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Either I'm really really bad at dating, or girls just have a vendetta against me. Yes, the girl who I mentioned previously has let me know she's not really interested in me. For reasons I'll probably never know. Hurray for me.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I feel for ya Boris. I hate it when they don’t tell ya anything. On to the next one! Good luck man. My last excuse I heard was that she was still in love with her ex. Ouch. Time before that was something along the lines of not wanting to date while getting closer to God. Gotta hate the Friends speech. The just total ignore ya speech. The I’m dating someone else now speech. On and on and on…… Sigh…………. Why do we keep trying…….
Posts: 2845 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Hey, don't always take the "lets be friends" thing the wrong way. When I say I want to be friends, I mean it. Personally, I wouldn't want to lose *anybody's* friendship, *especially* if I liked them well enough to go out in the first place! I think guys hear the "let's just be friends" line as just that...a line...trying to get rid of them. So don't take it the wrong way, sometimes ladies really do want to be friends.
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As the wonderfulness of the girls who turn you down increases, the wonderfulness of the one who's really there for you increases exponentially. Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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The ladies have got to realize that the "Let's be friends" speech is never going to be taken as positive, regardless of their intentions. Hence the typical male reaction to it. It can't be helped.
Sorry, Boris. Keep your chin up!
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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The ladies who give the let's be friends speech need to be on the receiving end a time or two, to know why this generally doesn't work. What I found was that being around a person I had loved and still had some strong feelings for and about, but who was no longer mine was intensely painful. I finally decided that while I was not her enemy, I certainly could not be her friend.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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The craziest I've had was a girl who gave me the lets be friends line after going out a couple of times...but then kept acting interested, calling me most every day...asking to ride with me places if she knew we were both going (even though she had a car), and to go out to dinner. It was just rather strange, I've had good friends before...but we didn't feel the need to have long conversations every day, and ride everywhere together.
*shrugs, I'll never understand the female mind*
Posts: 1901 | Registered: May 2004
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What would you prefer women do, Icarus? Do you want us to shut you out of our lives if we decide the relationship isn't working out? (Not meant to be snarky, I really would like to know). Does this mean you don't want to date your friends because you can't go back to being just friends later?
Oh, and Boris, sorry to hear that it didn't work out.
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((((Boris)))) From someone who has been on the receiving end of "you're ok... as a friend"...
quote: because you can't go back to being just friends later?
I find "Friendship may end in love, but love doesn't usually end in friendship" to be very true... I've been friends with the first girl I fell in love with after that, but no matter what I did it just didn't feel right. Now it's been like 3-4 month that I haven't talked to her. It's hard when she says you're ok, that you're the guy she talks to the most, but still doesn't want you as her boyfriend. "Asexual friends", that's what most of us men cannot be...
I'm not saying that there's a "duty" or "right" to be loved. I don't believe in that, no more than I believe in the fact that there's someone out there for each of us. Too realistic for that. But boy, sometimes it can be so hard to understand what girls want...
Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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quote: Do you want us to shut you out of our lives if we decide the relationship isn't working out?
No, but you have to understand that if a guy wants something more than friendship, being just friends will not be easy for him. Feelings can't just be turned off.
It's happened to me before. I became good friends with a girl, but my feelings for her went beyond what her's were for me. She did make it clear that she didn't feel the same, but never understood why we couldn't be as close as before.
Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2002
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quote: Do you want us to shut you out of our lives if we decide the relationship isn't working out?
I'm not sure there is a satisfactory answer to this question. It depends, though, on how much the breakup hurts, and that depends on how much we had invested in the relationship. So relationships that never get off the ground could more easily become friendships than long, intense relationships.
quote:Does this mean you don't want to date your friends because you can't go back to being just friends later?
Hmm. I have purposely avoided dating friends for this reason, but I also prefer to date friends instead of picking up total strangers. So I guess it depends on how much I believe that the relationship is likely to succeed. I find it's a chance you take, but sometimes you have to take a chance.
I'm not saying there are easy answers, just that there are logical reasons why sometimes just being friends is not possible.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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Heh. Please don't think the "let's be friends" line is a girl to guy thing. I heard that so many times I could give the spiel myself.
"I really like you, but I'm not ready for a relationship yet."
Oh yeah, well that's funny, since you got into one two days after saying this!
I have not dated since I was twenty-one, thank goodnes. Plus, at our college, there was very little dating. It was more like, well, mating.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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quote: "I really like you, but I'm not ready for a relationship yet."
I don't think I would believe that one. I know it's true sometimes, but I think it's usually an excuse. The times I've heard the "let's be friends" line, I've thought it was at least sincere.
Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Of course it’s an excuse. Just like the friend’s speech. It’s just a nice way of saying you’re not my type. No interest. No flame. No spark. Now that was a good one. I actually had a girl tell me I was very good looking, saw me as one of her best friends, shared similar values, and enjoyed a lot of the same things, but that the spark just wasn’t there. Oh well. I am still friends with her.
Posts: 2845 | Registered: Oct 2003
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quote: Heh. Please don't think the "let's be friends" line is a girl to guy thing. I heard that so many times I could give the spiel myself.
Preach it, sister! I hate that speech. (I also hate the one that goes, "You know, your personality is ideally suited to me, but...I'm just not attracted to you [or worse, you're not pretty enough for me to date].")
On the other hand, if that's the way that someone (male or female) feels about someone else, then this:
quote: Um, not dump us?
isn't really an option, either. As much as I hate the, "I like you as a friend," speech, someone staying with me out of pity is even worse.
Boris: It'll eventually work out! *lots of hugs*
Just remember not to make the lack of dating and romance in your life a major issue. I think it's sort of like finding money on the sidewalk: you're walking around doing something else, and you happen to be glancing down, and hey, look, there's a $20 bill there! Cool! You don't go out roaming the sidewalks explicitly looking for money, but when you find it...awesome!
quote:On the other hand, if that's the way that someone (male or female) feels about someone else, then this:
quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Um, not dump us? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
isn't really an option, either. As much as I hate the, "I like you as a friend," speech, someone staying with me out of pity is even worse.
Hence the smiley.
My point was that if you're going to dump somebody, there might just not be a way to do it without hurting hem. You know, it seems selfish of a dumper to want to dump someone but not have to deal with the guilt of having done it. It's not working for you? Well, do what you have to do, then. But don't whine about the fact that nobody likes getting dumped.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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"My point was that if you're going to dump somebody, there might just not be a way to do it without hurting hem."
This was my extremely effective, mature way of dumping someone.
First, have a huge crush of him. Next, have attraction reciprocated. Third, get really squicked out because he liked me back, so he must be an idiot. Fourth, ignore him for a long time. Fifth, when he catches on and moves forward, completely ignoring me, develop huge crush on him. Sixth, make complete ass of self at frat party, declaring undying love and affection for him in front of others. Seventh, go into hiding for a few months, until another crush develops.
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To elaborate on my previous sentiment, an anecdote:
Once upon a time I was pining away for a boy that I thought was the most fabulous creature on earth. We were kind of dating, I thought, but he was apparently distracted and didn't want to talk to me about it and thus I had a rather miserable month in which I had no idea what I had done wrong. I finally had to walk over to his house and insist that he tell me what was going on (after a little pumping up by my roommates who played me the jazz song "Is you is or is you ain't my baby" ). As I had been dreading, he admitted that he had kind of decided to hook up with his old girlfriend.
I was thusly rather despondent for a while, and grumpy when I went to my religion class that evening. I wasn't in the mood to pay attention, but we sang a hymn in closing called "I Believe in Christ," and one of the lines caught my attention. "I believe in Christ, He stands supreme. From Him I'll gain my fondest dream."
I was quite shocked by the straightforwardness of that, but decided I'd take God up on that. At that point, my fondest dream was that silly indecisive boy, so I told God that if I was really eligible for a fondest dream, it should either be him or someone a whole lot better.
Guess which one I got? Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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I think that time can make a difference too, when trying to remain friends. I had a girl name Trish who was one of my best friends...if not my best. We never dated, officially, but we did everything together. Too much so, looking back at it now.
Well, not everything.
There simply wasn't enough time in my life for dating, even if I had had the desire to do so. I was happy being with her, even though it was frustrating. At first I really liked her, and eventually it turned into love, no doubt about it.
However, there is a very real difference between loving someone, and being in love with them. I loved her, she was my best friend...but the last year or two of our "friendship" I was the one who didn't want to date. I loved her, but knew in my heart that it wouldn't work out, and I wasn't "in love" with her....nor was she "in love" with me.
I was just available.
She ended up screwing me over, even as a friend, and today we don't speak. Too bad, really...I would have loved having her at my wedding, and Jenni and her would have got along great....
But it was too close at the time. Too raw.
I almost didn't ask Jenni out because she reminded me too much of Trish....they were both smart, funny and Disney freaks, and both had really long, beautiful hair. Jenni liked me for over a year before we went out....but once we had gone out two or three time I could feel the difference.
I was going to marry this one. And I did.
