posted
So, you find yourself in an arguement. Tempers have flared and strong words exchanged, and you're upset and angry and more than a little frustrated. Are you the type of person who needs to "cool off" before the issue can be resolved. (i.e. one who just has to drop the arguement altogether or you'll just get angrier and more irrational until you - or the situation - cool down)? Or are you the kind of person for whom the situation will just fester or simmer until you reach some sort of closure?
If you're the second type, how do you deal effectively with someone of the first type?
Personally, I'm more the second type. I think I'm a good communicator and can most often see both sides of a situation, and hate to be misunderstood. When I get in an arguement with a "cool down" kind of person I get extremely frustrated. I can leave the situation and let them "cool down", but I just stay angry/hurt/frustrated until I can talk the issue out. Intellectually, I can see how this isn't always a productive approach, but it has been very hard for me to change this. I think it comes from growing up with parents who always fought. Too often I saw them fight, then let things cool off, only to bring old fights up again as ammunition in the next arguement.
So, "just dropping it" always seems like cowardice and asking for trouble later. I feel a need for resolution while the "you said/I said" facts are still fresh. And I can't seem to act happy very successfully when I'm not, so if the other person wants/needs to cool off I just feel bad and mope until we can talk about the issue again and find some resolution.
Can anyone relate to this?
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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quote:If you're the second type, how do you deal effectively with someone of the first type?
My fiance and I are like this. The interesting twist is that we simmer and drop about different issues - usually in an opposite pattern than each other. It's led to some interesting times.
However, it's also made us acutely aware of the other's sensibilities on these topics, and generated an acquired understanding that is superior to what we would have if we were accidently similar on most issues.
As far as how to handle it, the simmerer has to find a way to cope when the discussion ends before resolution. Exercise (a heavy bag is great for this), mindless activity, anything to get the mind calmed down. Similarly, the person who wants to drop it has to be willing to extend the discussion past their normal desired stopping point. The key is for the simmerer to at least feel he's been heard, if not understood.
In all this, trust and the underlying desire to be good to each other are the keys.
My spouse and I were sort of polarized like this. Through the years, it's become less of an issue, either because we both became more middle-ground or just because it comes up much less frequently.
We worked out a strategy that let someone call a time-out if they needed it, but a time to continue the discussion had to be specified.
e.g.,
1. I can't deal with this right now, but let's talk about it after I get home from work, over supper.
2. I have to leave -- this is overwhelming/"too much"/whatever. I'm going to go out for a drive and collect my thoughts, but I'll be back in about two hours. Can we meet here?
etc.
Good luck. Let us know if you find something that works for you.
PS: Oddly, in my first marriage, I played the opposite role than the one I've played in this relationship. Funny, never expected that.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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How do I find closure? Usually, I don't. I just give the appearance of dropping things, and I drop it until I forget the whole thing.
However, when something else happens, I tend to remember past grivances. And I swear I inherit this from my mother. Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
The greatest thing about how I've learned to fight with my husband is that we never have forgotten that we love each other, and we remember that making our partner sad will make us sad, too. I love that. Even when tempers have flown high and emotions run wild, I've always felt safe as houses in his hands.
When I get upset, I explode (usually verbally), but then it's over. And I mean really over, over. I can't hold a grudge or simmer for more than 10 minutes.
So I've vented, I've moved on, my mind is totally cooled down and on other thoughts, and the person I blew up at (possibly family member) is still simmering. So they bring it back up an hour later, and I'm thinking.. "What? You're still on that? That's over."
but for them, it isn't. I have a hard time relating to that.
posted
I think I'm either a simmerer or a sleeping volcano. That is, I seem fine and then for no apparent reason: BOOM
quote:one who just has to drop the arguement altogether or you'll just get angrier and more irrational until you - or the situation - cool down
Does this really happen? Maybe it's because I'm a girl, but if an issue isn't resolved I definitely hang on to it. I have largely gotten over bringing it up. I guess I just feel too personally about this right now to think clearly on it.
I'm more of Karl's type. I think about it until it is over, and when it is over, it is ALL over. It also means that if I've dropped it without resolving it, that's not a good thing. It means I've mostly given up on the chance of it getting resolved.
So, I'm going to take CT's advice and both offer space to think and ask for a definite time to revisit the issue.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Katie, it really worked out well for us. Saying "I can't do this right now, but I will as soon as I'm able" was a way of acknowledging the importance of addressing the concern for the other person, as well asking for some help from your loved one in getting through the immediate time. Saying "I understand this is very hard for you, and so I'm willing to wait until we can work together more productively on the problem" was a way for the other partner to do the same.
I'm a big believing in tackling the problem together, in affirming that we work together as a team to get through this rough patch. We can't always be effective right away, but we can always strive to take care of each other, even when we are mad.
This takes a lot of trust, though, and it takes a lot of practice. We both had to get through our personal defensive times early on, when you're more reacting to things that happened in your past than those that are happening right now (you know what I mean?). Well worth it, though.
posted
That really is a good idea, CT. I have to remember to bring this up BEFORE the next time, though, so he's more receptive to the idea. (But at the rate we've been going, "next" time isn't due for another 6-8 months.
<--Thinks CT is cool
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Ron and I are opposites like that, too. He has to work it out before he can put it aside, and I have to put it aside before I can work it out.
We basically do what CT suggested, except we have kids, so sometimes the strategies are a little different. I'll go take a bath, or Ron will take the kids to the park, etc.
