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Author Topic: So my friend professed her love for me
urbanX
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Have you ever had a converation that was doomed from the start? We talk all the the time, we go out we were, as far as I was concerned, very good friends. I had no clue she felt that way. Two hours ago she called, and after some small talk she announced her attentions to have a child. She tells me, "I hopes you're not mad." Why would I be, you're not asking me to be the father right?" After a small pause we switch topics. Later in the conversation her mood suddenly changes and she begins to tell me she likes me, no loves me. Then she drops the bombshell, she wants me to be the father of her child. I try to change the subject, but she burst into tears. Thus ended the conversation, and quite possibly, another relationship.

I've had a spectacular run of bad relationship. After is wonderful until the end, then everything changes. Two relationships ago I thoughtlessly got orders to move to Japan, forgetting my girlfriend at the time couldn't come with me (I was in the USAF at the time.) This led to bitterness and a bad breakup. My last relationship ended when my girlfriend inexplicably proposed to me. We both discussed marriage and we decided (I thought) that marriage was not our future. I said no, I wasn't ready for marriage. This led to bitterness and a bad breakup. Now this. I was content with being friends. Perhaps I'm being selfish. I just started going to school full time. Then again I'm 25. Shouldn't I be married by now? It was all so much easier when I was a child. I always figured I'd get married by 25. Now that I'm 25 I relize I'm no closer to being married, but I'm ok with that.

She just called again. She's pretending that nothing happened. Unfortunately the status quo has been disrupted. I hate change.

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Foust
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Here's a tip for everybody: when members of the opposite sex are "close friends," 99.9% of the time one of them loves the other.
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beverly
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Wow. That was quite a bombshell. A case of temporary insanity? That would make *me* uncomfortable. Well, if I were capable of fathering a child on anyone.
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Beren One Hand
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That is a really tough situation to be in. As her friend you should alert her to the fact that having a child without having a solid, loving relationship with the father is not a good idea. Best of luck. [Smile]
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urbanX
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I hope she comes to her senses, she's only weeks away from finishing school.
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Primal Curve
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This is where you tell her about your little accident back in 7th grade. You know, the one with the speeding bicycle, the curb and the unfortunately located fire hydrant.
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urbanX
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[ROFL]
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ketchupqueen
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quote:
I hope she comes to her senses, she's only weeks away from finishing school
I don't know what kind of family or culture she was raised in, but that might be it. She might be feeling that she should be a wife and mother by now, not getting a degree and starting a career. She may have seized on her vague feelings for you as a way to make that happen and fulfill others' or her own expectations for her. You say you always thought you'd be married by 25; now think how she feels. Most societies put a lot of pressure on women to get married and have kids younger than their male counterparts.

Or she may be in love with you. [Dont Know] I'm afraid all I can advise is to be her friend, but gently talk to her about why you're not ready and why you can't be with her, both.

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ReikoDemosthenes
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quote:
Here's a tip for everybody: when members of the opposite sex are "close friends," 99.9% of the time one of them loves the other.
you know...it's amazing how often I can fit into the .1%...unless you are counting love that isn't romantic, which somehow I doubt you are
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Farmgirl
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What ketchup queen said is good. That time just before graduating is so scary -- you suddenly realize you are done with schooling (unless you are a perpetual student) and you have to make some REAL decisions about what to do with the rest of your life. That sudden insecurity makes you look for security in your life, and best friends are a secure rock in anyone's emotional life.

Keep being her friend and help her get through this tough emotional time. Just make it clear how you feel (that the feelings she has for you at this time aren't returned) and let her get back on stable footing.

(this spoken by someone who basically did what this girl wants to do -- married suddenly because I was so unsure what direction my life was going - and I thought the stability of marriage would solve my problems....)

FG

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sarahdipity
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quote:
Here's a tip for everybody: when members of the opposite sex are "close friends," 99.9% of the time one of them loves the other.

Yeah I dunno about that. I must have a lot of guys who are love me then. I think that you can really be friends with the opposite sex. But perhaps being a woman in a typically male field I just feel it's a necessity.
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Farmgirl
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Well -- what's so wrong about "loving" your best friends?

I mean, the problem only comes in the expectations associated therewith. Like if you both love each other as very close friends, that is great (aren't husbands and wives best friends with each other?) but the problem comes if one of the friends wants that emotion to lead to a romance/commitment and the other one doesn't. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't love -- that just means you need to change expectations.

