posted
I hate them. More than anything, they say "I got this because I had to, but it wasn't worth putting any effort into it." It makes me wonder how much of our relationship exists just because they feel obligated, and that really sucks when it's a relationship that's important to you. I'd rather have someone forget completely or be four months late than get me something that says "It's sort of pointless but I figured this was as good as anything."
This, of course, does not apply to friendships just starting out, or people with whom I am not on an intimate basis. In that case, of course I'm not picky.
I just hate it when you get something from someone to whom you are supposed to be important, and it clearly could have been given to absolutely anyone on the planet. It's worse when it's a generic kind of present that you personally don't like and have said so a dozen times. Best kind are presents that they thought would mean something to me, but if that is too hard, then something that means something to them. Better nothing at all than something that says "I put the minimum amount of effort into this that I could." And if that action is inevitable, then for the Love of Pete do NOT tell the person you gave the present any of the above quoted sentences.
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But you can't just post something like that and not tell us what it was! Unless you'd rather not say, of course. I can respect that.
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Oh. It was flowers. Daisies. Expensive, but generic. And *sigh* I've never been a fan of daises.
And yes, one of the above quoted sentences was spoken. That probably is what sparked the irritation.
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posted
What sort of presents are generic? I want someone to give me clock parts or pretty marbles or Dir en grey posters, t shirts, cds, magazines, wrist bands. Hint. My birthday is coming up.
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This is why I hate obligatory gift occasions (birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc.). They are incredibly stressful times for me.
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quote:It's worse when it's a generic kind of present that you personally don't like and have said so a dozen times.
My biggest there is stuffed animals from people I'm dating. I am not five! I do not need or want any more stuffed animals! And I do not think they are cute!
And then: "I know you've said you don't like to get stuffed animals from boyfriends, but this one was so cute, and I thought it would look good next to your computer." ARGH!
(Note: That particular incident was 3 years ago. And it still irritates me.)
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posted
I love recieving flowers , if they're chosen well...
I suppose it depends on how their presented. Generally if I don't feel close enough to give a gift I'll send a card or an e-mail.
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posted
Flowers are useless. You can't even eat them unless they are violets. Give me chocolate instead or a pocket watch. I would love it if I had a mate that would give me an antique pocketwatch.
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posted
Katie: That stinks. I can't imagine having the nerve to actually tell someone that I was just buying a gift out of obligation and didn't care otherwise.
Porter: Me too! Well, mostly. Birthdays and Christmas are fine by me. Anniversaries are borderline, but Valentine's just seems dumb to me. February 14 has no intrinsic meaning to me, so why should I buy a gift that day?
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posted
As long as I've spilled this much, I'll admit it was my dad, for my birthday. And he usually says something like that whenever he reluctantly feels obligated to get me something. For college graduation, it was accompanied by the prize-winning "If your mother were here, it would be different."
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posted
My father seldom gives me presents for my bday... But, really a lot of thought should go into gifts...
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YOu know, I'm having a real issue here. I find myself trying really hard not to hate some guy I don't even know.
But that ... just sucks. Wouldn't it better if he just shut-the-blank-up rather than actually saying that he was doing the least he could get by with?
And don't think I've forgotten the whole I-won't-wait-two-months-for-you-to-get-back-from-your-mission-before-I-get-married-because-I-can't-wait-that-long-for-sex thing.
I just want to slap the man for not recognizing what a gift he has in you, Katie. I mean... I would be so proud to have such a strong, beautiful, intelligent daughter. I'm proud of you NOW - my little ol' unrelated self, who doesn't even agree with your opinions half of the time ( ) - just seeing you stand up and speak out for what you believe in.
I know he has to be a worthy person, because half of your DNA came from him.
But it still makes me angry to think he has so little ability to show his love in a way that you need it to be shown.
*grumbles*
I want to write him a letter or something. I promise I'll be nice... Posts: 1664 | Registered: Apr 2004
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I wish I had a little stuffed animal that looked like Bernie because he's so darn cute. *agrees with Olivetta*
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You know what makes me happy? Low expectations.
I don't expect much in the way of presents from anyone, and so if someone gives me a little token, why, I'm pleased as punch!
And if someone happens to give me a very thoughtful wonderful gift, I am completely bowled over!
This is nice for the gifter, too, because it makes them feel appreciated and not taken for granted.
So, I have a bunch of scented candles, some gift certificates, a few beanie babies, and some picture frames. I don't mind!
And the "generic gift" is perfect in one special way -- it is easily re-gifted in those instances when a gift is expected of you. Like a hostess gift, or a co-worker's birthday, your kid's (or your) teacher on the last day of school.
But even I, with my low expectations, have a peeve about the lowest form of giving -- the "e-card". This says, "I know it was your birthday, but getting a real card is too much trouble, and picking up the phone is a bother, but since I was sitting and checking my e-mail anyway..."
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quote:But even I, with my low expectations, have a peeve about the lowest form of giving -- the "e-card". This says, "I know it was your birthday, but getting a real card is too much trouble, and picking up the phone is a bother, but since I was sitting and checking my e-mail anyway..."
