quote: There she stood at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child. There was a sadness in her eyes, a weight in them that was enormous like the sea. A light wind came through the open color-glass window and into the ancient church, scattering leaves of paper from shelves and blowing the flickering of candles to and fro. The palest of moons peeked from the darkness in the sky behind the church, and with her back to it she faced the great ironwood doors as a slivery silhouette.
The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
Two points for a guess with critique. One point for a guess with rationale. Negative ten points for a guess with neither critique nor rationale
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I really like the subject matter, and the images were very nice. Sometimes (as in the leaves of paper) the wording seemed a little forced and thus was a bit awkward. I am intrigued, as rivka said, by the contrast between youth and age, eternal life and living death. Definitely a female author. Probably she's fairly young.
My guess is Dragon.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Cool! I like the old and young contrast in the first sentence. The "light wind" confused me for a moment because I wasn't sure whether you were talking about light or wind. That was probably just me. The "enormous like the sea" is nice. It might work better with a different word for sea, i.e. ocean.
posted
Nice imagery....did you mean sliver or silvery?
and i assume the final sentence was supposed to be "coming" for her?
For some reason i saw "a light wind" as "a wind made of light" which sounded cool until i realized that you meant a breeze. *hits self in head* I'm far too literal for my own good.
ah, esl thought that too! don't feel nearly so silly now
Let's see...I liked it. It was really very intriguing and i always like eternal children. The Childlike Empress!
quote: blowing the flickering of candles to and fro
I think I'd prefer 'blowing the candle-flame to and fro' or something similar. No real reason why, except personal preference.
I guess porcelain girl. I don't know anyone that well to guess accurately, but the imagery in the story fits with my idea of the sort of person who would choose 'porcelain' as a SN.
Edit: too slow! Glad to see it's not just me on the candle thing though
posted
I Like it a lot - great establishment of both character and atmosphere. If I was being picky (which I am ) I'd say that it could be paired down even more in terms of description; images such as
quote: old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child
and
quote: a weight in them that was enormous like the sea
Are so evocative that I feel their impact is slightly lessoned by some of the other adjectival description;
quote: A light wind came through the open color-glass window and into the ancient church
Like I say, that's just me being picky though. I really like the writing.
Having said that, I've no idea who to pick, however I suspect a male, and someone fairly young.
At an (almost) random guess, then... ScottR
Posts: 466 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
I'm thinking female as well... I haven't many/any works by most of these people...
Let's go with Vana.
"There she stood at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child." -I really liked this line Posts: 944 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Um. . .Scythrop? How 'young' do you think I am? I mean, compared to such mummies as Bob_Scopatz, or Claudia Therese I AM young. . . but I'll be 29 on Thursday. I'm no spring chicken.
I found the imagery and word choice to be too thick. I literally winced at 'old beyond reckoning.' And it feels like this is either a prologue or a specifically-written-for-the-Guess-the-Author-game tidbit, because there is no character here.
Sure, there's an old/young woman of unquestionable worth to the story-- but we don't know anything about her.
That said, the author has command of this scene-- and I'm interested to know where this story will lead.
I'm guessing, at random, Belladonna Orchid. I think this author is female, anyway. . .
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I think the author is a young female, or else a young man trying hard to write against type. Some of the writing was a bit leaden:
"...a weight in them that was enormous like the sea..." "...open color-glass window..." "...blowing the flickering of candles to and fro..." "...palest of moons peeked from the darkness..." "...as a slivery silhouette..."
Basically, it tries too hard to create an image. As such, it reads like one of those by-women-for-women fantasy historical novels, in which the guy the heroine falls for turns out to be some creature of the night.
I'd tighten it a bit, but it's a good image and worth running with.
I'm going to say Avadaru.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
My critique can be identified in the last line:
quote:The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
First, "The Dead Knight" as a name is mysterious, but not overly imaginative. "was come" is tense confusing. Was he coming or has he come. When I read it, I assumed, The Dead Knght had just arrived, but am not sure. "and she waited." Again, gold stars for mysterious but gramatically, not perfect.
This segment has the seeds of good storytelling, but they need to be polished a bit.
I am guessing DKW, only because I believe she would want to get her own writing out of the way quickly.
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posted
Now how rude would that be, to take advantage of my position and put my own writing first when so many wonderful authors are anxiously waiting to receive the helpful critique of our brilliant guessers?
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I too got the impression that this may have been a piece written exlusively for this game, because it's working so hard to be mysterious and evocative. If I'm wrong about that, then this promises to be an interesting concept.
I find the phrase "perfect child" bothersome. First of all, on one level it's creepy--but that may just be my own hang-ups showing. But beyond that, it just doesn't really mean anything. What is a perfect child? Children aren't (usually) perfect . . . is this merely a way of saying this person is a child in every discernible way? That's the way it reads to me, but then "perfect" isn't the right word to use. Is this child literally "perfect" in some way? Physically flawless to the point of the bizarre? Omniscient? Then I need more explanation beyond the throw-away adjective.
I like the use of the simile, but I don't know that the adjective "enormous" quite fits the mood. Maybe "infinite" or "endless."
Do ancient churches have leaves of paper on the shelves? Is this like an abandoned church, a cathedral, or what?
quote:blowing the flickering of candles to and fro
Something about this turn of phrase doesn't do it for me. First of all, I think I get what the author is attempting to describe, but "blowing the flickering" sounds awkward to me. Also, the phrase "to and fro" brings whimsical connotations to my mind, and so it breaks the spell somewhat. You rock to and fro when you are singing Christmas carols, or standing on the deck of the Love Boat. I realize that "back and forth" or "side to side" may seem more banal, but then, sometimes the opposite of banal is cliché. "To and fro" seems out of place, but it seems like a "typical" phrase as well.
