Norbert just moved in a big city. He goes in a shop and sees a thermos on sale. He asked the sell person what it is. She says: it keeps hot drinks hot and cool food cool. So Norbert buys one. Back in his little village, he shows the thermos to his friends. He explains what it is for. And what do you keep in it, they ask. My tea and an ice cream.(ah ah ah)
ok your turn now.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Why do ducks have flat feet? . . . . . . . From stamping out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? . . . . . . . From stamping out flaming ducks! . . . . You did say lame! Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2002
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quote: What's better that winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
Well, Pat, at least I don't feel guilty now for not thanking you for your very nice closing note on that other thread... Posts: 4344 | Registered: Mar 2003
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A man runs into his psychiatrist's office, shouting "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!". The doctor says "You need to relax, you're too tents!"
A man taking a drive in the country passes a farmer out fixing his fence. Sitting next to the farmer is a pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued, the man pulls over and asks him what the story is with the three legged pig. The farmer says "well, young feller, I'll tell you--this here is the best, most loyal pig in the world. We raised Lulabell here by hand. She sleeps with us, and we feed her the same food the family eats. As you can see, she follows me all over the farm, and never tries to run away. Not too long ago our house caught fire, and Lulabell here woke us all up and got us out of the house. I went back into the house after the cat, but the smoke knocked me out. Lulabell ran after me and dragged me *and* the cat to safety."
"Wow," said the man. "I take it she lost her leg in the fire?"
"Naw," said the farmer, "it was after that."
The man looked at the farmer quizzically.
"Well, a pig that good, you don't eat 'em all at once!"
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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quote:you don't know how many siegfried and roy tiger jokes I wanted to make, but didn't, because of you.
I ought to share some "disability humor" sometime. Thinking...
Actually, I wasn't one of the ones objecting to death jokes.
So, I'm wondering if the job news is bad in the next quarterly government report, will they blame it on the white tiger? Huge impact in Vegas, after all.
Posts: 4344 | Registered: Mar 2003
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A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. "I'm sorry," the bartender says, "but we don't serve string". The string goes outside, ties himself into a knot, and musses up one end of himself. He goes back into the bar. The bartender, seeing him, says "hey, aren't you that string that just tried to order a drink a minute ago?" "No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot".
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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A policeman sees a truck driving pass with 10 pinguoins at the back. He stops it and ask the driver what's with the pinguins. The driver says: I don't know, officer. I found them in my backyard. What do you suggest I do with them? The Policeman says: try the zoo. The next day, the same policeman sees the same truck pass by, still loaded with pinguins. He stops the truck and says to the driver: I told you to take them to the zoo! Yes replies the driver. They loved it. Today, I take them to the movies. Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2003
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I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it, "Do not eat is seal is broken." So I opened the box and sure enough...
Posts: 667 | Registered: Aug 2003
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "You got any grapes?". The bartender says no and the duck walks out of the bar.
A few minutes later, the duck walks back into the bar and asks "You got any grapes?". The bartender says no and the duck walks out of the bar.
A few minutes later, the duck walks back into the bar and asks "You got any grapes?". This time the bartender is really irritated and says no and if you ask that question one more time I'm going to nail your feet to the floor. The duck scouls and walks out of the bar.
A few minutes later, the duck walks back into the bar and asks "You got any nails?". "No", says the bartender. "Great", replies the duck, "You got any grapes?".
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room right now." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
-----
My father isn't Bill Gates, As church treasurer, he had two computer files labeled, "St. Mary's Income" and "St. Mary's Expenditure". While copying them froma Macintosh to an Apple, he had no idea the Apple would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces and replace the apostrophes with periods. Now the church's income is stored in "StMary.sin" and expenses in "StMary.sex".
Posts: 667 | Registered: Aug 2003
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So there were these two guys walking down the yellow brick road on the land of Oz. The first guy notices a loose brick in the road and turns to his friend.
"Hey," he says. "I'll bet you twenty bucks that I can throw this yellow brick into the air and it won't come back down."
His friend laughs until he finds out the first guy means it, and then naturally agrees to the bet. The first guy throws the brick into the air, and . . . it comes down.
"Okay, you owe me twenty bucks," says the second guy.
"No, no, no. Give me another chance. I'll bet you fifty bucks that this time, when I throw the brick into the air, it won't come down."
The second guy smiled to himself and agreed.
Just as before, the first guy threw the brick into the air with all the strength he could muster and . . . it came back down.
"Pay up," said the second guy. "You now owe me fifty dollars."
"All right, all right," said the first guy. "Give me one more chance, and I promise that if it comes back down, I'll pay you one hundred dollars. No more games."
"You're on, but this is your last chance," says the second guy.
So the first guy runs fifty feet down the road, crouches down, and chucks the brick into the air with an amazing grunt. And . . .
. . .it doesn't come back down.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Why was Ted Turner confused after marrying Jane Fonda? He didn't know whether to be a yippie, a yuppie or a yahoo.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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How many dumb blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
HAHAHA Three! Because they are ...no,. . . 2 haha, blondes are always Wait, now I remember! It's 5! Oh, man, that's funny. What was the question? Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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A pregnant blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking when the brunette...Oh, I forgot, I can't tell that one.
