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I think Beverly is going for the same thing that I was originally going for, even if she's still not quite getting her point across. Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
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What, exactly, were you going for? Lots of weirdos there? More weirdos than in the general LDS population?
The only difference between the odd people in the singles wards and the odd people in the married wards is that the odd people in the singles wards are pickier.
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beverly "above them on the ladder"...? I think that's an unfortunate expression and idea. Are you talking about money, looks, education, intelligence, social standing, and things like that? Do those things matter very much to most people in the church?
I dunno, it seems to me that we're all children of God. We're divine beings. It doesn't seem like a good way to go about picking your eternal partner, your other self, by giving a lot of weight to things that aren't of eternal importance, does it to you?
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I submit that 'wackos' is not a useful term in this context. There are just too many reasons why someone might still be single at any age to try and buttonhole them into the category of wacko. Trying to buttress the use of the word by pointing to people who really are 'wackos' doesn't seem to me to be very productive and will just lead to further offense.
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quote:More weirdos than in the general LDS population?
Yeah. Not so much:
quote:Lots of weirdos there?
quote:Seriously - haven't you looked around at sacrament meeting and wonder how on earth some of those people ever got married?
No... not really. Never really thought about it though. Just because someone doesn't seem "desirable" in their 40's doesn't mean they weren't a totall fox in their 20's. I can't know what they were like when they were courting.
To be fair, I think at least some "become" more strange because of their desperation to be married over time. One guy in my singles ward in particular comes to mind.... He just wanted to be married so badly that all the girls were freaked out by him.
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AK, I wish more people thought in those terms. But after listening to the woes of my single friends, it just doesn't seem to work that way.
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quote:Seriously - haven't you looked around at sacrament meeting and wonder how on earth some of those people ever got married?
Hmm. Not really. I'm thinking of the "weirdest" married people I can think of, and they all ended up marrying people exactly like them; they just happened to find the person perfect for them.
But it seems like there's a special kind of weirdo—and again, maybe this is more of a Utah or BYU thing—that is really unmarriageable. And as you move into older age brackets, they appear in higher concentrations. I'm talking about the creepy thirty-year-old guys who are hanging around in BYU singles wards trying to pick up on naive freshmen girls because no one else will go out with them.
Am I making any sense?
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posted
I've been thinking about what kat said about there being no difference between the singles and marrieds in 30+, and that may be the truth.
Perhaps more the problem is that when people reach those ages, they don't think of themselves as being old, and they still want the young, foxy ones.
Seriously. The old "creepy" guys in the singles ward would never go for women their own age. They always went after the young ones. I saw older gals doing the same thing. An RM would come into the ward, and they'd start going after them!
It's like, they don't realize, "Hey. I'm 30, 40 (whatever). I should probably be looking at people my age. The young ones will be most interested in other people their age." The younger ones just "look better" to them.
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Yes. Do you really think that the twenty percent of adult LDS are like that? Is that really y'all's perception what it is like to be single and dating at my age?
It isn't true. You're drawing conclusions from a false sample of information.
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quote:Originally posted by beverly: AK, I wish more people thought in those terms. But after listening to the woes of my single friends, it just doesn't seem to work that way.
I think with some people it actually does. Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I really have no idea how many of them there are. I'm sure there are lots more stories about creepy 30+ guys than there are real creepy 30+ guys.
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To bev: Maybe there are and you don't hear about it.
JB: That's what I mean, though - THAT's what is actually hard about going to church. Because you meet people who automatically assume you fit whatever horror story they heard that made them glad to be married.
It's like me assuming until proven otherwise that all married people are as unhappy as I have known some of them to be.
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Katie: I'm sorry. If it helps, the stereotype I've encountered most (which I don't believe is accurate) is that the guys are creepy freshmen-stalkers and that the girls are returned missionaries who intimidate the creeps.
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I was NOT willing to settle for less than a man I could share myself with completely, without fear of ridicule or misunderstanding.
