posted
Singles awareness day is quickly approaching and I am, for the third year in a row, dateless.There is this guy that I am sort of seeing (we're both seniors in high school) but I can't decided what to think of us. Guys always claim that girls are the confusing ones, but in fact...boys really are much harder to read! At least this one is. In all of the collective and infinite wisdom found here at hatrack I was hoping that some people would be able to offer some insight into my situation.
I suppose the first question is whether or not we're more friend material or boyfriend/girlfriend material. He is extremely smart and very quiet and shy. This is a new venture for me because almost everybody i've ever dated in the past has been pretty forward and I can almost always tell where we stand. We've spent almost every Friday or Saturday night together for the past 2 months or so either on a dinner/movie deal or at my house playing games and watching movies. He's met my family (even played dominoes with my mom and brother and me) and they like him a lot. Sounds kind of obvious right? Wrong. Recently he's been acting kind of weird and instead of waiting for me after school and between passing periods (like he used to do every day) he's taken to avoiding me and quickly saying hi before he runs off. I haven't done anything that (at least in my opinion) would scare him away or tick him off. What exactly does abrupt avoidance and distancing mean for guys? Is it out of the norm for a guy to not make ANY form of a move after almost 2 months? Can this be contributed to shyness or does he think of us as buddy buddy only?
My friend's big mouth asked him a couple of questions along this line and it of course turned into a big disaster. She and another girl were giggling and whispering beforehand and then confronted him in the middle of history class where i'm sure half the class could hear their conversation. He said that he thought of us as "just friends" but according to my buddies he was acting really nervous and twisting his hands. Translation???
So basically, from the perspective of anyone who is either a shy smart guy or someone who's been in a similar situation as myself...what can you conclude? I like this guy but don't know what he really thinks. I'm considering asking him to "officially" go with me on Valentine's day, but even I don't want to fall flat on my face like an idiot. Is this a smart move? General relationship advice would be awesome and any feedback on my "plight" would be great! Thanks in advance...I know I can count on Hatrack people to help a sister!
BTW-I gave him a copy of Ender's Game and he really liked it; he read it in 2 days or so so I assume he really must have!
Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Heh! God, this brings back memories of junior high... Oh Jennifer, Nicole, couldn't you have loved me for me?
But to get back to your rather cute problem, don't ask the dude to date you "officially." Ask him out, and if things are going well, lean him back, and kiss to remind him he's a woman. Things work out from there, depending on his reaction.
By the way, you're a sister of a Hatracker? Or did you mean you're just a sistah? I'm confused, as I'm counting three posts in your Hatrack existence.
Posts: 3293 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Well, since I'm only a year out of high school myself, I don't think this is too far out of my arena.
One thing, I agree with what Lalo said, kiss they guy and see what he does. If he avoids you, then you know he just wants to be friends. If not, then go from there.
Let me ask you this though: What's worse, losing a friend because you wanted to be "dating" during Valentines Day, or not "dating" somebody? Your choice really. There is a risk but you can't always sit back and read people like a book, sometimes you just have to put yourself out there. If it doesn't work out with this one person, oh well. You'll find somebody.
quote:My friend's big mouth asked him a couple of questions along this line and it of course turned into a big disaster. She and another girl were giggling and whispering beforehand and then confronted him in the middle of history class where i'm sure half the class could hear their conversation. He said that he thought of us as "just friends" but according to my buddies he was acting really nervous and twisting his hands. Translation???
This is bad. Now he probably thinks you don't have the courage to ask him yourself, so you just had your friends do it for you.
[ February 12, 2004, 03:13 AM: Message edited by: Nick ]
Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
It's possible this guy feels as if he's getting in over his head, in which starting off with a Kiss may NOT be a good way to go. I remember situations in High School where I would be friends with a girl, think she's kind of cute, and then sometimes wonder about what it would be like to be a couple. Then, sometimes the girl actually STARTED to show more attention, and I didn't know what to do about it, so I kind of freaked out, and acted much the way he is.
Yep. I was (am) a bit of a dork.
But now, at least, I'm a dork with experience.
I think what would've helped is if in those situations it was discussed head on, to get all the pretense and confusion out of the way. Getting him to say he's not ready for something is better than wondering if it's because he thinks you smell like fermented seaweed.
