posted
Do you think that being dismissive of someone's feelings is a sign of disrespect?
Yesterday, I felt that a friend of mine was being dismissive to concerns I had about things she said to me. She threw it away with a catch-all phrase, "girls are all nuts."
Does this mean she disrespects me? Is it possible to dismiss someone's heart-felt opinions or feelings in a positive or respectful manner?
Could her dismissive attitude just be her misperception of my actual feelings? Forgivable offense?
Posts: 1892 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
It could have been intended as either of the last two things, a catch-all phrase that means something to her that it doesn't mean the same thing to you, or even a sign that she didn't really understand how much this bothered you.
It is possible to not care about something that your friends care about deeply, but I always try (not that it always works, mind you) to be a little more tactful than that is I mention it at all.
For instance I play a lot of pool. Not as much as I use to play, which was 5-6 nights a week, but I still try to play pool at least once or twice a week. I would try to talk to my Dad about it, and he couldn't have cared less, and didn't bother to even listen because it mattered to me.
To him it is a game, nothing more, and he can't understand why I would care that much about a game.
To me it is all the good times I had when I first moved to MA. When I moved here I had no friends, no life, and had just left everything I cared about behind on two months notice. I actually started playing pool because it was something I remembered doing with my Dad when I was a kid, and I figured that it would give me something in common with my father....gotta love the irony, huh? Pool is how I met most of my friends, and how we spend most of our time together.
So he was dismissive of it, until one day he came and watched me play in a tournament. I always told him I played different in competition, but he probably thought I was just bragging.
I wasn't. And he got to see how good I was at it, and that it mattered to me, and that I was known for it and knew a ton of people because of it.
Now he at least listens to me, or tries to.
Maybe you need to have another talk with her in a day or two, if it is still bothering you. Make sure she knows how much you value her opinion, but tell her that when she was so dismissive of you tonight it really bothered you.
posted
Depends. How would you have taken that statement from a guy? Tell her how you would feel if a guy said that and ask her if she likes to be treated equally. That's the PC answer.
The real answer is that girls do deal with a lot of hormones and if either one of you had such a problem it could give rise to an intensity on your part that she didn't want to be involved in or sensitivity on her part that she didn't want to feel more than she was already feeling.
In my late teens I would be exploring my emotions and if I bothered one of my friends I would chalk it up to PMS and then one of my friends told me that wasn't going to cut it anymore. I couldn't act however I wanted and blame it on PMS. That has been very instructive for me over the years. PMS is certainly real for me but I don't force other people to deal with it.
I did read something really interesting in Eckhart Tolle today about meditation and the female pain body. Obviously a fly by there, but it applies not only to PMS, in case that isn't what is vexing you. I have had a tendency at times to see myself as all women- which is a heavy burden.
Posts: 666 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I'm actually more interested in the general case, but thanks for your input.
To expand the parameters of the original question to help clarify things, it's someone I'm dating and the problem was that she was teasing me in a sarcastic manner. I couldn't tell if she was joking or serious, and I felt that her comments hurt my feelings. She seemed to apologize reluctantly, but later when talking to a friend she dismissed my upsetness as simple girliness.
Posts: 1892 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
After spending my Christmas listening to such crapful nuggets as "Latin Americans are just out to get the most money for the least work", "When a woman has her hand out she must want money", and "There are n***ers of all colors", I've developed too thick a skin to consider "girls are all nuts" that disrespectful.
Folks, all of these sexist and racist quotes come to you from my dad. >_< Do you feel sorry for me now?
posted
To me, dismissive is telling you to your face that what you feel doesn't matter, rather than just not sharing your enthusiasm for something. And yes, that's very disrespectful.
I have to admit that I didn't read everything very closely because I'm not feeling well today.
If the situation is one where the two of you have different interests and she's not willing to participate in yours, then that's one issue. When I'm involved with somebody, I at least make an attempt to find out about their interests and why they like them. If I really can't get into something that they like, then after making the attempt I'll be honest with them about why.
If this is a case of her belittling something you enjoy, then I would consider that to be borderline disrespect at a minimum. Depends on what it is, what she said, and if this has happened before.
Course I could be completely off base here in my fog....
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Maybe by saying "all girls are nuts" she meant to comfort you. Sometimes when people say things like that they are just trying to make your problem seem smaller so you feel better about it.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Pool is how I met most of my friends, and how we spend most of our time together.
