I haven't been on AIM for a few days because I am overwhelmed. Maybe it's Christmas, maybe it's housework, more than likely it's because my kid is in need of Anger Management Counseling. That's right. My five year old son needs Anger Management.
Now, I have been involved in Anger Management before, counseling young, beaten wives to tell their husband's commanders that their soldiers need Anger Management Counseling. I have had several seminars on Anger Management Techniques within the Army Family. I never thought I would read the words "Anger Management" and "Christopher needs" in the same sentence.
Christopher had a rough couple of weeks in the beginning of the school year starting Kindergarten. He cried a lot, was defiant, refused to participate. This was upsetting, but he was progressing, according to his teacher. His teacher and I had daily communication through the use of a journal traded back and forth.
He has a lot of emotions, I guess. I relate. I was always a 'moody' child, myself. I still cry a lot, for just about any reason (anger, sadness, poignancy). I'm okay with that.
Christopher's emotions, though, keep him from participating fully in class, and sometimes he has what the teacher calls 'meltdowns' and she has to put him in a sit/stay (dog terms, but applicable) or have him talk to the teacher's assistant about how he feels and how he can express his feelings appropriately. He has thrown chairs, laid on the floor and refused to move, sat in the cubby area and cried to go home. These are the typical meltdowns. He was learning to control himself, and never had hurt any children.
Until last week.
He hit/pushed some of his classmates and the teacher had him talk to the counselor. I got a looong note that day in the journal, and the teacher and counselor agreed that Christopher needed 'Anger Management'. She actually wrote that term down in the book. That's very alarming! They needed me to sign a permission slip to allow him to go to counseling a couple of times a week, alone and in a group, to learn how to deal with his emotions. Now, if they had not used the term 'Anger Management', I don't think I would have spiralled into the crying and self-blame.
I'm better now.
But I don't want to carry this burden. Certainly, it's a small burden compared to most, and it's something we can work on, but I am sad and resentful and it sucks.
The book 'Raising the Spirited Child' was recommended to me, and I began reading it, and within two pages I was crying. A 'Spirited Child' is special and usually very smart and very vibrant and sensitive and all of these other things, including superemotional.
I do not want this for my kid.
I was overjoyed when he exhibited slow (to me) reading capability. When he progressed steadily and hesitantly, I had a little internal party. I was 'special' when I was a kid (only moderately, she said humbly), and it was not easy. I was in a Gifted and Talented program, and fifty percent of the kids in my class were certifiable geniuses. It was a very tough row for them to hoe. The quirky, sensitive geniuses I hung out with in High School were off-the-charts weird.
I don't want this for my kid.
I want him to be a Jock with all Bs because he studied hard. I want him to be a plumber whose hobby is gardening. I want him to be a passably good reader. I want him to have a savings account and a mortgage with good financing. I want him to be a cautious driver and a good dad.
I'm not saying that these things are not attainable when you are 'spirited', I'm just saying that these things are *enough* when you are somewhat limited.
I'm worried about him. I love him. I want him to be 'enough'.
Posts: 1545 | Registered: May 2002
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Okay. On one hand, I can understand this; it's hard to think that your child might face challenges that he can't handle, and from which you cannot defend him. But according to the Bible, Mary and Joseph wanted Jesus to stay a carpenter, too.
I'm not sure that the price of being safe is being mediocre -- but speaking as a prospective parent, myself, I'm not sure I'd pay it if it were.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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It sounds to me that it's more like "I don't want him to go through what I had to." And that's perfectly acceptable. But I don't think he'd want that, if he understood what was going on. I know I wouldn't. I agree with Tom- If he has the potential to be great, let him. Don't hold him back.
Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Jexx, I can tell it took a lot to reveal those emotions, thank you. I was a Psych Tech at a local hospital in Nebraska and it was very scary at times. It would give me nightmares to look in some of those kids' eyes, you could see the rage just begging to be released. But, you want to know something? The ones who had that look never had parents like you. There was no one to come and visit these children, they didn't have parents who cared enough to express their concerns on a website, they were abandoned and they were pissed. The ones who were able to learn to modify their destructive behavior were the smart ones, the smart ones with the parents who would always be there for them. You obviously care a great deal for your little boy, and you deserve a big hug for being you. Keep your chin up, Jexx.