Realizing the difference in your styles of "dealing with stuff" is the biggest step towards making it work.
Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I'm a problem solver/technical person at work, and I tend to want to find problems and then solve them at home as well. I seek an immediate resolution when there is a problem, and I can't understand why my wife just clams up in the middle of the discussion.
Patiently waiting and bringing the discussion up later doesn't work either. If anything, its worse.
I've found that its best to not bring up any topic that has the potential for becoming an argument.
I haven't yet figured out what to do when my wife brings up a volatile topic.
Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I find that I get angry very quickly, straight up to berserker rage faster than people expect. But I think I cool down just as fast.
I suspect that people think I simmer though. Because sometimes when someone makes me reallly mad, afterwards I just stay away from them. It's a defense thing, I think. It's me saying to myself, "Don't be around that person, or they will make you mad again." But I am no longer mad. I just don't want to be mad again.
Does that make sense?
Posts: 5383 | Registered: Dec 1999
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quote: Patiently waiting and bringing the discussion up later doesn't work either. If anything, its worse.
See, this is something that would break a potential relationship for me. I can't deal with not being able to discuss something. Part of this is that I feel like I'm usually open to any reasonable compromise, and I can set some of my own interests aside in the interest of peace and harmony (within reason). So I would really take it personally if someone felt they couldn't discuss things with me or if my attempts to clear the air were always met with hostility.
[Edit to add that this isn't meant to be a judgement on skillery or anything. I realize that people are different and what works for one couple isn't always the best for all. ]
posted
Karl, I agree. I had a roommate last year who responded to conflict by doing exactly what she wanted and being extra nice about surface, surface things until she thought I might be over it.
It was...not productive.
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Slash, that does make sense. You're not mad, but you don't want to be, either. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Greg and I are exactly like this...I'm the simmerer, he's the cooler. If we're fighting, I consider it a *really* bad idea to walk away from the discussion, but he can't really communicate with me very effectively when either of us are in the heat of an argument. And he has no problem with setting the discussion aside til a later time, whereas I will not *set it aside* but rather, as has been described in this thread, dwell on it...usually thinking the worst of whatever has been the topic of disagreement.
See, i need that constant discussion because that's what's going on in my head -- i'm constantly talking about it *with myself*...so I need to be constantly talking about it *with him.* If an issues not resolved, in my mind, then I can't just let it go. I can't just be okay with it up in the air, I need some sort of closure. Which usually means one or the other of us getting our way, or a compromise. And some issues just don't have that kind of closure.
It's very hard for someone like me to acknowledge another's desire for free time from the conversation, because I don't think that way. But I have come to understand Greg's need for that, and try to give it to him when I see a fight isn't getting anywhere.
If an issue's not resolved, though, how do you simmerer's keep from going berserk? There's a topic Greg and I have been back and forth on with no resolve for quite sometime now...how am I to keep my sanity with no closure?
Posts: 3516 | Registered: Sep 2002
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quote:I can't deal with not being able to discuss something.
The real frustration for me comes not when we are trying to work on a problem, but when I am in the process of making a spiritual discovery, and I need someone to help me distill my thoughts. If I'm not careful, she'll back into her shell then as well.
I think I'm too overbearing. I have to ease into the subject and let her discover what I am discovering on her own. Then she'll get excited about it, and we can have a good give-and-take session.
I wouldn't call it a dysfunctional relationship, but I am learning a lot about tact and patience (haven't practiced any of it here at Hatrack though).
Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Volcano here, just like Farmgirl. It takes a lot, but when I do get really, really angry I erupt for about five or ten minutes, and then I'm fine again. I mean, fine as in it's as if nothing has happened.
Posts: 2454 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
I can relate to the Volcano thing, but for me that's a different subject. I can be argumentative, probably to an annoying degree sometimes, especially because I'm both a stickler for choosing words that actually mean what one means to say, and I'll rephrase someone else's arguement back to them to see if I understand them. This can be very frustrating to someone who isn't as careful with language as I think they should be. (I'm working on this, but only to curb the most annoying aspects of it.)
But argumentative isn't necessarily angry or volitile. I can argue calmly (often to the other party's growing frustration), and when/if it gets personal, I'm more likely to get hurt or frustrated than actually angry. But heaven help me if I do get angry. I tend to explode. This happens rarely, but I can be fairly vicious when it does happen. (Verbally vicious. I'm never violent. I tend to shake with adrenaline overload if I'm really angry, but I don't get violent.)
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Not only do I totally agree with CT, I've seen precisely her method recommended in multiple "how to fight fair" books.
The problem that can come up (in my experience) is when the I-can't-cope-with-this-right-now partner also refuses to set a later time to discuss the topic. This tends to make the I'm-not-letting-this-go! partner even less able to temporarily drop the issue.
BUT, if a set time IS set, and consistently stuck with, I think I'm-not-letting-this-go can gradually learn to let things go, for a short while, and maybe even cool off somewhat.
quote:The problem that can come up (in my experience) is when the I-can-cope-with-this-right-now partner also refuses to set a later time to discuss the topic. This tends to make the I'm-not-letting-this-go! partner even less able to temporarily drop the issue.
I had a roommate who did that. Would claim to not have time to discuss anything, and when the time that we agreed upon to discuss it came, she'd dissapear for a day or two. Have to admit, not real impressive. Or helpful.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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