You CAN be friends with someone you use to date, but it doesn't happen overnight. It isn't something you turn off overnight, and the friendship remains untouched. If you give it time though it is not only possible but well worth doing, as long as she/he is worth the effort.
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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quote:Preach it, sister! I hate that speech. (I also hate the one that goes, "You know, your personality is ideally suited to me, but...I'm just not attracted to you [or worse, you're not pretty enough for me to date].")
Megan, do I empathize with that. A guy I went out with in college told I didn't have the right "body type" for him. When I met his ex-wife, to whom he admitted he was still attracted, she had exactly the same body type as me.
That guy didn't know how to dump me, so he wrote me a 10 page letter elaborating everything that was wrong with me.
Hang in there, Boris. (((hugs)))
Posts: 5771 | Registered: Nov 2000
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Oh, and Adam, any woman who would tell you that "women aren't interested in" you doesn't deserve you. You will be a great catch for some lucky woman. (((hugs)))
Posts: 5771 | Registered: Nov 2000
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I've told guys that I'd rather be friends plenty of times, though always very early on (like, when they first ask me out, if I can), not as a way of breaking up an actual relationship.
At the beginning of my sophomore year, I was just coming out of my first really ugly breakup, and I was NOT interested in dating. So, of course, I had three guys pursuing me within a week. I told all three, honestly, that I wasn't ready for a relationship, that I just wanted a friend... and two of them got pissed off and started giving me the silent treatment. The third said, "okay!" and proceeded to become my friend. Several months later, I realized I was ready for dating, and very interested in him... and now we're married.
Just a warning that a girl who says, "I'd rather just be friends" isn't necessarily saying, "I'd like you to start treating me like dirt and ignoring me, because I hate you!". And that maturity is really attractive. Posts: 1681 | Registered: Jun 2004
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I'm trying to refrain commenting on this thread. Last time I started offering my opinions on the subject, well...hehe...let's not jinx it again. Posts: 1785 | Registered: Oct 2003
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I don't know that I'd describe what I have with my ex girlfriends as "friendship" (I say it like there are more than the bare minimum for plurality). I probably only speak to them once or twice a year, but the conversations are always several hours long and inevitably delve deeply into things that, I suspect, are not shared with current "close friends." I think, more than anything else, it's an attitude of "why waste a good resource?" We've put a lot of time into each other and know the other better than most, even if it’s been years since we've dated. And, y'know, the core of a problem very rarely changes. The particulars may be different, but the roots take years upon years to get over. It does, however, take a long time for any romantic tension to dissipate, if it ever does go away completely.
What makes a break-up better than terrible varies from person to person. But, man, if you tell someone that you just want to be friends and then proceed to hang out with them all the time and have them do things for you because "we’re such good friends!" you really need to revaluate how nice of a person you are. Which is, I think, why everyone hates the line. It usually means "I want to hang out with you when I'm bored and use you for emotional support and maybe sex every now and again, but I don't want to have any responsibility for how I treat you because we're no longer dating. All the perks for little-to-no work." And, of course, the dumped party will go for it because they still love you, think they can win you back, etc.
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Elizabeth, I've done that exact pattern before too. It's the suckiest thing that ever sucked. You're mortified and p.o.ed at yourself all at once. Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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I've done it before too, but it didn't embarass me for some reason. I think ego just whispers that they are trying to save face. Posts: 1163 | Registered: Jan 2005
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quote:but the last year or two of our "friendship" I was the one who didn't want to date. I . . . knew in my heart that it wouldn't work out, and I wasn't "in love" with her....nor was she "in love" with me.
quote:I don't know that I'd describe what I have with my ex girlfriends as "friendship" (I say it like there are more than the bare minimum for plurality). I probably only speak to them once or twice a year, but the conversations are always several hours long and inevitably delve deeply into things that, I suspect, are not shared with current "close friends."
It's completely different for me. That's very interesting. I don't even call my longest-lasting former flame when I'm in the neighbourhood, for instance. In general, communication with girls I've dated or fallen for tends to just sort of trail off and then I don't go out of my way to talk to them anymore. The timing seems to correlate with me getting over them. I think it's basically that I don't want to confide in someone who has hurt me in the past. And in any case, when it comes to confidants, I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. Who needs girls? Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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I'm sorry. (((((Boris)))))
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It'll eventually work out! *lots of hugs*![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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So, is he still alive?!?
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I told all three, honestly, that I wasn't ready for a relationship, that I just wanted a friend... and two of them got pissed off and started giving me the silent treatment. The third said, "okay!" and proceeded to become my friend. Several months later, I realized I was ready for dating, and very interested in him... and now we're married. 