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I completely understand what you're saying jexx. I want my children to have tons of friends, and go to parties, real parties, not the 15 person game nights I have. And spend inordinate amounts of money and time on makeup and clothing, and go out on dates every friday night, and generally have the life I don't have. So yea, I understand. I hope everything works out.
((((((((((((((Jexx and Christopher)))))))))))))))))
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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As parents, I think that we're prepared to have a child that needs a little bit of extra help in reading or math, but it's hard to look at interpersonal and emotional growth through the same objective scope.
I think that the accademic and verbal capacities of many gifted kids develop much faster than their physical and emotional abilities. It must be very frustrating to "know" so much, but not be able to trust that someone else is playing rather than being mean, or to be told to practice your "B"'s when you want to talk about the Nile River.
John had many of these problems in kindergarten. The school's director, a child behaviorist, counselled us. The prescription we were given wasn't anger management therapy but play. The behaviorist told us to turn-off the Discovery Channel and turn on cartoons; stop doing homework and start chasing him around the house with a squirt-gun. She also told the teacher's to do the same thing whenever possible in the classroom.
We struggled through the rest of his kindergarten year, but he literally blossomed as he entered first grade. It's like he "relaxed" and allowed us and the teachers to guide him through the interpersonal problems. And because he liked to be in control of his emotions and have friends, he began to study the problems and develop an arsenal of strategies.
It's still alot of work for him, but just like everything else, the more he practices, the easier it gets.
As a second grader, he is very popular and the first to try to solve a problem through laughter or words.
I think the regular diet of Sponge Bob and water balloons has helped too.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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Jen, CR isn't one of those boys that end up admitted to hospitals. He's a good kid with good parents and whatever he's meant to be, it'll be good.
BTW, I got something better than dinosaur pills. I got BUG PILLS. I'll mail them ASAP. Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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I'm so glad you're getting so much cooperation from his teacher and school. When my kids have had issues along these lines, I keep feeling that I'm being told what I must do by the administrators. They all have tons of degrees and experience, I know.
But until recently, I felt like I had to battle them, not work with them. Fortunately, that's changing recently. They've brought in someone to help adjust the way the school deals with kids and parents, and she's great. Things are gradually changing.
But it sounds like your son's teacher and school are really working with you. Good -- this will be tough enough with their help. Helping some kids (in my experience, especially boys) learn how to express their emotions in a socially acceptable manner is HARD. For them and you.
But you will get through it. You are clearly a concerned and caring mom, and I'm sure he's a sweet kid.
OTOH, I can't relate to not wanting this for your kid. My kids show signs (to varying degrees) of the stereotypical "geeky" behavior. So do I, so does their dad. So do my parents -- well, my mom a bit less so; my sister, my brothers.
So what? Yes, there are drawbacks. Lots of them! But IMO, they are outweighed by the positives. Being average has never been something I aspired to on behalf of my kids. I hope they will all be great -- each in their own unique way.
And your son will be great. Don't be afraid to dream big dreams! But that doesn't mean he can't be all the things you've been dreaming for also -- especially the cautious driver and good dad. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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You have my heartfelt hugs.. HOWEVER, you also need to be realistic. The worse thing in the world I ever did to my son (who is now in college) was try to shove his "round peg" into a square hole.
Yes, I know you WANT for him to not have to deal with the issues you dealt with -- but you really need to see what he IS, not what you want. Find out why he is so frustrated.
My oldest was unhappy all of grade school, and finally had enough and went ballistic in 5th grade -- at me. Put him in mental evaluation for awhile -- and basically what they told me was that he was EXTREMELY frustrated at being very intelligent and being stuck in below-level work. But he doesn't know how to communicate that, because he doesn't know there are other options. We jumped him 3 grades, and most of the anger went away. My second son also had issues, not with violent anger, but with passive/agressive, and we went through four years of trying to figure it out before realizing he had a severe learning disability (dyslexia) that he was constantly trying to compensate for.
So usually there is a reason for the meltdowns, and that is what I hope you find. My oldest is still very unflexible -- but the book "The Explosive Child" (by Ross Greene, I think) really helped me understand him and deal with that in a constructive way. He just doesn't shift from "plan A" to "plan B" very well in any situation. I have also read that "Raising your Spirited Child" that you mentioned, but that helped more with child #2, the one who have more sensory sensitivities.
Anger management courses are not a bad thing -- sometimes it helps kids to realize they are not the only ones who have these feelings, and to learn to express them in a better way.