I love e-cards! And I pick them out for other people very carefully -- usually looking at 20 or so different ones. If I tried to buy one in person, with the very limited time I usually have, I wouldn't be able to look at more than a couple. The days when I could spend an hour in a card store are looooong gone.
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Then one day I voiced that opinion when the UPS guy dropped of the generic present from a person VERY close to me.
He said "hey man, you got a present."
I've never looked at it the same again, and I feel better about it.
That UPS man made me realize that sometimes people are just not prepared to get a proper gift at the moment when one is required. And sometimes it is just too hard to decide what's right and one goes into vapor lock and then hits the panic mode and has to do it. Or, whatever...
Hearing a sentence like one of the ones in your first post is a whole 'nother thing. And I don't blame you for being royally ticked off about it.
Also, my generic gifting has gone way down once I realized that when the panic sets in it's always possible to just give the person something YOU would like. That way, when you go over to their house, you can play with it and at least one of you can be happy. Often enough, the person will just give you the darned thing to get it out of their house and that's a bonus too.
Good luck kat. Sorry your dad <edited -- I didn't see the other post where you spilled the beans -- the rest still applies> let you down. I hope you can work it out.
ElJay -- stuffed animals are great regifting fodder. Worst case they make great packing material to protect glassware.
posted
Actually, I gave a huge box of 'em to charity right before Christmas last year. It felt very satisfying. There was one huge, plush teddy bear in particular that I hope some kid is just loving. All, of course, in perfect condition, since I never played with them. Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I agree with Bob. There have been times where I've looked and looked for just the right present. Either I couldn't find it or I just couldn't decide so I ended up getting something "generic" at the very last moment because I had to get something.
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I'm trying to remember which boyfriend ElJay would have had three years ago, but I can't really figure it out for sure. This says something bad about either my memory or ElJay's dating habits.
Flowers are an iffy gift. Sometimes they are loved and wonderful and you become the "amazingly thoughtful guy" for sending them. Sometimes its more like Kat's reaction and it seems like you couldn't think of anything good to send. I think they seem to be good presents for no-real-occasion type things, not as much for birthdays or "official" holidays.
--Enigmatic (is actually pretty sure who she's referring to, but couldn't resist that joke)
Posts: 2715 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
"I love recieving flowers , if they're chosen well..."
Many of you know my issue with flower arrangements. They remind me so much of funerals. So, when I was in the hospital, and would get flower arrangements, I couldn't help thinking I was dead.
On the other hand, sending flowers is a tried and true way of saying you care, and I really appreciated that.
I know goft certiificates seem kind of cold, but to me they say, "I really wanted to get you something, and I know you would like something from Barnes and Noble, but I did not know which thing to pick out."
posted
I have trouble picking out gifts for people. Every once in a while I hit the jackpot for a particular person, but mostly I have trouble telling what people would truly like, even if I know them well and love them a lot.
On the other side of things, I love getting little stuffed animals (rivka's "smaller than a breadbox" ). I confess to having a shelf full of beanie babies that my husband and I exchanged (yes, I gave some to him, too!) while dating.
[ January 21, 2006, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: Crown Princess of Pickle Relish ]
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That is adorable! My kids enjoyed it too (although my eldest wants to know if the little purple one will ever actually make it into the pool ).
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Re-gifting? Good idea, but a little hard with flowers. Unless you wait until they are dead and give them back to the person who sent them. I'd rather not receive cut flowers at all.
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posted
I just love presents. Giving or receiving. I can't think of one ever that I haven't liked. I don't give obligatory presents, though. (I write obligatory cards sometimes, or write a card when an obligatory present might be expected.) But presents are too great to water them down by giving any that are merely obligatory, I think. So I just don't.
I love daisies, myself. They are so unassuming and cheerful. But I'm sorry that your dad once again found a way of showing you how little you mean to him. That sucks. I hope things get better between you.
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Ken is the best gift giver ever. He always has so many ideas for things, and everything he gets is awesome. I can never find anything cool to get him, just because i don't know enough about the things he likes, and i'd like to be origional too, instead of getting him computer games ALL the time. I feel bad that my gifts aren't nearly as cool as his.
posted
Steve gave me a compost tumbler for our fifteenth edding anniversary a few weeks ago. His mother asked him if he really thought that it was appropriate to give me something to make sh**.
His response was: "Do you even know Liz, Mom? She has been pining for one of these for years"
So, sure, give me flower arrangements! I will feed them to the compost tumbler.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
This is why I hate giving a receiving gifts. I'm a terrible gift giver and can always see the disappointment in their eyes when I try. When people me gifts it makes me grown because now I have to get them something and their disappointment isn't worth the gift that I probably don't need (even if it's cool).
As a side note, the degree of appreciation for a boquet of flowers tends to be directly proportional to the number of days away from a typical flower holiday you are.
Edit: Erm... this was BtL. For anyone who's rereading the thread for some reason.
posted
I prefer potted flowers to cut flowers, personally, and chocolate's always good. Even better are books I have't read yet, but it's difficult for others to pick out books simply because a. my collection is so huge and b. I've read even more than that, so who could possibly tell what I haven't read and want?