I was NOT willing to settle for less than a man I was physically attracted to.
I was NOT willing to settle for less than a man who was at least as intelligent as I was.
I was NOt willing to settle for a man who was not at least as socially savvy as I was.(Not a very high water mark there, but...)
I was NOT willing to settle for a man who was openly dissatisfied with any aspect of my physical person (in this case, I mean little boobies )
I also wanted a man who could cook, smelled nice, took care with his personal grooming and was musically talented (in this case, played piano and sang opera).
I managed to find this man, despite 'unreasoanble expectations' and before I finished my degree.
So, high standards work out well for some of us. But, since we're not LDS, I suppose it's a moot point.
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For me it is not "just" a stereotype. It was one of my friends who was older, never been in a dating relationship, and all excited about the RMs that were fresh off their missions, hoping something might happen with them.
I just saw so many unrealistic expectations and ships passing in the night.
But it is harder in general when there are less people in your culture that are single at all. Less people for you to be compatable with.
That is why I think the internet can actually be a great way to meet someone--provided you are careful. It can bring people together that wouldn't otherwise encounter each other.
It's like how gays often have a hard time finding someone they are really compatable with. Firstly, there aren't that high a percentage of gays in the population. Secondly, there is enough cultural stigma, that it is hard telling who is receptive to same sex attraction and who isn't. I undestand that gay bars are a great place to find one-night-stands, but the people there don't tend to be looking for anything long-term. Even gay chatrooms seem to have a similar stigma.
When there are less fish in the sea to begin with, it is harder to find the fish for you.
When your pool extends to a non-Mormon culture where people tend to get married later in life anyway, the selection is bigger. Not to mention there are far more people out there who aren't Mormon than are.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Well, I don't think it's just a stereotype either. There are real people like that. But, as with all stereotypes, there are exaggerations about their frequency. One of those creepy guys lived upstairs from me for a while, though he did get married. I really got the impression that the girl had just given up and settled, which made me sad.
Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
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34 years old never been married engaged twice discussed marriage with 2 others one sister never married 46 4 brothers all married before age 23 (wives younger than 21) 17 nieces and nephews (2 married, one great-niece and 2 on the way)
I just wanted to share my credentials. One of my ex-fiance's was not Mormon, one was. The other two people I mentioned I met on my mission. By the time I was 26 I was the only girl in my graduating class who had not been married at least once. At my fifteen year class reunion I was the only "straight" member of our class who had not been married.
When I moved here (Oklahoma) from Austin, Texas I was 29. I chose to not attend the Singles Ward (I haven't attended one since I was 23, at first because they weren't available where I was, then because I felt I had "outgrown" them.) Everyone was nice but the average age of the girls was about 20 and I didn't feel comfortable. Also I didn't want the stigma of being "dihonourably discharged" (as a fellow single friend put it) from the Singles ward when I turned 31.
I'm in the Primary Presidency in my Ward. (So many more oportunities to serve in a Family Ward.)
Here are some of my experiences.
Back when I was young in the eyes of the Church I went with some "older" friends to a Single Adult Activity. The FIRST question I was asked was, "How many times have you been married?" Like divorce is some kind of merit badge.
I went with a friend to another activity. There were about 3 women in their 30's, 25 other women and 5 men. Let me describe them for you. One was in his 30's and managed to graduate from BYU without getting married (highly suspicious:)). One was in his 60's and bragging about remarrying his third wife in a few weeks. One of them was clearly homeless. One was a little to eager to get everyone's phone number. The last started confessing sins during a workshop and let out a huge fart as I was walking past him to leave the building.
I also have 2 very good male friends who didn't marry until their 30's. Perfectly normal guys, or as normal as anyone gets.
My first ex-fiance I met when I was 19 and dated of and on (when he could overcome the evils of my "Mormonness" until I was 26 and he finally decided that I was indeed going to Hell.