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Jexx, please try to keep in mind that a child's future personality cannot be predicted with any degree of accuracy based solely on a few weeks of kindergarden. Right?
Does he act the same way outside of school or has this just began with kindergarden?
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
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If I would've known all the emotions and heartstrings that kids could and would violently tug at....
....hmmmm...I would have still had them.
Everyday of my life, I'm denied complete mind numbing, comatose happiness because of my children, two boys and a girl. All of them with their own gifts and challenges.
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If/when I ever become a parent, I think my biggest fear would be having truly average children. Not because they would disappoint me in any way, but because I'd be afraid I wouldn't understand them and be able to provide for them what they need as well as I would for nerds.
My brothers and I were/are nerdy, emotionally weird, socially awkward, and very bright, and so were our parents as children, and now. The majority of our friends weigh in on the geeky side, too.
If I had a socially comfortable, "normal" (or whichever word you want to use) child, I'm afraid I'd be as baffled as "normal" parents are raising a nerd.
I don't think being totally weird is such a bad thing. Figuring out who you are and where you fit in and how everything works is a difficult and frustrating and rewarding experience for everyone - it's just that some people start hitting hard parts in kindergarten, and some go along comfortably for longer.
My brothers and I were total nightmares in primary school, but our parents and teachers were there for us, like you and your son's teachers are there for your son. I certainly don't feel like my life is any less wonderful for being weird. Life is just life - and I am just me.
Anyway, take heart. Being difficult is good, too. Posts: 188 | Registered: Dec 2002
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jexx, I sympathize, I really do. My sweet Liam got bumped form a preschool class last year for melting down and acting out (hitting, kicking... I think there was also an attempedt eye-gouging O_O ). Tjis was a 2 year old preschool class (he turned 3 after a week of school, and most of the others were younger.
I had him tested, and he went into speech therapy, and started in a public preschool for kids with delays. I was crushed, because I knew then as it is obvious now, he's a very bright kid. He just wasn't processing language normally. He couldn't understand what was expected of him and he couldn't express himself. I was worried, because some people hinted that he might be one of those kids with no empathy, and that scared me.
But after less than a year in speech therapy, he was testing age-appropriate or higher in all his skills, and is doing well in his regualar preschool class this year (only 2 mornings a week, for 3 hours-- which was the sme as last year, when he couldn't handle it).
Part of it is the great teachers he's had, and part of it is the teachers I'VE had-- learning how to help him acquire language skills that are supposed to come naturally. Now he's considered gifted, too.
The hardest part was seeing how much he was like me, and not wanting him to face what I did, growing up. I mean, I was in my 20s before i learned how to deal with my emotions positively, and my 30s before it got really easy.
But he's my son, and as much as I might want him to be like somebody else, he's like me. *shrug*
Helping him through this has also helped me learn to love the parts of me that I see and love in him. Our job is to help them with the tools they need to make their own choices, even if we just want them to be average and happy.
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I hear you, jexx. My wife and I figure our boy is “spirited,” too. So far he’s been very good at kindergarten (except for the first couple of weeks when he refused to go and had to be physically dragged from the car), but there have been times at home when he’s gone absolutely ballistic.
Still, it’s good to know there are other kids out there like you son, isn’t it?
Don’t get hung up on the term “Anger Management.” At that age, it’s just a term, which amounts to a bunch of crap. Just consider that, in my boy’s last kindergarten report card, he did “outstanding” in Geometry, Algebra, and Statistics. (I know they are pushing the kids harder nowadays, but geez… ) The term means nothing outside of the reality, which is that your son has temper tantrums.
I wish I had some good advice for that, but we are struggling with them, too. The only thing we’ve figured out is that yelling and spanking do no good. Only by distracting him, through tickling or a cartoon on TV, will he forget that he’s angry. Although sometimes we have to go with more stringent measures when he goes too far.
It ain’t easy, is it?
Also, try not to worry about how he will grow up. He may become a geek, he may become a jock. He may become a Goth (Lord forbid!). The bottom line is that, although you get a vote, it doesn’t count for that much. He will be who he will be, regardless of what you want him to be. His personality and abilities will determine who he is. The best you can do is guide him past the worst pitfalls, towards the greatest rewards, and share in his triumphs and defeats. But he is going to have to go through hell while growing up. After all, why should he be any different from the rest of the world?