Communication is KEY in Friendships - and Romantic Relationships should be, if anything, extensions of a firm friendship, so Communication is even MORE important.
So talk to the kid. It may take a few false starts, but in the end it'll be for the best.
posted
I'm outta highschool (and college! I dropped out, though, so that's not sayin' much. Heh.) but I remember those times well.
What Taalcon said. Just TALK to the dude. Be honest and clear (or at least TRY to be). Good luck!
...then again, I've had, what, ONE girlfriend, and that only lasted ten months; maybe ya shouldn't take advice from me. Posts: 1595 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Hmmm... Well, let's see... For me, it's the 23rd straight year dateless on V-day. Although, I suppose I'll only count from 16 so that would make it 8 years dateless. I have had 2 girlfriends, but those relationships were both short, ugly and sweet (not necessarily in that order).
I must admit, I have no idea what's going on with this guy. Of course, I don't relate to most guys at all when it comes to their feelings about women. I know guys who claim to be shy around the fairer sex and wind up in a new relationship every other month. It boggles my mind.
And good heavens! All of these suggestions about kissing the guy!
Of course, Lalo was the first to mention it...
Posts: 1295 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
I don't know about kissing the guy.. You might scare him off. You could try inviting him over on Saturday to watch a movie (or go see one) and do the typical "lean my head against his shoulder" sorts of things first.
If he hangs out with you that much, he certainly doesn't dislike you...
Edit: *sigh* I'm so young.
[ February 12, 2004, 04:27 AM: Message edited by: Nato ]
Posts: 1592 | Registered: Jan 2001
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quote: We've spent almost every Friday or Saturday night together for the past 2 months or so either on a dinner/movie deal or at my house playing games and watching movies.
Aren't they to that point already? Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
I second (or third or fourth) the idea of communicating. He may think too much time has passed to make a "move." He may have made one, but it wasn/t obvious to you, and he thinks you don't want that kind of relationship. His nervousness when confronted by your friends could be not wanting to admit you don't want him.
So either ask, or make a "move" at an appropriate time.
quote:Is it out of the norm for a guy to not make ANY form of a move after almost 2 months?
I don't think girls understand the pressure involved with making a move, especially when the guy really likes the girl. He may be afraid you won't reciprocate and the friendship will end.
posted
If he truly is very shy and quiet, I certainly don't think a kiss is the way to determine what the status is.
My oldest son has exactly the same personality as the guy she describes. He really really liked this one girl back when he was in high school. Liked her so much he was terrified of her. He bought her a present for her birthday. I happened to be at the scene when he presented the present to her. She was thrilled with the gift, and grabbed him and gave him a huge hug! (she was very outgoing). He reacted about the same as an icicle! I have never seen anyone go so stiff in my entire life! He was absolutely petrified when she touched him!
He spent the rest of the year doing this:
and saying "when someone hugs you, HUG them back!" to himself.
He's shy. You're shy. You're both young. You like each other a lot, hang out, and get all flustered when you think about anything "more."
So what you do is, you invite him to dinner for Valentine's Day. You then give him a card. And a rose. And hope.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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And they only get worse. (There isn't an appropriate smilie that doesn't make me look bitter, or I'd have used one.)
Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
Dear lord, this story is about me. Only, I'm the aforementioned guy. And the girl was teaching me how to tap dance. Hmm... after a few months of that we wound up going out for almost 3 years until we went to schools that were many, many miles away and both started to grow in different directions. Ah, but you never love like your first. Although, the situation that found us thrown together isn't one I'd wish on anybody. Anyway, do basically what others have said, if you really want to be with him. Tell him you *really* like him. He'll probably say, "huh..." and be silent for a matter of minutes or hours. Like Tom said, you have to sit tight and hope.
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
My first theory for some reason was that he likes you, but he started thinking about Valentine's Day coming up before you did, and freaked himself out because he didn't know what to do and therefore started backing off. Valentine's Day IMO can put a lot of pressures and unecessary expectation on a friendship/budding relationship.
