posted
Last summer I had just finished up my junior year of high school and I started to date someone who had just finished their senior year. He left for college single. When he came home for a visit he wanted us to go out and do something. I made it clear that I wanted it to be platonic. When I went to his house he just wanted to stay there. So we went to sit on the couch and talk. He sat in the middle of the couch so I had to sit right next to him, and he didn't move his hands from my thigh and my neck the entire time. Despite me reminding him of my position. He tried to argue with me about it and I eventually left. He sent me and e-mail a month ago that I ignored. I got this e-mail today:
Hey. Did you get my last e-mail? I think I sent it like a month ago. Anyway, I know you're probably busy, but I thought we could meet for lunch (and only lunch) sometime over break. I mean, I understand why you wouldn't want to, but the whole point is that I owe you an apology that I'd rather give in person than over e-mail, so it would mean a lot to me if you would let me take you out to lunch so I could do so. But either way, please at least e-mail me back and tell me what's going on so I know, as soon as you get the chance. Thanks.
I was just wondering what people thought I should do? Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
It's hard to say for certain without really knowing the guy. However, I'd probably go - provided lunch was in a public place. Sounds like perhaps he realized what a jerk he was and truly wants to apologize.
However, if you don't even want to be friends with him at this point, I'd let him know. You don't have to do anything to make *him* feel better; your first priority should be you.
posted
All depends on if you'd like to spend some time with him or not. If not:
quote: I'd rather give in person than over e-mail
You should do something you don't want to because he wants to give you an apology and he would rather it be in person? Pffft. If he feels it's not a real apology without spending money on you he can send flowers.
But if this is a guy you consider a friend and you think you'd have fun, go for it. Just don't be surprised if he tries to hold your hand.
Edit: But whatever you decide, do write him back and let him know. You can politely decline, and then he'll at least know the door is closed instead of wondering. Or politely accept, under whatever terms make you comfy.
posted
DEFINETELY email him back whatever you decide. One of the things that makes me angriest about dating is when women don't keep me up to speed. Thank you, yes, the fact we've gone on a few dates means you probably owe it to me to say "I'm seeing another guy" or "I think you're stinky and I'd rather not see you again."
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
I meant to e-mail him back before, but I was not sure what to say. His e-mail from a month ago did not express any regret, it was just asking me how life was. I wasn't sure how to answer it.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I vote you go to lunch... And if he tries anything, Marry Ellis and I will be a tables away, her with a baseball bat and I with my trusty tire iron...
Posts: 1094 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
If you don't want to go, don't. If you don't want to go and also don't want to write him back, do neither and don't feel guilty.
You know he was an idiot, and obviously he finally got with the program... but this does not merit further contact unless you actively want it..
Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
Frankly, I hate apologizing for something big other then in person. I can't stand the phone... I have no idea what the other person is thinking, because I really on visual cues rather then intonative cues to figure out whats going on. And other mediums are just awful.
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
I think it is either really gutsy that he wants to apologise in person, or really slimy. It takes a lot of guts to say something in person when e-mail is so easy, but if he just wants to see me in person so he can try something then he is a slime ball.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
But it still matters what you're comfortable with. There is no reason for you to be pushed into seeing him again if you don't want to, or going to lunch with him if you don't want to, or whatever. Do what you're comfortable with. You don't need to give in just because he's not comfortable with something. Did he care that you weren't comfortable with his hands on your thigh and neck? Why does he get to set the rules? Nah. It don't work that way.
What do you want? What are you comfortable with? Answer those questions and go with it.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I say go to lunch with him. It won't be too bad, and I volunteer to call in the middle of it with a crisis, I'm good at that one. If you need to talk about it, let me know, I'm usually around, call the house or cell, or IM me.
Posts: 5362 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
When I was at his house last time I told a friend of mine to call me at a certain time so I could leave if I needed to. My cell phone was on silent .
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
If you really don't want anything to do with the guy in a relationship or friendship, shoot him down as quickly and effectively as you can. Then both you and he can move on.
If you are just starting things back up again, you don't owe him anything. Just refuse, and say his email was enough.
Posts: 1132 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
This guy doesn't deserve a second chance. Any person who puts their hands on my thighs uninvited is getting back a stump, period.
Unless you still have feelings for him, write a short, polite email informing him that he was right, you are incredibly busy.
Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I take busy to mean, "Later". Then again I've always been horrible at reading people I like. I say come out with it. Be clear, and direct. If I were the guy that's all I would ask of you. (I probably wouldn't ask for this at the time, but it would be better to know that it isn't going to happen than to hope that it is.)
Posts: 1132 | Registered: Jul 2002
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It does sound like he might be someone who regrets what he did and could be a friend, if you want.
Go if you want to go, you owe nothing to him, if you go make sure it is in public, and make your own intentions clear. If he pushes your buttons or creeps you out, no "I'm too busy" or "maybe later."
Clear, direct, unequivocal: "You know, you're creeping me out again. Doesn't matter whether it intentional or not -- I just don't want to be around you. My choice. So don't write or call again." Bluntness is difficult to do, and it feels really really weird to leave on anything other than a friendly comment. When it has to be done, though, it has to be done.
Best of luck. Let us know how it all turns out.
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Allegra -- the fact that you handled it so well the first time tells me that you will handle this fine, no matter how he acts.
But I wouldn't expect much from a guy like that. I have a "friend" who was like one of my best platonic friends in high school years ago. We've kept up the contact and friendship over time, even though our lives and directions went very opposite and we both have families, etc. But lately he has been calling me and trying over and over to get me to see him for "other" reasons, if you know what I mean. Apparently he and his wife are into "threesomes" and other forms of group sex and swapping, which I have no interest in -- but he keeps thinking he will convince me. (Not!) I'm about ready to totally kill the friendship because of it -- despite the years of history together.
Now -- can I hijack your thread for a moment? Maybe if I bury this question in this thread, Ivygirl will never see it. ----------------------------------- (the rest of this post does NOT relate to the above paragraphs at all)
[this thread is now HEAVILY editted so that Ivygirl won't have any idea who I was talking about when writing this question:]
Should I go?
I haven't really "dated" in like forever, and I'm not looking to start a LTR, but just going out might be fun. But I just can't decide if I want to get back "into the game" or not.....
posted
Go He sounds like a decent guy. If he IS, about the worst that can happen is you decide you don't want to date. THere's nothing wrong with a date, and then a "sorry, I'm just not ready to date yet" response if it doesn't go well.
If you don't go, you have no way of finding out if you want to jump back into the dating game or not.
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
My criterion for physically dating anyone these days is whether or not they can chat via aim for more than five minutes. Easy. Simple. Safe. Free. Let's you know whether the person is a communicator with something to say,with actual interests and thoughts, or a wretched, boring stick in the mud.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
vwiggin is right, flat out. The world is full of good decent guys, why entertain his thoughts?
Another issue:
quote: It's hard to say for certain without really knowing the guy. However, I'd probably go - provided lunch was in a public place.
I've seen public places used for and against people. If you got in a situation that required a quick walk out the door, you'll be less likely to do it in public. I don't think this is a good idea at all. Guys don't change that quickly, the thoughts that made him corner you and place his hands on you are still there and are probably driving this "forgiveness" date. He has betrayed your trust once already, don't let him do it again. There are plenty of attractive, decent men out there, go find one and leave this nasty one behind!
Posts: 1660 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
Also, any intelligent 'creep' can behave nicely for a lunch so that he can have an opportunity down the road to have the sexy sex with you. edit: that was to thread starter.
posted
FG- Go for it! A date is just a date. You can have a pleasant evening and then if you decide not so see him again you at least had a nice evening. I think it is worth giving him a shot.
Thank you everyone for the advice. I am still not positive what I want to do, but now I at least have more to think about.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Ok, Farmgirl, I know you said the post was edited so maybe I'm missing something. Are you asking if you should go out with a married man who wants to have sex with you?
If that's the question, I'd have to say no.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
No, that's not the question. The intro to the potential date was removed, but it was clearly not the guy in the paragraph above.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Yes, Farmgirl! Go out with the skeezy sounding married man from your past! That's what we were all reccommending!
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Oh, thank God. I thought all Hatrack had gone nuts.
If you're just dating for fun, that's a great thing, but please be sure you tell him that so you both have the same expectations.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I doubt he will stop bugging you until you provide closure, one way or the other. He is trying to save face here and will probably continue to try until you tell him something like "It's all right, I don't think you're a total idiot, I'm not going to drag your name around in the mud in front of my friends, but it's definitely over and you don't have to contact me anymore."
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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