posted
It’s been over half a year now, and I feel the need to share this with someone who I don’t know, and who will not judge me as a person based on this.
I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa six and a half months ago. I had hidden it successfully for around a year before my friend caught me throwing up in the school bathroom after eating lunch one day. She promptly told the guidance counselor, who phoned my parents.
I was not simply “fat,” I was “obese.” I was five feet eight inches tall, and weighed eighty-three pounds. I weighed the same as I had when I was nine and five feet tall. My friends and parents couldn’t tell how “fat” I was, because I always wore loose clothing to hide my “fat.” I never went swimming, because that would require me to wear a bathing suit, which would show off my “fat.” When my mom forced me to get in the water, I put on long shorts and a huge shirt, and went in. My clothes got so big on me that they started falling off. I was wearing extra-extra large women’s t-shirts.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when my anorexia started, but it was probably around the time I started grade eight. All my friends had moved, and the other people in my grade wouldn’t even look at me. I thought that if I were thin, then they’d accept me. At the time, I was five foot six, 100 pounds. I started weighing myself every day, every hour. I would stare at myself for hours in the mirror, trying to find ways to make myself look thinner. After grade eight, I went to high school. I gained an all-new set of friends, but still felt pressured to stay thin. All my friends were naturally thin, and I compared myself with them. I was so fat.
Once the guidance counselor called my parents, they immediately booked me into a treatment centre. I don’t remember much form the centre. I was in there for a month, and I just remember a lot of sessions with my therapist. She was really kind, and helped me a lot. I also remember them forcing obcene amounts of food into me. A whole sandwich for lunch. Three meals a day. Before, I didn’t even eat that much in a month. I gained ten pounds in those weeks, as I noticed the first time I weighed myself when I got home. They wouldn’t let us use scales in the centre. As a matter of fact, after the first time I weighed myself after treatment, my dad took a hammer to the scale so that I couldn't use it.
I came home, and found all my friends waiting for me at my house, with fat balloons. Very fat balloons. Obese balloons.
I had a small relapse a month and a half later, but my mother helped me through that.
4 months after I finished my treatment, I went back for a week, just to make sure that I was doing well. I had gained more weight, and I was sent home.
That was a month ago.
I now still sometimes think that I am fat, but my friends and family help me out of it. I especially lean on my friends Kira and Debbie. If you ever read this, I love you so much, and thank you. My mom has been great as well through all of this.
I felt that I needed to share this with somebody. I have not told anybody the whole story before (except my therapist), and it is easier to share with strangers.
So to all you out there; anorexia is real and scary. I was lucky to get help when I did. Believe in yourself and anything can happen. Always be positive, and all of you are beautiful.
posted
I'm so glad you are in a more healthy space, Kate! And welcome to Hatrack.
quote: They wouldn’t let us use scales in the centre. As a matter of fact, after the first time I weighed myself, my dad took a hammer to the scale so that I couldn't use it.
That seems like a very sensible stance. I think that any focus on numbers at all when discussing eating disorder issues, be it pounds or inches or dress sizes or grams of food, is usually a discussion of something else entirely. I can't think of any time in which the numbers are really helpful or enlightening, other than for medical professionals in a strictly diagnostic and prognostic sense.
So what else is there to know about Kate? You've told us an amazing and painful story, but what else also describes you? What else makes you you? What do you love, what are you good at, what are your other strengths? Right now, all we know about is the anorexia, and I'd bet there is a heckuva lot more to Desdemona than that.
Great first post. So glad you made your way here, Kate.
[ December 14, 2004, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: Sara Sasse ]
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
A lot of women ( Not being a man, I can't speak for them) have unhealthy body images and /or do silly things as a result. You're not alone in this. But good for you for tackling it head-on and trying to make a better life for yourself.
See, that's the other thing. We all have emotional baggage of one kind or another. Some of us have more obvious emotional baggage, but we still all have it. Ack. Enough.
We're glad you're here and we're glad you're finding your way through your problems. Now, as to what Sara said. Tell us about you - What are your hobbies and interests? What kinds of books do you like?
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
It sounds like you're doing a good job, lady. A very good friend of mine has anorexia, and she still struggles with it every day. I imagine you do too, so I'll tell you what I tell her: You are strong enough to beat your ED and you don't have to listen to what it says. Your friends will be there for you and you will beat it.