My most recent was 30 when we met and lived with his parents. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. He's not a "wacko" it's just economic. I was wrong. Finally he broke up with me because his "mommy" convinced him that chipped toenail polish was an unpardonable sin in any woman. He has recenly been engaged and unengaged again.
Here are my marriage criteria. I would like to be less than the third wife. I would like to be with in 15 years of my spouse in age. I would like to not have step-children that are so old that I could not have physically given birth to them myself. General compatibility issues. (Similar tastes and hobbies, and intelligence level, etc.)
Oh and I would like them to have a strong testimony of the church. I could have given up the church 14 years ago to get married, but my faith and trust in the Lord prevented me. If I wouldn't settle for someone that I really loved, why should I settle for someone who has little or no commitment to the church. Even if they can take me to the Temple.
There are 13 women in my ward who are pregnant. I hate it when they complain in front of me. What I wouldn't give to have a happy family? I hope by the time my fifth niece gets married I won't feel the pang of jealousy that I feel.
When I visit home, I sit in Relief Society and here them welcome "all the girls and their new husbands". When I moved to a new ward, the Reilief Society president introduced the new people like this, "We'd like to welcome Sister A. her husband (isn't he cute) and 2 children. And Sister B. She has a family of 5. And. . . and this is Sister M. she's a teacher." I knew exactly what social level I was at. I've sat through Sunday School lessons where people in a marriage were only "1/2" people, the implication being that I was some half person running around and God could not be pleased with me. I've had a Stake President say "This scripture means, you aren't worth very much if you aren't married." No wonder most single people my age quit going to church a long time ago.
I try very hard to not feel bitter and not get angry when people say, "Oh, you'll get married someday." Heck, I know that. And really marriage hunting doesn't look so bad in the Millenium.
I appreciate most my non-single friends who treat me like a
From what was presented in the article, this woman seems to only want to be a Mormon so she can shock other Mormons. Stupid/ignorant people do not determine my attitude about the church. Do I like being grouped in the "30 to dead" category? No, but my testimony isn't much if I let ridiculous unthinking people disturb it. All last year I taught Primary Children about Eternal Families. Sometimes it was hard, but it strengthened my resolve to do it right or not do it at all.
It is unfortunate and offensive that this woman was taken as an example of Single Adults. As far as I'm concerned, she is only "single".
Posts: 79 | Registered: Nov 2000
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Kasie, my background is the same as yours - emphasis on education above all else, independence and a career.
My mum used to place pressure on me *not* to get married, even when I was in high school and not really contemplating it. It used to really bug me - she'd be decrying mothers who pressure their daughters into a life of early marriage and housekeeping but at the same time making it clear to me that was absolutely not an option for me - so doing exactly the same thing, albeit to a different end goal.
(My parents have since divorced. They were having huge problems at the time, and not speaking about them. I think that coloured her view somewhat.)
Anyhow, I got engaged at 22 and married at 23. Mum freaked out at the engagement, and we had a hurtful, hurtful argument one night. I was in tears, Tony was the angriest I have ever seen him, my little brother was in tears defending me and Mum couldn't see how she was behaving.
(And, at the time the divorce was going through - as I said, some issues there).
By the wedding Mum was happier. 6 months on, I've graduated law, got first class honours and marriage hasn't impacted on my personal goals one bit - except given me a partner to offer unconditional support.
And Mum is ok with the situation. I still don't think it's the path she would have chosen for me, but I think she's realised it's my decision and I can look after myself. I'm happy and she's happy about that. Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
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" Storm: In the Mormon world, most single people over the age of 30 are a little wacko. At least, that's my experience. Most Mormons are married by that age, so the majority of singles over 30 are at least a little weird."
Glad you all made up over that comment.
