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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » Hygiene Product Humor/Rant (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Hygiene Product Humor/Rant
Olivetta
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This has been making the LJ rounds. I laughed so hard I cried when I read it, but it does have some foul language and TMI of female troubles. Plus, some fairly creative and potentially offensive euphemisms for... stuff.

This will probably not be funny at all to men, because, frankly, guys, You Don't Get It. But that's okay, because That's The Way It Should Be.

Time 'o the Month Rant

[ October 04, 2004, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: Olivetta ]

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Aerin
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quote:
So I took them home, cursed and snarled until the perforations-that-weren't forced me to gut the package like a deer carcass, and I tried out the "quietest pouch" which was indeed so whisper-silent that if I were a ninja, and I was bleeding vaginally, I would accept no other brand. Of course, were I a vaginally-bleeding ninja, I would have bigger problems to worry about. Like the fact that I would likely have forebrain-searing turquoise hair and horrifically inflated breasts.
[ROFL]
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BannaOj
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[ROFL]
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Tammy
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[Big Grin]
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Stray
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Hah! She's on my friends list, and I got to read that upon coming in to work this morning--awesome start to the week [Big Grin] I think I'm gonna have to leave her a comment and tell her that her awesomeness could no longer be contained by LJ, it has spilled out into the rest of the internet.
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Sara Sasse
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(Olivia, is it a bad time to call? I got your message -- got back late last night, came home from work early today.)
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Space Opera
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[ROFL]

That was simply hilarious.

space opera

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Megan
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[ROFL]

I gotta say, though...the whole quiet packaging thing bugs the snot out of me. Why, why, why is the period something to be ashamed of and hidden?

I'm also endlessly amused and bemused by the way 9 out of 10 guys react to any discussion of menstruation whatsoever. They're horrified that we'd bring the subject up in mixed company--heaven forbid they be aware that pretty much EVERY WOMAN THEY KNOW goes through it nearly EVERY MONTH.

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katharina
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I believe there was a thread once where we determined that an alarming percentage of Hatrack females had coordinated schedules.
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mr_porteiro_head
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*runs away from inappropriate mixed-company conversation*
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Tammy
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quote:
Wings, I don't mind. Packaging and advertising? Drives me mad. I mean, who rollerskates while WEARING WHITE on an ordinary day, let along a day when you're bleeding profusely and ready to tear the head of anyone who looks at you wrong!?
Did a guy write this? There's a picture of a guy next to it.

If so...he so gets it. I'd like to think that a guy wrote this. [Smile]

[ October 04, 2004, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: Tammy ]

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Sara Sasse
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[Big Grin]

[Re: link] Too true.

What I want to know, katharina, is which alpha female is setting the pack's schedule. Now that would be pretty interesting.

*money on celia

[ October 04, 2004, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: Sara Sasse ]

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BannaOj
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This is why I buy my Tampons at Costco. Much much better than the feminine hygiene aisle at the grocery store or pharmacy.

Lol, this reminds me of the time when I went grocery shopping at the superwalmart with Steve, and his roommate at the time Nathan. Since I ate over there so much I chipped in for food. There was some sort of exchange of cash at the register between Nathan and I. The guy behind us made some sort of semi-deroggatory comment about Nathan being already whipped because I was holding the purse strings or something.

However, I couldn't help but comeback with a snarky reply. He was standing their behind with nothing on the conveyor belt but a package of maxi pads. Also had like a 6th-8th grade ish boy with him.

My retort was "You've got the wrong guy pegged as my boyfriend, and you really don't have room to talk since you're obviously whipped since you are buying maxi pads!"

His rueful reply, "Yeah, you are right, and I'm even having to borrow money from my son to pay for them for her!"