Yeah, I've been on the receiving end of the obligation gift gone wrong, too, and it sucks. Even worse, though, are when "loved ones" "forget" to get you anything for birthdays or Christmases, or "forget" altogether that there actually was a birthday.
Eh. I've got Fahim. And he's sweet. What more do I need? Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I have gotten flowers before and liked them. I don't think I would mind at all if it wasn't accompanied by the "I had to do something, so this was as good as anything." comment. My brother claimed to share in giving the flowers and accompanied it with "I hope you like them. Happy Birthday." I am not irritated with my brother.
But as for swooning Kat, music and chocolate work great. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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repost from LJ : Most of the times my Dad will ask me what I want. And if I answer "a surprise" then he argues that he doesn't know what to choose and will give me money to choose myself instead. *sigh* I love him the way he is, but sometimes he irritates me too. :-)
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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For a while, I was coming up with things for him to give me. They couldn't cost much, because second behind the desire to do as little as possible is the desire to spend as little as possible and definitely chastise me for keeping that in mind. The only thing I hate more than generic presents with rude comments is when he has my stepmom get and mail it. Generic presents you don't like from someone doing it out of obligation is one thing, but generic presents you don't like from someone who is doing it only out of obligation to someone else is definitely worse.
So, whatever I asked for needed to be: a) cheap, and b) something he couldn't shove off onto someone else. If it was labor-intensive, that was just bonus.
This was working for a while, but this year for my birthday, I got tired of the game. I shouldn't have to work this hard - it shouldn't be this hard. It's not worth it - it makes me feel like crap, like I have beg or trick him into paying attention to me. It's just not worth it.
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posted
I don't know any of the players in this little game, but it seems to me as if your dad is just isn't an attentive parent. This doesn't necessarily make him a bad parent, but it takes little time or effort to come up with something to commemorate your daughter's birthday.
All you need to be a good parent is a little common sense and the desire to be there for your kids.
That's why it makes me mad when I see so many people who can't seem to be bothered.
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(((Kat))) I'm sorry, I didn't realize that it was so important for you. I don't really mind when Dad does that because it's nothing new, it's just that now Mom is dead I can see it but it was the same before. My Dad is useless when it comes to guess what would please me. I told him that I would rather get something I don't like in itself but that would be an attention from him, but that's something he simply doesn't understand. Your Dad seems to be totally different.
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Kat, you mentioned somewhere else that you are supposed to be getting (should have already gotten) your mother's jewelery. Have you considered asking for a piece of it for your birthday and Christmas every year? That way, you'll be getting what is supposed to be yours, and your father doesn't have to think of anything obligatory to get you. (Was the jewelery willed to you or was this just an oral promise from your father? I just wonder if your sisters-in-law might be showing up with any of it soon. I also wonder if you look/act like your mother and if that is what distances your father from you. Or, if he's just being a "guy" then I wonder if you haven't gotten the jewelry because you aren't married and if he thinks you might never marry, he might start giving it to your brothers to pass on to their kids, since he thinks you'll probably never have any.) Just a thought. I know it's pessimistic, but every crowd needs one.
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quote:Have you considered asking for a piece of it for your birthday and Christmas every year?
I have been, actually. I have most of the light pieces, and it's what I asked for for Christmas. The cheap pieces are already used up, though, and apparently I'm not responsible enough to own the jewelry my mother owned at my age. No, I don't know what the deal is. The fact that I'm not married may very well be it - who knows. I don't think I look like her - I have broad shoulders and her nose, but my height and coloring and face shape and eyes and mouth are all Pilkington.
No, it wasn't in a will. It was a promise from my mom, and my dad said he'd follow it.
My mother's jewelry is what invokes her for me. She was always self-concious about how she looked (my mother was very overweight, and she fought it all her life), but her jewelry (that my dad bought her - it's not like he doesn't know how to give nice things.) made her feel pretty. I asked for some of mom's jewelry for birthday last year, but he said no. *shrug* No discussion.
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Steve Martin. I haven't read it - I read Shopgirl, though. It was shockingly good. I think I'll allow my crush on Steve Martin to continue, no matter how much it horrifies Catherine. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
My dad was always clueless about what I liked, too. It was even worse when he tried to buy clothes for me. They always ended up baggy and too short. And not matching.
So, money was always great, and I still felt loved.
I think the issue is that he was just coming out and saying, "This meets my obligation." It *SOUNDS* like he doesn't care, but maybe he's just trying to let you know that he knows it is inadequate. He's doing a poor job of it, so I expect he's either so profoundly stupid that he doesn't realize he's being offensive (which I doubt, knowing you) or he's really never learned how to show his affection and is a functioning emotional cripple. The last would be my guess - that it isn't that he doesn't love you, it's just that he has no idea how to show you (and, possibly is not particularly interested in acquiring that skill).
Either one isn't your fault, dear.
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Okay. The reason I ask is that I'm tempted to send you a belated birthday present. It's one of my favorite books, and pertains obliquely to the situation, and I didn't get you anything for your birthday.
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That is adorable! My kids enjoyed it too (although my eldest wants to know if the little purple one will ever actually make it into the pool 
