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Warning this is a rant... My friend told me today that her mother doesn't want her hanging around me because I "look scary". I thought this odd, seeing as she is 18 , I always figured parents would stop chosing thier childrens firends for them after around the age of oh I don't know 8. I can understand her thinking i look "sacry". (I have a particially shaved head, wear alot of very dark very extravagent make up, have a few facial piercings, etc..) I asked my friend if it would be okay if I were to sit down and have a conversation with her mother, let her get to know me. I would apparently have to change my intire apperance and wear a wig. This isn't fair, I have never done anything to suggest that i was a bad influence upon her duaghter, in fact I was in the proocess of helping her get more involved int he church. Any suggestions of how I can show her mother that I am not a psychotic freak? Anything short of changing my intire image.
Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2004
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i saved her daughters life from the eternal damnation of hell and fire brimstone devil pitchforks and all that bad stuff Isn't that enough?
Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I don't know if parents ever stop trying to influence who their children are around. That said, I think the best thing you can do is be patient and let your actions speak for themselves. It might take the mother time to get used to you, but when she does she's going to feel like a fool.
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I am of the opinion that all parents (no exceptions whatsoever) need to be hit with a smart stick periodically to keep them humble. That, and every house should have a list of "you may kick your parents in the shin if..." rules posted around the house. Some parents just need to figure out that their children need some sort of independence. Satyagraha
Posts: 359 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Why do you shave your head, wear the makeup, and have the piercings for in the first place, if you are so upset about your unconventional appearance bothering someone?
I used to have the part-shaved head and piercings, too. Later, I added the dark clothes and makeup for a bit. It was all intentional, and admittedly to intimidate others, because despite the wishes of MLK, first impressions are always going to be based on outward appearance.
So, my question is an honest and unaccusing: isn't this just a case of a successful intention to begin with? Sure, you don't want people to judge like that, but isn't all the work you do to appear so unconventional intentional?
Posts: 1170 | Registered: Jan 2003
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One day, my parents sat my brother down and told him he had to stop hanging around with this one friend of his. THe kid had stolen a car, been caught shoplifting, and done several other things. The boy (about 14) had a bad reputation and my brother's was starting to get bad just by association.
A few days later, the boy's mother came over to my parents house to visit my mother. She thanked her that she let my brother hang out with her son. SHe told my mother that my brother was the only influence for good in her son's life and that her son was so much better a person when they were together.
My parents ate their crow with salt, pepper, and a little ketchup and told my brother that they were wrong.
Today, my brother's friend owns a couple of restaurants and some real estate in Hawaii. He has not been in trouble with the law since his teens and is a model citizen. My brother has two master's degrees and is getting ready to start on his doctorate. He also owns his home, a luxury car, and a speedboat.
Your friend's parents are not perfect. They see your outward appearance, make judgements based on their own standards, and judge you. They are trying to protect their daughter, which is their duty and responsibility, without looking past your admittedly rough exterior. Have you ever given them the opportunity to see your insides past the hair and piercings?
Posts: 279 | Registered: May 2004
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The point about a carefully calculated image is true; however how motivated is the friend's mother to look past what you admit is a calculated effort to be...distinctive?
Having been on both sides of the fence, I have enough problems being accepted without dressing the part. However, I will admit it's as much an age thing as anything else.
No good advice, though. If you think her mother is anything close to cool, then try for the chat/social-time with her. Especially if you think you're good with parents/adults. If she ain't cool, then it's probably a lost cause.
Posts: 1892 | Registered: Mar 2002
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By the way, most neo-punks I meet these days are very cool and work very hard to engage themselves with the world and themselves in positive ways. It's a shame some people can't take five seconds to actually check and see if their first impressions are correct.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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On the subject of appearances.... I own a lot of "not-mainstream" clothes. Most of it I only wear at clubs. But the reason I own the clothes is that I enjoy how they look. They're beautiful to me. I have a huge wool cloak with several layers (sorta monk habit cut) which I really love, and wear in the winter. I have a light cloak I wear in the fall and spring. Sure, I get stupid looks and cat-calls. But why in the world should I stop wearing this stuff because of social pressure? The only way I'm going to be accepted in these clothes is by wearing them.
Posts: 1892 | Registered: Mar 2002
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Gwan -- how well do these parents know you? Have they ever really talked to you?
I agree that until they get to know you as a person, they won't get past whatever image your outward appearance gives them.
I hope I won't do this to my kids. I have known some very bright, good, but very non-conforming kids in my time. It should be that the actions speak louder than the appearance. Have they seen you in action?