AJ

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Stray
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quote:
200 [UPC symbols] would net you a personal visit from the male of your choice, who would, on bent knee, apologize on behalf of his whole gender for not having to suffer the affliction of The Monthlies, after which he'd fix a three-course Italian dinner, bake brownies, give you a full-body massage, f**k you heroically, and then, if you were having a very, very bad month for cramps, he might allow you to kick him in the nuts. Just a little. He'd go limping out about the time your girlfriends arrive with Heath Ledger DVDs, allowing them to snicker at his plight before diving into the brownies, which ought to be cool enough to eat by then.

Best Idea EVAR. *starts saving up UPCs just in case*

[ October 04, 2004, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: Stray ]

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Olivetta
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Okay. Yeah. I guess SOME guys get it. [Smile]

Sara, give me half an hour, and call my cell. On the way to Choi Kwang Do!

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sarcasticmuppet
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quote:
Like a combination used-car salesman and bible-thumping preacher, the promised fresh smell delivers false promises and veiled insults: "You'll feel fresh as a spring morning! Nobody will know you're bleeding from the twat, you disgusting, sinful, smelly woman!"
[ROFL] [ROFL] [ROFL] [ROFL]

quote:
I believe there was a thread once where we determined that an alarming percentage of Hatrack females had coordinated schedules.
I wouldn't be surprised. Isn't it proven somewhere that when women are together for any length of time they get on the same schedule?
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katharina
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Actually, I don't think a guy buying feminine products should be embarrassed at all. You know what it means? It means that he in a relationship where there is enough trust that he is willing to do this mission, which means that (1) he's getting sex on a regular basis, and (2) they have mastered the art of birth control. It should be a badge of HONOR. Yay for him!
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UofUlawguy
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That's totally the way I feel about it. It sends exactly the message that a guy buying a huge box of condoms thinks he's sending.
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Sara Sasse
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Rock on, kat and lawguy. [Smile]

(will do, Olivia)

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advice for robots
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[Big Grin] That was dang funny.

Although getting kicked in the yarbles really does hurt.

Edit: And yes, I have walked the Aisle of the Damned several times for my wife.

[ October 04, 2004, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]

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BannaOj
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Yes but a guy who is buying feminine hygeine products has no room to be derogatorily snarky himself about male-female interactions in general, particularly ones where the female is being more authoritarian.

AJ

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mackillian
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[ROFL]
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celia60
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Well, I don't think I'm following anyone's mensus schedule since mine's dictated by the one ring. Anyone who started Saturday and will be done tonight or early tomorrow is on my schedule.

Anyone?

BTW, I *like* the winged ones. I won't wear anything else. What on earth are women doing in that would cause "a critical breach in the absorbency layer through which fluids are guaranteed to seep, staining anything you sit on"? This has seriously never happened to me.

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Synesthesia
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That was the funniest thing I've read ever!
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celia60
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wow, one of the comments mentioned this reusable product. who wants to product test it for the rest of hatrack's womenfolk?
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BannaOj
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It costs $27!!! I'm not paying that much for something I have to clean and can't flush!
(I'm pretty exclusively a tampon user TSS or no TSS.)

AJ

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katharina
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Hmm...started this morning, which might explain the crying all the way through conference.

I know it's a stereotype, and the feminist part of me wants to fight it, but I can't escape the truth. I have extreme PMS, and it almost always makes me cry. The worst year ever was the year I was roommates with a girl who had the same schedule. My PMS makes me cry, and hers makes her mean. There was a crisis once a month. There's just no way around it, and it's part of the Fabulous Katharina package. In return, I'll reschedule the trip to the theatre when it turns out you forgot that BYU played that night, and I'll even save the eyerolls for where no one can see them.

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sarcasticmuppet
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Celia: um, ew?

I only cry during PMS when I'm really stressed out for other reasons. I once convinced myself that I'd missed a really important All-state tryout the week before the tryout was actually to take place and started bawling my eyes out in the middle of sacrament meeting. This made my mom start laughing uproariously at me.

[ October 04, 2004, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]

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pooka
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Wings work for some and not for others. Though my sister gave my daughter a bar of quick lathering soap last summer. It was a normal bar of soap, covered in a dri-weave pouch. Not surprisingly, they were being offloaded for a song at Big Lots. But it did lather up really fast.

