posted
As most--if not all--of you know, Bernard and I are engaged at a rather young age (freshman year of college). However I think I made a mistake of telling my friends back home that I was engaged.
Two of my friends--Krissy and Amy--when I told them that I was engaged, instead of being happy for me and telling me congratulations, asked:
"When's the baby due?"--Krissy
"You're pregnant, aren't you?"--Amy "No..."--me "Don't lie. You are."--Amy
First of all, it ticks me off that they immediately assume that the only reason that I could *possibly* be engaged is if I'm pregnant. They're supposed to be my friends, and aren't friends happy for one another when they're engaged?
Actually... They might not even be friends. Krissy's been making up stuff about everyone, I know, I've caught her in blant ones. But yet she still gets ticked off at *me* when I catch her. Excuse me, I forgot that I wasn't supposed to mess with her own private world.
That's not what ticks me off the most. I came home from college today (I attend LSU, but I live two hours away) and the first thing out of my father's mouth is: "What's this rumor about you being engaged?"
I immediately lied to him and told him I wasn't, something I feel bad about, because to me it seems like I'm embarrassed about Bernard. That's just how it seems in my mind.
But I KNOW who did it. Melissa. I know in my heart that it was her. Her boyfriend's in the band at the high school. Daddy's the band booster president.
I'll even tell you why she did it, even though I TOLD her not to tell anyone: The last time I saw her, she was visiting from Arkansas. I had made time during GRADUATION WEEK, when all my relatives were down, to see her for a movie on Tuesday. She, of course, didn't show. (Melissa has a bad habit of making promises and not keeping them) When I called and asked why she didn't show, it was because Austin (her boyfriend) had decided that he wanted to go to Casa Manana, a local restaurant. And besides that, I had called her an hour before the movie--a blant lie, I called four hours before (multiple times, at that), she decided to go to Casa an hour before the movie.
So, I gave up the following Saturday, another day of my relatives being in, to get something to eat and see a 6:15 movie. I called and told her, "Casa at 5."
Krissy, who was late because she had work, came at 5:15 and said, "Melissa just called me, and she hasn't left Moss Bluff yet."
Moss Bluff is thirty minutes away from Lake Charles, at best. Casa is on Ryan Street, the busiest street in town.
"I told her 5."
"She says you didn't. Oh, and she's bringing Shane."
Shane is her ex-boyfriend, but she's still in love with him. So, I was a little pissed, but I didn't say anything about it.
She and Shane saunter into Casa at 5:50, saying they've already eaten. (THEN WHY GO TO A RESTAURANT?!) After that, we go to the movie.
She said two sentences to me the entire time. "Hi, how's it going?" And "Bye, it was nice to see you again."
I was pissed. And she found out about it and asked me. So I was honest and told her why I was pissed. She's been looking to get me back ever since.
So here's the real question: Am I being too nice and naieve and trusting to my old friends? After all, they're hurting my family life, and I apparently have a mole telling my parents things. Should I still be casual aquaintances with them, or cut the cord? I've always felt like I have to trust someone to have any sort of relationship with them, and at the moment... I don't know who I can trust at home anymore. *sighs*
So sorry for the complaints, I just needed to get that off my chest.
posted
Mayday, it sounds to me like this girl is not a friend. I think if you're thinking about dropping her then that's probably a good idea. <<<<hugs>>>>
Of course you are wise to love Bernard! And nobody can say a three year engagement is being hasty. Do not listen to naysayers. Follow your own heart. If someone else was foolish at age 20 that doesn't reflect on you.
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:: chuckles lightly :: That's a good response to anything...I'm going to have to remember that one.
Pooka, these friends have been treating Mayday rather horribly as of late, and pardon the language, but being general bitchs, including completely turning her away, as well has getting angry at her when she attempted to be comforting when they were having problems (including a car accident), they haven't been nice to her in months. With our engagement, some parents are more accepting than others, and, not to say anything bad about her parents (for they're wonderful people), but they are very over protective, and it's not beyond the realm of imagination of them denying her from seeing me, if they found out that we're engaged. Feel lucky that you have parents that allowed you more leeway to make your own decisions and mistakes. And when it comes to our engagement, neither of us plan on getting married before we finish college, we both know that our education is more important than anything else. Also, saying that we go to school mover 1000 miles away from each other and our actual homes are more than 3000 miles away, after college we will live in closer proximity (as in the same town) and see whether or not we can stand being near each other for an extended period of time. Neither of us want to rush into this relationship (in fact, the engagement isn't "official" saying that we don't have engagement rings, though we do have promise rings), I've suffered my parent's divorce, which was very ugly (and included the loss of our house, as well as almost a complete breakup of my father's family), so I tread my way through relationships very very carefully, I don't want my future children to have to go through what I did. Satyagraha
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posted
pooka: please don't take the last post negativly, I didn't mean it to be, I was just trying to state the facts.
hollow: what you say is very true, two weeks after coming to college (in which I left the day before my high school graduation) I already felt that I was growing futher apart from my friends in high school. New experiences that aren't shared tend to do that to people.
posted
You're complainin' about trust, then tellin' your father that you aren't engaged in response to a direct question?