Posts: 190 | Registered: Sep 2003
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There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead in front of a firing squad. The redhead says "girls, follow my lead, and we'll get out of here alive." So the redhead gets up, and just before she get shot at, she screams "tornado!" They all glance back, and she runs away. Then the brunette gets up, and she says "hurricane!" They turn around, and she escapes. Next the blonde gets up, and just before they pull the trigger, she yells at the top of her lungs "Fire!"
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A little girl walks over to her mother and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Rose?' The mother replies, 'Well, when you were born a petal of a rose fell on your forehead, and thus we named you Rose'
The girls sister comes up to her mother and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?'
The mother cooed, 'When you were just a little dumpling, a daisy fell across your forehead, and thus we named you Daisy'
The third sister scoots onto the mothers lap and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Violet?'
The mother answers, 'On the day you were born, the petal of a Violet fell on your forehead, and thus we named you Violet'
The last sibling waddles up to the mother and says, 'Flugghharshawerhtppbbthh?!?'
'Shut up Fridge,' replies the mother.
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What's the difference between a human and a sack of flour?
Drop 'em both off a tall building and the human will bounce.
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Why are there no Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?
Because there's a Target on every corner.
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There are three blondes in a bar shouting "51! 51! Alright!" and cheering. The bartender walks up sand says "51 what? What's all this about?" and one of the blondes says happily "We did a puzzle in 51 days! The box said 2-3 years, but we did it in 51 days!"
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Two lawyers are in the woods and a bear comes out of the bushes. One of the lawyers promptly begins putting on his sneekers, and the other says "You can't outrun that bear!" The lawyer with the sneakers than replies "I don't have to outrun the bear; I have to outrun you!"
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What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
Answer: Pregnant.
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This was from real life. My mom works at a nursing home....
This old lady with alzheimers (sp?) had to remember to pee in a cup next time she had to go, so she wrote a note to herself. She asked my mom "is that 'pee' spelled 'p-e-a' or 'p-e-e'?" My mom said "p-e-e; p-e-a's are little, round, green vegetables" So the old lady says "okay, but if you hear me screaming, I wrote it down wrong."
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What did the cat say to the dog?
"Meow"
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A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
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panda bear walked into a restaurant and sat down at a table. A waiter came over to him and took his order. The panda bear waited and after a while the waiter brought him his food. The panda bear quickly wolfed it down, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter dead.
"What the heck was that for?" shouted the restaurant owner, storming in from another room. "You're scaring away all the customers!"
"I'm a panda bear. Look it up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go now." the panda bear said. Then he pushed everyone aside and walked out the door.
"Look it up... look it up... OK, I will", said the owner. He got out an encyclopedia and turned to P, pangolin, ah, there it is, panda bear!
"Panda bear. Large mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."
-------------------------
And that's all you get for now.
Posts: 2292 | Registered: Aug 2003
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Here's another one, for those of you who didn't like my last one.
There's this woman on an airplane, and she has a pet duck sitting in her lap. The problem is, a man a few seats ahead of her is smoking a cigar, and the smoke is making the duck quack like crazy. Everyone on the plane is getting irritable, and some are making rude comments about the lady and her duck.
"Why don't you just get rid of that stupid duck?" asks the man with the cigar.
"It's your cigar that's the problem," replies the woman. "If you'd put it out, my sweet ducky would be as quiet as a mouse."
"I have every right to smoke this cigar," says the man. "And it would be a waste to get rid of it when half of it is still to smoke. Besides, ducks can fly. Why don't you just throw it out the window?"
"Throw your stinking cigar out the window!" returns the woman, angry.
They argue for a while until it is decided that they will compromise and throw both out the window, which they do.
A few minutes later, there is a tap at the woman's window. She looks out the window, and what does she see?
Why it's her beloved pet duck. And what's in its mouth? . . . . . . . . . No, not the cigar. . . . . . . . . . . . .
posted
Once upon a time, there was a king who decided to hold a contest to find out who was the greatest sword fighter in all the land. The challenge was simple: a fly would be released in an empty arena, and the swordsman had to kill the fly. The first swordsman steps out into the arena, and the fly is released. He swings his sword and cuts it perfectly in half. The crowd applauds loudly.
The second swordsman steps out into the arena, and another fly is released. He swings his sword twice and cuts the fly in fourths. The crowd gives him a standing ovation.
The third swordsman steps out into the arena, and the third fly is released. His swings his sword once, and the fly keeps flying. A murmur of confusion ripples through the crowd. Someone yells out, "You didn't kill it!"
"True," the swordsman says. "But it'll never be a father."
Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
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Good stuff here! I needed some laughs after my leasing nightmare.
Da Goat, you reminded me of this old Indian joke.
A young buck asks the medicine man, "where do you come up with all of the tribes names?" The old man thinks for a moment then says, "Names celebrate the Great Spirit that walks among us always and the World-spirit reflects the soul of new tribe members. When your brother was born, I saw a hawk hunting rabbits before a storm, so I called him Stormhawk. Before your sister was born, I saw clouds slowly covering the moon, so beautiful I wept, so she was named Clouds Glow in Moonlight. And your cousin was born during the reddest sunset I'd seen in years, he is called Red Sun Weeping.
But why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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at Morbo's joke.
