I tend to stay away from threads I don't feel up to reading, and I have a very hard time with death, but you have been in my thoughts since I saw the topic, even though I hadn't read it yet.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's creeping up on a year since my mother died, and I know how hard it is. I don't think we're evere really 'ready' to be without our mommies.
The greatest help to me was ebing able to talk to people who understood, Like CT and Katie, when things got hard. One of my friends would say, "I've got to go take my mom shopping for ____." And I 'd be a wreck, because all I could think of was that I'd never get to take my mom shopping for anything ever again. But you can't be this guilt machine on your friends who still have their moms...
So, rail all you want to at us, It will help. Let yourself feel it. It won't be fun, but it will get easier. It's not so much that things get back to 'normal' but that you sort of find a new normal.
sounds like you have had a really rough ride. I won't offer advice, since I don't come here often enough, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope your mom manages to get a message through to you in the next few weeks.
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Oh, Telpy. My heart just aches for you. I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish you ease and peace. Please remember that we are all here for you, and all care for you very much. Keep talking.
Doing much better today. Went to the church to meet with the Priest and the music director to set up the funeral mass. I'll be singing a couple songs with my little choir.
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Hey Karl, I've never had any visits from the beyond just saying is all, and a lot of people implied I should. I may yet, but to be frank it would kind of freak me out. I know you meant well, skillery, it's just kind of a hot button for me.
P.S. My understanding of the church position is that when you have events like that, they are a special thing to be kept for your own faith and not given for signs. Sorry, my problem I know.
P.P.S. I thought it would help to remind folks that I had a for real psychotic break after my son died, and maybe that's why I have such a lobster in my craw about it. I had some sound hallucinations and serious delusions, but no visual hallucinations that I was aware of.
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I think I might be having something similar mothertree. I've been thinking I've placed something somewhere or seen something and discovered it was never there. And I thought I heard breathing in my mom's room. Weird. I've been really spacy too.
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I thought everything sounded like a baby. Door hinges squeaking. Silverware clattering. I felt like my brain was shrinking at one point. But just sleep deprivation can do that to you.
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At my uncle Wayne's funeral one of his little granddaughters wanted to know why everybody was sad about grandpa dying when he was "standing right over there."
Uncle Wayne later visited my mom when she was having a rough time. Mom's dog died while dad was away on business, and mom was left alone to bury the dog. She said she felt the presence of uncle Wayne standing by her as she layed the dog in the hole she had dug, and she received great comfort in not having to do it alone. Mom said uncle Wayne was a great dog lover and must have known how she felt.
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My mom talks a lot about various encounters with the departed. It just hasn't been my experience, though I still have faith in seeing them again. And maybe I interpret all spiritual feelings as coming from God rather than particular people.
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Oh, Telp, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I never know what to say when a friend is suffering like this, but I offer my thoughts and prayers. If I were with you, I'd sit by your side as long as you needed.
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quote: And I just want her to tell me what to do. What do you want Mom????????? Please please please please tell me.
Hey, I totally grok that. Find some quiet and stillness and listen for what your mom wants, and whether it's actually a message from her or your subconcious telling you what she would have said, it doesn't matter if it brings you clarity and comfort.
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My condolences. I wish you strength at this very difficult time. May your friends and family offer you comfort.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Today has to be the worst day of my life. I can't even think of the words to say. This has to be a bad dream. Saw momma yesterday for the first time. Was freaking frantic getting ready. Couldn't even walk in the room with her in it. Finally worked up the nerve. Couldn't acknowledge anything or anybody. My brother kicked everyone out for about 10 minutes so I could be alone and talk to her.
She and I were alone when she died and I needed to be alone with her again. Needed to sob and hold her and tell her some things. I could NOT do what needed to be done though with everyone watching me. Had to be done. I felt better for it. That helped me deal with people. Hugs actually ment something. Grandma and some others were annoyed that I did that... something about "we're grieving too". I did not exclude them.. I just needed 5 minutes alone with my Mom.
Didn't sleep much again. Threw up around 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. Went off to see the lawyer about the will and trust and all that. Was so tired. And today was the 8 hour visit at the funeral home. The last one. Got there 3 hours late because were are still working out the bugs for the mass. We get one thing done and ten more pop up.
WHen this all started and I found her, even though I was devestated I was still getting things done. I didn' tknow I'd loose so much sleep and be so upset. I'm totally useless now in the preperation for the final things. People are getting tense and upset that I'm not doing enough.
I feel sick. my chest is tight and panicy. I listened to the song "Blue" from the end of Cowboy Beebop on the drive to the resturant from the funeral home. Sobbed so hard I almost crashed.
I set up my choir to sing with them and now I don't feel like I can do it. We'll see. It must be done. Might not make it through it.
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I need to try and write something to be read tomorrow. Or, I want to write something. I have no clue.
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I think that you already did the most important thing - talking to your mother. Try to remember that there's no wrong way to grieve - anything you do will be the right thing.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Here is what I wrote for mom's eulogy. I have no idea how these things are done, but I have a feeling that it shouldn't be read. Here it is for you anyway.