I love my best friend. Yes, it's a guy. And yes, I would probably love for it to become something more than best friends. But he has already made it clear to me that although we are very very close, he has no desire to go into the romance/possible marriage/commitment type realm of this. We can love each other as friends and stay friends.

In order for me to do this (of course, I'm a middle-aged adult, not a young adult) I just had to make up my mind WITHIN my mind on how I was going to handle this. I had to think -- "What would be different in my love for him if I was married to him, as opposed to my love for him now?" And I decided it was only in the way I could show it. When you are married, you can show your love through affection and kissing and making love, etc.

When I toss those possibilities aside, I can find perfectly acceptable ways to show my friend I love him, while still being just a friend. I can spend time with him, have long discussions with him, share hopes and fears, pray for each other, etc. etc. In other words, I can take all the best parts of friendship within marriage, and just take out the sex/affection, and that is what we can have now as friends.

Did I make any sense here?

Farmgirl

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urbanX
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That's exactly what I had with my friend.I realize that's she's under alot pressure. There is uncertainty about her future employment, job interviews studying for the Pharmacy Bar test, and where is going to live in the coming months. Add in what she believe society says about her being 25 and unmarried and you have one volatile mix. I try to tell her more people are getting married later in life, but she doesn't believe me. Now would be the worse time to get married I believe.
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Magson
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quote:
This is where you tell her about your little accident back in 7th grade. You know, the one with the speeding bicycle, the curb and the unfortunately located fire hydrant.
I had an unfortunate accident involving a bicycle and fire hydrant when I was in the 9th grade. Of course, I managed to jump off and avoid injury. . . .
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TomDavidson
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"I must have a lot of guys who are love me then."

In my experience, many women are completely unaware that this is in fact the case. [Smile]

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kyrie
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very few couples get married before 25 now. the more develped a nation is the higher the marrige rate. although durring the 50's, this was not true in the US. there was an expectation and a lot of pressure to get married early in college, if not in highschool.

I do not aggree with the statistic of most friends of the oposite sex thing. I have alwasy had many close male friends with no, sexual involvment feelings on eather side.

Try to keep being her friend and supporting her in the (obviously) confusing time in her life. although, if she dosent let up about a child, perhaps its best to remove your self from the situation...

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TomDavidson
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"I have alwasy had many close male friends with no, sexual involvment feelings on eather side."

This is uncommon. Now, I've heard many women say this, but also many of those same women have no idea how the men in their lives actually feel about them.

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Foust
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quote:
This is uncommon. Now, I've heard many women say this, but also many of those same women have no idea how the men in their lives actually feel about them.
Totally true.
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Lyrhawn
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quote:
Here's a tip for everybody: when members of the opposite sex are "close friends," 99.9% of the time one of them loves the other
I'm the poster child for that statemet. I'm secretly in love with my best friend.
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Noemon
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Farmgirl, what do you think would happen with that friendship if either of you were to meet and become seriously romantically involved with someone else? Would you avoid the possibility of becoming romantically involved with someone else because of the harm it might do your relationship with your friend?

I've had a number of close relationships with women, some of whom I had no interest in becoming romantically involved with, some who I *had* been romantically involved with, and was now just friends, some who I secretly pined over, and some who secretly pined over me. The last three types have been the most common for me, but the first hasn't been terribly uncommon.

In some situations I've had women with whom I had a relationship that went beyond friendship, but didn't quite extend into outright romance. Those can feel wonderful, and be fulfilling, but they generally seemed to be lopsided, with one or the other of us more involved with the relationship than the other. The pattern was usually that the one who was more involved wouldn't really be interested in dating someone because of how much they valued what they were getting out of the relationship with their friend, while the other would eventually meet someone else and start dating them. Almost inevitably, that person's new significant other would feel threatened by the friendship between the two, and eventually the friendship would recede, sometimes returning to its former intensity when the romance went sour and sometimes not.

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twinky
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Tom wins.
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Corwin
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quote:
Tom wins.
Couldn't agree more. All hail Tom! [Big Grin]
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breyerchic04
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Tom does win

I recently ( I guess it's not that recent anymore really) found out that a guy who had been one of my best friends for a couple years has had a secret major crush on me most of that time. So I don't know that I think it's 99 percent, maybe like 80, but most I'm pretty sure.

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MyrddinFyre
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quote:
This is uncommon. Now, I've heard many women say this, but also many of those same women have no idea how the men in their lives actually feel about them.
I'm quite well aware which male friends are "in love" with me. We even talk about it and stuff. Doesn't make our friendship any less.

Or any more, for that matter (thank goodness!)