I'd be examining why I told a couple of people a "secret" -- when I know one is a member of a group in close contact with my father, and the other's word isn't reliable -- if I really wanted to keep it a secret.
posted
*sigh* I know, I'll say it--I'm a f**kin' moron.
I naievely thought that someone I considered a friend and trusted would keep their trust.
And I feel bad about lying to my father, I do. You just don't understand my family. My mother threatened me if I even considered accepting a RING from a boyfriend (this was before I met Bernard).
So I'm untrustworthy and stupid. I guess that means I deserved what I got, and I deserve my friends.
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posted
Can you honestly tell me you've never had anything you couldn't tell your parents, but told your friends with the knowledge that you could trust them not to tell other people? Satyagraha
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posted
Heh, I'm always so glad I'm not a girl. Backstabbing and crap like this would really tick me off. Guys just beat on each other if it gets bad enough, a much more acceptable solution if you ask me
posted
"I immediately lied to him and told him I wasn't, something I feel bad about, because to me it seems like I'm embarrassed about Bernard."
Why would you do this? ARE you embarrassed about Bernard?
Christy lied to her parents about ME for nearly a year, and I'll be the first to admit that it SERIOUSLY ticked me off. I felt insulted, PRECISELY because it suggested that she was somehow embarrassed or inconvenienced by our relationship.
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posted
If you aren't able to tell your parents, and this state of affairs is disturbing to you, then you may find the best use of your time to be focusing on that relationship. (Or not. I'm not you, so I really don't know.)
Defining yourself as separate from your parents, differentiating your life as your own (while still keeping a balance of interaction with those you love) is about the hardest task of the teens and early twenties. Mind you, I was far from resolution with this when I first married, and it was dicey even by the time I got married the second time. However, the second time I felt at peace with myself in telling my mother, and it was very much an explanation of something which was my own business to decide by then.
But then again, things may be very different for you. (Good luck, regardless.)
quote:So I'm untrustworthy and stupid. I guess that means I deserved what I got, and I deserve my friends.
No, there's much room in the middle ground. Absolutes are usually unhelpful -- the world is rarely so black-and-white. Probably a more accurate and helpful assessment would be that you're in the process of figuring out what is healthy and important for you, and -- like everyone else -- you're learning as you go by sometimes making mistakes and sometimes moving forward. That's all.
Sometimes becoming over-self-critical can be a way of avoiding responsibility. At least, it is for me. I deal with criticism by throwing up my hands and effectively saying "well, fine! Then I'm a total loser, and I deserve anything that happened to me. I'm surprised anyone cares enough about sludge like me to even bother to offer advice. "
I try to watch myself for that, since it's so self-destructive and self-defeating. But avoiding traps like that is also one of the main tasks of growing into adulthood.
(Again, good luck. ((Mayday)) Lean on the friends you have here and elsewhere who strengthen and support you, like Bernard and ana kata. Seek out that which is healthy, and don't fall into despair.)
posted
And I will follow that up with that I completely understand your reluctancy to let your friends and parents know, especially after your "friends" reactions. It does get better, and sometimes you just have to be strong and not be afraid to show them that this is what you want despite what they think.
Take that advice with a grain of salt, though. I knew my mom was not ready for me to be married. She was not even ready for me to be off at college. Knowing the reaction I would get made it very hard for me to tell my parents. My mom consequently found out because I started wearing my ring home and cried. I'm sure that could've been handled better.
Damn, CT beat me to it. *laugh* I was replying to Tom's post, although I agree with CT as well.
quote: Why would you do this? ARE you embarrassed about Bernard?
As I said before, her parents are very overprotective, as are mine. She had to convince her parents to allow her to go to LSU (they wanted her to go to a worse school so she would live at home) and they still threaten to force her to move home by not paying for her tuition. If they found out that we were engaged, they would force her back home. I'm not embarrassed by it at all, I have the same problem with my parents, they're just too overprotective. And like with Christy's mother, they aren't ready.
quote:So I'm untrustworthy and stupid. I guess that means I deserved what I got, and I deserve my friends.
