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Granted! You could play guitar. You were a virtuoso. You also owed money to the wrong people, and to teach you a lesson they broke every bone in your hands. So, no more guitar. Because I'm a benevolent genie, though, I'll give you a freebie--now that you don't have to spend so much time practicing your guitar, you've had time to get really good at the kazoo.
My wish from above still stands.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Granted; you're now allowed to telecommute. Unfortunately, under the new arrangement, you must be visible on webcam at least 6 hours out of the day. Should you fail to do this, you will be asked to wear a dress and a wig while at work and visible on the webcam. Should you fail to do this, you'll be fired.
I wish I had already written my dissertation.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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Oh, but you DID write your dissertation. You were about to print out the whole thing when your hard drive went kerflooie, and you lost all your precious work. Back up copies? Oops!
I wish my fingernails were prettier.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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They're so pretty, an art-afficionado gang rips them off and rushes them away to their private museum. And each time they regrow, they do the same.
I wish I had a nice, cool glass of iced tea.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Granted! This ends your relationship with your auto mechanic, who was slated by Fate to be your True Love. You were to have fallen into the most inspiring example of love for your generation, spawning songs and movies that, by its sparkling purity, brought fighting couples to reconciliation, new lovers to deeper commitment, and joy to many, many children. The love between you and your mechanic was to be the first link in a long chain that would have resulted in World Peace. Instead, by your perfect cars, your auto mechanic died of a broken heart and a violent, loveless world went on for another generation of hopelessness.
I wish for Peace on Earth, Good Will toward Men.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Granted! Unfortunately, for this to happen, Megan must get together with her mechanic. Therefore, your granting of her wish is reversed and you must commit seppuku to retain your honor.
I wish I had prettier Sharpies.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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You have the prettiest Shar Peis around -- they've been totally facelifted and botoxed and their wrinkles are unwrinkled. Unfortunately, the Society for the Protection of Shar Peis brings you up on charges of defacing the face of the Shar Pei.
I wish I had a nice bowl of warm tapioca pudding.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Poof! You do. Of course, it's milchig (dairy), and you just had fleishig (meat). You wait six hours, right? It won't be all that warm then. And it will have a skin too.
Enjoy!
I wish it would stop raining now, and not start again for a week.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Okay! Worldwide, the rain stops for the entire week. Clouds waddle around the skies getting fuller and heavier, darker and ponderous. They slowly congregate over the area of Southern California and hang for days. Then... KABLAM!!! A week's worth of rain for the whole world comes down on LA and Orange County in one day.
I wish I had a '58 Thunderbird.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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Poof, you have 1958 Thunderbird. Like the oenophile you are, you screw off the cap and take a hearty wiff. The wine has turned on you in a way only cheap rotgut can. Your liver revolts and takes up residence in a nearby rock star for safe keeping.
I wish had a nice curvy road and another hour's daylight to go riding.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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A 58 foot bird arrives in your garden and farts repeatedly and loudly, sounding errily like thunder. This petrifies your childen, cats and dogs and leads to mayhem in the house for an entire 24 hours.
I wish for a kinder tougue, a softer hear, a prettier soul and a bag of nachos.
Posts: 571 | Registered: May 2001
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Granted, unfortunately, the genie is confused utterly by your spelling and you get a kindly tug, you go partially deaf, a nice set of leather soles on your favorite loafers, and a big gloppy mess of tortillas, beans, melted cheese, sour cream and guacamole. In a bag.
I still want a nice curvy road and another hour's daylight in which to go for a ride.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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quote:Poof, you have 1958 Thunderbird. Like the oenophile you are, you screw off the cap and take a hearty wiff. The wine has turned on you in a way only cheap rotgut can. Your liver revolts and takes up residence in a nearby rock star for safe keeping.
Bob, this is the funniest response I've read on this thread since it was revived. Hands down.
posted
Granted. You can now eat sugar without having to pee six times a night. It is the six episodes of explosive diarrhea in the night that is now disturbing your rest.