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Heh, dude, I'm sympathetic -- I live in LA, and most my friends have some sort of crazy thing going on with their fashion sense -- but which feelings exactly did you intend your pseudo-goth look to inspire? If you partially shave your head, wear heavy makeup, pierce your face, of course you're going to intimidate to some degree whitewashed people from the suburbs. Especially if you, I'm guessing, live in an intensely burbz area/state/national region, where you're a rebel if you don't go to church every Sunday.
You're wearing the crap for a reason. Don't get indignant when it causes the same general panic in the naive and the easily frightenable that you intended.
If it's any comfort, I've had the same thing. I shaved my head throughout high school so I wouldn't need to deal with hair, but when I went for late-night runs, I understood when white women got panicky and crossed the street. When men tensed up when they heard me huffing my way along at them. A giant gringo playing gangbanger is going to cause some degree of panic on late nights, and it's an understandable result of the stigma carried by shaved heads. Your style is explicitly designed to carry some degree of nearly flamboyant intimidation -- don't be surprised or upset when it succeeds on those of weaker stomachs.
Posts: 3293 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Ain't it funny? I got that kind of reaction when I shaved my head too. It was just because I was washing dishes in a hot kitchen all day--all the guys had done it--but the next thing I know I'm walking down the street and I hear guys yelling, "White power! White power!" Like I'm some kind of skinhead just because I'm from Benton...um....well...they didn't know where I was from, so let's drop the subject, okay?
Posts: 1114 | Registered: Mar 2004
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One of the nicest guys I know (and most genuinely Christian) has been dumped on by so many parents it isn't funny. Why? Because he has spiky hair, and ONCE he wore a shirt with Pennywise on it. Not even piercing or tattoos.
What gets me angry is there seems to be pressure for kids to hang out with the "mainstream" crowd because they seem less dangerous or something. But whenever I hear people saying stupid things, they always come from that crowd. Whenever you see a person who won't stick up for their beliefs and goes with the group no matter what they're doing, it's people in the "generic" crowd. I hope my kids are on the fringes, I really do.
Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
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Considering the stereotyping that goes on about "whitewashed people from the suburbs," I'd say the problem is more general.
I used to hang out with a weird mix of people. Half my friends were Goths, Punks, and other generally non-conformist types, and half were people I met on the conservative and Christian magazines I edited. Both had lots of unwarranted assumptions about the other.
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I figure that's probably the case for a lot of people on this board. Both groups have so much to offer, and not necessarily what each group thinks is its best quality.
It's just that both groups (really, some members of each group) felt superior in some way to the other group, and it always drove me nuts. They were hating people they didn't even know, and overgeneralizing based on the people they did know. I new amazing people from each group. The best were those who just concentrated on being who they wanted to be, not on who they didn't want to be.
Dagonee P.S., Anyone else feel like a rousing game of Chez Goth?
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Oh, my best friend's parents in high school didn't like her hanging out with me either. They considered me to be a bad influence.
I ignored it at the time, although it did affect our friendship because...well, I was an easy person to blame if she did anything. So she would complain about her parents to me and blame things on me to her parents. This didn't go over well.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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People make incorrect assumptions about me all the time and it does bother me to some extent.
When people from outside of the South hear my accent, many of them assume that I'm an uneducated, racist hillbilly. That one really upsets me.
When people find out that I majored in religion with a concentration on American Christianity and Philosophy of Religion, they assume that I'm Christian and was planning on becoming a minister. That one amuses and exasperates me in turn.
When I went to services for the first time in college and people saw me and heard my maiden name (Gardner), they assumed I was lost. That's always been a sore spot with me, so it really bothered me.
I guess my point is that everyone makes incorrect assumptions about people, no matter what they look or sound like. The best thing we can do is to politely correct them and do our best to change their minds.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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Kat, that sucks. No two ways about it. I was always the friend everyone's parents liked. Not sure why.
Mrs.M, I hate snap judgments like that, two. As long as people are willing to listen to the correction, they're usually annoying but fairly harmless. When people refuse to adjust their misperceptions, a lot of cruelty can occur.
One of the co-founders of our Christian magazine was named Rosenberger. He put his name up on the "looking for a roommate" board for his second year. The person he ended up rooming with picked him because he thought he was Jewish (based on the last name). My friend had no idea that was the reason until after they had moved in. It worked out well enough, but it was a little amusing at the time.
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, I always figured parents would stop chosing thier childrens firends for them after around the age of oh I don't know 8.![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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Isn't that enough?
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