Telling people like this is also a big step and you did a good job. But they might have told you in treatment that, like Sara said, using your 'numbers' is a no no. It's OK, though. I'd also love to hear more about you and the things you like to do.
((((((Kate))))) Thank you.
Sorry if I'm being condescending. Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Hey, I'm glad that we were here for you to unburden yourself to, and I'm glad that you're taking control of this. Welcome to the forum!
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Might I suggest that you learn to cook? There is something very therapeutic about learning to make wholesome and tasty meals for yourself and your family. You will also learn about nutrition, which could help to.
Lastly, it is fun and a positive aspect to food and eating might be a wonderful addition to your newly blossoming life. Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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I know what you're going through. My best friend also suffers from anorexia and I kind of flirted with it when I was in high school. It is a very difficult task to try to unlearn what your eating disorder has convinced you about yourself. I'm still working on it, even all these years later. I no longer get on scales (except when they make you at the doctor's office). Numbers are just numbers and I hate that they can have such power over me, so I refuse to let them. I may not always like what I see in the mirror, but I am learning to find what I like about myself and focus on that, rather than what I hate. I'm so glad that you have good friends and family to help support you! That is really important.
Stay strong on your journey to health and happiness!
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Here I will attempt to answer all the questions about me that I have been asked.
quote:What do you love?
After I came back from the centre, I took up the bass guitar. I love it, it's so much fun, and I often play for hours on end. I also play a lot of hockey, also a new thing. I never really did any sports Before: I was too obsessed with my body.
quote:What are you good at?
I like to think that I'm good at the bass guitar but I'm really not. I am a pretty good student now that I'm better. Like, really good. um... like ninety-four percent average. hold on: I did not just tell you that.
quote:What are your other strengths?
Apparantly I'm tenacious. Whatever that means.
quote:What are your hobbies and interests?
Reading, playing my bass, fooling around on my computer. I don't do homework often, so I have lots of time! I don't watch any TV or movies, except for HNIC. but that's over now.
quote:What kinds of books do you like?
I read anything and everything except for romance and fantasy. Don't get me wrong, I like most of OSC's stuff, and Tolkien is good, but the rest? nope. My favourite book is Pastwatch.
quote:Icebergs.
Too true. I could get into a lot more detail on my past, but I'm not going to go there. Later.
quote:A very good friend of mine has anorexia
Tell her that she's beautiful for me, will you?
quote: (Great name, by the way. Both of them.)
Thank you! I'm afraid that I can't take credit for my real name (actually, it was my idea to be called Kate... somehow Kathryn isn't me.) And Desdemona? well, that's all mine. or rather shakespeare's.
quote:Might I suggest that you learn to cook?
thanks for the suggestion! My granny has taught me how to make truffles from scratch and even she admits that mine taste better than hers! I also make a mean pizza...(from scratch!)
Everybody else: I hope that that answers a few questions that you may have about me. Thanks for all the positive comments and welcomes... they are all much appreciated and stored in a special place in my left ventricle.
posted
Kate: plays bass guitar, smart, tenacious, plays hockey ... WOW.
You are a great role model.
I would so love to play guitar. I really do think I'm tone deaf, though -- even though some of my musically-inclined friends (the internet ones that haven't heard me sing! *grin) say that's impossible. But people who actually have heard me try to carry a tune tend to agree.
I swear, it's more than a foreign language to me -- it's like being blind in the Land of Sighted People. I'm sure there is such a thing as a "note" and "scale" and "harmony," but it's all on pure faith.
How did you get into music?
[ December 17, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: Sara Sasse ]
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I really am not a great role model... all the parents of other kids look at me wierd and walk away. I also really don't like little kids .
How I got into music: I needed something to do after, and my dad said "you could play an instrument," so I decided on the bass because it's easy to play and it looks cool. But I love it now, it's so much fun.
I am tone deaf too- I can't hear a song then play it. I need to actually get the music or the tab. Harmony? What's that? I play the bass lines.. no harmony. high notes hurt my ears.
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So glad you made your way here, Kate.![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
A lot of women ( Not being a man, I can't speak for them) have unhealthy body images and /or do silly things as a result. You're not alone in this. But good for you for tackling it head-on and trying to make a better life for yourself.![[Hat]](graemlins/hat.gif)
, Congratulations!
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I don't watch any TV or movies, except for HNIC. but that's over now. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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