Bob, do you have diabetes? If you haven't already been, I wish you'd get tested.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Bob gets tested for diabetes. Turns out he doesn't have it, but they also run a few other little tests and--guess what?--you've got syphilis, the plague, and an embarassing rash.
I wish my iPod had unlimited battery life.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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You filled with the irrational urge to poke all dogs that you see ... including the rather fearsom dobberman under my desk that promptly savages you.
I wish I wasn't so easily distracted from my work.
Posts: 571 | Registered: May 2001
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Granted. You're now utterly focused on your work. So focused, in fact, that you forget everything else in your life. I hope you really, really love your job.
I wish I had a cup of nice, hot, Starbucks coffee right now.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Poof! You do. But everyone who has ever loaned you money happens by at just that moment and they realize that if you've got the bucks for Starbucks, then you have the bucks to pay them back. Too bad about your knee caps.
I wish that artificial sweeteners didn't taste so artificial.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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OK! They taste delicious and natural. So wonderful, in fact, that you consume far too much of them, realizing only years later that over consumption of artificial sweeteners has the unfortunate effect of causing something serious. And you spend the rest of your days hideously compromised by your serious condition.
I wish there were a sure-fire cure for Bob's serious condition.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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GRANTED! Along with your wish, this Genie takes the liberty of curing everything from tennis elbow to AIDS as well. She also takes care of the pesky problem of pain and suffering and evil. In djinn-generated peace, a utopia the sort of which only dreamy eyed authors could conceive is established. That is until God notices and in a fit of pique wipes out the universe.
I wish I had enough will power to work out regularly.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Granted, but now your boss and coworkers are wondering why you keep having your desk moved outside everyday... especially with all these pesky hurricanes. The boss decides not to fire you, but to have you committed to the psych ward as it is more humane than allowing you to continue working in such weather.
I wish I were a member of the Voices of Liberty at EPCOT (at Disney World).
Posts: 325 | Registered: Aug 2002
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Poof! hundreds of little girls in brown uniforms suddenly appear in the space you so recently occupied. They spend your remaining days learning kitschy songs and hoping to grow up so they can sell cookies to strangers.
I wish it had stayed above 55 degrees while we rode home on the motorcycle today. <brrrr>
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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It, your bike, does indeed stay above 55° North the entire way home. In order to accomplish this feat, the North American tectonic plate is forced to crack into many pieces, with the chunk on which your path and your home reside moving violently northward. It finally settles down at 66°33' North, which is well above 55°. Still pretty chilly, though. Or it will be once the lava flows that were unleashed when the plate broke up cool down.
I wish that an affordable over the counter drug without side effects existed that could cancel the effects of caffeine in one's system.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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You know exactly what to wish for! You wish for it, and your wish is so perfect, and so perfectly worded, that no one on Hatrack can come up with a way to twist it. As a result, you kill this thread.
I wish I had 20/20 vision.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Granted! You now have 20/20 vision. Unfortunately, you've gone insane and all you can see are the spiders crawling all over your body. You constantly try to scratch them off and are left with bloody stumps for fingers. Have fun with that!
I wish I was a little bit taller...
Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Granted! Here is your Firefly. Unfortunately for you, it has been set so that you may only call and receive calls from 5 people. And you had been avoiding them all . . .
I wish I was done assembling furniture. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Rivka: Granted. You've just finished assembling your last piece of furniture, your coffin. Time to get in!
Tante: Granted. All of the horrible wish fulfillments from this entire thread come true, ruining the lives of every hatracker who posted here. And it's all your fault.
I wish that Jack Thompson would just shut up already.
Posts: 2715 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Granted, they kicked you out of school and now you never have to do homework again! Oh and don't worry about trying to make it to the bank on time to cash a paycheck 'cause oddly enough that's been taken care of too!
I wish I had a really cool title.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2005
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