posted
A friend of mine is going through a really tough time. His mom overcame thyroid cancer 4 years ago and recently had a mastectomy as a result of breast cancer. About 4 months ago, his dad left her for another woman.
The 35 yr marriage was perfection from the outside…two beautiful, professional people, who had two perfect children. They looked like the "Senator & Mrs. Senator" when they entered a room.
About 6 months ago, the dad was diagnosed with the beginning stages of Parkinson’s. Shortly afterward, he began seeing a woman who is the wife of a long-time client, gambling heavily and being emotionally abusive to his wife and sons (31 and 33).
The mom doesn't want to lose him, so he has moved into and out of the house 5 times in the last 4 months. Despite the fact that he is cheating on her, she values her marriage and the father of her children and allows him to come back whenever the other woman decides to go back to her husband or he gets lonely for the family.
He moved-out permanently last week. Through marriage counseling, he revealed that he wanted to pursue a cross-dressing lifestyle and he couldn't do it while living with his wife.
The mom has known about his need to wear woman's clothing since before they married. She always accepted it and hid his tendency from the kids. They didn't find out until last week... actually, he still doesn't know that they know.
The dad wants to marry the other woman. He's already bought the ring.
I joked with my friend, "Why would he leave your mom if she's always accepted him? Does he want to share clothes with this other woman?" The answer was "YES! The other woman is 6'2" and weighs a bit more than the dad. Plus, she's a hairdresser."
My friend is trying very hard to understand how his perfect family has become so unrecognizable in so little time.
I don't know what to say or how to help.
Questions: *Can Parkinson’s medication change a person’s personality to the point of causing infidelity and gambling?
*What does it mean to pursue a "cross-dressing" lifestyle? It's got to be more than just putting on a dress in the morning.
*What drives a person to decide that his need to look different is more important than his family?
Shocker. It's a very small risk, but that is the first website that Google brought up with the search words Parkinson and medication.
Most of the infidelity related effects of meds seem to be delusions of spousal infidelity. I would think that a major medical problem would jar anyone, and could cause anything from depression to completely re-evaluating ones life and making major changes. Not the smart thing to do, but I can see how it could happen. It sounds like there is depression involved at least. The fact that he has been angry and abusive are signs of that.
He says he can't pursue the "cross-dressing" lifestyle with his wife. I'm wondering if, since even his kids didn't know, the wife hasn't really been all that supportive. I mean, she lets him cross-dress around the house, when no one is looking, but maybe he wants to go to work everyday dressed like a woman. Maybe his wife would be okay with this, but he wouldn't be. Maybe, in his life with his wife and their friends, he can't imagine being comfortable enough to dress up and the safety of another woman, with a different set of friends that hasn't known him as a non-cross-dresser for 30 years is more appealing.
quote:What drives a person to decide that his need to look different is more important than his family?
I don't think it's his need to look different that he's putting ahead of family. He's just found out he's got a major medical problem that will probably cripple him in a short time span. He's probably always felt restrained with his lifestyle and has decided that he put in his time, raised kids for nearly 35 years and if he's only got a few years left, he's going to do what he wants for a change. Again, I'm not agreeing with him, but my mother in law did pretty much the same thing when she divorce, and her kids weren't anywhere near as old as his kids are.
I'm sorry your friend is having a rough time. I'd definitely have him ask if his dad is taking a dopamine agonist. If he is, he might consider discussing the situation with his dad's doctor. Also, regardless of the medication, it would help for him to let the doctor know that he was concerned about depression and ask him/her to check it out during the next visit.
Posts: 171 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
The question of abuse versus mental illness came up in that marriage thread a while back. I think if she wants to be welcoming of him for the kids sake, it's up to her, but I wouldn't resume full marital relations.
That's so weird that he's left for another woman and he's actively cross dressing. Though why she married him... I guess it was a different time when they married. I know cross dressing can be a separate fetish from homosexuality. Homosexuality is not diagnosable mental illness, but gender identity disorder is.
But I hope she can see this for the mental illness symptoms. Also make that clear to the grown sons. This situation has got to make them apprehensive about aging. My grandpa had dementia before he died (at like 93) and his daughters all went through grief over thinking that is how they will die.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:I don't think it's his need to look different that he's putting ahead of family. He's just found out he's got a major medical problem that will probably cripple him in a short time span. He's probably always felt restrained with his lifestyle and has decided that he put in his time, raised kids for nearly 35 years and if he's only got a few years left, he's going to do what he wants for a change.