I'm sorry, but Maribeth is just not wanting more criticism right now, she is deeply hurt by her friends, and she posted as a rant, in hopes of getting some comfort from friends on here. Criticism and advice may be nice...but sometimes you just want to get something off your chest to people that aren't invested in the issue and get a hug. Satyagraha
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posted
Maribeth, you are the one who knows your parents. This is not being untrustworthy, this is deciding when is the right time to tell them to conduce to the greatest family harmony.
You are the one who should decide when and how to tell your parents this. Not anyone else.
<<<<Mayday>>>>
My mother is a wonderful mom, but every time I mentioned the LDS church for a YEAR after I joined, I got a deep freeze response. All conversation stopped. I was 43 years old at the time. <laughs> My mother has always believed in freedom of religion, and she brought me up to believe in it as well.
Two years later, I can now talk to her with enthusiasm about the wonderful programs that my church has worldwide. She can listen now without anger.
Parents are just weird. Everyone knows this. <laughs> They have enormous power. Even at my age, my mother has the power to affect my relationship with my nieces and siblings, as well as herself. She could estrange me from the family by not inviting me to the things she hosts, and not coming to the things I host, and being so angry at me that nobody else would invite us both to the same things. She could destroy our family unity, in other words.
I was careful to very gently break this to her, and I avoided mentioning it when it made her so angry. I gave her time to get used to the idea, and I gradually dropped tiny snippets here and there over time to work and get us to this point.
And no, she is not an overbearing dragon of a person in most respects. She's a kind and loving lady.
If I who am financially independent of my mother have to do this, then how much more do people who are younger and more dependent have to do? Or people whose parents are less reasonable?
The information about your plans is yours, to share with whomever you want, or to reserve to yourself. You have no requirement to tell.
[ November 15, 2003, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: ana kata ]
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quote:So here's the real question: Am I being too nice and naieve and trusting to my old friends? After all, they're hurting my family life, and I apparently have a mole telling my parents things. Should I still be casual aquaintances with them, or cut the cord? I've always felt like I have to trust someone to have any sort of relationship with them, and at the moment... I don't know who I can trust at home anymore. *sighs*
quote:I'm sorry, but Maribeth is just not wanting more criticism right now, she is deeply hurt by her friends, and she posted as a rant, in hopes of getting some comfort from friends on here. Criticism and advice may be nice...but sometimes you just want to get something off your chest to people that aren't invested in the issue and get a hug.
Bernard, I respect your protectiveness of your sweetheart. I can also sense the passion and frustration in your latter response.
What was too critical or preachy? (It's an honest question, not snippiness, I promise.) I read her post as a request for advice on how to best handle the situation, as well as an expression of her own frustration. She seemed to be getting very down on herself, too, and entirely unnecessarily.
I don't want to misread her again, and I don't quite understand what went wrong, although I feel pretty sure I was at least a part of it.
posted
Oh, no, it was the general tone the whole thread was taking. I appreciated what you, pooka, and everyone else said, and I understand the viewpoints everybody is coming from, and am thankful for it. Satyagraha
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posted
MaydayDesiax, I almost got the same reaction from my mother. When she couldn't manage to actually spit the question out, but instead asked every question that might possible answer that one, I finally said, "Go ahead and just ask me what you are dying to ask me." My father wasn't too pleased with me, though we all knew what she really wanted to know. Imagine her surprise when my son wasn't born till 15 months after the wedding! Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
"I was careful to very gently break this to her, and I avoided mentioning it when it made her so angry."
I would argue that there's a distinction between choosing to keep information to yourself and lying, point blank, when asked about it. As in Christy's case, I understand why Maribeth is choosing to deceive her parents; I just don't agree that it's a good idea.
Eventually, Christy DID tell the truth -- and when she did, her parents WERE angry enough to cut her off financially; I stuck with her, though, and helped her with the bills (although she did just fine on her own, to be honest), and I'd like to think we passed that test with flying colors. I think, however, that we FAILED that test the first time around, by not being honest with the people to whom we most owed honesty.
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posted
I am so sorry to hear that your friends are not treating you well. If their behavior towards you really is as bad as it seems, you would probably be better off without them in your life.... I think it is even more unfortunate that you don't feel that you can be honest with your parents. Although I certainly don't share every detail of my life with my parents, I do have a good relationship with them and can't imagine what it would be like to not share the important things in my life with them. I hope that your relationship with them will improve.
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posted
Bernard, it was an honest question. I've kinda been noticing that I get sort of impassioned or emotional when young women on this board get wrought up about one thing or another. The actual content doesn't seem to be a trigger for me, so much as the level of frustration or despair.
