posted
I force fed myself a meat loaf and some mash potatoes, eating felt meaningless but I figured I should try to get something in me. Passers by make comments, “nice to see you eating again man”. I jump into bed early and lay there staring at the ceiling for three hours, fighting the urge to break something. When I come to it is 10:15. I take a shower, leaning limply against the tiled wall, letting the water run down my back. I'm starting to feel a little better. By 11 I’m eating breakfast, sitting with some of the guys. She walks in, I try not to look, I pretend I have not seen her. I finish up and leave. Back in my room the sunlight filters through my dirty window, reflecting of my computer screen. I pickup my book and go outside.
The bench was dry, cold. I liked it. When the guys found me I was staring at a tree, I had been for the past ten minutes, my eyes were slightly teary. They convince me to go down to the mall. I'm in no mood to argue... The air is cool and under my sweater my body is trembling. We run to catch the bus. The driver looks at me, I stare back at him. He does not lower his eyes. I start wishing I had a baseball bat, my friend pushes me forwards mumbling "don't". I start walking towards the back of the empty bus. Someone is sitting near a window. It's her, of all the luck... "working" indeed. There is no way out, no quick inconspicuous means of escape. I sit down. Though we talk, we say nothing. I contemplate what would happen if I were to jump out one of the windows, wondering if I could fit through the small space. Over the summer I saw a guy manage to get into a school bus through the window, similar windows.
We get off at our stop, which also happens to be hers. Our paths separate, I wave, I walk on. Four times I walk into her with my replacement. Four times I bite the bullet, I hold it all in. By the time we get back I’m exhausted. I go to my room, sit down. Nothing happens. Time passes, people knock… I sit.
How long does this last, when does it end… there is more but I can’t express it. Things are bad, work piles up on my desk, due dates approach… I just sit.
Once again I turn to the forum for advice... I need to forget, not to feel.
posted
Hang on. The main point right now is for you to survive from day to day. It won't always be so painful, though I know that's not much help for right now. (((Desu)))
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
You know, when I first saw this thread, I thought it was going to be a bit of fluff in which we all tried to post using only television sitcom titles.
I'm sorry that it's not.
That said, Desu, snap out of it. It gets better -- I swear, and the guy doing the swearing here (i.e. me) KNOWS what it's like to have a Doc Marten or two ground into his still-beating heart -- but it does NOT get better if you mope around like a lovesick sheep somehow trapped in a Moby video.
At best, this is going to go in one ear and out the other. At worst, it's going to tick you off. But when you're finally in a position to look back on this whole thing, sitting over dinner with the woman who'll actually DESERVE and WANT to be your wife, and laugh, I'd like to be on the record as the first Hatracker to remind you that the chick don't matter.
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Reading this, I realize I should clarify.
I have been there, man. I was the guy biting my lip on the phone to avoid sobbing. I was the guy who punched walls in frustration, and laid in bed all day, and walked around under a cloud just DARING people -- hopefully, girls -- to walk up to my obviously sensitive and aching self and ask what was wrong. And I'd tell them that the world had fallen apart, that the sun no longer shone. There's a poem by Dorothy Parker -- "the world's gone dim/and the moon's gone black/for I loved him/and he didn't love back" -- that sums it up, and sums it up in such a way as to make it obvious that Parker, who certainly knew a bit about heartbreak herself, knew exactly how ridiculous it was to feel that way -- but insisted on feeling it anyway, and was inwardly amused by the egotism of her own emotion.
Make no mistake. It IS egotism. It took me years -- and a bit of a Buddhist education -- to finally figure out that my attachment to the feeling was often distinct from the attachment to the individual, and that I'd often throw myself into relationships (or aspire to them, as in your case) because I not only liked the girl a lot but also, at heart, wanted to be the kind of person she'd love. But that misses the point, when you think about it: I can be the kind of guy she loves even if she doesn't love me. That can be HER mistake.
You're a decent guy, Desu. You're caring, sensitive, and helpful. And you'd like to be rewarded for that.
But here's a secret of the universe, helpfully provided for free: don't expect a reward. The universe will bogart that karma as long as you want it; it's bloody-minded like that.
You love her. She doesn't love back. It's a really simple equation, it hurts like hell, I'm more sympathetic than I sound -- but in the end, it's nothing to get hung about.
posted
Desu, I know what that's like as well. The first time I lost a serious, serious girlfriend I was distraught. A total wreck. Driving around listening to depressing music. Turning up to friends houses and staring into space. I thought I would always be empty.