Wow, put in these terms it's alot easier to feel compassion for the man. And that's what I'm looking for... a way to help my friend find forgiveness for a man who has dissapointed him by shaking apart the illusion of the man he's called "Dad". It's hard to understand the dad's fetish, but easy to understand a feeling of mortality and a desire to live the rest of one's life as if it were the last day.
I was hoping that the meds could be at least partially at fault. BTW- Nice to meet you jack. Thanks for your thoughts.
mac- I'm not sure of the names of the meds the dad is on. I'll ask.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
There are certainly subcultures where people with this kind of need can be accepted and find fulfillment. It would be great if your friend could also realize that the man is still the same person. It's not he who changed, it's your friend's perception of him.
The guy didn't fake loving his sons. So not everything was a lie.
A single sentence of acceptance now might be the key to a whole bunch of good stuff.
But if he's not ready for that, and if he's angry about the abuse that's been heaped upon him and his mom & brother, then hopefully your friend can find a way to step back and get outside the situation.
Because at this point, objectivity is needed. Even words won't have the same meanings inside this family for awhile. Gaining a longer term perspective would help.
If it were me, I'd go away on a trip to get some time to NOT think about it all, then maybe think through the implications of various options for maintaining a relationship with dad.
I don't know about he Parkinsons and other effects (of the disease or the meds). But the guy is what he is and that includes more than just a man who lived a lie for this long.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I don't know anythig really about this stuff but It does sound like they all need to sit down and talk. You know the sons leting the dad know about his cross-dressing and the dad talking about why he does it and what's been going on with his behavoirs.
I may be wrong but thats what I see being needed fairly soon. There may need to be a vaction for some of the people involde to forget about it all and relax. I also think it's kinda cool you came here looking for help with something like this.
posted
My mother-in-law had a stroke a couple of years ago. She recovered from the physical effects pretty well, but ever since the stroke she has completely lost any tact she ever had.
Not to mention developing (or losing the ability to repress) some pretty extreme racist views.
And she swears that her computer started swearing at her when it was turned off. And her computer doesn't have speakers.
I guess what I'm saying is that if I read it in a story, I'd find it believable that a severe neurological trauma (such as a stroke, onset of Parkinson's, etc.) could set off some bizarre behavior. Whether the behavior is caused by the event, or if it just removes a layer of inhibition, I don't know.
Posts: 173 | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:I don't know about the Parkinsons and other effects (of the disease or the meds). But the guy is what he is and that includes more than just a man who lived a lie for this long.
Absolutely. Brain chemistry is a complicated thing, and it sounds like they need some excellent help in understanding some of the changes that have occurred. However, can you imagine how much this husband and wife must have cared for their children in order to spend so much energy and time keeping this a secret?
The family history is still there, the love hasn't been nullified. It's worth pushing harder for answers for oneself, to come to terms with those changes, regardless of how this works out. And I think that means talking to someone trained in these matters. Good luck to your friends.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I wanted to just jump in one more thing - CT can tell me if my information is incorrect. A couple of posts framed the Parkinson's diagnosis as leading to "being crippled in a short time span" and "having a few years left."
I did a check on some sites dealing with Parkinson's and one said that the progression of the condition is usually measured in decades, rather than years.
Depending on a large variety of factors, including response to medication, and other factors that just reveal themselves over time, he could be looking at years of fairly mild expression of the condition (which I think is the most typical).
In most cases, it's not considered "terminal" in the conventional sense. (Even though some well-funded dogooders tried to present it that way for awhile.)
Posts: 4344 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:It would be great if your friend could also realize that the man is still the same person. It's not he who changed, it's your friend's perception of him.
The guy didn't fake loving his sons. So not everything was a lie.
A single sentence of acceptance now might be the key to a whole bunch of good stuff.
Thanks to all for these positive perspectives.
Since I last posted, the dad has become completely unavailable to the sons. He's changed his phone number and moved from Irvine to Oceanside. They don't have an address and worry that with all the troops down there, he'll be in danger.
The only change I've seen in my friend is a change from hurt son, to protective parent to his absent parent. Something has been lost,but hopefully, something has been gained that will allow him to love and feel loved by his dad.
Again, thanks to all who responded.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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