posted
I know that I’m still rather new to hatrack, but I’ve already learned to trust the judgment of the people who post on here. I've been compiling a bunch of poems that I’ve written over the last 9 months or so, and people keep telling me that the poems are really good, I think they stink. I'm posting "Our Future" as a sample poem. Give me your honest and brutal opinion of it. In short, tear it to shreds before I get cocky and try to publish any of my poems. Thanks.
"Our future"
I long for nothing more than you, I wish for no future but our future, With our house in the mountains, Just above our meadow, Where we fish in the head waters, Of our river, the Rio Grande, Our meadow is surrounded by trees, These trees are evergreens, aspens and the like, Our children will play in them, As we sit on the porch watching, Growing ever older, and more ornery, Never leaving our utopia, Until one of us dies, And the kids drag the other away.
Well, there is one of my poems, does any one else on here write, if you do post your poem and see what people think of it.
Edit:I cant spell
[ March 15, 2004, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: J T Stryker ]
Posts: 1094 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
JT, opinions are going to differ. Tastes differ. Your poem happens to remind me of Smoove B from The Onion. However,
quote: In short, tear it to shreds before I get cocky and try to publish any of my poems.
doesn't make sense. Regardless of what feedback you get here, why not try to get it published? As long as you aren't using a vanity press, you have nothing to lose. And maybe some people to prove right, or wrong. Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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Think about it a bit longer. The point of the poem is still a bit confused. It's wordy and kind of watery, without personality.
For instance: "These trees are evergreens, aspens and the like,"
Your "and the like" might work if you established the speaker's personality better. Right now, it's like an "etc." Kind of a cop out.
I don't think you had a really strong idea in your head when you started writing. Keep refining it until it says everything you want it to say.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Mar 2004
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The broken line, "of our river, the Rio Grande" loses the rythym. Consider putting more sentences in there, right now it is just a list of things.
You mention evergreens. Perhaps the image of evergreens can be applied to the entire poem?
"And the Kids drag the other away" is a good line, but somehow it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, especially after using "children" earlier on.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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