I think my response is sort of me talking to a younger self, if that makes sense. Which may or may not be helpful -- certainly, in some cases it would be quite presumptous. *wry grin
So, I'm glad I wasn't way out of line, I'm sorry for any bits where I was, and I (as always) offer to delete or edit as needed. And best wishes to both of you. Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
(((((Mayday))))) I know, friends can become real bitches sometimes, and sometimes they don't turn in friend again. When I moved to Vincent's place, some friends of the choral group we both were singing with reacted with a lot of jealousy (about me being in love when they were not, or about Vincent, I will never know) and acted very badly. That happens. Makes suffer a lot. And then, you learn to do with the ones who were really bitches, and the ones who were upset for one reason or another. The only thing you need know is reassurance you're not making a mistake (and trust me, you're not!) and a ot of hugs.
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posted
Oh, and some people think I'm pregnant now because I tell them I'm getting married in six months... How could I posibly hide pregnancy being at last 7 months pregnant in the church ? Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
The point isn't to hide the pregnancy at that stage; it's to get married before the kid is born, because that is supposed to technically prevent bastardy. It's not as big an issue as it used to be, but shotgun weddings are still around.
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posted
I'm under the impression that the job of friends is not only to be trustworthy, but also to try and do what is best for you when they can - two jobs that occassionally come into conflict. Considering most people don't always make the right decisions, you should be understanding if they choose a different resolution to that conflict than you would choose.
I'm also under the believe that it's never wise to 'cut the cord' of friendship with anyone for any reason. It's unneccessary. Understanding them and how you need to interact with them will suffice, and does not require losing a friend. If your friend is not likely to keep your secrets and you need them kept secret, don't tell them to her. You can still be a friend without sharing everything - you're not going to be married after all. If your friend can't show up on time to stuff, then don't expect her to. I have friends like that and it works perfectly fine because I know what to expect from them.
People mistakenly treat frienships like contracts sometimes, I think. They are much more dynamic than that. You don't have to end them if they are causing you trouble (with the possible exceptions of when your friends are out to kill you or stalk you or something like that) - all you have to do is adjust them accordingly.
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posted
I am ever surprised at the things people will say and ask about other people's personal lives!
I thought I was bad about mothering everyone and giving unsolicited advice. <laughs>
Particularly about happy news, it seems that people instead of just saying, "that's wonderful, I'm so happy for you," seem fairly often to respond with some dire prediction or assumption. <shudders and laughs> As if that is what they were being asked. To tell if they think this is a good idea, or was warranted, or will turn out well.
And the definition of a friend is someone who is happy for your happiness and sad for your sorrow. If some person has the reverse reaction, then it's safe to say they are not a friend.
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quote:And the definition of a friend is someone who is happy for your happiness and sad for your sorrow. If some person has the reverse reaction, then it's safe to say they are not a friend.
I'd reverse that. A friend is someone whose happiness makes me happy and whose sadness makes me sad.
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posted
Tom : point is, if I was pregnant I would tell, because I couldn't possibly hide it in a few month. So no point lying at this stage... Edit : cause I can't spell... So I can had a few more hugs for Mayday
[ November 17, 2003, 04:02 AM: Message edited by: Anna ]
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posted
Tres, I'm with you there, but it sounds like these particular friends weren't doing this to help or protect mayday, since if that was their motivation, they probably would have talked to her about it when she first told them about being engaged, and even if they weren't going to talk to her about it-they probably would have told her parents a while back, not waited this long
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posted
Yes, Tresopax, you are right. Correction noted.
Yet it should also be noted when the friendship isn't reciprocal. Isn't it something one should be aware of... when you are a person's friend but they aren't yours? I believe that is the distinction Maribeth is trying to make.
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posted
ana kata, that's my favorite definition of love. One loves another when one is happy for the other's happiness, and saddened by the other's sadness. I agree with you that it is when this gets off balance or reversed that there are problems.
Regarding friends who aren't friends back (as with Mayday's acquaintances), I usually try to invest as little of myself into that relationship as possible. I try to remember not to let myself be drawn up in striking back, as it does me more harm than them. But it's hard, because if they have been friends, you do care. i guess there's always hope for future changes and redemption.
(I also wonder why I am drawn sometimes to people who hurt me. Like I said elsewhere, I'm coming to learn well the old adage that criticism you give to others is really directed at yourself.)
Regarding eBay art, I love this sky/landscape -- I want to be there today. Let's go fly kites. Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I have this strange mental image now of Sara standing on my wife, flying a kite. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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Actually, I find Christy to brighten any environment where she is, so the standing-on-top-of-her would be unnecessary. I'll just steal her, in other words.
But I'll return her without any dents or scratches, I promise.
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Although I certainly don't share every detail of my life with my parents, I do have a good relationship with them and can't imagine what it would be like to not share the important things in my life with them. I hope that your relationship with them will improve.
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