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Nighthawk's battery isn't dead, it's missing. Dr. Frankenstein borrowed it to power his experiment, wherein he reattaches Bob's head. But things go horribly awry when Igor sets things up with the body of an exhumed Miss America runnerup. Bob awakes and asks for his sequined gown.
I wish tomorrow is a better day.
Posts: 431 | Registered: Oct 2003
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I wish tomorrow is a better day. Granted: Tomorrow is a better day. For everyone but you.
(skipped a few posts back) I wish I kept tissues in my office. Granted: Now you office is made of tissues. And it starting to rain.
I wish my boss would get rid of the two people who are too incompetent and lazy to do their jobs (this does not include me).
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Granted! You are amazingly proficient at sight-reading music. Unfortunately the entire music world switches over to jazz and you can't hear the changes.
I wish the IT people didn't take my rejections of their editing suggestions as personal slights on their judgment, although they occasionally are.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Nighthawk: Granted! Thanks to a sudden surge of water retention and inflammation of your left leg, you weigh exactly 190lbs at 4:00pm Utah time. And you'll continue to do so, since you are now physically incapable of moving off the scale.
I wish I had the money to go buy some video games.
Crap one small typo changed everything! I meant to to say my actual weight is (209 lbs) not (109 lbs). Man that would be unhealthy!
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Granted! But now the IT people are so in love with your tough love editing suggestions that they purposefully incorporate issues in to their writing just so they will have the pleasure of being on the receiving end of your judgement.
I wish that I could teleport.
Posts: 3423 | Registered: Aug 2001
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You can. Embarrassingly, though, only YOU are granted that special talent. Not your clothes. So you show up bare nekkid. And you left your teleporting doohickey in your pocket.
I wish that the folks that I supervise would shape up so that there would be no need for me to get all discipline-y on them.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Granted! You find a pair of everlasting stockings. Unfortunately the everlastingness has something in it you are allergic to and you break out in hives. Too bad.
I wish Twizzlers were healthy.
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Granted. Twizzlers now contain twelve vitamins and minerals, eight grams of dietary fiber, and may reduce your risk of cancer and heart disease. They also now taste like roofing tar.
I wish someone would come up with a foolproof way to predict and prevent strokes.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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She does. However, your hearing becomes exponentially more acute. Even the dog's breathing is now unbearably loud. And don't get me started on Dana's snoring!
I wish that I'd gone to bed and fallen asleep four hours ago.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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You did, and now, like me, you have had just enough sleep that, having woken up, you will not possibly get back to sleep this night. Too bad you live so far away. We could go hang gliding or something.
I wish I knew how to adjust my clock to have it keep proper time.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Granted! You discover the user's manual thatwent with your clock and now have to ability to adjust its settings. However, you're now so obsessed with the accuracy of the device that you have to keep checking with outside sources to see whether your clock is still on the mark. You'll be busy re-adjusting for most of the day.
I wish I'll be able to get all of my work done today.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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Granted. You're able to get all your work done. Tomorrow you'll discover the glaring mistakes you made that mean you have to get it all done again.
I wish my nose would stop running.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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Granted. Your nose stops running, and you'll begin to wonder, in time, why it never seems to get stuffy or, for that matter, move air any more. You'll go to the doctor and discover, to your chagrin, that there is a tumor in your frontal cortex the size of a peach pit, and it may be innoperable.
I wish I could get a date for this weekend.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Granted! This weekend it will be the 9th and 10th day of the 9th month of the year 2006. You could get lots of other dates, but they wouldn't be correct.
I wish I didn't love wordgames so much.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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Granted! Your car now gets in excess of 200 MPG. But in order to accomodate for the additional hardware to accomplish that feat, the gas tank had to be reduced to half a pint, which means you can't even reach the nearest gas station without running empty.
I wish my boss wouldn't play such crappy music so loud.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
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Fine, no more loud rotten music. Your boss (like mine, by the way) now listens to 24-hour All News All The Time, with Traffic and Transit on the Ones, Weather Updates on the Fives, Sports Scores on the Nines, And All the News You Need to Hear with 'Round-the-Clock Updates. Loud.
I wish books weren't so expensive.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Granted! A new maximum book price has been installed, you'll never pay more than $1 for a new book. However, this leads to the starvation of hungry writers and thus a continuing decline in the number of newly published books. In the end, you won't be able to find any new books, and will have to buy second-hand books, prices of which have gone through the roof since books have become quite scarce.
I wish to do well on my first day at my new job.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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Granted! Unfortunately for you, people who dislike the sense of entitlement that people with space ponies have gets to pick the place. At least you won't have to worry about the sun shining on your space pony.
(Great response to Bob, by the way; I laughed aloud at it)
I wish that I had gotten to the farmer's market in time to buy apples on Saturday.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Granted! You discover a miracle cure which rids your loved ones of the common cold. Unfortunately this cure is later found to be carcenogenic, so while you're no longer sneezing and suffering from runny noses, you are now all hacking up blood (amongst other things).
I wish I weren't so tired.
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Granted! You have been expelled from school and fired from your job. Now you have all the vacation you want! Enjoy!
I wish people would either help me plan the event I am in charge of or stop complaining about the way I am doing it.
