posted
Well, I guess first off I should say that I'm not really new here. I used to be "Julian Delphiki". Alot has happened since March, things that have changed me entirely, so I thought it was time to change the username too. I tried to get Steve or Stephen, but they were already taken, so I'm using my Counter-Strike tag.
Anyways, this isn't a landmark or anything, just sort of an update.
-My parents divorced about eight or nine years ago. -My brother Dan, who is three years younger than I am, took it much harder than I did. -I left IL for FL to escape that (via college at the University of Central Florida). My brother was stuck at home.
Ok, so the past couple years has been rough for my brother and mom. My mom and dad were constantly in court battling over child support issues. My dad is a crazy jerk who thinks he is always right and never sees any other side to a story. My mom is a single mother who tried very hard to keep things together. I posted about my brother a while back who was going through a tough time and wanted to go homeless just to leave. It was this whole ordeal thats way too long to go into now. Well he finally decided to go to college. He went to the University of Illinois at Chicago and was doing well for a while but eventually failed out. He then went to a community college in the area, but failed there too. From what little he told me, I pieced together the fact that he was depressed. I still don't know about what though. He was always cooped up in his room playing COunter-Strike and was always in a bad mood. My mom finally told him he didn't have to go to school and encouraged him to get a job so he would get out and do something.
I got a call from him on March 26th. He said he was wandering around down town. My mom had told him to go to the library or something and he took that as "getting kicked out". He got kicked out a couple times right after fights between him and my mom, but he was always back after a couple hours. Or sometimes my mom would tell him to go out or if he was out and accidentally got locked out he would say he got kicked out, so I didn't take this too seriously. Anyways, our conversation consisted of just normal random things that we always talked about. He seemed kind of down so I thought he might've had another fight with my mom or something. I offered to buy him a plane ticket to come down to FL to stay with me for a while, but he didn't want to. He said told me he had to go, because his phone was about to die. I made him promise to give me a call when he got home and told him to take care.
Well I got a call later that night, and it was my mom. She told me that Dan was taken to the hospital because he was hit by a train. This was followed by a call at 2am to tell me that he died. I was in total shock and had no idea what to do. I cried until the sun came up. I was almost finished with school and was just finishing up my senior project, so even though it was saturday, I had to go in to open up the lab for people to work. I went in really early thinking that it would help to get my mind off of what happened. Obviously it didn't and I broke down again. I called up one of Dan's and my best friends and told him, cried some more and then called another member of my project team and asked him to come down to pick up the lab keys. I was so fortunate to have such a close knit team. When I got home, everyone was calling to see how I was and they even contacted another friend of mine who came over to try and comfort me. Several of my professors even called to offer to buy plane tickets for me to go home.
Another long story short, I ended up flying home the next day for the service and funeral on tuesday. Because of the divorce, much of the extended family looked down on us and some were downright cruel to my mom. Needless to say, when some of the extended family came and were all up in my face, it took all my strength to hold my tongue and not curse them out. My dad tried to be all close to me at the funeral and his second wife tried to hug me, which disgusted me. Most of the problems that Dan and I dealt with throughout our childhood were his fault. I had nothing against his wife, but I was just sick of all the phoniness. On top of it all, before the service was about to begin, my dad gets up in front of the church and tells everyone to pray real hard and that he is going to resurrect my brother right there. I was so pissed, I went up to him grabbed the mic away and told him to sit the hell down. He just kept talking over me. I was raging pissed now and stormed out to prevent myself from doing something stupid like punching him or something. Luckily a friend of mine ran after me otherwise I wouldn't have come back. There were many conversations later consisting of, "Woah dude, your dad is insane!" "I know, I told you so." Anyways, I had chosen the burial spot the previous day, which was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The funeral was straight out of a movie. It was cold and windy with an overcast sky and slight drizzle. After the funeral we went back to the church for a reception where I was able to meet some of Dan's friends. I still talk to a few of them which is nice.
I went back to school at the end of the week and tried to resume the normal routine. A good day that first week back was one where I got out of bed. I progressed and started going back to school, but could barely concentrate on anything productive. I somehow managed to pass everything and graduated at the end of april.
Throughout all this, there were detectives who were investigating his death. They really didn't make anything easier. And when the case went to trial, they concluded that it was a suicide without any concrete proof, so there was no insurance money for the funeral. My dad also refused to pay for any of the funeral, so basically my mom and I are in debt up to our eyeballs.
A lot of other crap happened between then and now, but its not relevent. Well a month ago I moved back to Illinois, which I guess was good timing on account of the current weather in Florida. I've just been job hunting and dealing with everything. Most days I feel like just being in my room and I think I've become more introverted in general. I really only talk to people online nowadays. Most of my friends have gone back off to school so I guess that kind of fuels the reclusion a little. Ever since march, I've felt like a huge part of my heart just died with him. My dad wants to build a new relationship now, and frankly I have no interest to. I don't want to feel like I'm someone else's second chance because they screwed up with my brother. I guess I also feel guilty to some degree that maybe there was something else I could have done to help or that there was something I did to cause this all. I don't know anything anymore.
I left out a lot of details just to make this short enough to read (and write). I apologize if some of this seems fragmented, but this is how it came out of my head. Anyhow, questions are welcome, and if you actually read it all, thank you.
Btw, I decided to start hatracking again, because although Dan wasn't a hatracker, he was the one that first introduced me to Ender's Game. That and Hatrack has always been like an internet haven to me, so thank you.
Posts: 298 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I am so, so sorry. That is a lot to go through at any time, and dealing with it at what is normally a stressful time of life anyway just compounds it. And now you've moved away from all your support system, and are trying to find a job... it's no wonder you're feeling cast adrift.
I probably joined Hatrack about the time you stopped posting under your other handle, but please let me say welcome back. I love this place, and I know there are a lot of good people here. I hope it continues to be a haven for you.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better, and there really isn't anything but I'm glad you're here.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Signal, I'm really sorry that you're having to experience this. I know that there's nothing I can really do to take any of the pain of all of this away, but for what it's worth you're in my thoughts.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
*hugs signal* Oh goodness. I'm sorry for everything.
I read something the other day that I just loved. It said that grief is like a boulder that slowly gets chipped away until it's the size of a rock that you carry in your pocket. That matches my experiences, too.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
(((((((((((((signal)))))))))))))) If you ever need to talk or anything, e-mail and IM are both in profile... ok? Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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signal, I am deeply sorry for your loss. If there is every anything that I can do to give you any measure of comfort, please let me know. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Take care of yourself and your family, and come here whenever you need support.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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I'm sorry that you're in such a difficult position in your life right now, but if there's anything I can do to help or you just need someone to vent at or to listen to you, let me know.
Oh, and welcome back to Hatrack.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Welcome back, although I wish it wasn't for such a sad update.
I am sorry for your loss, and for the conditions of the service. You did the right thing by walking away from your dad and not causing more of a scene.
posted
I recently lost someone dear to me, too. I'm so sorry that your dad was such an ass.
Many of my friends have told me recently that it's okay not to feel 'normal' and that I probably won't really be under complete control for some time. Remember that you are not responsible for anyone else's behavior, and that you do have friends to help you through this crap. My hatrack buddies have been there for me, and we're here for you, too. *hug*
Posts: 1664 | Registered: Apr 2004
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I wondered where you had disappeared to. I'm glad you're back, although I wish it were for happier reasons. *hug*
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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