***
Words, and my poor command of them, can hardly describe my feelings or give proper tribute to my mother. There is a hole. There is something wrong. It is a bad dream. My momma is not dead. This is not the order of the Universe. Her death is felt by all...but for this all I can do is bear my soul and feelings in testament to her. Mom was a daily part of my life these past few years. I saw her in her bad and happy moods. I ran around the house when she was so tired and hurting from her knees, trying to pull my share and do the things she struggled with. I combed her hair. I massaged her feet. We would lie together in her bed watching a movie as I tried to get her to scratch my head. Yes... I must be a cat. We both annoyed each other and at the same time loved each others’ company. She was my confidant for many things. She was the source of culture, history, knowledge and morality. Many times I would call her up to ask the meaning of a word or it’s spelling (it’s good to be the son of an English Major), observe the news and debate politics, watch movies and our favorite TV shows together. As I go about the horrible duties that need to be done I keep wanting to ask her what she wants done. What do you want mom? How do you want me to do it? She always liked to tell me what to do. And while it more often then not annoyed me I now want it more than anything. But my path in life has never been the straight and narrow and Mom’s driving force was to see Matt and I set up for life...ready for the world. I have always felt failure nipping at my heals. And while compared to some I have failed, Mom always urged me on...ever onward through my depression and my laziness and my distraction. I know it gave her great pain. My biggest regret was not being everything for her and attaining what I should have been. My burden gives me pain. My heart is broken. I miss her voice. I miss her touch and beautiful face. I miss her mind. That mind that shined like the light of the Ancient West. A mind that loved the whole world. She was my mother. The history of my personal Universe began with her and my father. There is so much work left undone. There is now new work. Her children will take it up. She is not completely gone. Her voice will drive us on. All she wanted was our happiness. We will try to attain that with the tools she gave us. We will honor her forever.
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I am very proud of your words. I think those at the service will find comfort and truth in them.
I wrote one for my grandfather and cried the entire time I was writing it. It's pretty hard, but in my case it felt good to write it out. (((Telp))))
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It's a beautiful eulogy Telp. I gave wrote and delivered one for my Mother in Law's funeral last february. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. I also wrote it out word for word because I knew I would be too emotional to speak extemporaneously.
Hang in there. As time passes, the pain of loosing her will fade and you will be able to remember her with joy rather than sorrow.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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I can't believe that after not being in Hatrack for the longest time, I find myself with such horribly sad news. I hope my mother lives to be a very old but happy woman, {{{{Telperion}}}}}. What do you think I could help you with? Do you need anything? Email me if you do.
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I empathize with you very strongly; I lost my father about six weeks ago. Make sure you do the things you want and need -- if there was ever a time to be self-indulgent, it's now. Try to be with people you like.
---------------
If you're near Detroit, then you're only about an hour away from me (depending on border wait times, of course). If you find you need to get away, you're welcome at my place. Once I have a car (next month, I expect), I can even come and get you.
I don't imagine visiting strange foreigners is exactly what you're looking for right now, but I wanted you to know that the offer is on the table should you need it. My email is in my profile.
My brother Matt ended up finding it and reading it at the funeral mass. I'm glad he did.
The past few days have been tearing things out of me...and the funeral, while horrible, seemed to put at least a little back in. Sang for her and the funeral. Went really well. Lost it when they brought her in with the bagpipes. But I had my choir people around me and saw my family in the front row.
Took her to Holy Sepulchre cemetery on 10 Mile and Beech-Daily. We watched her be put in the ground with our oldest brother who died as an baby. Together at last. Went out to a Irish pub/resturant afterward and then back to the house.
The family was leaving today, so they wanted to help us clean out some of her stuff, or at least get it more organized before they left. That was weird and hard to be going through her stuff. And my Aunt Jenny is now Trustee and Executor so she had to take Mom's computer with her to Chicago. So we turned it off at last. It's been on since she died since we didn't have the password and Mom has SO much important stuff on there. But they are going to hack it back in Chicago.
But that was really tough to see it turned off at last. Needed to leave the house.
Dad bought us this one that I'm typing on. Not very good, but it works so we can have email and whatnot. It'll be like 6 months before we get the old one back. No more big games for me. It's an e-machine by IBM. Don't know much about them.
*sigh* was out and about today with Dad and Matt... picking up the flowers that we wanted to keep and telling them where to donate the rest. Mom LOVED flowers. Alot. And she would be happy that there we so many and that music followed her around everywhere this past week. And as one of my family said, I never left her side...was with her when she died to when she was put in the ground.
Anyway, on the way to drop off a letter that Mom had written but not mailed yet we stopped at the Wyandotte Street Fair. HOT outside. But was fun. Finised our mission and now we're back.
What to do now? Clean I guess.. not in the mood. Maybe I'll take a shower and see a movie or something.
Matt and I are planning to take a road trip this next week, if our works are nice. We'll hit the major family cities: Chicago, Cinncinati, and New York.
Well... I'm off to see what Dad and Matt are doing outside. Take care.
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