Hopefully I am not missing too much since I just skimmed this thread. You know, it is so funny, I am a single 36 yo LDS and this morning almost called into a local radio station to defend the value and worth of single men! However, I couldn't recall the call-in number and besides, I was driving. Why? Well, I live in metro DC. This morning, on DC 107.3, they were joking w/one of the female hosts, who just broke up w/her boyfriend who just moved back to Boston and was in his late 30s. Anyway, so the male hosts of the AM radio show start joking w/her about what type (ie divorced, etc) her new man should be. He was basically saying she would have a hard time finding a new love. Basically, the theory of one of the hosts was suggesting that single men in their late 30s are "either divorced, damaged goods or gay". Isn't that horribly hurtful? Yikes. Then, they took listener comments of people who married in their 30s, to get their story- sadly the few call-ins supported that view.
My view was going to be that this isn't always the case, some have not met the right person or are holding out to remain true to their values, etc. Anyway, I did call my home number to remind myself to write a critical email to this radio station. I do plan to do this.
I just think it is so sad that those who are married feel they can judge the hearts, intents and worth of single folks, male or female and throw out the type of terms that this radio host did this AM.
Anyway, here is an awesome quote that I remember from my days at BYU, when I lived in the dorms the neighbor across the hall decorated her door w/it:
"I have not yet met the man who deserves to be as happy as I could make him." (For guys, just insert woman to apply this to your situation!)
I have sometimes wondered how those who are currently married would feel if they had never married. How would they want to be treated by those in the Church as well as society at large? I'll go ahead and be quiet now.
Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2005
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I don't agree that wackoness has anything to do with when you get married, or that older singles are more likely to be wacko. There are several things OSC posted that I don't personally agree with, but there we are.
I don't think dating is a bad way to meet a spouse and I think most singles could benefit quite a bit from dating and developing some romantic social skills. The formality can also be a plus. Sometimes in an attempt to be casual, people try and have it both ways, the emotional intimacy of a relationship with no commitment.
In my experience though, singlehood is just a matter of where life takes you, for the most part. Sometimes it's because a person was anti-marriage, but a LOT of people like that end up married anyway. Sometimes it's because the person isn't the greatest spouse material, but a LOT of people like that end up getting married anyway. Sometimes its because they were immature punks in their early 20s, and they mature rather nicely. A lot of bad marriages break up by a person's late 20s and there are quite a few decent people on their second go around in life. I agree that there are fewer singles around when you're that age, but I'm not at all convinced that they're a less desirable set.
Is Elder Oaks wife a wacko? She was what... 52 when she got married for the first time? To an apostle, no less.
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Beverly said something on this thread that gels with someone Porter said in a thread about Magic Street on the other side -- namely, that a marriage without love, between two people willing to work at being married, is better than no marriage at all.
I don't believe this. I was in fact pretty incredulous. But if you accept that Porter does believe this, and infer that Beverly also believes this to some degree, then her comment -- that most "older" people who aren't yet married simply don't want to be married badly enough -- makes a great deal of sense.
Consider this: I want to eat. I go to the mall, and none of the stores in the Food Court is serving anything I'm interested in eating; there's a pizza place, a burger joint, a Taco Bell and three separate -- and awful -- stir-fry restaurants. While there, I could complain about being ravenously hungry, but it makes little sense if you assume that the purpose of eating is to assuage hunger; after all, I could assuage my hunger at any time by simply eating somewhere I didn't want to eat and trying hard to like it.
But I know I won't starve. I might not need to eat right now. So I don't eat somewhere I don't want to eat, because I don't think I should have to try to like my food and am not yet desperate enough to resort to that approach.
I think Singles' Wards are the same way. Some people there are truly starving, and would take anything -- and sometimes do, occasionally suffering severe indigestion as a result. Some people just aren't that hungry.
And the problem is exacerbated by the Mormon belief that marriage, like food, is essential to life. If you die unmarried and childless, Mormon culture (if not doctrine) teaches that you haven't done your job; you've practically wasted your life. So there's an enormous pressure to learn to like sprouts and eggplant and other possibly squicky foods, because the alternative is running the risk that your favorite Italian place is closed.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote:Beverly said something on this thread that gels with someone Porter said in a thread about Magic Street on the other side -- namely, that a marriage without love, between two people willing to work at being married, is better than no marriage at all.