Due to some peri-menopausal complaints I have heard about over the years, I never want to use a pad called "Always".

P.S. I'm supposed to be having my period right now. My sister flew in the other night. If one of my sisters is on, spending a 3 hour dinner with them is usually enough to breach the lava dome.

[ October 04, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: pooka ]

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advice for robots
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ROFL

Seems they could make bank by calling their product "Light 'n' Seldom" instead.

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UofUlawguy
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kat: I hope you're not implying that you would consider marrying a BYU fan. That's not even funny.
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celia60
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I only had that kind of PMS when I was on ortho-tri. I used to get back spasms so bad that I would just lie down on whatever flat surface I could find and wait for them to stop. Regular exercise seems to have gotten rid of those completely (yay concrete canoe practice!).

Pff...I'm putting one of these on my Christmas list this year. Silcon has to be more comfortable that a tampon.

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BannaOj
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Does anyone else use Gold Bond after showering while on a period? I find that even though I use tampons it seems to absorb the odor and moisture better than just about anything else. It's also useful at other times when you have moisture that needs to be absorbed. I've found since I've started using it occasionally, I've had less problems with Urinary Tract infections starting up.

AJ

[ October 04, 2004, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]

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katharina
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LawGuy: I'm doing my very best to avoid it. Mentioning I have a teensy bit of a wicked streak usually wipes out the possibility. [Razz] Poor boy looked absolutely shocked. I probably have to do some damage control on my reputation. *sigh*
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Synesthesia
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Nothing works against leaks. You could have wings, a tampon the size of a log and still some gets through. [Mad]
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BannaOj
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quote:
Nothing Stops the Leaks
You know I'm surprised she didn't mention the phenomenon of Period Underwear somewhere in that rant.

AJ

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celia60
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Period Underwear?
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sarcasticmuppet
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*is caught up in the flow of AJ's pun*
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Tammy
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[ROFL]

I haven't [ROFL] like this in a long time.

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BannaOj
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[ROFL] the pun was entirely unintentional.

While Victorian Period underwear might be interesting, what I meant was wearing all of your least desirable and most worn out underwear while on your period. That way you aren't taking the chance of wrecking your expensive Victoria's Secret undies.

AJ

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celia60
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But...I've been throwing those away in order to justify buying the Victoria's Secret stuff!
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BannaOj
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Do you really want stains on the Victoria's Secret stuff? Though you could just go on an oldest to newest rotation regardless of brand.

AJ

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Hobbes
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"Underwear Rotation" would be a good name for a rock band.

Hobbes [Smile]

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Space Opera
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Ok, Kat, good to know we're on the same schedule. Next month, when I've forgotten when my period is due because I've failed to mark it on the calendar I'll just IM you to ask.

space opera

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katharina
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*grin* Perfect.

Except I don't do anything nearly so organized and efficient as mark it on a calendar. I've never quite been sure why we are supposed to do that.

Come to think of it, why are we supposed to do that? Just so it's not a surprise?

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Space Opera
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It's so you waste the three days before your period actually comes wearing a mini pad and feeling like a dork.

space opera

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BannaOj
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*sigh* Kat, we need to have a Dr. Ruth talk tonight. There are definite reasons for wanting to be able to predict when it comes.

AJ

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ludosti
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celia - "the one ring" *giggles* I'm going to have to remember that when I have to go to the pharmacy to get my next one - "I'm off to get the one ring!"
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dread pirate romany
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Well, if we're sexually active, to date pregnancy.
If we're not, just in case something goes squicky. You know, horrid disease, anorexia, etc....

I have many many frinds who use the Diva cup exclusivley, and love it. It pays for itself in a few months.
I started making my own pads from old sweats about a decade ago, and have never looked back. I hate spending money on something just to get it covered with bodily fluids, then throw it in the trash.

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UofUlawguy
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Even I know that. (viz., that there are important reasons for being able to predict it)

[ October 04, 2004, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: UofUlawguy ]

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