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Granted! You explode and die in flames and they change the event into a celebration of the life you led. Nobody dares criticize you at the event, and as far as they are concerned your funeral is the perfect event for helping them feel mighty cheerful!
I wish I knew what to eat for lunch RIGHT NOW!
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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You now have a dozen different people "helping you" with planning the event. Each of them has a different idea of how they want the event to go, and is actively taking steps to make their vision a reality. You're now spending all of your time attmepting to reconcile their various plans, cancelling unnecessarily hired caterers, and generally keeping them from each other's throats.
I wish that the stockroom here at work would get a shipment of ballpoint pens that actually work well.
[Edit--in response to BlackBlade, granted! You now know exactly what you want to eat--mud, and lots of it. Unable to resist the craving, you hurry to the lawn in front of your workplace and begin helplessly gorging yourself on delicious, mineral rich mud. Your boss comes upon you sitting in the grass, cramming handfuls of mud into your mouth, and decides that maybe Johnson would be the better choice for that promotion after all.]
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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quote:I wish that the stockroom here at work would get a shipment of ballpoint pens that actually work well.
Oh, they work well, all right. So well that they put the rest of the workers in the office to shame. Once the boss notices who is doing the actual work around the office, you and the rest of your co-workers will be out on your ears.
I wish I could get to meet more 'rackers, and have a swell day hanging out with them.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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You do! It's a great time. Everyone acts like your new best friend. They all rush back to Hatrack to post about how they never knew Lisa would be so much fun in person.
I wish I had another iPod.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Granted! you have a new iPod, but unfortunately its memory banks are completely filled with the most annoying songs known to mankind and the entire thing is encrypted with an unbreakable password. You will be spending your time listening to such lovely tunes as "Achy Breacky Heart" and "Macarena", as well as the collected works of Cher, Debby Reynolds and the Kelly Family. Enjoy!
I wish I had a bath.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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You take a bath. And here you thought these natives were savages. Sure, the water's getting a tad warm, and local customs aside you'd prefer your bathwater without carrots and beets. And people in weird outfits keep interrupting constantly to check on you. And that cake of soap is really salty...
I wish that one election worker wasn't so unintentionally rude.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Granted! Now all election workers are intentionally rude. It is a prerequisite for the job. There are even training classes on how to be rude to voters and they are getting pretty creative. They laugh openly at your hanging chads and scoff at your voting choices. They make you go to the end of the line for having your shoelace untied and then snicker at your attire as you walk away. They pretend they don't speak English and when you show them your voter registration card, they tell you it has been denied and proceed to cut it up.
I wish these poster projects were already graded.
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
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And you do! The Ted Kaczynski postage stamps you ordered are cooler than you had ever imagined. But several weeks go by and you start to receive notices of late payment, service cancellations and collection warnings, leaving you to wonder if anybody's even opening your mail.
I wish my laptop wasn't so heavy.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
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PA-ZING! Your nice cup of coffee sits in front of you, amazingly charming and warm. It shows genuine interest and concern for you-- so much so that you cannot drink it. And then you discover that only bad coffee is left in the world, because your one cup of nice coffee sucked up all good-coffeeish-things on the planet.
I wish for real ultimate power.
[ September 13, 2006, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Your genii finds this amazing device at Radio Shack. It plugs into a regular AC socket but will deliver power to any device known to man...as long as you buy the correct adaptor. It's the ultimate in power, dude!
I wish my cup of coffee had less personality and more taste.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Your coffee becomes more staid; even dull. With this change, though, it has developed better taste. As a result, it no longer wishes to be associated with you.
I wish that I had a month of vacation time accrued at work.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Your boss comes in and congratulates you-- you are the recipient of the company's 'Vacation Time Lottery.' You have been given a month of vacation time. He also tells you that you're getting a promotion to writing and managing proposals; so you'll never actually be able to use that vacation time...
I wish that strawberries grew all year round.
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Granted! Strawberries now grow year-round. Unfortunately, being an incredibly invasive, plant they manage in just a few years to crowd out almost all other plantlife on the planet causing widespread famine, all while you sit and munch happily on your cursed strawberries. Eventually they link the change to you and you are beaten to a bloody pulp and then roasted to feed the starving masses.
I wish I had a part-time job with the same salary of my current position.
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Granted! Now the part-time job you have pays well but as a scientific specimen, you will soon run out of body parts you don't need and you will not be physically able to enjoy your money.
I wish I had gotten more sleep last night.
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Due to an adjustment that had be done to the Navy's atomic clock, you actually slept 0.0047 seconds more than you usually do. Doesn't that feel better?
I wish my server had a bigger hard drive.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
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You find yourself working for the U.S. Military as a contractor. When presented with the job, you learn that you now have to upgrade a database currently housed on a mainframe that uses and obscure system architecture. The system was originally developed in the 70's, in secret, for use against the soviets. All of the original technical documentation was destroyed to preserve secrecy.
Through several decades of use, more and more sensitive data was transfered to the sytem and it has become slow. You now have to port the system over to a newer, DEC Alpha server.
The entire program is written in Assembly and must be recompiled in Assembly on the new system.
But, hey, the hard drive is bigger, right? It's about three feet long and five feet deep, powered by a diesel engine.
I wish my ponytail made me look as awesome as Steven Segal.
Posts: 4753 | Registered: May 2002
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