I did not say that.
It's as if you misunderstood every single thing I said in that thread.
posted
I think two factors need to be in place for a person to get married: they need to be ready for marriage, and they need to meet someone compatible.
My theory is that many 30-something LDS singles weren't ready for marriage until they were 24 or 25 (or even later). This isn't even taking into account people who got married who weren't ready and did it for stupid reasons.
Then by the time they are ready, there are just fewer people who aren't married yet. So the pickings are slimmer, just counting numbers, and because of that, you're a little less likely to find someone compatible. It's not impossible, but it's harder.
The other possibility is that you have very specific needs that not everyone can meet. I think of a girl I knew who was just . . . weird. She got married when she was 18 to someone who was weird in exactly the same ways. But if she hadn't met that guy until she was 29, I honestly believe she wouldn't have gotten married until she was 29.
Other people are just normal enough to be compatible with maybe 10% of the population. I'm not one of those types, I think. Probably no Jatraqueros are. I needed to meet my soulmate, and it happened when it happened.
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quote:Sometimes in an attempt to be casual, people try and have it both ways, the emotional intimacy of a relationship with no commitment.
Kat said something like this too, and it baffles me that people see it this way. I've virtually never "picked up" someone in any of the traditional meat market ways. All of my romantic attachments have begun as friendships. And I have absolutely no fear of commitment or anything like that. I was not "trying to have it both ways." I simply feel that it is essential for me to be friends with a woman in order to love her. In this regard, I think OSC has it exactly right.
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I agree with pretty much everything Brinestone said.
I didn't get married until 35, and before that, there was no way I was ready for marriage. But honestly, with someone other than Fahim, I still wouldn't be ready for marriage. It's only because of who he is that I can be married at all. I'm odd enough that I had to have someone as odd as me. And geeky. And all that fun stuff.
But being single in the LDS church, especially after age, oh, 22, was difficult for me. Because of the pities, the comments, the stares. In one ward, I couldn't get a calling or home teachers or visiting teachers to save my life, my bishop just couldn't manage to ever remember who I was, and almost no one would talk to me. But that was one extremely bad example. Other wards were much better.
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*blink* Quid, isn't Fahim still a Muslim? I'm wondering whether it is in fact more acceptable in Mormon culture to be married to a non-Mormon than to not be married at all. Do you find that the comments and stares have substantially reduced?
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote:But it seems like there's a special kind of weirdo—and again, maybe this is more of a Utah or BYU thing—that is really unmarriageable. And as you move into older age brackets, they appear in higher concentrations. I'm talking about the creepy thirty-year-old guys who are hanging around in BYU singles wards trying to pick up on naive freshmen girls because no one else will go out with them.
I'd just like to say that seedy bars across the country are full of creepy older guys preying on pretty young girls. It's definitely not a uniquely Mormon phenomenon...
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quote:"I have to remember to bring a sweater, or I have to learn how to deal with the cold."
I suspect this is usually true. It's part of being grown up.
*clapping
quote:Well, even Malcolm X was willing to completely change his life when he was convinced otherwise. However, I haven't chosen this lightly. For me to decide against it, I'd have to explain away my previous experiences and present testimony. Given enough motivation and intent I could probably do it, but I think I'd have to lie to myself to do it. Either that, or conclude that I was a fool before. Neither of those options is particularly self-respect-inducing.
With a great deal of delicacy and gentleness, I'd acknowledge a third option: one can conclude that one was right and just in believing what one did before, interpreted in the context of what you knew then, but still hold that a different belief is supported by what you know now. [Even, perhaps, beliefs about what a particular experience means or how to interpret it.]