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MyrddinFyre
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Oh and to the topic at hand-- Urban, I'm sorry about this complication, it can't be easy on either of you :/
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twinky
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It isn't always secret love, but I can't think of very many of my real life female friends who I'd kick out of bed for eating crackers. I'd say that I'm attracted to most of them to varying degrees, and that the level of attraction varies greatly with time. Not so attracted so consistently that I actively pursue any of them, though.

Edit: Also, forget secret love. Tried that in high school and figured out that it sucks. Never again. Being the object of secret love is also, in my experience, unfun. I think secret love is generally just sucky.

Edit 2: For some reason, "What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark!" is stuck in my head.

[ March 05, 2005, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: twinky ]

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Corwin
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quote:
Also, forget secret love. Tried that in high school and figured out that it sucks. Never again. Being the object of secret love is also, in my experience, unfun. I think secret love is generally just sucky.
quote:
Here's a tip for everybody: when members of the opposite sex are "close friends," 99.9% of the time one of them loves the other.
Well, if Tom won, then twinky & Foust share a very close second place! If only more people knew these things...

And urban, I'm sorry for what's happened to you. [Frown] I hope you and your friend find a good way out of this situation.

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Elizabeth
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urbanX, I think it is better that she let you know her feelings, rather than keep them secret. If her friendship means enough to you, and if your friendship is worth more to her than not having you around at all, you can work this out.
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urbanX
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I'm pretty sure we can get past this. I've talk to her a few more times, there is no mention of the conversation in question. Should I bring it back up, or wait for her to bring it up? At this point it seems we're pretending the conversation never happened.
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Elizabeth
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Well, if this had happened to me, I would have ignored it, but I don't think that is a good thing.

I would not push her to talk about it now, if she is obviously ignoring it, but let her know you want to talk about it if she does.

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Corwin
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quote:
I've talk to her a few more times, there is no mention of the conversation in question. Should I bring it back up, or wait for her to bring it up? At this point it seems we're pretending the conversation never happened.
Hmm, I'm a "go all out for the truth" person usually. And it seems that's what you have to do now. She's understandably a little ashamed of what she had said, so she's not going to bring it up. But without this thing cleared out of the way there's the possibility for the relationship to take really weird turns, IMO. So yeah, talk to her about it, gently, but talk to her.

Edit: Or what Liz said: let her know you're ready to talk about it.

Edit 2: How odd it is that the current song in my winamp is Rod Stewart's "Don't want to talk about it"?! o_O

[ March 05, 2005, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: Corwin ]

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Swampjedi
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Urban, honesty with tact and gentleness. Speak the truth in love.

-----

I seem to always have female friends myself. It's always been that way. Up until a few years ago, I would often find myself falling in love romantically. Of course, it was always one sided, and I would usually end up hurting myself and my friend. Maybe that's just being a teenager, I don't know.

First, a bit of background - I am single and 20ish, and very seriously Christian.

In 2003, though, I made a true friend with a woman who happened to be married. We set boundaries early on (it was a three-way process), and have never had a problem. I love her as a friend, but nothing 'more'.

This year, I again made friends with a married lady, who has grown into my best friend. We connected spiritually (we are both serious Christians) and grown from there. We have been explicit with boundaries from the start. Our relationship is built on our faith, and so we listen to God for direction.

For my friends and I, trust, honesty and openness has been the key. Nothing forced, nothing hidden, nothing one sided - that's our motto. I know that I do not love them that way, and I trust that they do not either. If it does ever come to that, we will work through it. We realize how most people probably see our relationships. However, it's only really important to me that the husbands involved understand. These women are like sisters to me, and I treat them as such (affectionately). Honestly, their gender and marital status doesn't really figure into our relationships. It is easier to show affection, though. [Smile]

Having female friends isn't as easy as having male ones, for me. It's more work, it's more stress, but in the end, it's worth it. Having married female friends can be verydifficult, but I have been blessed with two fine Christian ladies with very understanding husbands.

I guess it helps me that I'm no ladykiller [Wink] , and that I am honest about what I am looking for - someone to goof off with, to read and discuss scripture with, and to love. I am looking for friendship, not a lover.

I expect this to be rather controversial. I know it is with my parents. Might need another thread for this, I don't know. If I am too far off target for this thread, I apologize.