What I would say to him (of course it is always much easier to figure out on paper than to say IRL) is something along the lines of, "Hey it is Valentine's Day, this weekend, do you want to do something together? We can be as romantic or unromantic as you want to be." I'm not sure of the exact wording, but something that lets him know you are somewhat interested while still leaving him an escape route if he isn't.
posted
There's always the chance that he misread a signal (or lack thereof) from you, and is keeping space because he really likes you, but is respectful of your desires. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
posted
goodness. just tell him you need to talk to him, find a quiet place, and say something along the lines of "hey, i've really enjoyed hanging out with you for the last 2 months, but you seem a little distant lately, so i thought i would check with you before making plans for valentines day. i'd really like to spend it with you, but if you don't feel the same i'll understand."
or whatever the highschool version of that is.
under no circumstances should you a) write him a note, b) let your friends do it, c) make him feel bad or pressured about telling you the truth or d) go in for the smooch without the go-ahead. there's nothing worse than playing dodge-the-unwanted-smooch.
posted
I say go for the smooch. You've got two options really. Either the boy's into you, in which case the kiss is going to go a long way towards breaking through the shyness or he's not into you, in which case this is the fastest way to find out. You're going to have a really messed up relationship if you've got this elephant in the room anyway.
I had pretty much the same situation happen to me in high school (well, neither one of us was that shy) and it worked out fine. The girl asked if she could ask me a question, drew me into a secluded spot, laid a kiss on me, and then asked me "So, what do you think?" It worked great.
Disclaimer: I dated a lot in high school, so my perspective may be a lot different.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Did he start acting "distant" after your friends grilled him? Maybe he it just occurred to him that the whole school might be thinking you're dating.
Is he shy and nerdy, or just shy? If he's shy and a bit nerdy, do you know if he's had a girlfriend before? If he hasn't, this might all be new and vaguely frightening to him. He might really like you but is afraid. If he's shy and very smart, more than likely he was picked on for a large portion of his school years. If it suddenly occurred to him, when your friends were questioning him, that people might think you are dating, he might have also realized that every asshole jock in the locker room might start giving him a hard time about it.
There is another possibility that no one has brought up, yet. Have you considered the possibility that he might be gay? Maybe he was cool with hanging out with you till he (mistakenly) thought you had your friends ask if he *like* liked you.
I like checkerspot's idea. Though I'd probably do it in more of a "Hey, why you acting so weird lately? You afraid people will start thinking we're dating? What, am I not good enough for you?" Done in the proper tone, he should be laughing around this point and time and apologising for being a jerk. Then you can ask him, "Seriously, what are we doing? Are we going out or hanging out?"
[ February 12, 2004, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: jack ]
Posts: 171 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Do you touch alot? Just like random sit close enough to touch, legs touching under the table, sort of things? Before my boyfriend and I started dating we did stuff like that a lot, it might be an indicater? Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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It isn't latent anger. I should just ask on the 22YOMH thread, but boys around me INSIST that I am attractive. Absolutely insist. But no dates. Ever, since I broke up with my ex (in November).
I must be doing something wrong.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Well, I just recently read a Jane Austen novel (Mansfield Park) and am therefore immensely qualified to solve this romantic dilemma. Okay, here goes:
First, when he comes over to your estate for tea, go sit in a corner, don't look at him, and blush alot. Let your dumber, flirtier older sisters occupy his attentions. Then at dinner time, when some other stupid person starts to make an opinion on something, disagree with him/her and say what you feel on the subject, which will invariably be exactly the quality that this other guy will be looking for in a wife. Then marry your cousin because he's worth alot of money.
posted
I am not sure if this will help, but I was that very shy boy back in high school. I was a senior, but had never had the nerve to ask anyone out. I had had several crushes, but could not act upon any of them.
... until, this very cute girl had a knee injury and I had my "ice breaker" to talk to her. We started talking in the halls at school and eventually I asked her to go to a friend's party with me. We started seeing movies together and hanging out with her family and stuff for a couple of months.
The problem was that I had no idea how to go about kissing her. Did she just think of me as a friend? Would I die on the spot if I found out that she didn't think of me the same way?
I am not sure if everyone understands the workings of the desperately shy. I got to the point where the fear of rejection easily outweighed the potential for a more meaningful relationship. In my mind, I could still believe that she liked me and I didn't have to confront the possibilty that she didn't.
Well, she finally made the first move. She held my hand and as my heart was racing, raised it to her lips and kissed my hand.
I have no idea if I would have ever made the first move. I am so thankful that she did. I am still too shy and almost never make the first move, which explains why all these years later, I too am looking at this weekend as Single Awareness Day.
Posts: 115 | Registered: Aug 2003
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