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You spy another cannoli, just sitting there on the plate of that burly guy sitting at the table next to yours. Your lust for one more cannoli overwhelming your good sense, you wait until he glances in the other direction and then grab his. You must have had more to drink than you'd thought though (which would explain this whole cannoli stealing tear you've suddenly gone on), because you overbalance and fall into the guy's table. The table is upset, and you and it go crashing to the floor amidst a shower of cutlery, wineglasses, plates, and all manner of food (the waiter hadn't yet cleared the table from the guy's meal, I'm afraid). Through all of this, all you can focus on is the cannoli. You discover that you crushed it underneath yourself as you fell, but in your frenzied state you aren't about to let that stop you. You grab at the mashed bit of dessert, rubbing some of it into your shirt more deeply, but succeeding in getting a handful of the heavenly stuff, which you proceed to cram into your mouth. Whipped into an an almost feverish lust by the taste of the delicious cannoli (its taste only partly spoiled by the carpet fuzz that you crammed into your mouth along with it) you tear your shirt off and begin sucking on it with abandon, trying to get every last bit of that cannoli.
Dana, still sitting at your table, doesn't seem particularly impressed. Neither does the man who had ordered the cannoli, I'm afraid, but at least he's too stunned by your display to do anything rash.
I wish I hadn't stayed up this late--I need to get more sleep than I have been this week.
posted
Noemon sleeps the sleep of the dead. R.I.P. van Winkle has nothing on him, let me tell you. In fact, he sleeps so long he wakes up decomposed and wearing fashions that are horribly out of date. People are repelled and repulsed. But he sure is rested.
I wish I had a flight to MSP tonight.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Granted. Here you are, COFFEE!!! yay. unfortunately, you drinking this coffee mean you're ignoring your doctors warning that too much caffeine will.. not can.. WILL kill you. You're caffeine level is so high that this will be the last coffee you ever have. Enjoy the after life.
I wish to never go to hell.
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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granted. but the next poster is me and I already have hell. so, hell goes to YOUR LOVED ONES!.. and.. YOU FORGET HOW TO BREATHE!!! MUAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!
I wish hell would go to uhm... him. *points*
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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granted, I can no longer grant my own wishes, however you failed to twist my wish to grant my own wishes, so I can now grant my own wishes again.
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Someone grants you wish and with it, every wish of every person who has ever wished. Sadly, this just levels the playing field again and you feel oddly "normal" and just like everyone else.
I wish my entire house was lit by lavalamps.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Granted, you get it over, but that just puts off the wedding yet another day, and sadly, you're in the universe created by 2004 -1 days and I'm stuck in this other universe that's just plain old 2004.
Drat!
I wish I could be with Dana in 2004 -1.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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You were with Dana for all of 2003, and it was a great year. Unfortunately, you've had to spend most of 2004 apart, and 2005 doesn't look much more promising.
I wish that Chocovic chocolate was made from free trade cocoa beans.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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They are, but the price increase for raw materials was so drastic that they had to cut back on the processing -- now instead of mechanical rollers to mash the beans, they hire old toothless women to chew them.
Yum-----meeeeee!!!
I wish I knew what those chocolates were that he was talking about.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Wish Granted. Now you are able to personally taste what this chocolate is like. Just as you swallow, you remember that the mechanical processors are still too expensive to run.
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Granted, they are no longer people. They look like people, but, well, they're just sort of faking it. They are something else and while it creeps you out slightly, you have noticed that they don't mind doing the odd bit of cleaning or dish washing just to fit in.
I wish I knew what my dog is thinking.
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And you thought the stunted animals were angry. Someday, when you least expect it, the "Mr. nice dog" routine is going to be dropped, and boy will you be sorry.
I wish that it were 12:04 pm Eastern time, on October 24th 2004.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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You jump 3 minutes into the future. There's no one there. Nothing. A void to be avoided is what it says on the travel brochure. Sadly, you have no obvious way back to the real place and time from whence you came.
I wish to send Noemon a corned beef sandwich on rye, 3 minutes into the future.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Well I'll be hornswoggled! I never did see that earlier thread. Evil genii, you say? How odd that you would retroactively steal the idea for the monkey's paw thread. How very odd indeed.
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You send Noemon said sandwich, but due to the vagaries of time travel, it stays continually uptime by three minutes, meaning that Noemon never actually receives the sandwich. Kind of a weird reverse Langoliers thingy.
I wish I had enough money to cover my bills and the holidays this year without jeopardizing anything else.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Granted, you've got the money you need to cover the bills and the holidays without jeopardizing anything else. And then you go on a three week bender in Las Vegas and lose it all and you end up doing unspeakable things just to earn bus fare home. You arrive on January 2nd and your kids tell you "it was the best holidays EVER!"
whoa! Beware the monkey's paw. That was harsh!
I wish our government would stop calling for "war on <insert whatever social problem you like here>"
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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The government decides to stop calling for a war on this or that social problem, and instead begins prosecuting wars on those problems. It decides to start with Poverty. Unfortunately, it sees "the poor" as enemy combatants in the War on Poverty, and so calls out the troops to begin leveling the homes of those suspected of being poor. Given that the majority of enlisted personnel in the US military aren't of the highest socio-economic status, they rightly see this as a war on their friends and family, and so great numbers revolt. The result is a chaotic civil war that sees the use of atomic weapons used by Americans on Americans. The rest of the world takes sides with one faction or another, and is drawn into the conflict. Soon Earth is little more than a dimly glowing ember circling the sun. The few astronauts who happened to be in space when everything went to hell eventually asphyxiate, and with them the last vertibrate creatures perish. Intelligent life does evolve again, many billions of years in the future, but it does so just in time to be fully aware of the horror of being snuffed out by the sun's violent death throws.
Good lord, the Monkey's Paw is getting pretty rough, isn't it?
I wish that the next five Monkey's Paw responses be side splittingly funny.
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You do, and orphan girls flock to the building from across the country. It's too bad you didn't hire more experienced help to aid you in building the place, though. In the middle of the day the buiding collapses, killing many of the orphan girls and maiming the rest.
I wish that my natural inclination was to use my time more efficiently.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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You do! And he's definitely sweet. Sickeningly, revoltingly sweet. He attaches himself to you almost like a human lampry, and refuses to let go no matter what you do. You grow increasingly annoyed by his co-dependent clinginess, and find yourself intentionally doing things to try to anger him, to provoke a reaction, to get him to stop smothering you. No matter what you do though, he just hangs on tighter, refusing ever to respond to your lateness, your intentional bitchiness, your flagarantly displayed affairs. You find yourself hating the shrew you have become. You are completely miserable. No one can understand why you're so unhappy, though, when you have such a sweet loving guy by your side.
I wish that I had finished my modifications to the rough draft of the powerpoint presentation I put together for tomorrow's meeting.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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*granted* You finished the presentation, and you did such a good job that your presentation is a roaring hit for all that attend. This begins your rise to success. Over the years, you start your own company and end up as the CEO of a billion-dollar company. You enter politics, and get elected as president of the United States. Your are the most beloved president in known memory, and your approval ratings never fall below 80%.
Unforunately, none of this helps fill that ugly void in your heart. You're miserable, and those that really know you are repulsed by you.
History remembers you as a great man, but you die miserable and lonely.
I wish that I could see things are they really are, and cause others to do the same.
posted
Granted, everyone can see everything as it truly is. Unfortunately, everyone can see YOU for what YOU truly are. They shun you, and you are left with the humiliation of having your true self exposed.
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