Of course, I have no desire for any of my friends to lose anything which truly brings them health and happiness. [I don't want you to think I'm trying to talk you out of your testimony! If it rings true to you and brings you a deeper health and happiness, then I want it for you. I'm pro-Kat. *smile] I was thinking myself more of my first marriage: despite all my wrangling and striving to understand what I did wrong in making the decision to marry him, I can honestly say that -- given what I knew at the time -- it was a good decision to make. I don't think I was a fool for making that decision, even though I wouldn't make the same decision if the choice were presented to me now.
In terms of my faith, I was raised Roman Catholic, in "the one true Church." We were taught this, and I believed it wholeheartedly. I believed I spoke to God and that I was heard. [I believed I consumed the flesh and blood of Christ, and I believed that I was aided in repentance of my sins for having confessed them to a priest, and having followed his instructions and received the blessings of God through him.] Many good things came out of that belief. It is not a belief I still maintain, but I don't think less of my younger self for having held it.
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Thanks for the welome CT. You are right, I think we often do things that we feel are right and good based on our knowledge at that time. If we always made decisions w/the benefit of hindsight, we would likely never err.
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The trouble is, I can't keep up with all the things I should've already learned from my mistakes! *laughing
But I try. Always I try. This is what it means to be a good person, regardless of how we individually define it [the details of that "goodness"], I think.
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quote: I can't keep up with all the things I should've already learned from my mistakes!
In all sincerity, this is one of the most incredible things about being married: someone else is there to help you remember these things.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote: that most "older" people who aren't yet married simply don't want to be married badly enough -- makes a great deal of sense.
I never commented on whether I thought this was right or wrong. But it is true.
It is also true that if people don't rob and steal to be rich, they don't want to be rich enough to abandon honesty and integrity. This is true without it being a *good* thing.
quote:namely, that a marriage without love, between two people willing to work at being married, is better than no marriage at all.
Pfff. You inferred this. Neither of us said it. I think you have your own pre-conceived notions and are reading into our words things that aren't there.
It is true that if you believe LDS doctrine, you will place high value on marriage, *being* married, and having a good marriage. A person might make some sacrifices in order to have that. And sacrificing for the commitment of marriage is not a bad thing when done right.
When done wrong, it's a bit like selling your soul. And I think that is the shady side you tend to read into what we are saying.
Edit: Switch in order to make more sense.
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posted
Icky, I tend to be the same way. For me, love has always blossomed from friendship rather than infatuation. When the infatuation came first, I never had any luck.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: *blink* Quid, isn't Fahim still a Muslim? I'm wondering whether it is in fact more acceptable in Mormon culture to be married to a non-Mormon than to not be married at all. Do you find that the comments and stares have substantially reduced?
Yes, Fahim is still Muslim. And if I were living in North America, I'd probably still get all the comments and stares. But I'm not. I'm living in Sri Lanka where the Christian population is only 7% of the country, and out of 20 some million people, only about 400 of them, possibly less, are active LDS.
Here, we have many members who are married to Hindus, Buddhists, other Christians (mostly Catholic or Methodist), or Muslim. There simply are not enough members here for everyone to marry in the church.
However, when Americans come to visit (most of the foreigners we see in church are American, so it's not a reflection of the attitudes of Americans versus the rest of the world, but more so of the people I have actually encountered), I do get some comments. The most notable was, "I'm so sorry," as the woman pats my arm. I felt like knocking her head off. Like I'm so desperate to get married that I would stoop so low . . . Whatever.
I fully expect that, when/if I go back to the west, I'll likely wind up with a lot of comments and looks. To many, it would be better for me to never marry at all than to marry outside of the church. To my family, it's unfortunate that I'm not a Christian to begin with, but marrying a Muslim is reprehensible. Pfft! There are always those who disapprove of any lifestyle that is not what they see as ideal.