But we all survived. He will, too. Especially with a parent who worries about him as much as you do. And loves him as much as you do.
Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jan 2000
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quote: . The school's director, a child behaviorist, counselled us. The prescription we were given wasn't anger management therapy but play. The behaviorist told us to turn-off the Discovery Channel and turn on cartoons; stop doing homework and start chasing him around the house with a squirt-gun.
I wish I had had more of this from my parents. Instead my memories are of my father pulling one of his college biology texts off the bookshelf and me sitting in his lap reading it for his friends. I was happy because it made him happy. I guess the advantage is that already knew the Krebs cycle when I ran across it in college biology because that was what he had had me read about all those years before when I didn't actually understand what I was reading. The one *fun* memory I have is that mom and dad would toss me up and down while I lay on a big blanket and then dump me into bed at night. Mom did lots and lots of crafts, and I enjoyed them but it was always work to get them *right* not really fun because they never looked good enough.
Even making sand castles at the beach was more work than fun, though I did like digging holes for fun.
Well yes...I would think they'd need a report card if their studying Algebra, Geometry and Statistics in Kindergarten.
Posts: 3771 | Registered: Sep 2002
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What do people mean by average? I always wonder that. I wish they would have hid me from the news when I was a kid. My odd senses and whatever make me still feel like a mutant even to this day. I wonder why that is...
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Just for clarification, geometry meant recognizing basic shapes, statistics meant recognizing patterns (as in horse-cow-horse-cow-horse-what comes next?) and I forget what algebra meant.
As you can see, the reality of what he is studying does not quite match the common use of these terms!
Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jan 2000
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Thank you, everybody, for your words and hugs. I know that you are right, that Christopher is a fine little boy who needs some guidance in controlling his emotions. I also know that if he was *not*...well...weird...I would be even more worried. Heh.
Funny story: when my brother and I were little, my dad would hold us up in the air and ask us, "What do you say when someone calls you 'weird'?" Dutifully we would reply, "Thank you!" My dad is definitely weird. Weird has a positive connotation in my family. I think that's a good thing.
I was going to go down the list and respond to every single post, but I don't think I'm going to do that. I still have Christmas Cards to get finished . I will say this: yes, I want him to have it easy; yes, I know that is unfair to him; don't worry, I won't stifle his 'weirdness'; thank you, I feel very lucky to be the parent of an essentially terrific little dude; Thank you, for the book recommendation; thank you, for the personal stories (thank you so much!); mack, bug pills, yer killin' me, hehe.
Tomorrow is Christopher's school's Holiday Concert. I'm excited and apprehensive. What if he has a meltdown? Zoinks.
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Whew! Christopher was awesome at his Holiday Concert (and the other kids were terrific, too). He was a general ham (but stayed in his spot!) and followed along as best a kindergartener can while trying to sing "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland" (that song has a LOT of words!). There was one part of the program where the kids danced around while singing, and while everyone else was just sort of wiggling, Christopher did the twist with his fingers in 'vees' like in Pulp Fiction. It was hilarious!
I was scared at the beginning, because he didn't see me in the dark theater, and I could read his lips as he said, "Where's my mom?", getting a little flustered. But then he saw my frantic waving, and he was fine. He blew me kisses! It was sweet.
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I don't have time for a long reply, Jexx because my kids' holiday concert at church is in three hours or so and they're about to be home from school and I'll be busy getting them ready and keeping my oldest from freaking. She has a dance solo.
Anyway, I am also one who can empathize, and I can especially relate to what you said in your first post about the self-shame issues. I worry all the time that people think I'm a bad mother, because my kids aren't typical. Natalie is one of those gifted kids that doesn't fit in with her peers, she has a lot of problems making friends simply because she doesn't want to talk about the same things they do. She wants to talk about LOTR, or the Civil War period, or what it must have been like for the pioneers travelling across the West in covered wagons. She has no current interest in boys or makeup or anything except reading, writing stories, ballet, and whatever she's currently studying.
It seems like a lot of her peers aren't interested in anything except boys and makeup. *sigh*
I'm glad things went so well for you at the concert.
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jxx, I would love for you to meet my kids...
It hasn't easy raising them and watching them grow up. They have had their share of problems and not fitting in issues. But the results, so far, are very satisfying, if I do say so myself.
((((jexx))))
[ December 18, 2003, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: Ela ]
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) The term means nothing outside of the reality, which is that your son has temper tantrums.