Is there some reason the author had to refer to the glass as "color-glass" and not "stained glass"? My only thought is that perhaps this is a different world where the phrase "stained glass" is unknown. But even this doesn't make sense to me . . . I would just use the phrase which readers are going to recognize. "Color-glass" seems awkward to me. Also, somehow (forgive me if this is weak), a hyphenated adjective breaks the fantasy atmosphere for me. It makes me think modern . . . I get the sense, and maybe the linguists here can tell me if I'm full of it or not, that hyphenated phrases have come into much more frequent use in the last century or so, and so they seem out of place in gothic fantasy (which is what I am assuming this to be).
Incidentally, most stained glass windows in churches cannot be opened--particularly in old churches. No reason this church can't be different, of course, but again, it made me think of modern window-fixtures. Maybe a bit more elaboration than simply saying they were opened to reinforce the timeless/archaic setting. For instance, instead of merely being open, they could be propped open with a stick. They're just as open as before, but now they are open in a specifically low-tech way.
Once again, there's nothing in this that specifically says it has to take place long ago, but even if this is some sort of Highlander-esque invasion of fantasy elements into the modern world, I would think only a pretty ancient church would be suitable for this event, neh?
I'm not sure how I feel about "slivery silhouette." I personally have a very pared-down style, and I don't use a lot of figurative language and alliteration and the like, but I know that some people think that's a wonderful thing to do. (Of course, I also tend to prefer reading the works of authors with a similar pared-down style, like Card and Asimov.) I'm trying to stand aside from my prejudices and judge whether this works or is forced on its own merits, but I'm not sure I can decide. (I think this is the same problem TomD is having with some of the descriptions.)
Dead Knight capitalized . . . hmm . . .
I assume "The Dead Knight was come . . ." was deliberate archaicism. I reckon it works, with the general caveat that when one throws in too many mood-setters, one runs the risk of slipping into cliché.
This night is already dark and cloudy. All we need is a few drops before it becomes stormy as well.
I think that this piece does an effective job of piquing interest in this character. We see that she is a person of importance, not because she is a "perfect child," but because the coming of this Dead Knight is being met with total equanimity. It's also quite vivid, to the point where I feel like buttoning my sweater as I read it . . . and I'm not even wearing one!
I'm not at all convinced that the author is female. I think that a lot of the things that are making people guess female are simply fantasy/gothic tropes. Could be female, could be male, don't know.
I do think the author is young.
I'm thinking somebody who likes animé, or comic books. This is all very visual.
quote: The palest of moons peeked from the darkness in the sky behind the church, and with her back to it she faced the great ironwood doors as a slivery silhouette.
I somehow like the "palest of moons" phrase. It's impressive. But I think "slivery" is a typo, and if it's meant to be "silvery", I don't know that I understand quite what a silvery silhouette is. And are the doors open?
Again an argument about the Dead Knight. I think "was coming for her" would sound better, unless he is already there.
The author does seem young. But I don't know if it's strictly female...
posted
Too much description for my taste. Most of it doesn't have enough impact on the characterization to really be needed, and it gets in the way. My mind's eye is trying to picture too many things at once. The wind coming in and the moon shining certainly add to the fullness of the scene, but you need to channel them better so they emphasize this woman. Because of who she is, this is how the wind and the moon interact with her, and this is why that interaction is important. Characterize her all the way through the paragraph. Make everything point out how special and interesting she is. Otherwise she comes off as a copy of a cliche female fantasy character, as has already been said.
However, I thought the style and sentence structures were handled well, very much like a good fantasy novel. And I did like the ideas for the woman.
On a totally unrelated note, I'll guess...mmm...ludosti.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I have to agree with Icarus: young is the key (and pretty impressive for a first draft). I also agree that much investment is being made for mood that doesn't advance the characterization. Good for a novel, not so good for a short story.
How about Sarcastic Muppet?
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quote: There she stood at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child.
I like this sentence. It's a good opening sentence.
quote:There was a sadness in her eyes, a weight in them that was enormous like the sea.
As others have saidI think the wording here kind of hurts the meaning. I think I might combine the first two sentences into something like ". . . still a perfect child but for the sadness in her eyes, a weight as enormous as the sea."
quote:A light wind came through the open color-glass window and into the ancient church, scattering leaves of paper from shelves and blowing the flickering of candles to and fro.
Again, it's a little wordy and awkward. I would say something like "wind gusted through the open stained-glass window and into the ancient church, scattering leaves of paper from shelves and blowing the candle flames to and fro."
quote: The palest of moons peeked from the darkness in the sky behind the church, and with her back to it she faced the great ironwood doors as a slivery silhouette.
This sentence confuses me. She's inside the church, right? Wouldn't she only see the sky through the window? Why is the sky "behind" the church and not above it? Don't things usually peak from behind something, like clouds? Also, "slivery" isn't a word.
quote:The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
I'm assuming that the author is simply using the archaic "be + past participle" construction for intransitive verbs, whereas we now use "have" instead. I like it, but I think enough people are unfamiliar with it that they would misread it.
On the whole, I liked the imagery. I'm interested in reading more of this piece.
I'm going to make a stab in the dark and say saxon75.
[ November 18, 2003, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: Jon Boy ]
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posted
Okay, Anna just brought an interpretation to the table. Historically, the first person to do that is often the author. So I guess Anna. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
And since turn about is fair play I'm critiquing the critiquer
quote: Basically, it tries too hard to create an image. As such, it reads like one of those by-women-for-women fantasy historical novels, in which the guy the heroine falls for turns out to be some creature of the night.
This sounds exactly like something Tom Davidson is capable of writing particularly with the anime-ish tie-ins. So I think he is trying to throw people off the scent.
Guess II Tom Davidson
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