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kyrie
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quote:
I'm quite well aware which male friends are "in love" with me. We even talk about it and stuff. Doesn't make our friendship any less. Or any more, for that matter (thank goodness!)
dito. I strive to have open honist relationships with almost all of my friends and relationships. I often give relationship advice to male friends. I ask male friend for advice phisical matters, and give advice from a female perspective.
I know a lot of people who dont work this way. Lots of people have hardly talk about things at all. The fact that some people think that friends have to be compleatly different catagories is ludicris. Its important to relate to people out side of a phisical/sexual way.
My boyfriend and i resently desided that when we break up (we have no plans to do so at the moment), we are going to go out to lunch the very next day. Being open can be uncomfortable some times, but the benifits in the long run are valuble.

I would talk to your friend about the conversation again, get it out in the air, then youll both be able to put it behind you.

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urbanX
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The problem I'm having is it's very difficult to get to her open up about her emotions. Whenever we get to point where real feelings are envolved I get comments like, "I don't want to talk about it." How do I go about getting her to open up?
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Astaril
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Hmm. Being one of those "I don't want to talk about it" girls myself, I have to warn you there's a chance you might not *be* able to get her to open up. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try by any means.

It's possible she does want to talk but doesn't really know how to open up or finds it really difficult, so it's easier for her just to ignore it. If you want/need her to talk to you, I'd suggest first acknowledging that "you know she doesn't want to talk, *but*..." then letting her know that you really want to hear her/help her, that it would mean a lot to *you* if she could try to talk (she obviously cares for you), and reassure her that you're not going to judge her or hate her for whatever she says. And try to be patient and encouraging if she still finds it hard! I know this is putting a lot on you when she's the one who brought this all up, but you did ask how to get her to open up... For myself, I know trying to get me to talk is really taxing on other people, and I hate that, but at the same time, if I feel like I'm making them impatient or angry, it only makes me draw further in, despite what my common sense tells me to do the opposite to fix things.

It's too bad for you both that things got so... strange, but if you're close you should be able to work it out. Good luck!

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Coccinelle
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Twinky, you read my mind. I also thought of "Friends skate to Endless Love in the dark." I agree with many of the other things that you said.

This is a really, really scary thing. I have to say, it is not enboldening.

--katie (Lady Jane)

[ March 05, 2005, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: Coccinelle ]

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TomDavidson
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Here's a question for you: did she say she wanted to have your child, or that she wanted to marry you? There's actually a huge distinction.
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urbanX
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She said she wanted to have my child.
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TomDavidson
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Okay. What that means is that she was testing the waters in a dysfunctional way. I've heard similar comments from girls, and they're a slightly less healthy version of the classic "if we're both unmarried at 30, let's get hitched" pact that's typical in this sort of situation.

It means she's lonely, she's looking for a future, and she likes you a lot. She's gotten tired of dropping subtle hints, so she dropped a big enough bomb that you can either laugh it off or ignore it altogether.

So now what you have to decide is if you find her kissable. When you look closely at her face and stare into her eyes, are you tempted to take her hand? Do you ever idly wonder how her hair smells?

If not, what you do is take the opening she gave you and laugh it off. Clearly, after all, she was just kidding around. Exaggerating. You know. If you stop for a second to think about it, obviously that's not the case -- but if you act like it long enough, eventually you'll even come to believe it. (The downside here is that about a year from now she'll try again, especially if you start dating somebody else.)

But here's the big problem with that approach: announcing her intentions to have a child without first discussing love or marriage is a cry for help, a desperate scream for attention and meaning. It's like the flip side of suicide. What she wants, I suspect, is for you to tell her that having a child right now is silly and dangerous and irresponsible. But if you do that, you can't laugh it off. So it's up to you whether eventually letting the awkwardness wear off is worth not acknowledging her cry for help.

[ March 05, 2005, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]

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urbanX
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UPDATE: She just woke me up we bad news, her ex is now dating.I reminded her that she didn't even want to get back with him but she told me that's not the point. The point is no one wants to marry her. She went on like this for about twenty minutes. Now she's depressed. I tried to remind her thats shes so close to finishing school, she should be happy. She didn't seem convinced.
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Telperion the Silver
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Yikes...

This all seems very familiar to me ...it's very difficult thing as a gay guy falling in love with your best friend, knowing that it can never be. And then you tell that person and then feel stupid for saying anything.

Ugh. Sucky situation dude. Hang in there.

I say have a heart to heart with her. Bring up her feelings for you.

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Raia
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I can identify with your post more than many others I've seen, urbanX. I can't say how much I understand, and I can't give you any advice either, since whenever I've handled it it's been a disaster... unfortunately, all I can do is sympathize. [Frown] ((((((((((((((urbanX))))))))))))))))
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Corwin
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Hey, urban, anything new about your situation?
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