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Godric
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"Heaven for climate, hell for company." -- James M. Barrie

"A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell." -- George Bernard Shaw

"Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris." -- Thomas G. Appleton

". . . when bad Americans die, they go to America." -- Oscar Wilde

"There may be some doubt about hell beyond the grave but there is no doubt about there being one on this side of it." -- Ed Howe

"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -- you see, I have friends in both places." -- Mark Twain

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Avadaru
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Annie, that Rowan Atkinson sketch is hilarious! [Big Grin]
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suntranafs
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quote:
"Heaven for climate, hell for company." -- James M. Barrie

WHat The Devil???? That's Mark Twain. Who the heck is James M. Barrie?
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Godric
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As far as I can tell, Twain's (1835-1910) quote was actually, "Heaven for climate, hell for society," and Barrie (1860-1937), who wrote Peter Pan, said, "Heaven for climate, hell for company."

Now, it's entirely possible one was plagerizing the other or that only one said one of those phrases and an alternate version was ascribed to the other. I don't have any particular interest in sorting it all out though...

[ August 31, 2003, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Godric ]

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Ralphie
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You check your sources, Godric, or you get out! [Mad]
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Julie
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I just think it's convenient that we have these nifty little smilies.
[Evil] [Evil Laugh] Tee-hee. I think I'll figure out the whole heaven/hell thing AFTER I'm gone. Much less unnecessary stress that way.

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JaneX
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quote:
I think Hell is a silly concept.

Any God who eternally tortures people's souls forever for the simple crime of not believing in him is not worthy of my worship.

ITA, Xav.

~Jane~

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Hobbes
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quote:
I remember a weird little show I saw once - I think it was on the Outer Limits or something similar. It's where this hippie dies and finds himself in a room full of old people having a dance with good old time wholesome music... the whole premise being that while they're in Heaven, he's in Hell. Hilarious.
That was Twilight Zone thank-you very much! [Wink] [Big Grin]

And I refuse to live in a universe where Slashy goes to Hell. [Big Grin]

Hobbes [Smile]

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Godric
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Ralphie, I hope that was a joke...
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Deirdre
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Of course it was a joke, silly.

Now go unpack your bags.

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