No, the comments and stares I get here are because we've been married for two years and haven't started popping out babies. That annoys me. Our reproductive status is no one's business, and I've given stern lectures to that effect when women feel my stomach because they want to know whether or not I'm pregnant, all the while still firmly gripping the offending arm. Some women have been "kind" enough to tell me that they're praying for me to give birth to twins by Christmas. Others ask us if we're trying. What, are we having sex?
Whatever. People are dumb. It's a great motto, seriously. Give it a try. People are dumb. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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The LDS singles scene sounds about as bad as the Jewish singles scene.
That was my reaction exactly!
quote:I recently got rejected after a second date, because the woman decided I was not wacko, and therefore must be hiding something (Six Feet Under-style). This article kept reminding me of that. Arg.
Sucks. Sorry to hear that.
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quote: "I'm so sorry," as the woman pats my arm. I felt like knocking her head off...
Props to you, quid, for having the self-control not to knock that broad's head off. Had I been there, I would not have had such self-control.
Somewhat related tangent: What's the general consensus on the nature of dating? I've come to agree with the sentiment that dating in N'Am culture is basically a form of formalized deception, akin to advertising. We worry about putting our "best" foot forward, making a great impression, whatever... like we expect the other person to take us at face value and then stop digging. When I was courting my wife, I knew I could marry her and live happily with her for eternity after we passed through some harrowing and stressful experiences together. (example: I had to take her on a 5 hour trip to get an ultrasound - not for what you think it was for - and she has a really small bladder. She drank a litre of water an hour before the appointment, as per doctor's orders, but by the time we got there she had been in such pain from holding it that she was crying and screaming for me to let her out just so she could go pee. We look back and laugh about it now, but at the time it was rough. It was after coming through that, still loving each other and sincerely apologizing to each other, then I knew for sure she'd be a great wife.)
Seeing someone you're considering for marriage deal with difficulty and stress is a far better indicator of desirability than fashion, manners, humor, or social status.
Posts: 353 | Registered: Sep 2003
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It's been my experience that single people who desperately wish they were married usually *do* get married and then they become equally desperate about their married lives. Perhaps they become desperate to have children, then their children are born and they are disappointed in them and they become desperate for their children to have all the honors and accolades that other people's children seem to have, and so on. Or their spouse doesn't live up to their expectations and they become desperately unhappy for that reason.
There are plenty of people, though, to whom *who you are* matters more than anything. People who don't have an agenda, and aren't checking off little boxes to see if you live up to their qualifications. Who aren't evaluating each other like horses they're thinking of purchasing, and who don't have a preset path in their minds for you to follow. Instead they're there to be a friend and sincerely enjoy your company. They expect you to make your own choices and realize that you might not make the same choices they would choose for you, but that your choices are your own to make, and not theirs. Among people like this, there's no need for desperation. Everything happens in its own right time. It's in LDS doctrines, too, "Look forward with a perfect brightness of hope."
Who would want to marry someone for whom one was a conquest and not a person? An achievement, a blue ribbon of some sort to be acquired? We are each of unimaginable value for our own selves, for who we are. Anyone who loves you for reasons that have to do with looks, money, or status, is loving something very contingent and temporary. All such things change in this life.
For instance, look at President Kennedy. He was rich, he married a beautiful well-connected wife, he even was elected President, and then he was cut down in his prime in an instant. Another example is Kurt Cobain. He attained everything he could have wanted, fame, the love of millions, money, achievement, he made wonderful music, but in the end it was all empty for him, and he took his own life. People who place their hopes, desires, and faith in unimportant things like money, status, or appearance, are always unhappy, because those things bring no nourishment to the real self, and they can be gone in an eyeblink.
There are plenty of people who don't care about those things, but instead care more about who you are. It seems like to find people like that, though, it's helpful first to learn to be like that yourself. "Come unto me, ye who labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest." There's no need for striving and desperation.
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If it helps, the stereotype I've encountered most (which I don't believe is accurate) is that the guys are creepy freshmen-stalkers and that the girls are returned missionaries who intimidate the creeps.
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