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Many of you may know that Pixie and I have been together romantically for a rather long time, 2 1/2 years now. Well she is about to go to Macalaster college in St.Paul Minnesota, which happens to be 45 minutes from my home, I'm currently stationed in Germany so I won't be home home for another 2 1/2 years. Well.. normally I do not bring so much of my private life here on Hatrack, and I can have a rather strong opinion at times on certain topics, so I do not post nearly as often as I once did.
I have to admit that I have cried more in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. I am not normally.. such an openly emotional man of late, but I can not help to be so distraught when it concerns the woman I love so. Her mother decided awhile ago that she and I shouldn't be an item anymore, as she thought us being together would deprive each other of our choices in life, as we have been together from a young age. I can understand her mother not wanting us together, even though she says that she finds me to be a very good man. It is simply.. the tactics she attempts to use.
For one she actually threatened to pull her daughter out of college, as in not pay for it, if we even talked/wrote/emailed each other anymore. On top of that she almost thought about not letting Morgan go on her Europe trip as she was afraid we would try and contact each other, even though we had no such plans. On one occasion she even told Morgan that it would almost be a good thing, though tragic, if she were to die in some kind of accident as it would save her from a life with a terrible marriage.
These words.. simply burn me with so much hate and sorrow, how someone could treat their daughter so. Just.. I am a man of action and though I have tried to calmy discuss things with her mother before it never works. I simply feel so beaten down, a broken man.
I apologize for ranting.. and being like this. I simply am not.. near my usual self.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: May 2001
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I have been with my girlfriend for going on 4 years now, and her mother feels the same way. She doesn't want her daughter to find love so soon. She uses the same types of tactics as Pixie's mom seems to be using.
I fear that the damage done by this struggle has become irreversible. I try my hardest not to harbor resentment for the woman, who in most other cases I can respect, but it is so difficult when she treats her daughter so poorly when it comes to me.
I can offer you no suggestions for how to fix things, and no real help because it really can't get better unless she decides to make things better. Just stay strong, and if the feelings you two have for each other are strong enough, you can make it through. We have so far.
It's a shame that these types of wedges have to be driven between people who are otherwise good and decent. I hope that one day Pixie's mother will come around and realize there are worse things than falling in love early with a decent guy. I hope my girlfriend's mother will accept me one day as well.
posted
I'm sorry for you. Her mother, however well-intentioned, sounds unbalanced. What could be so bad about having your daughter marry a "very good man?" Talk about depriving someone of their choices!
Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I know. It just destroys my heart so much, I love pix with my entire soul, she is such a great human being, it hurts so to hear her cry.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
Black Fox and Pixie, what a horrible situation! I don't have any advice, but y'all have all my support and good wishes.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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Would it be possible for you to pay for her college while in Germany? You could see her on leave and she could see you on her breaks. It's doable. Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Ah, that is terribly sad! Endure with patience, though, and you shall prevail. Did you know that J.R.R.Tolkien was forbidden to speak to or write or see his beloved Edith for 3 years? On the day he turned 21 he wrote her a letter and they were engaged and soon after married. Have faith, be true to one another, and nothing can stop your love.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Tatiana: Ah, that is terribly sad! Endure with patience, though, and you shall prevail. Did you know that J.R.R.Tolkien was forbidden to speak to or write or see his beloved Edith for 3 years? On the day he turned 21 he wrote her a letter and they were engaged and soon after married. Have faith, be true to one another, and nothing can stop your love.
I never knew that... What she said. Don't give up... Don't let anything stand between you....
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:On one occasion she even told Morgan that it would almost be a good thing, though tragic, if she were to die in some kind of accident as it would save her from a life with a terrible marriage.
That has to be one of the most horrific things I've ever heard.
I'm actually facing something of a similar situation, as my current boyfriend is in ROTC and will eventually be an officer in the Marine Corps. My mom questions whether or not that's the right thing to do, though she's never said anything like Pixie's mom. My heart goes out to you guys; I hope you can find a way to make it work in the end. I think if you've made it this far, you can go the distance.
Posts: 1784 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Wow. What else is there to say besides what's already been said? That's awful, I'm sorry to hear you two are facing such bizarre and hurtful difficulties.
I suppose there is one thing that might provide some comfort, if not a course of action and relief. That thing is that based on what her mother has said, she is clearly unbalanced or at the very least not thinking very clearly about the issue-and that it is no fault of yours. You can perhaps take some relief from that.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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I had been wondering what had happened to you guys, but I never thought it had grown into something like this. I'm so sorry.
Posts: 3420 | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:On one occasion she even told Morgan that it would almost be a good thing, though tragic, if she were to die in some kind of accident as it would save her from a life with a terrible marriage.
That has to be one of the most horrific things I've ever heard.
I'm sorry, guys.
That's exactly what I was going to write. Oh my goodness. *hugs tight* I really wish there was something I could do.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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My mother and father-in-law were furious when husband's sister eloped with a man from another country. They withdrew all support for her college education and flew 1000 miles to retrive the car she was using. The relationship did not warm up until after their 1st grandchild was born. My sister-in-law and her husband were invited back to her parents' home and they started the hard work of mending burnt bridges and growing to love their son-in-law. This was 35 years ago. My brother-in-law is a generous man and my in-laws sincerely changed. Keep a place in your heart for patience, and renewal, even if there is no sign of mercy in Morgan's mother.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Kick Pixie's mom in the head? That's the first thought that comes to my mind.
