posted
I've been a little depressed these last few days. After you guys wrote that thread about how you were worried for me, I didn't really want to write this, you know. I'm cool, and all, but I guess I might feel better if I write it down, even in English. It's one of those things I know it was not my fault, but still it nags and racks at me. See...one of my students (although he left some 2 months ago) died this weekend. Josué was his name. Only 15 years old. Left school to work as a drug dealer. Started walking around wearing fancy clothes and shoes. Showed up on the class once. I wasn't there. He offered an other teacher to buy her a new purse, because hers appeared old. He was always a talkative boy. That was his downfall. He bragged a lot that he was now a "bandido" (bad guy, criminal) and nobody would mess with him, because he was "packed" (armed) and so on... Well...someone heard what he was saying...the police came to his place...asked questions. I would not be surprised if he was beat up. He kept telling he didn't know anything. The police didn't found drugs, but they found a letter. The letter was written by a friend of Josué, Marcela, who's also my student. There, she begged him to come back to school, find a good job and leave the traffic. The problem is: she asked me to help her write the letter. After reading the letter, the police officers told Josué: "See? It's written here! You ARE a dealer." He ended up talking. It seems some of his "partners" were arrested. He called Marcela and told all this to her. He also told her that his "boss" wanted him to go to the gang's place in order to hide until things calmed down. Stupid Kid.
The next day they found his mangled body. Pierced eyes, arms wrenched from their sockets, tong nailed to his forehead...I will stop here because it makes me sick even to remember what my students told me. I didn't see the body, thanks God.
Marcela's mother (who's also one of my students) thinks whe won't come to the school anymore, because she's sad and think that she's partially responsible for her childhood friend's death, because of the letter.
Life is tough...I think I won't be teaching in the favelas, next year...I may be a pansy, but I'm reaching my limit.
Posts: 1785 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
((((((((Eduardo)))))))) Eduardo, I know I'm not even close to understand how you feel. You are a wonderful person, and living this type of things must be so hard for you I don't have the words to tell. I'm sorry. I will think about you and pray for you and your student and her friend, I'm afraid this is the only thing I can do, that and telling you I care for you. Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
Don't feel guilty or like you're a pansy. Everyone has limits - they prove your humanity. Taking a break or even never going back might allow you to do something later even more meaningful in the world.
posted
I checked "pansy" in the dictionary. Eduardo, please ! You are more couragous than anyone I know, in RL or in the internet. Sometimes I feel angry when people around me refuse to give blood or blood compnants because they fear needles (I do too and give my blood anyway) but I sure wouldn't have the courage or the energy to do your job! (((Eduardo)))
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
Echoes what Dag said so eloquently. You've displayed loads of character and heart by teaching in that dangerous area and I respect you immensely. Your dedication to date is a source of inspiration for all of us.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Eduardo, I am so sorry for everyone involved in this. It's beyond terrible.
Don't feel badly for reaching your limit - everyone does. I wholeheartedly agree with what Dagonee wrote.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Oh, Eduardo! How terrible! This is so very sad! I can only imagine how your heart must be breaking. <<<<<<<<<<<Eduardo>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please do not feel reponsible even the tiniest bit for that boy's death. You had no part in that at all. What you did was to help your student, being kind and good as you always are. It was the killers who did the evil. That was their choice to do that. Their choices are not under your control, whether by writing or not writing, by being involved or not being involved in your students' lives.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling disheartened. You have my utmost respect and admiration with a big dollop of affection on top. Thank you for sharing your sorrow with us, as well as the joyful and happy things, and the good things you've accomplished there. You're quite an inspiration to many of us. I know it's very hard not to get discouraged, but I remember all the good you do and have done, and it's not been in vain nor will it be forgotten by your students. You've made a very real difference in many lives, and touched many hearts. That legacy will spill forward causing far reaching effects that perhaps you will never even know. But it will have been your work that set them in motion.
Take care of yourself, my friend, and be comforted. I know there is not any comfort for such horror as that, but I bid you still be comforted.
posted
Eduardo, even if you packed up your bags right now and never showed up in the gheto again, you would still have shown that you have more cojones than 99% of the rest of humanity ever will. You are a hero.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
(((((Eduardo))))) I'm sorry you have to go through this... may I say that now, more than ever before, I understand what you're going through. (((((Eduardo))))) My condolences, I hope you feel better.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Eduardo... you are so not even close to a pansy. You are one of the bravest people I know. Everything you've written about your home and the places you teach are an inspiration. Never feel bad for trying to help someone in need. If you can, tell Marcela the same thing.