It's not true. I didn't and haven't felt empty since. Yeah, I felt like crap for a while. Sometimes it hurt more than others. Slowly the pain grew less and eventually it didn't hurt anymore. One day when I saw her I looked at her and didn't want to hold her anymore.
Now I live with someone else and we're much better together. In fact, I wouldn't recognise the guy who went for the first girl. Like Tom said, you'll feel laugh about it one day.
Listen to depressing music. Get drunk (the hangover is better than the alcohol, trust me). Get angry and punch walls. Just don't do anything to hurt yourself and don't do anything to hurt anyone else.
Posts: 2945 | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted
It's this whole seeking attention, posting online, looking glum, feeling like shit... I knew not to get involved, I knew I could not handle it, but I tryed anyways hoping that maybe it would work. Now for some reason I feel the need to tell other people how I feel, but no one I know, I am too ashamed of my emotions to share them.
I make no sense.
Posts: 139 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
Then stop. Swallow hard, and move on. Thats the first step. Pick your broken body from the bottom of the empty pool and stand again on your own two feet.
Everything is a choice. You may not have the choice to be fine tomorrow. You do have the choice to move on. The pain won't move so quick, but you don't have to wait. Focusing on it doesn't help.
Why be ashamed. Your not a robot; cut you, and you bleed. Feeling is part of being real. I maybe the hardest thing you have ever done, but you have to do what you have to do. Telling someone else helps things from echoing in my head at least.
No one likes to lose.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Oct 2001
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How sensitive in the average guy? I'm the average guy, yet I believe I feel more than others do. I want more from people than a simple hello. I want more out of friendships than plank, sail and a place to stand. But why open up to get shut down? Why try and fail? Why not stand and watch others attempt what I dare not do - passive observation has always been one of my favorite activities. Why then did I feel the need to attempt the impossible? Or to make the possible real?
Why waste my time saying a lot of nothing, when nothing can say its self?
Then I reread the answers to my posts. There is no better adivce I can hope to obtain, but still I wait for more... hope for something, but what?
I feel embarrassed because I should know better than to fall, or jump in.
How can I have so much sentimental attachment to someone?
I recently learned some disturbing news, very disturbing news. News that will probably lead to more bad news. People getting hurt, badly.
Then there the friend I have lost to the institution. Not mental, but educational. He was a good guy, unfairly treated. He told the truth and was betrayed, he got confused and lied, he lied and is no more.
All things add up, mass within. I horde emotions and dispense smiles. I try to be nice. Why does no one care that things such as these happen. There is no justice, I have always known it but never felt it.
Posts: 139 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
"There is no justice, I have always known it but never felt it."
Just to put this in perspective, two toddlers were killed with a car bomb last week. If you're going to mope, please mope about the big things.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
I'm sorry... These sort of things are rough, threads breaking and all. And no one can just say, Snap out of it because it hurts, it hurts like hell and it will hurt. For a long time, for a couple of weeks, months, even a year. Or one second you may forget for a while then it can come back, full force. Nothing to do but to wait, to let yourself heal. But take care of yourself in the meantime. Do things you like, write a bout it in a journal, listen to music that makes you feel better. Nothing right now will make it hurt less, but one day it will stop hurting. Until then, notice that there is a lot of beauty out there even in the middle of the worse pain.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Beware the depresive cycle. I know there is a word for it, better, more descriptive, but I can't think of it now.
Its when you are depressed over something, and then you get mad at your self for being depressed over it. That gets you more depressed. Then you get mad at yourself for getting more depressed, or for getting mad at yourself, or for being so depressed you don't do your work or wash the dishes. What ever it is, it becomes a cycle, going ever deeper, ever darker, until getting out is almost impossible.
The truth is to accept that you are miserable. It is as inevitable as a stone wall, and as strong and as real. Being depressed about losing in love is not a weakness of character, or a weakness on intellect.
It is you.
It is something to be embraced as a sign that you do love, that you do care, that you are a good person, and not a robot or a cad.
People change, things change, hearts change. Perhaps she will be yours after this romance sours. Perhaps a new, better, more constant love is awaiting at the mall.
By you being able to accept your saddness, you are proving to be worthy of it.
posted
Look, I know there are worse things that happen in the world, like i've said before I don't understand why I feel like this, but I do.
Posts: 139 | Registered: Nov 2003
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Hang on. The main point right now is for you to survive from day to day. It won't always be so painful, though I know that's not much help for right now. (((Desu)))