On a more serious, and less violent, note, I wish you two good luck and maybe you should consider eloping and leaving the wacky mom in the dust. Or something like that. Hey, I don't mean get married right now, but when/if you do, don't worry about the opinions of people like that. Keep your business to yourselves, carry on with your lives, ignore nutjob comments, and do what will bring the two of you happiness.
posted
This all boils down to what sort of relationship Morgan wants with her mother. If she chose to, she could sever those ties and find a way to go to finish school on her own. But that's a drastic step and one I don't recommend until and unless the influence of her mother has become just plain intolerable.
Just to broaden this discussion a bit, was the mom particularly distraught at the moment she said that one truly horrible thing? Did she take it back ever or try to make it up to Morgan (in other words, did she say and later show remorse?) A lot of things slip out of people's mouths when they are not prepared for the changes and challenges that life is throwing them.
My first thought when I read that is that maybe mom had a pretty rough marriage and has all these inner fears about the subject in general that may find expression in rather surprising ways. Especially if her point of view is not presented.
The basic fact is that Pixie is still young and still living under the generosity of her parents. And her mom is paying for her school and a whole lot more, I'm sure.
But if the woman is an out-and-out harridan and her words and actions are unforgiveable, then it is possible to live without her support.
Or, you can just wait a couple of years and establish your own life together without needing the permission or approval of anyone.
My advice to the "very good man" in such a situation is to NOT drive a wedge between her and her parent. Just be patient. Don't be disrespectful, but don't waffle either. If she acknowledges you are a good man, then remind her of that. And plan to wait. Tell mom you'll wait, if you can.
Even if the woman is horrid, chances are Morgan will want a relationship with her, and if you are ever the cause or instigator of any rift between them, your relationship will suffer for it.
If nothing else, you can choose to be the calm, rational one in the situation and everyone will look to you for counsel in the future.
Good luck.
And, if it helps any, just remember that the most likely scenario is that you'll both outlive the woman by a good many years. No matter how bad she is, she'll likely die before you.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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quote: My first thought when I read that is that maybe mom had a pretty rough marriage and has all these inner fears about the subject in general that may find expression in rather surprising ways. Especially if her point of view is not presented.
That was my thought too, Bob. It sounds to me like she might have had a bad marriage experience herself, and is now irrationally afraid that her daughter will go through the same thing.
Posts: 957 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
There are many many examples in history of lovers who waited 5,7, 10 years or more for each other. If you two really want this to work, then go ahead and do your two years, let her finish college and then you will both be independent and can move on together from there. Keep in touch with letters, e-mails and phone calls, but if your love is strong, you CAN do this.
I know our society is used to having things 'right now' but sometimes patience really does make for a stronger, more mature person. You two will have to decide if you think you can do it.
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How ethical is it to continue to thrive on one's parental genorisity, knowing all the while that the moment it is no longer required, you will do the thing that was forbidden the whole time you were thriving?
Bob's right, as usual-if the statement was made during major stress and it was later apologized for in word and action, that's one thing. In that case, I'd guess that the mother isn't so bad as to preclude waiting. If it wasn't, however, and after trying it won't be apologized for, then it sounds to me like there simply wouldn't be any hope for a successful or even non-hurtful relationship with the mother, and to become independant as quickly as possible.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Well I talked to her about the one comment afterwards and she did not retract it. That and I do plan on waiting for her and I have been patient with her mother. I have never swore or attempted to belittle, insult, etc. her at all. That and I very much don't want to drive a wedge between her mother and I nor Pixie and her Mother. In all honesty besides this whole debacle I find her Mother to be a rather nice enjoyable individual. That and I have no problem with waiting, I have been waiting this long through some rather trying times, I doubt waiting longer will make my love grow weaker, if anything it will be the stronger.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
"How ethical is it to continue to thrive on one's parental genorisity, knowing all the while that the moment it is no longer required, you will do the thing that was forbidden the whole time you were thriving?"
I don't like the term "generosity" for paying for one's child's education, actually. That injects guilt into the equation, and as a parent, I try to avoid using guilt to motivate my children. (though it is so easy a trap to fall into, and was used on me my whole life)
Isn't graduating from college, and going out into the world on your own, all about making your own decisions?
But I agree with the waiting game, Black Fox. As an old fart, two years of waiting does not seem like a whole lot. I know it seems like an age to you now, but try to take the long view.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Well I'm more than willing to wait, that and Pixie has a rather large scholarship to Mac, she is getting something like... 26-28 out of 32 or so paid by the school etc. Yes still some thousands of dollars in tuition to pay, but nothing as extreme as many of the people I know.
That and I do believe her Mother has had a bad marriage, but I honestly don't want to comment on that at the moment. Anyhow, I will be fine.. I suppose I'm more worried about her.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
You, my mom liked Wes and everything but really, really didn't want me to get married at such a young age and felt that my relationship with him was what kept me from finishing school.
It wasn't, I had already dropped out before he and I started dating, but I hadn't told her right away, so she associated the two together.
My grandparents were also against it.
Now, I have to point out a *huge* difference between my situation and Pix's, in that my family did support me. However, I was hurt knowing they were against it.
Of course, they all laughingly admit how wrong they were. So, the best way to pay her mother back for such a terrible comment is to continue to love each other and show her what a good marriage is like when you two finally are together. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I hope things work out for the best. Good luck.
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That's the first thought that comes to my mind.