What happened to Josué was a terrible, horrible, unspeakable act. Poor, poor boy. My heart breaks for him. The people who did it to him should be punished, whether it is by the law or by god or by karma. Of course, more than likely, they won't be.
And again, I, nor anyone else on this forum, believes you are a pansy for deciding not to teach next year. One person can only do so much and everyone has their own threshhold for pain, whether it be emotional or physical. Take care of yourself.
posted
Eduardo, I've come to be certain that the most important thing is that the right things be done, regardless of who does them. Taking a needed break when you couldn't have continued effectively to fight the good fight doesn't mean you are a pansy, merely that you care enough to conserve your resources.
posted
Oh, Edu. It's not your fault. And you're not weak to want to move on to something else, you're strong for having done it in the first place. I don't know of anyone else who could.
(((((Edu)))))
You're in my thoughts. I wish you well.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Many others have said this, but it's true for me too: you are one of the bravest people I know, and even if you left now, you have done so much good for these people already!
posted
Nossa Eduardo, que horrível. Sinto muito. Vou falar a mesma coisa do Dagonee e as outras pessoas aqui: Você mostra bastante couragem e amor por trabalhar com estudantes numa lugar assim. Te respeto muito querido. *Abraços*
You have always been a great example to us here Eduardo, thank you. (((Eduardo)))
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
Ed, how many people walk by the favela every day and do nothing but shake their heads at teh area? You did what you could, but if you feel like you need a break then you should take one as soon as you can.
Don't be a martyr, be a teacher....you can't teach ANYONE if you die in there.
Besides, you DON'T want me to take over DMing, do you?
I am sorry to hear about your students death, but at least you tried to help him, and he died because of his own choices and actions, DESPITE what you tried to do for him, not beacuse of it.
Drop me a note if you want to talk in private about any of this. If not, see you next Tuesday.....
posted
The worst part is that I was making my mind to keep teaching there next year. But after this, every bad thing that happened to me or other teachers this year started to spin over my head:
- watching sudents leave class en masse this month, to work in temp. Chistmas jobs in malls and stores. - watching girls who are not 20 years old yet having their 2nd, 3rd or 4th son, often with different men. - watching how many of them waste their lives away by using drugs or drinking booze. - being in harm's way every other month. - thinking that scattered gunfire is no big deal. - having to forcefully remove a knife from the hand of a student, before he stabbed another one (I don't think I'm ready to tell that in detail. Sufice to say that I locked myself in the bathroom afterwards and actually cried for almost 5 minutes). - Being hit in my face twice by an student's father. - Being "invited" to teach a druglord privately (no, not me. Another teacher. But it could be me. And I guess I wouldn't like it at all).
And it's an abbridged list! I feel so tired, sometimes! A whole year (almost) has passed, and it seems that nothing changed. Some days I loathe to go there, to leave my confy and secure home and neighborhood and go there. I feel ashamed for that. I'm no better than these people, just because I happend to have a little more money than them.
Tsc...so early in the morning and already ranting. Shame on me.
Posts: 1785 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
((((((((((Eduardo)))))))))) At last you do something for it, and trust me it's not common. And if you stop you're not a coward, far from it, it has been said before but it is true, you are a hero for making it in the first place.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
You are so amazing. What you do is so incredible. I just know that all the good you do has effects. They're probably not visible yet. But your effort and care and all the work you do - it does change the world. It does.
I'm so sorry about all that you've seen and been through. Remember to take care of yourself a little, too (that's always the hardest part for me).
Posts: 3214 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
If you have some other dream or goal elsewhere that is more important, then go pursue it, but I don't think you should leave just because what you are doing is difficult. It seems to me that doing so would just feel like failing.
I suspect if you talked to some of the students who you DID succeed with, you might get a different viewpoint - I bet they admire what you've done, for the most part, not blame you. No?
Posts: 2432 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
Nah I wouldn't worry about it much. I'm ordinarily all for calling people pansies but sometimes you either call it quits or you have to make like the oriental martial arts teacher guy in a movie(name, anybody? About a drug ridden neighborhood school,and a latino kid with a mean big brother, and...) I saw once, and just go kick the ass off every bad guy in town and nearly get killed in the process. But Sitting by, not leaving and forcing yourself to watch things happen that shouldn't be happening, that can be worse than being a pansy. As for being a pansy- not to discourage you from sticking on if you think it worth it- there are times when it's simply the right thing to do. If you can't or won't swim stay away from swift waters where people are drowning, don't jump off cliffs tryin to learn to fly, and do not shoot a gun if you will not or cannot aim to hit.
Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Or go there and teach yourself, risking your life, and THEN maybe you will have the right to say that. It shouldn't feel anything like failure, and this isn't some exersize in semantics.
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There is no failure here on your part, Ed, you have done all you can to the point of endangering your life. You knew going in to this that it would be difficult, but I doubt even you knew the type of things that you would have to do there. It is not really possible for anyone to know unless they are there seeing it for themselves.
Take some time off, it really sounds like you need to do some souls searching about his. I don't think that if you decide to leave the favela that you are giving up on these kids...it sounds like most of them have given up on themselves. You have tried to teach them, and I have no doubt that you reached a lot of them, but it is time for you to start thinking about yourself.
This isn't a matter of believing you are better than them, or more deserving than they are, but rather a choice to move on to other things...for now. You have payed your dues, Ed, more than most, and there is no shame in wanting something better for yourself....or at least something safer.
There is nothing preventing you from returning in a year or two, or from doing other things to help these areas, but until it is a bit safer for you as a teacher I would take a break. If you take some time off, maybe you will feel better about going back later. As things stand now, I think it is taking quite a toll on you. and I can't imagine even trying to teach in that environment.
posted
Suntranafs... "Only the Strong," maybe? With the capoeira and the original "Zoom Zoom" song? Classic cinema.
Ed, from what you've written, I am amazed that you've stayed so long. I would never be able to do what you do. If you need a break, take it. Sometimes it's the best thing. And it doesn't make you a pansy at all.
Posts: 2849 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
i can only think of one teacher i had in my suberban posh highschool that would have lasted even a month where you are. What you have done is amasing, but you cant take care of these kids at the expence of yourself. If you keep giveing and giveing youll eventually be empty. PLEASE take care of yourself. Talk to the other teachers, look at other options, talk to people you respect, consider your family, and figure out what you can survive doing. No matter what you deside you are teacher, and judgeing by what you have said in hatrack, a good one. No matter where you go, youll help people Posts: 264 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I have no extraordinary words to add to the many that have been so thoughtfully and lovingly shared with you, Eduardo - just know that we are all behind you and support you 100%, whatever your decision may be. And please know that you have made a positive impact on many lives, just by being willing to show up every day. God Bless You.
posted
Kwea, I really don't see what you think Xap said wrong here. He didn't suggest that quitting now would BE failure ... only that it might feel that way to Eduardo. I know exactly what he's talking about, on a much smaller scale. I'm about to give up my position as a volunteer Seminary teacher because my paying job is becoming more stressful, and the early-morning hours are starting to really take a toll on my health and my ability to get enough rest.
But no matter how often I repeat those very good reasons to myself, quitting still feels like failure to me. It's NOT failure, but it feels that way. Xap is right to point out that potential consequence, though it's also good to have people like you encouraging Eduardo not to feel that way if he does choose to take a break.
Anyway, regardless, I don't think Xap needs to shut up, and I think you're being rather rude to say so.
Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I just realized that that's the first thing I've said in this thread so far. I meant to say more.
Eduardo, when I read that story, I totally lost it, and it was the only thing I could think about for a long time. I hate that anyone in the world is going through such things, though I'm glad there are people like you there to help them when you can and mourn them when you must. If only the world had more teachers like you ...
Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Just do whatever you think will be best for you. On one hand some of the things you have told us about recently are rather hair raising. I don't think I could possibly last in those types of situations. I have considered teaching in low income American schools...but while conditions in some of the schools I have looked into are bad, they are nowhere near the type of situation your schools are in. Just staying there for the time that you have been there is heroic in my book.
On the other hand, I am sure you have done a lot of good in your school. You have been a positive influence on those children's lives. It has to feel good when you see that one child succeed where they might have failed without you. Giving that up will be tough.
It just comes down to whether the positives outweigh the negatives. If you end up burned out on teaching, or worse, killed because of the situations your job puts you in, you won't be able to help anyone. As a teacher you can touch lives at any school. It does not have to be somewhere that puts you in danger.
None of us can know exactly what you are feeling, so we can try to give advice, but ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is best for you. There are positives and negatives with any decision. Just know that whatever decision you make, you are a good person who has given more to society than most would dream of giving.
Posts: 1901 | Registered: May 2004
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